Right now as I watch you sleep, I lean in so close I can feel your breath against my cheek. I think about the good moments today. I think about you touching my arm and telling me a story about a slug that you found by the water. I grin to myself alone in the dark. I think about our conversations and I realize how grown up you’re becoming. How did it happen so fast?

You are perfect laying there so still; my heart swells like it might burst. Motherhood has  made me so strong and so fragile at the same time. Since the day you were born I’ve worn my heart on the outside of my body. Everyday I fight against the urge to lasso the world and make it tame for you. I wish I could keep you in a bubble.

I wish I could keep you safe here with me forever, but I will use all my strength and I will give you wings instead my love; then I will cry the day you use them.

You are growing up and sometimes I still see you as little. That’s frustrating for you I know. I don’t trust you even though it’s time. I see it, but it can’t be. It was only one second ago that you crawled in my bed in the morning with just your diaper and we’d snuggle until the sun came up. It was only one second ago that you were sitting in your carseat behind me mimicking some choice words I shouted at traffic.

It was only one second ago that I had a tiny crew and no one was taller than my waist; It was only one second ago.

Everyone warned me of how fast it goes, but it didn’t make me ready.

I am often caught up in the busyness. A mess in the kitchen, an email I haven’t written yet, and a car that looks like a hurricane of crackers and juice ravaged the upholstery. There are meals to make, mountains of laundry to do, blankets needing to be soaked from a bloody nose last night…and there is the constant inner struggle with feeling like it’s too much, I can’t catch up. 

I don’t want to miss any moments with you, but I do.

As I look at you beneath the blankets I wonder how it is possible your legs are so long and your arms so lanky. We bought you deodorant the other day and you need it more than I do. When I think about the times to come I feel excited, but so so scared. I know I’m going to close my eyes for a moment and my time with you will be coming to a close.

I can’t even handle the thought, so I don’t think.

I reach out and squeeze your hand.

I understand that book now. I understand why an old lady would sneak into her son’s room at night.

I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be. 

As long as I’m living I will remember you curled up on my chest. As long as I’m living I will cherish the moments of your chubby hand in mine. As long as I’m living…

I know you won’t understand until you have your own kids someday, and that’s okay. I didn’t understand either.

It is the greatest honor of my life to be your mom. You are truly a treasure that I’ve been entrusted with and I will never be the same. Your heart is so soft and tender, your eyes are bright and kind. You forgive me faster and love me harder than anyone I’ve ever met.

I’ve have been raised by raising you, and I am so grateful.

Please stop growing; please keep growing.

Motherhood is constant grief and constant joy. It’s so much anticipation and so much letting go.

I love you forever and for always,

Mama

*Love You Forever, by Robert N. Munsch

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Today we had many battles you and I. We had battles in the sun, battles in the sand, battles over popsicles, and a battle while I walked you screaming and kicking back to the house. You were red and fuming, I fought back tears. We’ve had thousands of battles you and I.

Today our battles were about little kid things, someday they might be about curfew or boys or doing the dishes.

No matter what, here’s what I want you to know:

We are not defined by these battles. We are not defined by the storms, we are defined by the times I hold you tight and by the I love you’s and the kisses.  We aren’t defined by hard days or hard moments, we are defined by the fact that I love you and I will never stop. We are defined by the truth that I will never ever give up on, or grow tired of you. You are mine forever and for always.

Those moments though they’re hard and unnerving, there’s no where I’d rather be.

Yes, sometimes inside I’m fuming. I wonder how it is possible we’ve done this this so many times before. I’m embarrassed, I’m tired, and I wonder if I were better at being your mom if we wouldn’t have blow ups like this.

Sometimes I simply wilt under the disapproving glances of strangers.

In my heart though? I’d do it all a million times again, my dear. I’d carry you up a hundred more flights of stairs while you’re kicking and screaming and I’d abandon a thousand more carts in Target to take you to the car.

I choose you, in all your sweaty, screaming, kicking, fuming, glory.

A lot of the time I’m stuck in now, I just want you to hold my hand to cross the street and say “okay Mama” when I say “no”. Sometimes I’m simply too tired and worn out to remember my joy, but I look at you now perched on the counter eating a slice a bread and I smile.

I like you; I like your strong will.

You aren’t the kind to be deterred by one or a million consequences. Your voice is vibrant and sometimes I believe it really can’t be swallowed. That’s okay. Someday you will channel that strength into something that matters deeply to your heart.

We have all the time in the world to figure that out.

Some people might call you hard or difficult (I do too sometimes). Some people might wonder where I find my grace every day…but they don’t see what I see. They don’t know that out of sea of well behaved children I’d choose you again and again and again.

After a tantrum I hold you. We snuggle in your bed and you ask me to sing a song. I breath deep because you smell like sunshine. You’re worth every single battle today, and every single one tomorrow.

I love you.

Mama

***

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