I have joint custody of my 7-year-old. This means she lives with us every other week—and the other weeks, she lives with her dad and stepmom.

The weeks when she’s not with us are never easy for anyone in our family, but she struggles most of all. In the days before the transition between homes, she becomes so anxious that she has trouble sleeping and eating.

To make it easier on her, we started a tradition of me and her little sister Bailey visiting her at school for lunch during those other weeks. We started with one lunch date every other week, but midway through this last school year she asked me to come every day. That wasn’t possible every week, but I tried my darnedest to make it happen.

Because those daily lunch dates helped all three of us cope with being apart for a week at a time.

But Here’s the Problem

Summer happened.

Because I work from home, I offered to keep my oldest daughter at home with me and Bailey (and now her newborn sister Charlie) during the day on those other weeks this summer. Her dad and stepmom declined. Instead, they arranged for her to spend her time in child care and a couple summer camps.

During those other weeks, my daughter hasn’t been able to see me or her sisters.

Every night during those weeks, Bailey cries out for her sister in her sleep. Every morning, the first thing she says after waking up is a one-word question: Her sister’s name.

I shake my head and say, “No. We can’t see her today.”

My Eureka Moment

I know I’m not alone.

Parents who deal with joint custody. Parents who travel frequently for work, especially to different time zones. Military parents. Parents taking their first vacation without the kids. Or even just parents struggling while their kids are away at summer camp, their grandparents’ house, or their first overnight sleepover.

We miss our kids terribly.

But here’s the kicker—we’re grown adults. We’ve had 20, 30, 40 years to learn how to cope with these big emotions.

Our kids? Not so much.

And in a lot of these situations, you can’t always pick up a phone and call your kid.

Before summer hit, I researched advice for what to do when you’re missing your kids.

I found a few useful tidbits, but definitely no silver bullet.

And then I stumbled on this scientifically proven tip for dealing with emotional stress: write your worries down.

Journaling about stressful events helps you cope by calming you down.

But Would It Work?

My child explained the hardest time away from me is when she’s trying to fall asleep at night. Sometimes, she cries herself to sleep.

So I made a DIY journal using a cereal box for the cover and plain paper inside—just enough paper to last one week—and stapled it together like a book.

That way, the journal is small enough to fit under her pillow. And if her DIY diary gets lost in the shuffle between houses? No worries—we’ll just make another one.

At bedtime, she pulls out her journal and writes down what’s on her mind.

The first Monday after she started journaling, I wasn’t sure what to expect when she came back home.

But after we hugged, she rummaged in her backpack and quietly handed over her journal.

I flipped through it while she watched me.

Most nights, she wrote a simple “I miss you, Mommy.” Other nights, she drew a picture of a sad face. A couple nights, the sad face had tears running down the cheeks.

I got to the end of the notebook, and my throat felt tight.

I looked up at her. “Did it help to write down how you were feeling?”

She nodded, her face serious.

“Can I write you back in this?” I asked.

Her face relaxed, just a little. She nodded again.

How to Stay Connected to Your Kids—From Separation Anxiety to Business Travel

This parenting trick will help your child feel connected and less stressed when you’re away from each other. Whether your child experiences separation anxiety when you leave for a date night or struggles when you’re away for business travel, your child will feel better and less anxious after getting his worries down on paper.

Here are a few helpful tips to keep in mind:

• Any notebook will do. I used plain white paper, a cereal box, and staples to make a DIY notebook. Ready-made notebooks^† would work great, too. (Although the Tom Riddle diary from Harry Potter might be a little creepy—I’d skip that one.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

• This works for pre-writers. If your child can’t write independently yet, encourage him to draw pictures to represent his feelings and thoughts. As another option, your child can use an app like Super Notes to record what he’s feeling anxious about.
• Take it one step further. Get two journals for when you’re away from your kid—one for your kid to write in, and one for you to write notes to your kid while you’re away.
• Give your kid a heads up. In situations of shared custody, make sure your child understands that it’s possible her other parent could find the journal and read it—with or without asking her first. If she’s uncomfortable with the idea of that, encourage her to talk to her other parent and ask for privacy.
• This alternative might work better. If the thought of writing about his feelings is too overwhelming to your child, another option is for you to write daily notes your child can open when you’re away. I did this when I was traveling one week and wouldn’t be able to visit my daughter for lunch at school. I wrote one note for every day I’d be gone, labeled the envelopes with the days of the week, and gave the whole stack to my daughter to keep in her desk at school. That way, she could open one note each day at lunch. The notes were nothing special—I just counted down the days until we’d see each other and included corny kid-friendly jokes. But the notes let her know I was thinking of her every day.
• This works when you’re together. When you and your child are back together, consider writing responses to her journal entries. This helps her feel heard and validates her emotions. If you enjoy this back-and-forth process, you can also try a mommy-and-me journal (or daddy-and-me) for the times when you are together.

Your Turn

How do you help your child cope with missing you? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post Here’s a Quick Way to Connect With Your Kids While You’re Away appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I have shared custody of my first-grader. In our particular joint custody schedule, she’s with us every other week—and with her dad and stepmom on the other weeks.

Those other weeks are hard on everyone in our family, but my daughter has it worst of all. Even before the transition between homes, she experiences real anxiety that makes it hard for her to sleep or eat.

One tradition that’s made it easier on her is that on those other weeks, I visit her at school for lunch.

Ever since I quit my corporate job to work from home, my 2-year-old tags along for our lunch dates too.

The minute my little one sees her sister walking down the long hall towards us, she takes off running at full toddler speed. And every single time, I can’t help grinning while I watch her jump into big sister’s arms and hug like they haven’t seen each other in months.

But as much as I look forward to our lunches together, every week they also make me irrationally angry.

Let Me Explain

On Fridays, I find myself trying to soak up every single second. To get one last full dose of my daughter before the weekend, when I won’t see her at all.

My patience rivals Mother Theresa’s. I smile, I laugh. Say “I love you” a hundred times, if not more.

I’m basically the June Cleaver version of myself. If June Cleaver were 8 months pregnant and sporting a ponytail to hide the fact that she hadn’t washed her hair in a week.

But then the moment comes.

Her teacher walks down the hall towards us, and it’s time for my child to line up with her classmates.

My toddler and I stand near the line, smiling and saying good-bye.

The line starts moving, kids shuffling down the hall, and I realize this is it.

My last view of my child before the weekend.

Every few steps, she turns back to wave at us.

We flash the ASL sign for “I love you” to each other.

We blow kisses to each other, then catch the kisses and hand-deliver them to our hearts. Even my toddler joins in.

I’m sure this all drives her teacher crazy, disrupting her orderly line of kids every time she turns back to us.

Soon, other lines of kids join the procession up or down the hall.

And Then It Happens

A parent steps in my line of sight. Or another line of kids blocks my view.

I can’t see her.

I move a few steps to the right, a few to the left, frantic to see her.

I can’t.

In that moment, it dawns on me that the last time we waved—that was the last time we’ll see each other for days.

And I’m angry.

So, so angry at that parent or that line of kids for getting in my way.

My eyes fill, and I try to keep it together so I don’t fall apart in the school hallway.

Don’t those kids understand this is it for me? Doesn’t that parent notice me trying desperately to see around them? They just stand in the way of my one last dose of my child, completely oblivious.

I’m being irrational, I know.

I also know that a few more seconds of seeing her won’t make that much of a difference.

I’ll still miss her so much that sometimes it will feel like I can’t breathe.

And yet, every week, it happens.

I can’t seem to stop the anger from coursing through my body.

When we get to the car, I buckle my toddler in her car seat as fast as possible and get into the driver’s seat.

I close my eyes and try to get a handle on the emotion.

And fail.

What’s the Answer?

Do I stop visiting her at lunch because it’s too hard? The thought makes me shiver.

Do I find a way to focus on the positive and crowd out the negative emotions?

I’m lucky to have the flexibility of working from home, so my schedule allows me to visit her for lunch every other week. And I do appreciate that, but it’s just never enough.

This summer, I’m excited to be home with my two oldest girls and their newborn sister, full time every other week.

We’re calling it Camp Treehouse, for our blended family name The Treehouse Family.

We’ll make our second annual summer idea board and fill it with fun stuff like visiting the library, making s’mores, and chasing down the ice cream truck.

I can’t wait.

But on the other weeks?

I offered to keep my daughter with me and her sisters during the day on those weeks. Her other parents declined. They’ve arranged for her to spend her time in child care and a couple summer camps.

Which means I won’t get to see her at all on those weeks.

I’m not sure how I’ll cope with not seeing her for a whole week at a time, especially since right now I’m struggling to handle a weekend without seeing her.

3 Ways to Cope With Joint Custody and Missing Your Child

Here’s some of the typical advice for parenting after divorce and missing your kids:

• Make plans to keep yourself busy while your child is away. I’ll be home with a newborn and a toddler, so that’s a good start.
• Treat yourself to something special so you have something to look forward to. We already plan our date nights for the weeks our child isn’t with us, so we’ll definitely keep that up.
• Call your child or encourage them to call you. My child isn’t a huge fan of talking on the phone, so I’m not sure this one is a good fit for us. (Our little introvert prefers texting…already!)

Maybe these tricks will help. Maybe they won’t.

But I do know one thing.

I’ll take an absolutely ridiculous amount of photos to capture everything we do at Camp Treehouse. Then on those other weeks, I’ll flip through the photos obsessively and remember all the Treehouse girls together.

And I might end up debating: How bad would it actually be to give a 7-year-old a cell phone?

Update: We’ve since found a solution that helps us cope with being apart during the summer: Here’s a Quick Way to Connect With Your Kids While You’re Away.

Want More?

Check out How Shared Custody Every Other Week Almost Breaks Me and A Quick Fix for When Your Child Feels Separation Anxiety.

Your Turn

How do you cope with missing your kid—whether that’s due to joint custody, summer camp, or a sleepover? Share your thoughts in a comment below.

The post When You Can’t Stand the Pain of Missing Your Child: 3 Simple Ways to Cope appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

We are a blended family. Every other week, our 6-year-old lives with us. The other weeks, she lives with her dad and stepmom.

Over the years, Ty and I have cobbled together our own toolbox of tricks for how to make a blended family work. But we weren’t prepared for what would happen when we decided to add another little one to our family.

An Unexpected Bump

I’ve always had the same last name—my maiden name. And while Ty is a modern man who loves to bake and prides himself on dressing well, when we got married he didn’t consider changing his last name to mine. And then my oldest’s last name is from my first marriage.

One family. Three different last names.

When I got pregnant three years ago, my oldest was beyond excited that she’d be getting a little sister or brother.

At 20 weeks pregnant, we found out that little one was a girl. It didn’t take us long after that to settle on a name.

A couple days after we told her what her sister’s name would be, my oldest and I were sitting on the living room floor playing Go Fish.

I shuffled the cards for the next game.

“Mommy,” she said. “What will the baby’s last name be?”

I looked up to see a tiny wrinkle of worry between her little eyebrows.

“Well, we haven’t decided for sure, but she’ll probably have Ty’s last name.”

“Why won’t she have my last name?”

I reached out and rubbed her back. “Honey, your last name is related to your dad. Your sister isn’t related to him at all, so it wouldn’t make sense for her to have that last name.”

Her chin dropped to her chest.

“I just want to have the same last name as my sister.”

A Parenting Dilemma

We had lots of talks about how they’d be connected as sisters because they both grew inside my belly. That they were the only people in the world who’d know what my heart sounds like from the inside.

We talked about how Ty and I have different last names, but that didn’t make us any less connected as a family.

But still, she was sad. She felt like she wouldn’t have anything in common with her sister.

One night after she was in bed, Ty and I were brainstorming other ways to help our oldest feel connected to her baby sister.

“Maybe we could give the baby the same middle name as her?” I said.

“We could,” Ty said. “But what happens if we decide to have another one down the line? Will they all have to have the same middle name?”

“True.”

We sat in silence for a few seconds.

I sighed. “Most families can call themselves the Millers or the Smiths or the Griswolds. We miss out on that.”

“What if we came up with our own name then?” Ty asked.

“What, like change all our names to be the same?”

“No, just a name we use to refer to ourselves as a family.”

It’s really not fair that he gets all the good ideas.

The Next Morning

Over pancakes and eggs, we shared the idea with our child. We’d come up with a special name, just for our little blended family.

She LOVED it.

Then we just had to decide what to call ourselves.

We like to bake together, so we considered The Bakers.

We like to tinker in the garage fixing broken things—and we’d just seen and loved Wreck-It Ralph—so we thought about becoming The Fix-It Family.

We threw out idea after idea, but nothing seemed to be the perfect fit.

Then finally, we figured it out.

We live right up against a wooded area, so from the very first day we toured the house that would become our family home, we’ve called it “The Treehouse.”

And so, we became The Treehouse Family.

A Quick Tip for How to Make a Blended Family Work

If you’re looking for a way to create a sense of togetherness for your blended family, try coming up with a special family name you all have in common.

It seems so simple, but it’s been a huge help in keeping us connected as a family. We use our special name to build our identity as a family. We use it to reinforce our values. We use it to rally around a common goal.

When something goes wrong or not as planned, we say, “But what’s the thing about the Treehouse family? We figure stuff out. We fix it!”

When it’s time to tidy up, we don’t have to mess around with chore charts or paying our kids to help around the house. We just say, “This is the Treehouse family’s house, so it’s our job as a family to help keep it tidy and clean.”

When our oldest asks to go out for ice cream after dinner, all she has to say is: “Because the Treehouse family loves dessert!”

And you really can’t argue with that line of reasoning.

Your Turn

In your family, how do you stay connected? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post Here’s a Quick Way for Your Blended Family to Stay Connected appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I have shared custody of my 5-year-old girl. This means she’s with us every other week – and with her dad and stepmom on the off weeks.

I miss her terribly on those weeks.

Before my youngest was born, I had the thought – though it’s completely illogical – that she might make it hurt a little less. Not that a baby could fill that big-kid-shaped hole in any way whatsoever, just that I would be so busy I wouldn’t have time to miss her as much.

But my oldest ruined that possibility by doing something totally annoying.

She went and became the best big sister a little baby could hope for.

When a 5-Year-Old Teaches You Something

Every time the baby needs a diaper change, her big sister is right by our side, getting the new diaper ready and finding where the diaper cream rolled under the bed and getting out a new package of wipes because it turned out to be a 20-wipe job.

When the baby spits up and needs a fresh onesie, my big kid runs into the bedroom and brings us one before we even have the old one off.

In the morning when we’re all running around the house like crazy trying to get out the door by 7:00 am for the kindergarten schedule that’s KILLING US SLOWLY and we put the baby on the floor for tummy time but she’s letting us know she’s not actually in the mood for that, her sister grabs Peek-a-Who^† and Good Night Gorilla off the shelf and lays next to her baby sister on the floor. And she reads to her.

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Seeing that makes me stop.

Slow down.

Realize that in my rush to pack my pump parts and put the ice pack in my daughter’s lunch and – oh no, have I brushed my teeth yet?

I’m missing it.

And Then She’s Gone

When we get home from work every other Monday night, it’s the first night without our big kid after a week of being together.

It’s so quiet.

At first, we breathe that sigh of relief that you get when you head out to date night and you realize you’re FREE and no one’s hanging onto you or spilling cereal all over the floor or asking you to explain the American justice system when it’s already past their bedtime.

But the next breath? Hurts.

The baby needs a diaper change, so I head into the bedroom and lay her down on the changing pad. But no clean diaper magically appears by my side, opened and ready to go.

A little later, she spits up all over herself and me and the cat, and I just sit there staring at the congealed milk for a few seconds until it hits me that my super helpful girl isn’t coming to my rescue this time.

It’s not just that I miss having the help, though that is awfully nice. What I miss is having another partner in raising our baby girl. I miss seeing my oldest lay this sweet foundation of being gentle and thoughtful with her sister.

And then there’s how fast our youngest is growing. One week, she was really into blowing raspberries. Now that’s over. This last week, she learned how to screech, and she especially likes to practice this new trick around about 4:00 am.

But my big kid wasn’t here to laugh with us at this crazy monkey sound.

It happened early in the week, and every day that went by, I got more and more nervous that the baby would lose interest in the screeching before her big sis came back to us.

If it had been a couple hours since the baby had last screeched, I was on Full Screech Alert, just waiting waiting to hear it again.

To make sure I hadn’t missed out on the chance to share it with my oldest.

A Surprise

On Wednesday last week, I surprised my oldest at school for lunch. We hadn’t seen each other since Monday morning when we dropped her off at school, starting her week away from us.

This was my first time to visit her for lunch since she started kindergarten, so I wasn’t sure how it would go.

Would she be so distracted by the chaos of 110 kids eating lunch at the same time that she’d barely notice I was there? Would she be embarrassed to sit with her mom for lunch when all the other kids were eating together?

Just before 11:00 am I pulled into the school parking lot and strapped the baby to me in the Baby K’Tan.

As I walked into school, I saw my child’s class walking single-file down the hallway, on their way to the cafeteria.

She saw me and stopped in her tracks. The kids behind her in line bumped into her.

I called down the hall. “I thought I’d join you for lunch today. Is that okay?”

A smile spread across her face. She nodded.

After I signed in at the front office, I headed to the cafeteria.

I scanned the room of talking and laughing kindergarteners and didn’t immediately see her. But she must’ve seen me. Suddenly a smiling blonde girl was in front of me, lunch bag in hand.

“Where do we go to sit?”

She pointed to a few tables up on the stage. A few other parents were there with their kids already.

We held hands as we walked over, and I asked: “Was this a good surprise?”

She looked up at me. “Yes.” That smile again.

Something I Wasn’t Meant to See

She ate her lunch while we chatted.

Nothing we talked about was all that interesting or important. (She had music that morning and was headed to computer lab after lunch.)

Still, our lunch fed my soul.

I saw her class stand up and start to line up against the wall. “I think it’s time to go,” I said.

We held hands on the walk back to the rest of her class.

She was quiet. I guess I was too.

Her classmates were lined up against the wall, so she joined them.

“Have a good weekend,” I said. “I’ll see you in just a few days on Monday!”

“Okay,” she said.

I bent to hug and kiss her and managed to avoid bonking the baby’s head into hers, which I was proud of. Before I stood back up, she gave her baby sister a kiss on the head.

Then I turned around and walked away.

But by the time I had gone 10 feet, I already missed seeing her face. I wouldn’t see it again til Monday, so I turned back to steal a glance at my daughter in her school element.

She was in the line between two other girls, and she had pulled her t-shirt up to her face.

To wipe her eyes.

Had someone stepped on her foot? Said something mean?

I closed the gap between us, and she looked up at me.

Her eyes were red, but she had been crying quietly – no sound. She blinked, and a couple more tears dropped to her cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’m sad you’re leaving,” she said.

This wasn’t crying to get attention, as 5-year-olds will sometimes do. This wasn’t an overreaction to some minor infraction committed by another kid.

This was raw emotion, leaking out of my child.

And now I couldn’t control the emotion leaking out of me.

I blinked to clear my eyes and pointed to my chest. “Remember, you’re always in here.” Then pointed to her chest. “And I’m always in there. We’re always together in there, no matter what. Always.”

She nodded and gave me a sad, brave smile.

I smiled back.

When I turned to leave again, I headed to a spot just outside the cafeteria where I’d be able to watch her but she couldn’t see me.

As her class filed out of the cafeteria and towards the computer lab, I had to concentrate on keeping my feet where they were.

Don’t make it harder on her, I told myself.

Then just as she was about to disappear around the corner, she dipped her head down and pulled her shirt up to her eyes.

A Hard Decision When It Comes to Shared Custody

The rest of that week, I wondered if that lunch had been a good idea.

Why upset her in the middle of the school day? Lunch at school is my only opportunity to see her on the weeks she’s not with us, but maybe it was selfish of me to want that.

She came back to us this Monday night, and we were all sitting at the dinner table.

“Hey,” I said. She looked up. “Remember when Mommy visited you at school for lunch last week?”

She nodded.

“And remember how you cried when I left?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Maybe,” I said, wanting to stop talking, wanting to leave it at that. “Maybe…I shouldn’t visit at lunch because it makes you sad.”

“No!” she said, her face crumpling.

“But don’t you think it’s too hard?”

“I promise I won’t cry again,” she said.

“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying. You don’t have to hide it when you feel sad. I just thought maybe you would like it better if I didn’t visit.”

“No, I want you to come.” Her eyes were pink.

“Okay, I can do that.” I took a deep breath, relieved I wouldn’t have to give up my extra dose of her.

The crease between her eyebrows softened. “Can you come every week?”

I smiled and nodded. “I can come Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Which day would you like?”

“Friday.” She was grinning now.

“It’s a date, then. Fridays I have lunch with my girl.”

She giggled. “It’s not a date!”

So then I had to explain the phrase “it’s a date.” But I’ll take that over explaining the American justice system any day.

Want More?

Check out 3 Ways to Cope With Joint Custody and Missing Your Child and A Quick Fix for When Your Child Feels Separation Anxiety for tips on parenting after divorce.

Your Turn

Share your story in a comment below.

The post How to Stay Connected to Your Child When You Share Custody appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.