Some mornings before school, my daughter won’t eat her breakfast, no matter what I say.

“You’re going to be starving when you get to school.”
“This is your last chance to eat for six hours.”
“You won’t be able to focus on anything if you’re hungry.”

She’ll take a bite or two to get me off her back, but that’s it.

Or on other days, she gets home from school, grabs a book, and heads straight for a quiet spot to read, barely acknowledging me or her sisters.

In both situations, I used to needle her for an explanation: What’s wrong? Did something happen today? What are you worried about?

But that never worked, and eventually I got the message. Because when you’re in the middle of real emotional upset, you don’t exactly want someone following you around and incessantly bugging you about it.

What You Don’t See As a Parent

My child happens to show every bit of emotional upset outwardly, but every child experiences big emotions on a regular basis that they don’t know how to talk about or process on their own.

For example:

• Another kid might have said something mean to your child, and it’s been eating at her all day.
• Your child might have received a homework or test grade that made him feel like a failure.
• Her class might have been running late on their schedule today, meaning your child had to rush through lunch and didn’t get to take a bathroom break mid-day.
• He might be stressed about having to speak in front of the class soon or about a big project he doesn’t know how to get started on.
• She might have heard about a birthday party her friends are going to but that she didn’t get invited to.

Every day, our kids encounter moments like this that leave their little hearts bruised.

As parents, we typically don’t know about these moments, and our kids don’t necessarily know how to bring up what happened in a positive, proactive way. Which makes sense because some adults don’t even know how to do that!

So how can we help our kids process these emotions and move forward?

Because if I’ve learned anything from watching Frozen 42 gabazillion times, it’s that “conceal don’t feel” is not a recipe for emotional wellbeing.

And as it turns out, research shows that kids who have a healthy emotional intelligence do better in school, have more positive relationships, and develop more empathy.

Related: 150 Family Conversation Starters That Will Unlock Your Child’s Heart

How to Help Your Child Learn and Grow From Challenging Moments

Asking a direct question like, “Did anything happen today that upset you?” usually doesn’t work, and as I learned, needling your kid until they spill the beans isn’t terribly effective either.

But about a year ago, I stumbled on one essential tool for my parenting toolbox that’s helped my daughter process big and small emotional bumps in the road: journals for kids.

Journaling is a powerful tool for coping with emotions – for kids and adults – because:

• The emotional release you get from journaling can lower anxiety and stress, plus help you sleep better.
• Journaling can put you into a state of mindfulness, where your negative experiences don’t seem quite so earth-shattering.
• Writing by hand about your emotions helps you better understand and process those emotions, and it also seems to unlock the maximum calming effect related to journaling.

Not to mention journaling is an excellent (and fun) way to help your child build your writing and communication skills. Many kids get discouraged by the experience of writing in a school setting because they get negative marks for grammatical errors or misspellings instead of encouragement for expressing themselves. Journaling gives kids a positive and healthy way to express themselves without fear of doing it “wrong.”

And yet, as effective as journaling is, you can’t just throw a blank journal at your child and expect magic to happen.

Related: 7 Best Family Bonding Games That Will Help You Reconnect Quickly {Printable}

10 Best Journals for Kids That Will Boost Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence

Blank journals can work for experienced journalers, but most kids need more support for journaling to work well.

The problem is if you go search Amazon for “journals for kids,” you’ll get a whole slew of results to wade through. How do you know which journals for kids are the best ones? How do you find the kids’ journals that will actually help your child get all those emotional benefits of journaling?

In my family, we’ve taken several kids’ journals for a test drive, plus I’ve been kind of obsessive about asking friends and family if their kids use a journal, which one they use, and if their kids enjoy it and keep up with the journaling.

The list below is the culmination of our own personal experience as well as the experience of many other families – so you don’t have to wade through hundreds of Amazon reviews to find out which journals for kids are the absolute best.

1. Just Between Us: Mother & Daughter^† or Between Mom and Me: A Mother Son Journal

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

One of the best ways to ease your child into journaling is by joining her with a shared journal. We have personally used this mother-daughter journal, and my friends with boys have loved this journal for mothers and sons.

You take turns with your child writing in this journal, and in the process, you find out what’s weighing on your little one’s heart. Of all the journals for kids on this list, this one has been our personal favorite because it gives you a magical way to get your kid to open up about what’s going on so you can stay connected.

For a “dad and me” writing journal for kids that builds the father-child relationship, check out Love, Dad and Me: A Father and Daughter Keepsake Journal and Between Dad and Me: A Father and Son Keepsake Journal.

2. Mom and Me: An Art Journal to Share or Draw with Me, Dad!

A similar journal that a few of my friends rave about is this gorgeous mom and me art journal.

One of the co-authors is a licensed art therapist, so the book includes tips on how to start an open conversation with your child, the best ways to communicate when you’re creating side-by-side, and more.

Draw with Me, Dad! is from the same publisher but written by a different author who’s a licensed psychologist.

If your child isn’t ready for a writing journal quite yet, these art journals for kids give you a fun way to dip your toe into the world of journaling for kids.

3. Q&A a Day for Kids or for Teens

This Q&A journal is another favorite in our family. You can fill it out as a family, or each child can have their own journal to fill out.

Here’s how it works: Every day, you answer one question from the book. You record up to three years of answers on the same page, which means after a year you get to see the answers from the previous year. Adorable!

This is how we started ours when we first got it:

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A post shared by Kelly » Happy You Happy Family (@kellyjholmes)

If you love this journal idea, you can also get a version of this journal for couples and one specifically designed for moms.

4. Me: A Compendium

In this journal for younger kids, kids draw or write to fill in the prompts on each page. The illustrations are gorgeous, and the simple design makes this journal the perfect fit for preschoolers, kindergarteners, and early grade schoolers.

The prompts on each page are fun and keep kids engaged, from “This is my favorite thing to say” to “If I had a robot, I would program it to…” and “These are my top three ice cream flavors.”

After your child fills out this journal, it makes a one-of-a-kind keepsake.

5. Time Capsule

With prompts like “How to have the best day ever” and “How to fix the worst day ever,” this kids’ journal is for an older crowd than Me: A Compendium. The publisher recommends ages 8 and up, but I’ve heard from parents whose kids enjoyed this starting at the age of 6.

A few parents reported that this journal was particularly great for getting reluctant writers excited about writing, which is a fun bonus of journaling for kids.

6. Choose Kind Journal

If your child enjoyed the bestselling book Wonder or the movie based on the book, this journal is a lovely tie-in.

The journal includes daily prompts to inspire kids to “do one wonderful thing every day,” from writing a compliment for someone else on a Post-It Note, to reflecting on someone who’s taught you something you’ll always remember, to a challenge like, “How many smiles can you give out today?”

The prompts also feature quotes from the book, so this journal would be best for kids who’ve already read the book or seen the movie.

7. I Love Science

This journal is tailored to kids who like to tinker, discover, and experiment. It’s from the same author as the bestselling (and gorgeous!) Women in Science book that features 50 profiles of famous female scientists. (The journal is geared towards girls, but I know of a couple parents who got it for their boys who love science, too.)

The book includes inspirational quotes from famous scientists, fascinating infographics, and writing prompts like “What is a challenge you’ve overcome recently?”

Many of the pages include just a quote and no writing prompt, so this journal would be the best fit for a child who feels comfortable with journaling without a prompt.

8. Rip the Page!

For kids who enjoy creative writing, this journal includes writing prompts, notes of encouragement from famous authors, and fun activities for getting your creative juices flowing.

This journal will definitely get your child thinking outside the box when it comes to writing and creating. I’ve also heard from some teachers who’ve used this journal to create their writing lesson plans.

9. Journal Sparks

When your child is ready to move beyond the fill-in journal style for younger kids, this is the perfect companion to go along with their first blank journal.

This collection of creative journal prompts includes ideas for both art and writing entries. Some parents enjoy using this alongside their child to journal together – and some parents just flat-out steal their kid’s copy when they’re at school or asleep.

Pair this book of creative prompts with a blank, unlined journal like this beautiful leather journal that comes in several colors and sizes.

10. The Blank Comic Book

This blank comic book is a fun twist on a blank journal that will spark your child’s creativity – the blank panels encourage kids to design their own comic book.

This journal is especially perfect for kids who love comic books and graphic novels.

I’ve also heard from friends that these blank comic books work well for a wide age range because preschoolers can draw a story without having to write words, and teens can get pretty detailed in their storytelling.

Your Turn

What are your favorite journals for kids? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Boost Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence With the Best Secret Weapon appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Parenting tweens and teens can give you whiplash if you’re not careful. It typically starts out a little like this:

• Your kid tracks mud through the living room, and you snap. She hangs her head, and you’re not proud of snapping at her. But you clean it up together, and you both move on.
• Then 30 minutes later when you ask for help folding laundry, you realize the truth about who’s moved on. She stomps over to the laundry basket and won’t make eye contact. She’s still stuck on the mud mishap.
• And so you snip at each other, back and forth, back and forth – getting progressively grumpier with each other in each exchange. Suddenly, you get the feeling you’re on the outside looking in, and you wonder: Where did we go so wrong?

Science shows that in happy relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. When my oldest daughter and I have been snapping at each other all day, balancing every negative interaction with five positive exchanges feels like an impossible goal to get us back on track.

Here’s the good news: After researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting and writing a book about it, I can usually catch myself much earlier when we start down that path.

But the truth is, we still have these moments. I find myself wishing life had a reset button so we can start fresh and erase the negativity.

And my attempts to reset my moody child’s attitude haven’t worked out well.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free cheat sheet of 16 miracle phrases that will help you reconnect with your child after a tough moment.

This Is How It Goes

One morning not too long ago, my oldest daughter and her middle sister came downstairs to breakfast, and I hugged both girls at the same time. It didn’t take long for the little one to squirm out of the hug, leaving me still hugging my big kid.

I kissed her on the top of her head. “How’d you sleep?”

“Not good.” She gestured at her sister, playing happily. “She keeps kicking me and pushing me off the bed while she’s sleeping.”

I laughed. “You used to do the same thing when you slept.”

Her face darkened, and she pulled away from the hug. “No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did!” I laughed again. “And when we drove late at night on road trips, you’d flail your arms and legs.” She loves hearing stories about when she was younger, so I thought this little snippet would pull her back in.

“Well, I couldn’t sleep, and I was tired!” Her voice rose the tiniest amount.

My smile dropped. “I know you were tired. I’m just saying that you sleep the same way as your sister.”

“No, I don’t!” Her voice went up another notch.

I decided to drop it, but the damage was done. As the morning went by, we got more and more snippy with each other.

An Attempt to Reset

I hated the idea of sending my daughter off to school on that note, so while she was brushing her teeth, I walked into the bathroom, stood behind her, and rubbed her shoulders.

“Hey,” I said.

She kept her eyes on the bathroom sink as she brushed.

“Hey,” I repeated. I put my face down next to hers, looking straight at her face in the mirror.

She glanced up, and our eyes met. Victory! I thought.

I lowered my voice to just above a whisper. “I’m sorry. Can we start over?”

She glared back for a full second, then dropped her eyes back to the bathroom sink while she washed out her toothbrush.

I stood there, waiting. But her body language was clear. I sighed and walked away.

If this is what it’s like as a tween, how in the world am I going to connect with her when she’s a moody teenager?

Related: A Quick Fix for a Pouting Kid

A Turning Point

This scene has played out several more times over the last few months. Every time, I ask, “Can we start over?” And every time, my daughter appears to snub my olive branch.

Then something happened last Saturday that gave me hope.

Something I firmly believe every parent should teach their tweens before they become teenagers.

We’d just returned from picking out her first pair of glasses. That’s a story for another day, but you should know that she’s still making peace with her life sentence of corrective lenses. While we had fun picking out glasses together, a hodgepodge of conflicting emotions flooded her brain.

And so of course, we snapped at each other in the car the whole way home.

In the front seat, I pushed my tongue against my top teeth to catch myself from continuing the tennis match. And I thought, again: “Where did we go wrong?”

When we got home, I walked in the house without another word to her. I didn’t know what to say or what to do to get us back on track. And so horrible as it may sound, I opted for silence.

My baby was hungry, so I plopped her in the high chair and sat down next to her at the breakfast table.

In my peripheral vision, I saw my oldest put her shoes away in the hall closet. I saw her head towards the stairs – her go-to move when she’s upset. And I was going to let her walk away because in that moment, I felt completely lost as a parent.

But I didn’t hear the baby gate open and close. And then I saw my big girl standing to the side of my chair.

I looked up, and she opened her mouth but didn’t say anything.

“What is it?” I asked. Not ready for another heated conversation, not ready to navigate the prickly patch of her emotions again.

She took a deep breath.

“Mommy, can we start over?”

Free Cheat Sheet: 16 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Kid

The Effect Was Immediate

My eyes filled.

“Oh, hon.” I dropped the baby spoon and pulled her into a bear hug. “Yes, yes. Let’s start over.”

After a few seconds, I held her away from me a bit so I could see her face, and she smiled.

Pulling her back into the hug, I whispered, “Thank you.”

Related: The 5-Minute After School Routine That Will Make Your Family Stronger

How to Get Through to Your Moody Child

When your child is in a bad mood and nothing you say or do seems to help, try asking for a do-over. Not only will you model a healthy relationship habit, you’ll teach your child that we all make mistakes, and it’s okay to ask for a second chance.

Teach your child this phrase before you hit the teenage years:

“Can we start over?”

Teach this phrase when they’re 10 or 8 or even 3. If at first it doesn’t work, keep trying.

Because just when you think all is lost, your child may surprise you.

And when your sweet baby turns into a teenager filled with emotions so powerful they shock you both, this phrase may be the reset button that saves you.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re in the thick of a negative interaction, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right thing to say. Use this cheat sheet of miracle phrases to help you in those tough moments. You’ll find this life-changing phrase plus 15 more. For the full story on these phrases, check out 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

How do you reconnect with your moody child? Share in a comment below!

The post One Simple Question That Will Reset Your Kid’s Bad Mood appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

“Is he teething?” she asked.

We were in the elevator heading up to our apartment after running two quick errands. My son was crying – again. Every day after we get home, he does this thing where he wants to pretend to drive the car. And then he wants to run around the parking lot like a wild horse in an open field.

I wrangled him, walked inside, and got on the elevator.

And he was crying his eyes out in a full-on meltdown. The woman with us in the elevator repeated, “Is he teething? You must be getting some teeth there, huh?”

I can’t keep track of how many times I get this question. When it happens, I think, Here we go again. But instead, I say, “No, he’s just two.”

“Oh, the terrible twos! I remember those days,” she said.

The conversation feels like the movie Groundhog Day. It’s the same thing every day, just with a different stranger each time.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of five simple ways to survive your child’s next tantrum – plus five things not to do.

It Was Starting to Get to Me

Is my son out of the ordinary for a 2-year-old? Why is a little tantrum all that terrible of a thing? And seriously, please stop asking if he’s teething. He’s had a full set of teeth for more than a year now. I’m sure at some point he’ll get his 2-year molars, but odds are if a 2-year-old is crying, it’s not because of teething.

A friend once shared a quote from parenting author Peggy O’Mara^† with me:

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

Peggy O’Mara

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

That quote stuck with me over the past year. Is labeling my toddler as “terrible” helping me in the long run? And is this the parenting mindset I want embrace throughout the next year?

I don’t have the answers.

I’m a first-time mom, and I often find myself falling down and making mistakes each and every day. I’m learning to be a mom in the same way my son is learning to be a little boy. But this quote got me thinking: What if we labeled mothers as “terrible” for all their misgivings and lessons learned along this tumultuous journey of motherhood?

Then I Read This Book

A friend hooked me up with a copy of The Danish Way. I love parenting books, so of course I was game. After reading it a bit, I got to a part about how the Danes approach the toddler years.

Apparently, the Danes don’t use a phrase like “the terrible twos” in their parenting of toddlers.

Nope.

Doesn’t exist in their language.

Instead, they call it The Boundary Stage.

It isn’t teething, and it isn’t terrible. This is simply a phase of life when children incessantly test boundaries to learn about the world.

Free Cheat Sheet: 5 Things to Do During a Tantrum – and 5 Things Not to Do

What Every Parent Should Know About the Terrible Twos

Turns out, there isn’t anything terrible about a 2-year-old. During this stage, young children learn what they can and cannot do. Testing boundaries, tantrums, crying, whining – all of the above – are normal toddler behavior and signs of a healthy developing child.

As parents, we sometimes feel guilty about our children crying. We feel this need to fix it or stop the crying because that’s what mothers do: We make the tears go away. But many times, we’re doing an amazing job as parents by allowing the tears to flow.

1. You set a boundary.
2. Your child learns the boundary exists.
3. You create consistent limits.
4. Over time, your child learns consistent limits and that boundaries are firm.
5. You set a strong foundation for behavior.
6. As your child matures with a strong foundation beneath them, things get easier.

Related: The Magic Phrase to Stop Kids Asking Why 70 Million Times a Day

Crying in the Elevator Again

So much of my life right now is the repetition of setting a boundary. The protesting is often less as time goes on, but today my son is especially interested in testing the limits. I can only imagine he wants to know for sure – again – that he cannot run around the grocery store parking lot like a wild horse in an open field.

And today, I’m letting him know that for sure he cannot. I’m taking a deep breath to stay calm and letting him know that the boundary is firm.

And today, he’s crying about it. He’s gone from wild horse to flailing fish on the floor of the elevator in 2.4 seconds flat.

And today, another stranger in the elevator asks, “Is he teething?”

And today, I smile and say something different. “Nope, he’s in the boundary stage.”

I’m not sure she even knows what I’m talking about because she cocks her head to one side. The elevator dings, and we walk off together. To be more exact, I walk off carrying my crying toddler like a giant sausage under my arm. But I’m still smiling – just barely, but I am – because I know he’s not a terrible kid, and I’m not a terrible mom.

This is a normal stage of a child’s development. He’s just testing boundaries.

And I’m here to enforce them.

Related: How to Handle Your Kid’s Temper Tantrum Like a Ninja Mom

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

1. Get this free cheat sheet: 5 Things to Do During a Tantrum – and 5 Things Not to Do. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on the fridge.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Pinterest photo of smiling girl on swing by Donnie Ray Jones.

Your Turn

How do you cope with the terrible twos – er, The Boundary Stage? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Survive the Terrible Twos—Plus Help Your Child Thrive appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

A puppy-shaped purse. A personal fan. A toy cat that meows like a real cat…because I guess having three cats in your house isn’t enough?

These are all things that my kids have seen while we were running errands in various stores, and they insisted they just had to own them.

What do I mean by “insisted”? The sales pitch typically starts with whining, progresses to pouting, and sometimes crescendoes with truly spectacular temper tantrums. In those moments, it feels like my child always wants to buy something, and I worry that I’m raising entitled kids.

But thanks to one simple parenting trick, we no longer have to expend Herculean effort to escape a store without our child whining or begging for us to buy something.

What’s the Big Deal, Anyway?

This isn’t just a case of not wanting to listen to my kid whining. This solution is a simple way to give my child practice with something important.

Because as it turns out, a child’s ability to self-regulate – resist impulses, control emotions, and so on – is actually a bigger predictor of success in school than the child’s IQ. Plus, children who can control their impulses turn into adults who are healthier and have greater financial stability.

By teaching my child how to keep her impulses in check, I’m setting her up for a life of success and financial security, which I’m sure she’ll use to put me in the bestest, poshest old person’s home that money can buy.

A 3-Step Fix For When Your Child Always Wants to Buy Something

When one of our kids asks for something at a store, this is our surefire process to avoid a meltdown. If you feel like your child always wants to buy something, here’s what you do:

1. Acknowledge the desire. This could be as simple as saying, “Yeah, that Crazy Cat Lady action figure^† is really cool.” When I forget this step, the whole solution doesn’t work as well. (And hey, I have absolutely zero idea what I’d do with these egg holders I always see in Anthropologie, but my desire to own them has infiltrated every fiber of my soul. So I really do get it, kiddo.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

2. Ask this question. “Do you want me to add it to your wish list?” This transforms the focus of the moment from wanting something RIGHT NOW to evaluating whether it’s something on par with the things on her birthday and Christmas wish list.
3. Honor the answer. If she says yes, I pull out my phone, open the notes app, and add that thing to her running wish list right then and there. No matter how ridiculous that thing may be. Bacon band-aids? Of course! Who wouldn’t want those?

And that’s it!

Not only do we head off whining at the pass, we have a ready-made wish list when grandparents need gift ideas.

One Important Rule for Parents

Maybe this goes without saying, but an important part of this equation is: When your child always wants to buy something, don’t buy what they’re asking for.

Sure, it’s fun to see that look of joy on their grubby little face, but you’re actually confusing the heck out of your kid. They’ll continue asking for stuff because that one time, they asked and you got it for them. They won’t understand why this time you’re being such a meanie, so they’ll ramp up their efforts to convince you.

If you really want to surprise your kid, do it in a day or two. Let the moment of impulse pass – for your child and you.

But That’s Not the Best Part

Every month or two, we review the list with the kids. They see the toys they wanted on a whim right alongside their biggest desires like a new bike or a family trip to the beach. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to talk about how if you spend all your money on little stuff, you won’t be able to save enough for your big goals like vacations.

In almost every case, the kids change their minds and say they don’t want the impulse toys on their wish list anymore.

Which is awesome.

Because we don’t end up spending money on junky toys that will just end up as clutter in our kids’ rooms, and our kids learn the important life skill of impulse control.

Before You Go: A Disclaimer

In full disclosure, this trick doesn’t prevent begging every single time. But about 95 percent of the time, it works like a charm.

For the deepest of desires (those adorable egg trays will be mine!), you may have to use another parenting tip from your toolbox.

Here are a few expert-recommended tricks that work well for us: 7 Surefire Ways to Get Your Kid to Stop Whining.

Your Turn

What’s your best trick for when your child always wants to buy something? Share in a comment below!

The post When Your Child Always Wants to Buy Something, Here’s a Quick + Simple Fix appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Temper tantrums. Meltdowns. Angry outbursts.

Whatever you call it, when your kid throws a temper tantrum – whether they’re a toddler or a teenager – it’s absolutely zero fun.

And when the dust settles, my first instinct is to put it behind me and pretend it never happened.

But when I don’t circle back with my kid after a tantrum, I’m missing out on a huge opportunity for a teachable moment.

Here’s Why

Let’s suppose my husband and I acted like that with each other.

Maybe I forgot to run the dishwasher before bedtime, and now it’s the next morning and he realizes my mistake. Oatmeal is kinda hard to make without a clean bowl, and he’s already running late. He might lose his temper, raise his voice, and stomp off to the shower without eating breakfast.

It doesn’t take a marriage counselor to know that if we never spoke of the incident again – if we just pretended it didn’t happen – that wouldn’t make for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

And yet, I find myself wanting to just shove my kids’ temper tantrums under the rug and move on.

Unfortunately for me, that’s not a wise parenting move.

Why a Temper Tantrum Ain’t Over When It’s Over

When kids learn how to deal with conflict in a positive way, research shows that kids’ confidence and self-esteem increase, they become creative problem-solvers, and they have stronger friendships. Just like in a healthy marriage, an important part of kids dealing with conflict in a positive way is waiting until everyone is calm and then talking about what happened.

And all this leads to happier kids.

But let’s say you’re ready to revisit the cause of the tantrum, but your kid isn’t.

Instead of calmly resolving a disagreement, she runs away and pouts.

What do you do when you’re ready to lecture her about what went wrong, and she flat-out refuses to talk about what happened?

An Embarrassing Memory

One night this week, I was flipping through my journal where I record the cute things our kids say and do. The entries are short, and my handwriting messy.

For example, here’s an entry from the beginning of last summer about a conversation between me and our then 6-year-old:

Me: “What do you wanna learn about this summer? Dinosaurs? Outer space?”

Her: …

Me: “History?”

Her: “Yeah!” Pause. “What’s history?”

But as I was flipping through and chuckling to myself, I came across an entry that was a couple pages long. So I stopped to read it.

And I was reminded of one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done as a parent. Here’s what happened.

Rookie Mistake

One weekend afternoon a few months ago, we took the kids out for ice cream.

We had SUCH a good time that from there, we decided to take them to the toy store and let them pick out a new jigsaw puzzle. Just because.

Only we didn’t tell them we were going in to pick out a puzzle. We just drove there.

When we got out of the car in the toy store parking lot, my child’s eyes got wide. (Our toddler was oblivious.)

We walked into the toy store and let her run off to explore, and Ty and I walked over to the puzzle area with the toddler on my hip.

A couple minutes later, she came running up to us with some plastic monstrosity designed for two-year-olds. “Mommy! Can I have this?”

“No,” I said. “That’s for littler kids, like your sister’s age.”

She hung her head and walked away.

Then after another couple minutes, she was back with another toy. “I want this! Can we get it?”

I was staring at a puzzle of Positano, Italy, and daydreaming of Mediterranean beaches and gelato and wine.

“No,” I snapped. “We’re just getting a puzzle.”

Which would be the first time we explained to our child our intentions in coming to the toy store.

She kept picking out toys, I kept saying no, and she got increasingly frustrated and upset until it happened.

A full-blown temper tantrum.

But That Wasn’t the Hard Part

She was beyond reason.

Crying. Stomping her feet. Whining.

Extracting her from the store squeezed every last drop of patience out of this mama.

She cried most of the way home, but the further we got from the store, the calmer she got.

Within 30 minutes of getting home, she was back to her regular, happy self.

We played LEGOs for a while and had dinner, then it was time for bed.

With her pajamas on and teeth brushed, she jumped into bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. I sat down in the chair next to her bed.

“So,” I said. And I hesitated. I was bone tired, and she was calm and ready for bed. I still had a toddler to coax into sleep after I was done with my oldest’s bedtime routine.

But I took a deep breath and kept going.

“We need to talk about what happened at the toy store today. Do you want to talk about it now, or after bedtime story?”

“Now,” she said, frowning.

She pulled the covers up over her head.

Oh boy, I thought.

“Can I hold your hand while we talk about it?” I asked.

“No.”

“Can I hold your foot?”

“No.”

“Can I hold your nose?”

The tiniest hint of a giggle. “No.”

“What can I hold?”

“You can hold one finger,” she said. And she peeked out from the covers and offered me an index finger, which I grabbed onto.

“I know you don’t want to talk about this,” I said. And then I stopped.

Exactly how was I going to convince her to talk about a tough subject? An image flashed through my mind of an adult version of my child having a disagreement with her boyfriend about who should walk the dog in the rain – and her running off to hide under the covers.

Then I had an idea. “Here’s the thing, honey. When something happens like what happened at the toy store, it gives you a little boo-boo on your heart. And me too.”

Her eyes got wide.

“And when you get a boo-boo – any kind of boo-boo – you have to clean it out so it doesn’t get infected and swollen and itchy and red and puffy,” I said. “But…is it fun to clean out a boo-boo?”

“No,” she said.

“Right. Cleaning it out is the hard part and it’s no fun, but you have to do that before you can put a band-aid on it so it can heal.”

I leaned closer to her and lowered my voice to just above a whisper. “Do you know the way you clean out a heart boo-boo?”

She shook her head.

“By talking about what happened.” I leaned back again. “Why don’t you go pick out some band-aids for us and come back, and we’ll clean out the boo-boos.”

“For real?” she asked.

“Yes, for real.”

She got up out of bed, disappeared into her bathroom, and came back with two unicorn band-aids^†.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Did It Work?

After she climbed back into bed, I reached for her index finger again. “I’m sorry for not explaining to you why we were going to the toy store. We were there to pick out a new puzzle, and that’s it. But I didn’t tell you that before we got there, and I should have.”

She stared at me.

“Is there anything you’re sorry for?” I asked.

“No.”

“Anything you wish you hadn’t done?”

“I don’t know.” She looked down. “Did I do anything bad?”

“Well…” I hesitated, scared to set off a pouting episode. “When you stomped your feet and talked to me in that tone, it felt like you didn’t respect me.”

She ducked her head down. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Sorry for what, hon?”

“Sorry for stomping my feet and talking cranky.”

Not the most heartfelt apology, but it was better than her hiding under the covers again.

We came up with a plan for how to handle going into a toy store. Before we walk in, we’ll talk about what we’re there to buy.

If she sees something really cool, she can ask me to add it to her wish list, which I keep in Evernote on my phone.

We talked – not for the first time – about how we can’t get everything that looks cool because we wouldn’t have enough money to pay for our house and food and car.

When we were all talked out, I said: “Is your heart boo-boo clean?”

She closed her eyes tight, then opened them again. “Yes, I think so.”

“Are you sure? Is there any dirt or anything left in it?”

She giggled. “No.” Then, quietly: “Is your heart boo-boo clean too?”

I smiled. “Yes, it is. Are you ready to put the band-aids on?”

We each opened a band-aid.

I reached over and put a band-aid over her heart, on top of her pajamas.

She reached up and put a band-aid over my heart, on top of my shirt. As it turns out, my heart is pretty close to my shoulder. Who knew?

She sealed my band-aid with a kiss. So I did the same.

5 Steps to Turn a Temper Tantrum Into a Teachable Moment

Since that conversation months ago, we’ve referred back to the concept of “heart boo-boos” on at least a weekly basis. The metaphor helped my child understand why it’s important to talk about arguments or tantrums, even if it’s a tough conversation to have.

If you’d like to use the concept of heart boo-boos with your kid, please let me know how it goes! Just keep these principles in mind to increase your chance of success.

1. Wait

Make sure you and your child are both calm before trying to talk about what happened. You can’t reason with a child in the middle of an emotional upheaval. Her brain just won’t compute what you’re trying to say.

And the same goes for you. When stress hormones are flooding your system, you’re not ready to have a calm, logical talk. Try taking some deep belly breaths together before you start the conversation.

2. Reconnect

Any loving touch will trigger the release of the hormone oxytocin, which helps bring the body into a calm, relaxed state. You could give your kid a hug, rub their shoulder, or hold hands – or even index fingers, apparently. Anything to show that you still love him, even though you experienced conflict.

3. Be Playful

You can diffuse a lot of tension with humor or acting silly. For example, when my child resisted holding my hand, I asked if I could hold her foot or her nose. Not super creative, but it got the job done. You can tickle your child (if they like that), make a funny face, or turn on music and have a family dance party. Whatever works for your child and your family.

4. Listen

This conversation isn’t a time for you to unload a lecture. It needs to be a two-way conversation, which means you should listen to your child’s feelings, too.

You can prompt your child to start talking with a question like, “How did you feel about what happened?” Then reflect back what your child says to show her you empathize with her feelings.

5. Stay Neutral

If you start off the conversation by calling your kid names like a “brat” or “whiny,” your child will likely shut right down. I love these tips from Dr. Laura Markham.

• Use “I” statements to describe your feelings. Example: “When you talked in that tone, I felt like you didn’t respect me.” instead of “You’re so disrespectful.”
• Describe the facts of the situation and avoid making judgments. Example: “You stomped your feet, crossed your arms, and yelled.” instead of “You acted like a total brat.”
• Share information instead of making accusations. Example: “I saw the iPad on the kitchen counter, after we said no more iPad today.” instead of “Did you use the iPad when I told you not to?”

Want More?

Check out How to Handle Your Kid’s Temper Tantrums Like a Ninja Mom for more tricks to survive temper tantrums.

Your Turn

How do you circle back after a temper tantrum to create a teachable moment? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post How to Turn a Temper Tantrum Into a Teachable Moment appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

In our family, we’ve tried several tricks to handle whining kids. Depending on the situation, we’ll pick the best “no whining” trick in our parenting toolbox—or we might end up using all of them.

But in the last couple years, one single approach has worked consistently, again and again. In fact, it works even better today than the first day we used it.

And the best part? Our child loves it.

What’s Our Secret?

We told our daughter we’d be hanging this sign^† in our kitchen:

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Then we asked for her help: “You know how when you’re feeling big emotions, it’s hard to say how you feel? Even adults have a hard time with that. So instead, we can point at this sign to share how we’re feeling. But it’s just black-and-white, so can you help by coloring it in?”

Now when her voice turns whiny, we point to the poster and say, “Your voice is sounding like you’re upset. Can you show me how you’re feeling right now?”

She’ll stop and think about it and point to how she’s feeling, and most of the time that’s enough to get her to communicate in a clearer way what she wants or needs.

This has been working so well that she even wanted to print a couple more copies and put them up in her room and the living room.

Why This Trick Works Like Magic

We’d all love for our kids to learn how to express their everyday wants and needs without whining in the first place.

But before they can do that, they need to have a clearer understanding of their emotions. This is a “no whining” sign because it’s a visual representation of the emotions your child may be feeling.

It’s easier for brains to remember information that forms a memorable pattern. For example, the images on the poster are a visual pattern.

When you pair written or spoken information with visual information, you end up with better recall.

Learning also involves the strengthening of connections between neurons. “What fires together wires together,” say neuroscientists, which is why repetition supports learning while the absence of repetition and exposure results in its decay…

Given that visual, semantic, sensory, motor, and emotional neural networks all contain their own memory systems, multichannel learning engaging each of these networks increases the likelihood of both storage and recall.

This one trick engages your child’s visual, semantic, and sensory neural networks all at once.

A Printable No Whining Sign for Your Child to Color

Your child can color in the images on this sign, and then you can hang it in your house and point to it as needed.

Just remember to keep it light and fun. If you approach it like a drill sergeant, you risk introducing fear and stress into the situation for your child. And when fear and stress are involved, learning stops.

Here’s one idea for keeping it fun: Print two copies, and sit by your child and color them together. Bye-bye, whining!

Get Your Printable No Whining Sign

1. Get the color-in poster.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Set your kids up to color the poster. Regular old crayons work fine, or you can pair the activity with a fun new art supply like watercolor pencils or 80’s Glam Sharpies.

Want More?

Check out 7 Ways to Get Your Kid to Stop Whining for more ideas on handling whining kids.

Your Turn

How do you handle whining kids? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post One Simple Tip to Handle Whining Kids (Your Kids Will Love It!) appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One year on the Friday after Thanksgiving, we said goodbye to our extended family and piled into the car for the long drive from Michigan back to Texas. But first, we made a quick stop at a local grocery store to stock up on juice boxes, diapers, and a king-size pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups. The basic road trip essentials.

Halfway between the juice aisle and the candy aisle, the grocery store did something sneaky.

They had a display set up that jutted out into the walkway, with boxes and boxes of an adorable doll and pony set.

And then our 6-year-old saw it.

Typically, one of two things will save us from a full-on temper tantrum in a store:

1. When one of our kids already has their sights on a toy, we validate their desire and then offer to add it to their wish list, which I keep in the notes app on my phone.
2. If we happen to have the foresight to prep our kids for the temptation before walking into a store, this magic trick of sticking to a list has been foolproof.

But this time was different.

This time, we were going toe-to-toe with a Black Friday deal.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of five simple ways to survive your child’s next tantrum – plus five things not to do.

Sometimes You Have to Ride Out the Storm

“Mommy,” my 6-year-old said. “Isn’t this cute?” She pointed to the doll and pony.

“It is,” I said, barely registering what I was looking at before turning my sights back to the candy aisle ahead of me.

“Can I have it?”

I knew enough to slow down. Turn around. “Toys aren’t on our list to buy today. And that’s a big toy. That would be like a Christmas or birthday present. Do you want me to add it to your wish list?”

“It’s on sale,” she said.

“It is on sale,” I said. “But 50 dollars is still a lot of money.”

“It’s not 50. It’s only 48.” Who decided it was a good idea to teach math to first graders, anyway?

“That’s close enough to 50 bucks. We’re already going to the American Girl store tonight to find a new outfit on sale for your doll. Why would we buy you a whole separate doll, just because you happened to walk by it?”

My patience was waning. We had candy to buy, we needed to get on the road, and the 18-month-old on my hip was starting to feel like a sack of sweet potatoes.

She lifted her face to look in my eyes. “But the sale is just for today.”

I sighed. “No, we’re not getting that toy today.” My tone was clipped, short. I caught myself. “But I’d be happy to add it to your wish list.”

Her chin dropped to her chest. She crossed her arms.

“C’mon, let’s go,” I said, motioning with my free arm.

She just stood there.

I called her name, and she turned away from me.

“We don’t have time for this. Let’s go. Now.”

Nothing.

My toddler slipped off my hip, and I hitched her back up.

“I’m going to turn and keep going. I would suggest you follow me.”

I started walking again, and I turned my head slightly to listen. When I heard her dragging her feet behind me, I kept going.

Then the begging started. Pouting. Tears.

She didn’t calm down until we were in the car and on the road for 45 minutes.

Related: How to Handle Temper Tantrums Like a Ninja Mom

A Third Hack for Preventing a Tantrum in a Store: Share the Control

When she was ready, we had a good talk about budgets and about how new things won’t make you happy.

My husband Ty spoke up. “How about this. We’ll give you the money we budgeted to spend for you on this trip.” He glanced over at me to see if I was digging where he was going.

I smiled.

“And,” he continued. “It’s your job to find something at the store that fits that budget. You can’t spend a single penny over what we give you.”

She was on board.

So when we got to our hotel in Chicago, we gave her $30 cash.

As I handed it over, I said, “You know, when I was a little girl your age, I never got $30 to spend all on my own.”

She beamed.

“Do you think you can handle this responsibility?” Ty asked.

She lifted her chin to hold her head a little higher and nodded.

Then we bundled up and headed out to the Magnificent Mile.

Free Cheat Sheet: 5 Things to Do During a Tantrum – and 5 Things Not to Do

Then Came the Real Test

I was nervous on the walk. Dreading another tantrum in a store.

The cold seeped under my jacket, and my arms felt like jelly after carrying a toddler on my hip for a few blocks. (Remind me never to forget my trusty Ergo carrier^† at home again.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

But before too long, we were inside the American Girl store. I set my toddler down, and she veered off toward a doll stroller.

Ty chased after her, and I turned to my 6-year-old.

“What are you looking for?” I asked.

“I’m not sure.” I followed her eyes to the Isabelle display. The doll of the year. The one they sell only for one year.

Oh dear, I thought.

Then without a word, she walked up to the sign and started reading prices.

“How much do I have again?”

“30 dollars,” I said.

“This dance outfit is on sale for $28. That’s less than $30,” she said.

“It is. Is that what you’d like to get?”

She was quiet for a few seconds. Then: “I want to keep looking.”

I followed her around the store as she read prices.

She found a set of doll pajamas for $24. “If I get this, how much would I have left over?”

“You tell me,” I said.

She held out her hands and bent down her fingers, one at a time. “Six?”

I smiled. And decided not to introduce the concept of sales tax quite yet. “Yep.”

“If I get these pajamas, maybe I can use the rest to get something small?”

“Maybe,” I said. But I was skeptical we’d find anything for $6 or less in that store.

Still, we traipsed around, checking price tag after price tag.

Finally, we found a doll purse on sale for $6.

“Ready to go pay for these?” I asked.

She tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at the purse.

“I think I’d rather save the six dollars,” she said.

“Oh!” I said. “Well, that’s a great idea.”

After we checked out, I turned to her. “What do you think? Was that fun to work with a budget?”

She smiled. “Yes.”

“What was fun about it?”

“Because I got to save some money.”

Who is this kid?

Related: A Simple Trick to Run Errands With No Whining From Your Kids

Next Stop: Life Skills

We found Ty and the toddler, who was still playing with the same doll stroller, 30 minutes later.

“How’d it go?” he asked.

“Great,” I said. “She did all the math herself. And she decided to get something a little cheaper and save the rest.”

He held out his hand for a high-five. “Nice work, kiddo.”

She high-fived back and grinned big.

“You know what would be fun?” I asked.

“What?”

“Well, when you’re a little older, we could give you the whole house budget for a week. Everything you’d need to pay the bills and buy groceries and go out for ice cream. And you can be in charge of making sure we spend it all the right way so we have enough to do everything we need to do.”

She didn’t answer.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“I don’t want to.”

Took the wind right out of my sails. “But that would help you learn how to take care of money and bills before you’re an adult.”

She shrugged.

In my exasperation, I looked up at Ty, and he was shaking his head and chuckling.

“Baby steps,” he mouthed.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

And here’s how you get it:

1. Get this free cheat sheet: 5 Things to Do During a Tantrum – and 5 Things Not to Do. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on the fridge.

Want More?

Be sure to check out this go-to parenting trick for escaping stores without tantrums or whining: My Child Always Wants to Buy Something: A Quick + Simple Fix.

Your Turn

How do you deal with a tantrum in a store? Share in a comment below!

The post When Your Child Throws a Tantrum in a Store: 3 Easy Solutions appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One day when my second child was just one year old, I got home from work and cuddled up with her on the couch to nurse.

My oldest, who was five at the time, sat down next to us.

“How was your day?” I asked.

“Good.”

The baby responded with a hefty kick, accidentally connecting with her big sister’s gut.

She hunched over.

“Ouch! Are you okay?” I asked.

She shook her head.

I put my arm around her shoulder and kissed her forehead.

“Your sister is a stinker, huh?”

We talked for a couple more minutes, then the baby kicked again. This time, she got me in the face.

My oldest laughed.

“Hey,” I smiled, nudging her with my elbow. “I didn’t laugh when you got kicked.”

She hung her head.

Sensing a meltdown coming, I tried to head it off. “Mistakes happen. Don’t let it ruin your day. I just want you to remember to treat other people how you want to be treated.”

She jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs away from me.

“Hey!” I called. “You don’t have to pout about this. Let’s talk.”

Crickets.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free cheat sheet of 16 miracle phrases that will help you reconnect with your child after a tough moment.

Learn From Mommy’s Mistakes

This used to be a common scene in our house. At least daily.

One of my kids would do something less than desirable, we tried to engage them in a conversation about it, and they pouted and ran away.

The problem is I can totally understand where they’re coming from.

Even after 45 years of making mistakes, I still don’t like being told I’ve done something “wrong.”

But one of my goals as a parent is to raise our kids to know how to deal with conflict.

I had to learn that lesson the hard way as an adult.

In my sophomore year of college, my roommate and I had an argument. I don’t even remember what we were arguing about. Probably something important like me polishing off the last of the Fruity Pebbles without replacing it.

But we both stopped talking to each other.

For months.

On move-out day, we didn’t even say goodbye.

The silent treatment? Not so effective, as it turns out.

My Eureka Moment

That night, as I nursed the baby and stewed about my oldest running away from a tough conversation again, I tried to think of another approach.

Running after her and trying to engage her in conversation never worked. Besides that, I didn’t exactly feel like getting up from the couch after a sleepless night with a teething baby and a long day at work.

Nothing came to me.

I waited for the baby to finish, and we trudged up the stairs.

My oldest was playing dolls in the living room, using the bookshelf as a dollhouse.

I walked up and rested my hand on her head. “Hey, we need to talk about what just happened.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, do you understand why I didn’t like it when you laughed?”

She stood up and started walking away.

“Why are you leaving? We’re just talking.”

She rounded the corner to the dining room. “Talking about it makes me sad.”

I threw my head back, took a deep breath, and brought my head level again. My eyes fell on a book: Playful Parenting^†.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

I read this book before I became a parent, and it made a big impression on me. (I even have a Pinterest board named after it.)

One part that came back to me in that moment is the idea of a “time-in” instead of a “time-out.”

Here’s the gist of it: When your child does or says something that you don’t like, use that as a teachable moment. Don’t banish them to their room or a corner to stew in their own stress hormones because they won’t learn anything lasting that way.

In that difficult moment, choose to connect with your kid. Confront the issue head-on.

Related: 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child {Printable}

But Would It Work?

I followed my oldest into the dining room and set my youngest down on the floor. She toddled off in the direction of the living room.

I pulled out the chair next to my big kid and sat down. She stared down at the table.

“I have an idea,” I said.

“What.” Monotone.

“How about next time you feel so sad you want to run away, you come and sit on my lap instead?”

She looked up. Definitely not what she was expecting.

“Can you do that for me?” I asked.

She nodded. Then without saying a word, she stood up and climbed into my lap.

Finally, we talked about what happened. It was a tough conversation, but she didn’t run away.

And because she didn’t run away, I didn’t get frustrated and lose my patience.

We managed to have a CALM tough conversation, for the first time ever.

I asked questions like:

• “What if a friend at school trips and falls down? Is it kind to laugh?” and
• “What if I had laughed first when she kicked me? Would it be okay for you to laugh then?” and
• “What if a friend laughs at you falling down? And the next day they fall down, is it okay to laugh at them because they laughed at you?”

When we were all talked out, we hugged.

She stood up. “Can we practice?”

“Practice what?”

“Can we pretend I’m at school and a friend trips?”

So then we did some role-playing, which resulted in smiles and laughing and the best kind of learning.

A far cry from her running off to pout and being in a bad mood all night.

Related: The Life-Changing Phrase You Must Use When Parenting Tweens

The Verdict

Since our first “time-in” 24 hours ago, my oldest has come up to me four times and said:

“I feel sad like I want to run away from the room.”

I cleared my lap (one time of a baby, another time a laptop), pulled her gangly body onto my lap, and listened.

Instead of these little hiccups sending us off course for 30 minutes or an hour (or more), we dealt with them head-on when they happened.

No tears, no lingering hard feelings. And every time ends with a hug and smiles.

Next time your kid deals with a tough situation by running away, try suggesting they come and sit with you instead. Every kid is different, so of course this won’t work with all kids.

But even if it takes a while to talk about the hard stuff, the extra connection and reminder that you love them will help the conversation go much more smoothly.

Related: Why Every Parent Should Know the Magic 5:1 Ratio – And How to Do It {Printable}

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re in the thick of a negative interaction, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right thing to say in order to reconnect with your child. Use this cheat sheet of 16 miracle phrases to help you reconnect with your child during and after those tough moments.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Tuck your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on your nightstand, in your purse, or in your top desk drawer.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Want More?

For more help through tough moments with your child, check out 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child.

Your Turn

How do you handle a pouting kid? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post The Most Powerful Way to Respond When Your Kid Gets Upset And Pouts appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I have a problem. Or to be more accurate: My whole family has a problem. Me, Ty, and even our 6-year-old.

There exists a place that when we cross the threshold, we lose all our common sense. We wear goofy, excited grins. Visions of “what if” dance behind our eyes. And we can’t keep our hands to ourselves.

This place is Target.

I’m certainly not the first to lament the phenomenon that is Target. You walk in to pick up deodorant and a bag of cat food, and you walk out with that, plus apple pie-flavored coffee, washi tape, and a case of blue mason jars. You have no idea what you’ll do with a case of blue mason jars, but A CASE! FOR TEN DOLLARS! You’d be silly to pass up that kind of a deal, really.

My particular weakness right now is all the super cute Christmas home decor—glittery reindeer and a patchwork quilt fox and this scene^† in a snow globe? YES, PLEASE. Ty’s got it bad for Dove chocolates and string lights. And my child is drawn to…everything, actually. By the end of a Target shopping trip after she’s heard “no” approximately 427 times, she’s pouting, whining, even out-and-out defiant—or on a good day, all three at once.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Something Has to Change

We tried logic first.

“If we spend all our money on stuff we don’t need, we wouldn’t be able to pay for our house or cars or electricity or food.”

She understood.

But it didn’t stop her wanting.

Our next try was a little more effective.

I created a note in Evernote called “Wish List.”

Anytime she asks for something in the store, I say: “We can’t get that today, but I can add it to your wish list.” Then I pull up the note on my phone, type the name of the item, and show her the list.

She likes this a lot. And it works most of the time.

But Here’s the Root of the Problem

She sees us succumb to temptation. Every. Single. Time.

We ask her to practice restraint and keep a running wish list, while we impulse buy.

I cannot think of a single trip to Target (or the grocery store, for that matter) where we haven’t walked out with something extra not on the original shopping list.

As giddy as our little Target treats make me, I had to admit we would all benefit from shopping with a little more intention. Even 5 dollars here and there adds up. Not to mention we were setting a bad example.

What Happens When You Parent by the Seat of Your Pants

Our last weekend with our oldest daughter, we all piled into the car for a trip to our favorite temptress.

On the list: a couple strands of Christmas lights and baby shoes—to keep the baby’s socks on her feet in the cold weather.

Ty pulled into a parking spot, and I had an idea.

I turned in my seat to face everyone. “Okay, now let’s remember before we go in. Target has a magic spell over us.”

At the word “magic,” her eyes got big.

I continued. “Every time we go in there, we see all this stuff we want. And it’s like we can’t control ourselves, we just want, want, want! We need to be strong and not let the magic spell be the boss of us.”

Ty smiled. My big kid nodded. The baby chewed on her socks.

The Real Test

Inside the store, the first section we passed was girls’ clothes. Of course. Target ain’t no dummy.

My child pointed to a purse shaped like a puppy. “Look at! That’s so cute.”

“Oh man,” I said. “Their magic spell is already getting us!”

“Yeah.” Her arm dropped. “It’s like, they have so much cute stuff, we just want it all.”

“It’s EXACTLY like that,” I agreed.

We moved on. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

A couple minutes later, she ran ahead to the kids’ movie display and picked up a DVD light on plot and heavy on princesses.

When we caught up to her, she said, “I wish I could watch this movie.”

“I know!” I said. “It’s like magic, right? We can hardly control ourselves.”

She put the movie down and kept walking with us.

Huh, I thought. Could this actually work?

We got to the baby shoes, picked out a pair that looked 100% baby-proof (spoiler: they weren’t), and headed to the Christmas area.

Oh my.

The owls. The glitter. The prepackaged Christmas cheer at a perfectly reasonable price.

I picked up a teal mercury glass owl. Swoon.

“Isn’t this adorable?” I held it up to Ty and our child.

“Aww,” she said.

To Ty, I said, “It’s only twelve bucks.”

“No, Mommy. You have to put it back.”

I laughed. “You’re right! I let the magic spell get me.”

I put the owl back and smiled at Ty. “She catches on fast.”

Then we came to a white reindeer figurine.

I pointed. “Look! That would go perfect with our glittery reindeer we picked up last year.”

“How much is it?” Ty asked.

“Fifteen.”

“Not bad,” he said.

I reached a hand out to the poor little homeless reindeer.

“Mommy, no! It’s getting you again.”

“Oh,” I said. Pulled my hand back.

I turned to Ty. “Whose idea was this, anyway?”

Did It Really Work?

She didn’t whine or pout once. We didn’t even have to whip out the wish list.

Then on our way out, we passed by the coffee aisle and remembered we were low in that department.

We spent a couple minutes standing in front of the sea of flavors and settled on one.

“But Mommy,” she said. “That wasn’t on our list.”

“I know,” I said. “But trust me, you won’t like it if we run out of coffee. We’ll be like hangry, only a million times grumpier.”

She was quiet for a few seconds. Then: “Okay, you can get coffee.”

So yeah, it worked. A little too well.

Want More?

Check out these expert tips on dealing with whining kids and this quick fix for a pouting kid.

Your Turn

How do you take your kids shopping and escape with minimal whining? Share in a comment below!

The post Warning: Read This Before You Take Your Kids Shopping appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

A while back, I heard a story that stopped me in my tracks. A mom was in a grocery store when her child started throwing a tantrum. Some guy walked up to the mom and made a rude comment. But then another person saw what happened, spoke up for the mom, and wrote about what happened.

The best part in the whole story:

“A kid going berserk at a grocery store doesn’t indicate the quality of his parents, anymore than a guy getting pneumonia after he spends six hours naked in the snow indicates the quality of his doctor. Grocery stores are designed to send children into crying fits. All of the sugary food, the bright packaging, the toys, the candy — it’s a minefield. The occasional meltdown is unavoidable, the real test is how you deal with it. This mother handled it like a pro. She was like mom-ninja; she was calm and poised, but stern and in command.“

Source

When I’ve been in the same situation as that mom, on the receiving end of toddler tantrums? The OPPOSITE of calm.

My face gets pink and hot, and I feel like everyone’s watching me while I flounder.

And now as I navigate the choppy waters of trying to keep two kids happy while I run endless errands, I need a better strategy than “leave the shopping cart where it is, exit the building as fast as possible, and NEVER GO BACK TO THAT STORE.”

I’m running out of grocery stores.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of five simple ways to survive your child’s next tantrum – plus five things not to do.

8 Ways to Achieve Ninja Mom Status During Toddler Tantrums

I’m in awe of that calm ninja mom. So I decided to do some research on how she handles her kids’ temper tantrums so well.

Here are the best tips I found. Try them out the next time your kid has a nuclear meltdown over a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and channel your own ninja badass mom.

Free Cheat Sheet: 5 Things to Do During a Tantrum – and 5 Things Not to Do

1. Stave off the Hangry

This one’s easy. Bring snacks with you everywhere you go, and be mindful of your kid’s nap time.

When kids are hungry and/or tired, they have zero tolerance for any little disappointment that crops up. And in the case of toddlers, their language skills aren’t developed enough to politely ask for a snack and a nap.

“Imagine you have listened to one audio lesson in Swahili. Overnight you find yourself in Africa. You’re hungry, tired and grumpy. You do not like the situation one bit. How do you get your point across?

‘You don’t have the language,’ said Susan Epperly, an Atlanta-based parent coach and writer on early childhood. ‘Your brain is going crazy with all this new stuff, and you have no words.'”

Mother Nature Network

Come to think of it, I’m not exactly a peach when I’m hungry and tired. And I’ve had lots of practice at functioning in society.

Solution: Stick a raisin box in junior’s hand when you get to the grocery store. And don’t push it trying to get stuff done when you know it’s past his nap time.

2. Watch and Learn

Does your kid freak out when she sees all the candy in the checkout lane? Do your attempts to get your little guy dressed before you leave in the morning end in screaming and tears?

Research shows that events leading up to a temper tantrum are critical to whether toddler tantrums actually take place.

Pay attention to the situations where your child tends to lose his cool. When you see a trend, brainstorm ways to avoid the breakdown.

• In the checkout lane at the grocery store, ask your little one to be your helper and count the grocery items as you take them out of the basket.
• If your mini-me begs you to buy every piece of candy or toy that comes in their line of sight, try this magic trick for getting out of the store tantrum-less.
• If you tend to do battle over getting dressed in the morning, try giving him a choice between two items: “It’s time to get dressed now. Do you want to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt?”
• When your kid gets wiped out from running errands, try these stress busters: plan a quick break where she can run around or do something to make her laugh.

3. Loosen the Reins

So what if your kid leaves the house wearing polka dots and plaid?

A toddler’s crazy style doesn’t lock him into a lifetime of no fashion sense. You’ll have plenty of time to teach him what matches when he’s older. And if other people judge you for letting your kid dress himself, who cares? Not a ninja mom.

If your little one eats 3 peas instead of 20 or won’t give Grandma a kiss, it may not be worth it to turn it into a fight.

Save your energy for the stuff that matters, and don’t make a big deal out of the small stuff.

4. Secure Your Oxygen Mask First

Let’s say you’ve done everything you can to ward off a tantrum, but you start to see the warning signs of impending doom.

The worst thing you can do? Lose your own cool.

“My friend Mana Heydarpour of New York City learned this lesson the hard way: When she told her strong-willed 3-year-old, Ella, that she couldn’t watch her favorite TV show, she screamed, ‘I don’t like you! I’m so disappointed with you!’ ‘It made my blood boil so much that I couldn’t help yelling back at her,’ Heydarpour says. As a result, Ella’s fit lasted for half an hour. [Michael Potegal, Ph.D., a pediatric neuropsychologist,] calls this the Anger Trap. ‘If you get just as mad and irrational as your child, it’s like throwing gas on a fire,’ he says.”

Parenting.com

If you want the storm to pass quickly, take a few seconds to brace yourself. Some ideas:

• Take several deep belly breaths. “Make your insides as calm as you would like the child’s to become,” says Becky Bailey, Ph.D., an expert in childhood education and developmental psychology.
• Repeat a mantra. Come up with a simple statement to help you keep perspective, and think it or say it quietly to yourself. Becky Bailey recommends “You can handle this.” Your mantra could be “This too shall pass.” Or maybe “I am a ninja mom.”
• Check the time. According to Potegal’s research, the average tantrum lasts about three minutes. So glance at a clock, and add 10 minutes. Remember that as long as you don’t fall into the Anger Trap, the worst part should be over by then.

5. Don’t Do These 3 Things

To keep toddler tantrums as short as possible:

1. Don’t give in. If junior is throwing a fit over a Snickers bar, don’t give him the damn Snickers bar. Sure, it may help you escape the situation this time. But giving in teaches him that all he has to do when he wants something is go berserk.
2. Don’t ignore or punish. Research shows ignoring toddler tantrums doesn’t help, nor does punishing them with time-outs. Think back to a time when you were really upset. Maybe your boyfriend had just dumped you and you had been SURE he was The One. Or that time you got a talking-to from your boss’s boss and nearly crapped your pants. You probably met your best friend and confided every tiny detail – twice – and sobbed into your wine glass. Now imagine if when your friend first got wind you were upset, she turned away and pretended not to hear you. Or worse, she got up from the table, left the room, and shut the door behind her. Would you magically snap out of your emotional upset and be happy as a clam? Your kid doesn’t work that way either.
3. Don’t reason. You can’t reason with a child in the middle of a tantrum. Her brain just won’t compute what you’re trying to say. Don’t ask questions, don’t use logic, don’t tell her “That’s not important.” The maybe-I-can-talk-some-sense-into-her approach will probably intensify the tantrum and make it last even longer.

6. Say the Magic Words

So what CAN you say?

Acknowledge your child’s feelings. This simple step can shorten the tantrum dramatically. And it makes sense, when you think about it. Going back to our example of when you’ve been most upset: Imagine your friend looks you in the eye and says, “You’re upset. You were hoping that Billy was the person you were going to marry one day.” And then she gives you a hug.

When we’re upset, we want to be heard. Labeling your emotion can help you calm down and move on. Your kid is the same way.

Here are a few examples of how to validate your kid’s emotions without giving into his demands:

• “You are so mad. You are showing me how much you wanted that candy.” (Source)
• “I’m sorry you’re (state the emotion). When you calm down, I’ll give you a hug and we can talk about what happened.” (Source)
• Use reflection. For example, if his arms are crossed: “Your arms are going like this (cross your arms). Your face looks like this (mirror his facial expression).” He will probably look at you, so take a deep breath. He might unconsciously take a deep breath with you. Then say: “You seem (state the emotion). You were wanting (state the desire).” (Source)
• “I can see you’re really upset. I wish I could help you calm down right now. Here, why don’t you draw a picture that shows me how mad you are?” Replace drawing with any activity you think will be soothing to your kid or will help them redirect their energy to something positive. (Source)
• “I love you no matter what you say, and you’re a good kid. But we need to take a break and then talk about this.” (Source)

If your child will let you, holding or hugging him can help calm him down, too. After six seconds, hugging releases happy hormones.

7. Get the Heck Outta Dodge

This is usually my first choice when toddler tantrums strike. But I discovered I’m doing it wrong.

Not only have I been skipping the empathize step more often than not, I’ve been getting us out of the situation in a hissy fit of my own – clenching my jaw, picking up my girl like she’s a sack of sweet potatoes, and storming out of the grocery store. Turns out my job is to be a role model for the calm behavior I expect from my kids. PARENTING IS HARD.

If you’re at home, I love this advice to find a way to stay nearby your upset child and keep your cool:

“…stay within eyesight and direct your own attention to another activity until your child is calm. They will need you to role model how to calm down for them, so minimize your interaction until you’re both calm. If you can, try to role model calm activities by taking deep breaths, flipping through a magazine, or tidying up, for example.”

Sara Bean, M.Ed., parent coach at Empowering Parents

8. Circle Back

When everyone is calm again, it’s tempting to sigh with relief and put the whole episode out of your mind. But if you want your child to learn how to self-regulate her emotions, it’s important to talk about what happened.

This is a pain in the behind, but after we’ve talked, we’re always glad we did. (Yes, my kids, too.)

We do this to reinforce why we said no, why her behavior was unacceptable, and most importantly – more positive ways for her to handle her emotions in the future. For example, after she threw a tantrum at the store over a new toy, we waited until she was calm to suggest a creative fix for the next time.

Her favorite part of these talks: Role-playing. We’ll pretend to get upset and stomp our feet or slam the door, then we’ll ask her, “Is that what we do when we’re upset?” She’ll smile and say, “No!” Then she tells us or shows us the more positive ways to handle feeling upset.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet on Toddler Tantrums

1. Get this free cheat sheet: 5 Things to Do During a Tantrum – and 5 Things Not to Do. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on the fridge.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

How do you channel your inner ninja when toddler tantrums strike? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums and Emotional Outbursts Like an Expert appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

My daughter is awfully mature for being just four years old. But when she wants something or feels wronged in some way, her voice veers into nasal territory.

She wants to watch another movie, she wants to wear her tutu to bed, she wants to open the garage herself, she doesn’t need to go to the bathroom, you didn’t give her the right “secret password” to get out the door in the morning when you’re already running late – and she didn’t actually tell you what the password is.

As she gets older, she’ll naturally get better at catching herself.

But in the meantime when the whining starts, I say: “I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you’re saying. Can you try saying it in a different way?”

Usually, she can right her tone on the first try, but on a tough day it takes two or three times for her to stop whining. This trick helped a lot, but it didn’t completely get her to stop whining.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 10 positive and effective ways to respond next time your child starts whining.

Confession Time

Depending on the day, I’ve displayed zero capability of patience and understanding by:

• Snapping back with: “Well, you can’t always get what you want.” (Made the whining worse.)
• Responding in a mocking whiny tone. (I felt horrible after.)
• Ignoring her and hoping she’ll stop. (Didn’t work.)

So I went in search of some new tricks to have at my disposal to get my kid to stop whining.

7 Expert Tips on How to Stop Whining (Plus a Cheat Sheet!)

Here are a few tips I culled from various parenting experts on how to stop whining from kids. For a free printable cheat sheet of these tips plus three bonus tips, scroll to the end of this post.

1. Nip it in the bud.

From webmd.com:

To avoid whining, [pediatrician Laurel Schultz, MD] advises parents not to wait until children are in distress to acknowledge them. “It’s important to respond to that first bid for attention, if you can,” she says. “If you are on the phone or in the middle of a conversation, make eye contact with your child and put a finger up, so she knows you’ll be with her in a minute. Then give your child your attention as soon as you can politely do so.”

2. Empathize before you lecture.

From parents.com:

Don’t say: “You can’t always get what you want.” Yes, it’s tempting to start humming that Rolling Stones tune, but what you really need to do is show empathy – at least before the whining becomes a full-blown tantrum. “Say, ‘It does look like a fun toy, and I bet you’d really like it. Should we add it to your birthday list or would you like to save your allowance money for it?'” says [Toni Schutta, a psychologist and parent coach in St. Paul]. “This helps kids learn to delay gratification.” Plus, this response gives them hope and empowers them, and it teaches them the importance of saving money.

Note: This quote from parents.com is from an article titled “Your Kid, Only Less Whiny” that’s no longer available on the site.

3. Show your child what to aim for.

From askdrsears.com:

Replay for your child how unpleasant [whining] sounds, being careful not to mock. Don’t do this when you are both emotional. Do it at a calm time. Whine back: “Which do you like, Mommy’s sour voice (‘I don’t wanna make supper’) or Mommy’s sweet voice (‘Gosh, I’m tired. I could use some help’)?”

4. Let them know when they got it right.

From parents.com:

“Parents always point out, ‘That’s not a nice voice’ but often don’t provide enough positive reinforcement,” says [Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Parents Do Make a Difference]. You might say, “Thanks for using your normal voice” or “My ears love that voice.”

5. Don’t ignore the whining.

From parents.com:

Put away the earplugs and take action. “Kids can whine all day, easily outlasting a parent who is trying to tune it out,” says Rene Hackney, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist in Alexandria, Virginia. “The longer you let your child complain, the more determined she’ll become to get her way.” Instead, help your child understand that her whining voice is very hard to listen to. You can say, “I can’t understand you when you whine. If you want to tell me how you feel, then I need you to use your regular voice.”

6. Be playful.

Here’s a foolproof magic trick to stop whining that’s worked for us when we’re out running errands. From cnn.com:

Debbie Granick of St. Louis uses a “whine” cup, or bowl or bucket or whatever’s at hand. “Whenever one of them starts, I say, ‘Here, go pour out your whine and bring me your regular voice.’ It gets a smile, or at least that ‘Oh, Mom’ look, and then they’ll usually change their tone.” She then thanks her child for using a “pleasant” voice. Or whisper your answer back. “You may have to whisper it several times, but your child will have to be quiet to hear you, and a lot of times he’ll mimic your tone of voice,” says Karen Shaffer, a mom of three in Highland, California.

7. Reconnect for a few minutes.

From webmd.com:

“Often whining signals it’s time to reconnect with your child.” To do that, [educator and developmental psychologist Becky Bailey, PhD] advises parents to spend some focused time together reading, cooking a meal, or doing something else the child enjoys. “A few minutes connecting with your child once or twice a day can make a huge difference for families dealing with difficult behaviors,” Bailey says.

This last tip is pure gold, which is why I created these Family Connection Cards based on the science of what actually works when you need to reconnect with your child. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out how to connect with your child so you can just focus on nurturing your bond with your child. At any point during your day, you can pick a card to get a quick and simple idea for connecting.

And in just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the whining and power struggles caused by disconnection.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

To help you remember these tips in the moment, I put together a free cheat sheet for you about how to stop whining. The cheat sheet includes all the ideas inside this post, plus three bonus tips:

1. Get the cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on the fridge or on the bathroom wall where you escape when the whining drives you crazy.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your cheat sheet:

Want More?

Still need more advice for how to stop whining? Check out these tips:

• A Simple Trick to Run Errands With No Whining From Your Kids
• Warning: Read This Before You Take Your Kids Shopping

Your Turn

What are your go-to tricks for how to stop whining from your kids? Or how about your whiny co-workers? Share your tips in a comment below!

Social media photo by Clemens v. Vogelsang.

The post Want Your Kid to Stop Whining? 7 Responses That Actually Work appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.