Whenever I don’t have a pile of laundry, I do teach them French and help them draw Rembrandt replicas with crayons. That hasn’t happened yet, but I’m projecting by the time they’re in their 30’s I’ll have reached the bottom of the basket. Pretty excited to get started.

I have gone kid-deaf. If my husband and I go anywhere together and he’s driving, I’m going to use that time to jam to tunes and pluck my eyebrows. Obviously. But, after a while I can feel his raised eyebrows boring into my soul. It really messes with a girl’s mojo. Finally the hints become far too unsubtle to ignore. “What?”

“THE KIDS.” Says husband.

“What?” I ask again.

“I’m DRIVING, can you DO SOMETHING?”

It is only then that I notice the screaming in the back seat. It has something to do with a receipt they found on the floor and who should be the proud owner of such a treasure. I try to explain that my ability to “tune-out” is a learned skill, but he doesn’t want to be my student.

There is only one reason I’m wearing a parka at school pick-up in the Spring. It wasn’t a bra day, it just wasn’t.

I have friends who don’t drink coffee. I literally cannot comprehend this lifestyle. My parenting strategy is to try not talking until I’m caffeinated.  I once was told that an apple gives you more energy than a cup of coffee. Hmmm. First of all, an apple only gives me enough energy to eat two toasted cheese bagels. Secondly, I tried it, and if apple energy makes your body feel like lead, and your mind feel like applesauce, then I had it.

Also, I’m contemplating getting a tattoo across my chest that says, “Coffee is my life.”

If I get dressed and put on makeup I’m going to go somewhere. Even if it’s the post office or the hardware store, I need witnesses. I got dressed and wore clothes today. You’re welcome. Also, next time you see a mom who is clothed and makeup-ed, take a moment to appreciate it. Maybe offer to take her picture and post it on Instagram #hottie. She meant to get out of the house at 9am and it’s 3:45. She needs the affirmation.

Kid food is the best. There is one reason I stoop to the level of chicken nuggets “for the kids”. That one reason is so I can accidentally eat fifteen of them. Why are the SO GOOD?? Okay, so I don’t buy all these things all the time (don’t judge), but let’s be real. HOW epic is macaroni and cheese? Enough said.

It is real. I have lost my mind to mom-brain. My friend forgot her name one time when she went to sign a receipt. It takes me ten minutes to remember my kids’ birth years and it involves a lot of counting. When people ask what I’ve been up to, I stare at them blankly until they’re uncomfortable. I’m not trying to hypnotize them…I’m trying to recall my week, and yeah, I got nothin’.

Socks are my nemesis. Where are they? It doesn’t matter how many I buy. And I’m long past “matching”.  Mismatched socks is like a thing in our house, but when I’m bargaining with my eight year old boy to “just see” if his four year old sister’s socks will fit…things have gotten desperate. Hi, I’d like a subscription to a 100 new pairs of socks per month. One size fits all for ages 2-30. Thank you.

Time-outs are for me. Obviously. I would think this would be a given, but you never know. Time outs are for me to sneak chocolate and watching a couple YouTube videos with adult language. Also, bonus, they come out with better attitudes and so do I.

I am that mom. When a group of kids is walking down the center of the road, it’s no longer adequate to wait until they notice me and slowly maneuver around them. This calls for a pull-over discussion about the best ways to stay alive. When there are some supervision-less children dropping the F-bomb and  twenty pound rocks off the dock near other kids heads? No problem. A mom-lecture is needed and I can deliver. It’s like a new specialty of mine.

I like my job. Dear Stranger who is so thankful to not live my life, you seem to think I got coerced into spending my time with small children. It may shock you to know that my husband doesn’t lock me in my house each day. I hang out with these little people on purpose. I might not always be a stay at home mom, but for now, I CHOSE this.

They are “busy”, but they’re also precious and hilarious. Exhausted as I may be…I’m exhausted in a pretty wonderful way.

What confession can you relate to the most?…or share one of your own!

To keep updated on new posts you can either follow me on wordpress, or like my page on Facebook, WONDEROAK Blog!

**Some of you have asked where I got the awesome T, I bought it here: jumpingjackjack  on Etsy.

Mommy must haves…

Stretchy pants and yoga wear.  For when I want to go into public, but I don’t want to wear pants. These are the kosher pajamas of upscale establishments such as Target and after school pick up. To all ya’ll judging the modesty of this choice, you’re welcome for not being naked.

Cocktail Hour. The very not fancy hour where my two year old is attached to my leg screaming and I’m attempting to make dinner.

The Espresso/Coffee. Because it makes me awake and an adult. It creates the maturity gap between me and my toddler. Although tantrums feel nice, my husband appreciates it when I use words. Also, thank you coffee for making me regular without having to eat any vegetables or fruit. Do you prevent scurvy? Just wondering.

 Thrift Store Buys and Bargain Bins. Cheap toys that buy hours of playtime (also known as productive time for me). Kinda gross, but I push past it with the help of all-purpose cleaner.

A disclaimer though. This giant $3.oo impulse buy has joined me on more than one trip to Target, as well as crept into my bed in the middle of the night, which is a cold and very plastic-y surprise. Choose wisely. Also, remind me never to buy this child a real horse.

The “Top-Knot”.  I want to give a shout out to Glamour for declaring the “Top-Knot” (a very high bun) still trendy, in 2015.  I am basically married to this hair style. It makes me feel clean and presentable without requiring things like “brushes” and “showers”. What’s not to love? It is the scrunchy of the modern mom. When I do blow dry my hair and wear it down I get lots of compliments on my new color and cut. (Strangers or other people like my husband). I understand, I also forget what I look like un-top-knotted.

The Beauty School. So there was that one time they dyed my hair black on accident and I looked like a pregnant zombie. That was exciting. Or the time that an advanced-in-age student shaved off my husband’s side burns and proclaimed him Tom Cruise’s EXACT look alike. It was debatable. BUT. This is CHEAP pampering. I have learned to limit it to things that can be undone like an up-do for my birthday party (it was a prom theme). My hair looked promish and awesome. Which got me thinking…maybe I could go there like once a week? I wonder how much they would charge to wash and brush my hair.

A Large Purse. Because you just don’t know what you might need and SO MANY things fit in there!

Okay. None of these things are helpful, except maybe the card for when I’m sad, and the crayons for one of my kids to color on the used check books. I’m not sure. The point is I CAN fit things like diapers, wipes and sippy cups in there.

Amazon Prime. This is one-click-miraculous. Note though, never have a glass of wine while indulging in internet shopping. That was an epic moment of power for me that resulted in several sequin ball gowns. One click returns would also be nice.

Kidz Bop Music. Current music without the risk of scandalizing my children. It’s nice that Bruno Mars and Meghan Trainor are more popular in my house than Elsa. Except when I went dancing for my birthday and was singing my heart out. I really thought that song went: “Fill my cup, put some water in it.” (It does not.)

Friends. Friends are my best and favorite secret. Do you know what makes my day seem more hilarious than terrible? Texting with a bunch of descriptive emojis. Things like: Some random lady just walked up to me and woke up my sleeping baby or The only place Haven would sleep last night was on top of me or Girls Night tonight?. I’m not kidding it helps.

Keep on keepin’ on Mama! You’ve got this. If you’re wondering if these things ensure my life being together, they do not. I just picked up my kids from school wearing knee-high christmas socks and a pair of classic Toms. That is what happens to me when I take more time to write and less time to dress.

If you enjoyed please share, and don’t forget to comment which hack is your own go-to, or a “hack” I didn’t mention!

To keep updated on new posts you can either follow me on wordpress, or like my page on Facebook, WONDEROAK Blog!

For more reading like this, check out 10 Reasons to Stop Judging Parents and Don’t Judge My Uterus.