One morning a while back, my toddler tackled me in a bear hug. As his pudgy arms clung to my neck, I felt my shoulders relax, and my jaw unclenched. The stress of the moment melted away, and I felt fully and deeply connected to my child.

But then I glanced at my oldest, now a teenager, sitting on the couch.

And my stomach twisted with an uncomfortable thought: When was the last time I hugged her like that? I couldn’t remember.

My mind jumped to my other kids, 8 and 6, who were upstairs playing pretend in their room. I racked my brain, trying to think back to our last hugs.

Quick squeezes and pecks on the head, but I couldn’t recall more than that.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free printable that will help you strengthen your hugging habit and make sure your child gets all the powerful benefits that great hugs can provide.

The Importance of Hugging Your Child: 6 Powerful Benefits

As a Certified Parent Educator, I’m trained on the science behind hugs and the benefits of hugging your child.

And yet, I’d gotten so caught up in the go-go-go of daily parenting life that I’d slipped into a bad habit of quick half-second hugs to say good morning or when my kids headed out for the day.

So I went back to review my notes on exactly how a habit of hugging your child for several seconds impacts them. And I uncovered both short-term and long-term benefits:

• A parent’s affection shapes a child’s happiness for life – Several studies have shown that warmth and affection expressed by a parent to their child results in life-long positive outcomes for the child. That includes higher self-esteem, better parent-child communication, and fewer psychological and behavior problems.
• A parent’s affection protects a child – Parental warmth and affection can protect a child from the harmful effects of stress, leading to better mental and physical health outcomes for the child.
• A parent’s affection increases a child’s empathy – When a child receives parental warmth and affection, they’re less likely to experience depression and anxiety as an adult, plus they demonstrate a greater capacity for empathy and compassion.
• Hugs promote bonding – Warm, affectionate contact like a hug increases oxytocin, which is a hormone in the body that promotes bonding in a relationship and facilitates feelings of trust between humans.
• Hugs reduce stress – Scientists have also found evidence that oxytocin can reduce the levels of stress hormones in the body and promote feelings of relaxation.
• Hugs boost your mood – After an increase in oxytocin, the body releases serotonin. You’ve probably heard of serotonin before because it’s known as the “happy chemical” because it boosts your mood.

To add to all that, I know that if I want nurture a loving parent-child relationship that will last into the teenage years and beyond, the time for nurturing that kind of relationship is now.

So I decided to renew my commitment to hugging my children – truly hugging them, not just quick squeezes.

My go-to solution? The Hugging Challenge.

The Science Behind Hugging Your Child

The Hugging Challenge works because it’s based on the science behind hugs and the science behind behavior change.

Before we get into the specifics of how the Hugging Challenge works, first here’s a quick recap of what research tells us about great hugs:

• How long you hold on matters – When you hold a hug for several seconds, oxytocin and serotonin start flowing. Those are the chemicals that promote bonding and reduce your stress, plus they boost your mood. Science hasn’t given us a definitive answer yet on exactly how long a hug needs to last to get those benefits, but the author of The Happiness Project discovered research indicating that six seconds is where the magic starts to happen. In other words, if you want to nurture your bond with your child, a super-short hug won’t cut it. Hold on until you start to feel relaxed.
• How often you hug matters, too – How many hugs do we need a day? Research shows that just one hug a day can improve your mood and decrease conflict in the relationship afterwards. Researcher and author Dr. Sara Gottfried says that in order to reap the full benefits of the oxytocin that hugs can stimulate, you need to give or receive eight hugs a day. Eight hugs a day of seven seconds adds up to 56 seconds. That means that in less than a minute a day, you can boost your child’s mood (and yours) plus strengthen your bond.

To add to that, world-renowned psychotherapist Virginia Satir who’s known as the “Mother of Family Therapy” was famous for saying this:

“We need 4 hugs a day for survival.

We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.

We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

Virginia Satir

The Hugging Challenge also builds on the science behind behavior change. For example, below you’ll get a visual cue to serve as a gentle, physical reminder of the goal you set to give your child great hugs. Because when you’re trying to stick to a habit, research shows that a visual cue can remind you of your intention when you’re most likely to forget it.

But here’s the best part: Giving your child several heartfelt hugs a day can be a keystone habit that will nurture your parent-child relationship in a deep way. Keystone habits are special because they kick off a chain reaction, influencing several aspects of your life at once. Translation: You can focus on just one keystone habit, and you’ll experience several positive impacts.

Here’s a quick example of how a keystone habit works:

“Take, for instance, studies from the past decade examining the impacts of exercise on daily routines. When people start habitually exercising, even as infrequently as once a week, they start changing other, unrelated patterns in their lives, often unknowingly. Typically, people who exercise start eating better and becoming more productive at work. They smoke less and show more patience with colleagues and family. They use their credit cards less frequently and say they feel less stressed…[For] many people, exercise is a keystone habit that triggers widespread change.”

Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit†

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

In my personal experience and in my work with families as a Certified Parent Educator, taking that one simple step of saying “yes” to a healthy hugging habit ends up improving your relationship with your child as a whole.

You’ll feel more connected, and you’ll likely find that you have more patience with your child. And because connection breeds cooperation, your child may start to listen more and be more cooperative.

Related: How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids {Printable}

How to Take the Hugging Challenge

Think back to the last couple times you hugged your child. Were they quick squeezes hello or goodbye? Or did you hold on long enough to feel your child relax into you?

To strengthen your hugging habit and make sure your child gets all the powerful benefits that great hugs can provide, try the Hugging Challenge for one week.

This is something I do once in a while to reconnect with the importance of hugging my child, and it works like magic. It’s easy and quick so I can fit it into my busy day, and it gently breaks a “quick squeeze” hug habit, replacing it with a whole-hearted hug habit.

Here’s how the Hugging Challenge works:

1. Promise yourself. Set a personal goal to give your child eight great hugs every day for a week.
2. Say it. Say your promise out loud or write it down to make the commitment official: “I will hug my child eight times today and every day this week.”
   • This is called an implementation intention, and hundreds of studies have shown they help you stick to your goals.
   • To get the full benefit of your implementation intention, be as specific as you can. For example, you might list specific times you plan to hug your child, like this: “I will hug my child eight times today and every day this week – once when they wake up, before every meal, anytime we say goodbye, at bedtime, and a couple more spontaneous hugs.”
3. Track it. Grab the bonus Hugging Challenge tracker at the end of this post, and use it to keep track of your hugs and mark off one box for every awesome hug you deliver.
   • This is a visual cue to help you form the habit.
   • Keep your tracker somewhere handy but visible, like in your back pocket, next to your phone, or taped to your steering wheel.
4. Hug your child. For every hug, make sure it lasts at least 6 seconds or until you start to feel relaxed.
   • If you want to recalibrate yourself during the first few hugs, you can count in your head while you hug your child, but just for fun instead of your typical second-counting phrase like One Mississippi, two Mississippi… or One one thousand, two one thousand, you can try One I love you, two I love you…
   • If you want to add a dash of fun and playfulness to your Hugging Challenge and delight your child at the same time, surprise them with a new kind of hug. Find a new hug to try in this list: 21 Sweet and Silly Hugs to Make Your Child Feel Loved.
   • Important: While hugging your child is beneficial for you both, the point is not to force hugs on anyone. Just as you probably aren’t always in the mood for a hug, your child sometimes may not want a hug either. You can ask a simple question like “Can I have a hug?” or “Hey, you got a second for a hug?” to remind your child they get to decide. Or as another option, you can use this genius solution to put your child in the driver’s seat on the kind of affection they want.

Related: 101 Heartfelt and Simple Ways to Love Your Child Every Day {Printable}

Get Your Free Printable: The Hug Tracker

Use this free Hugging Challenge tracker to strengthen your hugging habit and make sure your child gets all the powerful benefits that great hugs can provide.

1. Get the free printable. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print your Hugging Challenge tracker.
3. Keep it handy and visible, like in your back pocket, next to your phone, or taped to your steering wheel.
4. Hug your child, aiming for eight 6-second hugs a day. On your tracker, mark off one box for every awesome hug you give your child.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable hug tracker:

Your Turn

What are your thoughts on the importance of hugging your child? Share in a comment belo

The post How Hugging Your Child Shapes Their Happiness for Life appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I have zero qualms about sticking my kids in front of an iPad or a movie when I need to.

Screen time can be a lifesaver when I’m working from home, need to make an important phone call, or just want to take a shower without kids barging in to complain about the latest sibling infraction every two minutes.

But when I first started relying on screen time with my oldest several years ago, I noticed a disturbing phenomenon.

After she was done with the screens and rejoined real life, she’d turned into a zombie. A cranky zombie.

With everything from whining to full-on meltdowns, the “screen time zombie effect” was no joke. Later on, I discovered that I wasn’t alone. Depending on the child, screen time can make kids quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

But That Wasn’t the Worst Part

Even after playing “educational” apps for kids, my daughter couldn’t answer the most basic of math problems. It’s like her brain had stopped working.

As it turns out, this isn’t uncommon. Research shows that screen time can decrease a child’s score on language and cognitive tests.

Given these effects, no wonder both the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend limiting daily screen time for kids.

Here’s the Good News

All screen time is not created equal. Certain types of screen time activities can cause all those negative effects, but other types of screen time can inoculate your child against a zombie outbreak.

“The quality of what children watch on screens is more important than how much they watch.”

Susan Friedman, National Association for the Education of Young Children

For example, research shows that fast-moving animation or video leads to attention issues in children. On the other hand, educational and slower-paced screen time doesn’t have the same negative effects.

In other words, a child who plays Fortnite for an hour straight will come off screens a lot crankier than a child who watches a one-hour nature documentary.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of how much and what kind of screen time is recommended for your child’s age and developmental stage, according to health experts.

40 Screen Time Activities That Are Actually Good for Your Child

Screen time has become a necessity for many parents in today’s world, myself included. When we have work to do or households to run (or both), we can’t always oversee our kids’ every waking moment 12+ hours a day. And yet, sticking the kids on screen time several hours a day isn’t the best option either because it can interfere with our kids getting enough sleep, a healthy amount of physical activity, and the kinds of experiences they need in order to thrive.

But we can use screen time in moderation when it’s the right kind of screen time. The kind that won’t turn our kids into zombies. The kind we don’t have to feel guilty about because not only does it avoid the negative effects of screen time, our kids will actually learn something too.

Below, you’ll find a list of the best screen time activities for kids so that you can get what you need to done – no matter if that means working from home with kids or just sneaking away to raid your secret chocolate stash so that you feel recharged and ready to deal with whatever parenting life throws at you next.

But First, a Bonus Tip for You!

One of the dangers of screen time for kids is that when kids spend time on screens, that leaves less time for activities that will improve their wellbeing and increase happiness, like daily physical activity or time spent outdoors.

In our family, we came up with a simple way to make sure our kids get the essential ingredients they need everyday to protect their wellbeing: 4 quick questions to ask your child every day. It takes just a few minutes, you can do it at the dinner table, and it helps removes the burden from you when it comes to policing screen time activities.

After you take a swing through the list of screen time activities below, check out those special questions here.

Educational Screen Time

To be clear, kids learn more from face-to-face interaction than they do from screens. But when you can’t engage with your child face-to-face every waking hour of the day, the right kind of screen time can be educational. Research shows that starting at age three, kids can learn from slower-paced, thoughtful screen time activities, boosting everything from their academic performance to their social-emotional skills.

1. Watch a kid-friendly documentary. Here are a few excellent documentaries my kids have enjoyed, and they all come highly recommended by the experts at Common Sense Media:
   • The Biggest Little Farm – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Chasing Coral – available on Netflix here
   • The Elephant Queen – available on Apple TV+
   • March of the Penguins – available to rent on Amazon here
   • My Octopus Teacher – available on Netflix here
   • A Reindeer’s Journey – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Spellbound – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Walking with Dinosaurs – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Several documentaries from Disneynature have activity packets you can download as a supplement to the documentary

2. Go on a virtual safari. If your child loves animals, set them up with a few different live webcams from zoos and aquariums so they can try to find the animals and see what they’re up to. Here are a few of our favorites:
   • Beluga whales, penguins, puffins, otters, sea lions, piranhas, and alligators at the Georgia Aquarium
   • Lions, elephants, pandas, and naked mole rats at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo
   • Giraffes, gorillas, elephants, rhinos, and chimps at the Houston Zoo (you can even control the camera to zoom in and pan around)
   • Polar bears, koalas, tigers, baboons, penguins, giraffes, elephants, and more at the San Diego Zoo
   • Goats and sheep at the Folly Farm in the United Kingdom (the kids love when they have new babies on the live feed!)
   • African animals in the wild in Kenya
   • Puppies training to be service dogs
3. Try Mister Rogers. If your child hasn’t seen the show before, I recommend watching a Mister Rogers episode together the first time, or you can play LEGOs or make art together while the episode plays in the background. Then pay attention to your child. This slow-paced children’s show tends to put many kids in a sort of calm trance, and when the episode is over, they aren’t moody like they tend to be after other kinds of television. Guilt-free screen time? Check!
4. Let them pick a class. At Outschool, your child can browse the online classes available and pick what they want to learn about, from ASL to raising chickens to video game design – pretty much everything you can think of! Classes are small groups of students who meet via video chat regularly, and teachers are experts on the topic they’re teaching about. For older kids and teens, you can also check MasterClass to see if they have a class with an expert that might be a good fit. For example, they can get tennis lessons from Serena Williams or learn about songwriting from John Legend. If you don’t find a class there, another great option for older kids and teens is Skillshare.
5. Queue up a playlist. What is your kid obsessed with? Some kids are obsessed with dinosaurs, others might be obsessed with construction vehicles. One of my kids is all-in on Harry Potter, while another is obsessed with dolphins. Scientists call this an “intense interest,” and research shows that encouraging your child’s intense interest makes them better learners and makes them smarter. To support your child’s intense interest, spend a few minutes searching for educational videos on Youtube on that topic and make them a playlist of videos to watch. Kids who have an intense interest will enjoy a video playlist like this many times over, soaking up more knowledge every time through!
6. Do a science experiment. Bookmark a couple Youtube channels with kids’ science experiments so your child can browse around and find an experiment to try at home. Our favorite Youtube channels for this are The Spangler Effect and LAB 360. (By the way, we also have this book of 10-minute science experiments for kids, and my kids love it!)
7. Nurture a habitat. Set a family goal to turn your yard into a backyard wildlife habitat and get it certified by the National Wildlife Federation. Set your child loose on the NWF site to learn everything you’ll need to do, then ask them to draft a plan for how to make it happen. This is such a fun project for kids because it also gets them outside, making bird feeders and squirrel feeders, planting native plants, observing wildlife, and learning about the thriving ecosystem right in their own backyard. To keep the fun going even more, get your child a pair of kid-friendly binoculars and a bird watching guide so they can figure out which birds are showing up.
8. Watch videos with a purpose. The next time your child begs to watch videos on YouTube, forget the creepy knockoff Peppa Pig videos and load up one of these powerful videos for kids instead. I’ve been curating this special list of short, high-quality videos for kids for several years. Watching the videos on that list will teach your child how to be a kind and thoughtful friend. Your child will get proven tricks for how to handle their big, scary emotions. They’ll learn important life lessons like why we should accept others even if they’re different – and more. As just one example, here’s a short video from that list that helps kids learn how to cope with emotions:

9. Learn a second language. Research shows that learning a second language boosts your child’s memory skills, improves their ability to focus, and enhances their reading comprehension and vocabulary in their first language as well. The easiest way to get your child started learning another language is to set them up with a language learning app for kids. Our favorite apps are Drops for younger kids and Duolingo for older kids around 10 and up.
10. Find out why. Pay attention to when your child is curious about something and asks “why.” Then encourage them to come up with a hypothesis, research the answer, and make a fun slide show to share their discoveries with the whole family. You can add more structure to this educational screen time activity by setting a certain day of the week for these slide shows, like “Why Wednesdays,” with each person in the family taking turns every week sharing their own discoveries. Another fun way to make this a habit is to start a “curiosity journal” where anyone in the family can jot down anything they’re curious about, then keep it in a central, visible location like your kitchen counter or coffee table. Then when your child is bored, they can flip through the curiosity journal and find something to research.
11. Say goodbye to hunt-and-peck. Touch typing is a life skill that will serve your child well throughout their school years and beyond. Set your child up with a touch typing program like the award-winning Keyboarding Without Tears. Three of my kids have learned touch typing through this program, and I highly recommend it.
12. Go explore. Exploring the world via Google Earth is fun in its own right, but for a little more structure, you can set your child up with an educational app that’s built with Google Earth, like the Where on Google Earth Is Carmen Sandiego? game or their Flight Simulator. For more ideas, check out these projects on the Google Earth educational hub.
13. Do today’s crossword. Older kids can get a new (free!) crossword to solve every day at The Guardian, Los Angeles Times, The New York Times mini crossword, The Washington Post, and Merriam-Webster. For younger kids, the puzzle and crossword maker Lovatts regularly posts news crosswords for kids, and USA Today also has a daily easy crossword. And while this doesn’t count as educational screen time, it’s still awesome: The New York Times has a huge archive of themed crosswords for students that you can print.
14. Play a brain food app or game. When it comes to apps and games, some are better than others for staving off the screen time zombie effect. Here’s a list of the best educational apps for kids that won’t make them moody and unruly afterwards.

Creative Screen Time

Creative activities are important for your child’s development, plus engaging in creative activities has also been shown to impact health by reducing stress and anxiety, increasing positive emotions, and reducing the likelihood of depression. Below, you’ll find the best screen time activities to foster your child’s creativity.

For more creative activity ideas, check out The Best Activities for Kids At Home: Creative Fun.

1. Compose. At the Chrome Music Lab, kids can make and share their own music. Start them out with the Song Maker experiment and let them explore from there. If your child enjoys that, they can graduate to an app like GarageBand for more features.

2. Draw something. If you’re short on art supplies or you’re out and about running errands, your child can use an app like Drawing Pad to get creative. For tweens and teens, Procreate is a high-quality app that will inspire a budding digital artist.
3. Design a comic. With the Strip Designer app, kids can design their own comic strip using their own photos. This is a fun and creative way to get kids journaling about their memories and experiences like a favorite family vacation or their first day of school, which is awesome because journaling helps kids cope with emotions, especially negative emotions.
4. Make a craft. Queue up a Youtube playlist of a few fun craft projects, then share it with your child so they can decide which one they want to make and then follow the instructions in the video. For example, they could make something like friendship bracelets, a latch hook project, a cross-stitch design, and so on. Anytime they’re bored, they can revisit the playlist and pick a new project to make.
5. Design a family yearbook. Kids love flipping through photo books to relive their favorite experiences, but creating a scrapbook can be time-consuming. So hand it off to your kid! My favorite tool for creating photo books is Shutterfly. You just upload your favorite photos, use one of their templates, and you’re good to go.
6. Make a movie. Your child can play filmmaker by writing a script, designing a set, pulling together the costumes, and recording the video. For only children, they can create a one-person show, but for multiple kids the whole crew can get in on the project. If your child needs a little more structure to get started, the GoldieBlox and the Movie Machine app teaches kids how to make a stop-motion movie.
7. Write a story. At My Storybook, kids can write their own story and illustrate it using pre-drawn characters and pictures or their own drawings. When your child is done creating their story, you can even turn it into a printable book.
8. Follow a recipe. Bookmark a few foodie Youtube channels and encourage your child to browse through them and find a recipe that looks good, then follow along in the video to make it. They can try a new recipe for dinner or make a baked good as a family treat. Our favorite channel is Eats Amazing.

Bookish Screen Time

When it comes to boosting your child’s literacy skills, reading aloud is a must for every family. But if you’re already reading aloud at least 15 minutes a day, go ahead and sprinkle in a few slower-paced, thoughtful screen time activities to enrich your child’s literacy.

For more bookish activity ideas, check out The Best Activities for Kids At Home: Bookish Fun.

1. Catch up on what’s new. Some news outlets have special editions just for kids and teens to help them understand what’s going on in the world in a kid-friendly way. Our favorites are The Washington Post’s KidsPost, Time for Kids, and the PBS NewsHour Extra edition.
2. Watch video adaptations of children’s books. You can purchase these story time videos on Apple TV, or some libraries participate in Kanopy Kids so you can get free access to a whole bucketload of them. After you log into Kanopy and go to the Kanopy Kids section, look for the “Story Time” category. (Side note: You’ll also get access to lots of kid-friendly documentaries through Kanopy!)
3. Let a famous actor read aloud to your child. Through Storyline Online, you can access free videos of actors reading children’s books aloud.
4. Listen to a children’s book author. Children’s book author Kate Messner put together an amazing resource of videos with authors reading aloud, leading kids through art activities, and more. She’s done the hard work of finding all the awesomeness, so you just need to queue up a few of the videos for your child to watch.
5. Create a family newsletter or newspaper. To keep your friends and family updated on what’s new with your family, encourage your child to act like a reporter and design a newspaper-style update of everything that’s going on. They can use a word processing app or a free design tool like Canva and export as a PDF to share. Your loved ones will appreciate the adorable update, and your child will stay busy for a while pulling the whole thing together.
6. Be a critic. At Common Sense Media, you can set up an account so that your child can write reviews of their favorite TV shows, movies, books, games, and apps to help other kids decide whether to try them out.
7. Start a journal. Journaling is a powerful tool for helping kids cope with emotions because it puts you into a state of mindfulness, where your negative experiences don’t seem quite so earth-shattering. Also, the emotional release you get from journaling can lower anxiety and stress, plus help you sleep better. Our favorite journaling app is Day One because you can set your device to give you a reminder once a day, and it will give you a prompt if you’re not sure what to write about. (If you prefer a paper journal, check out our list of the best journals for kids and pick up one for your child: 10 Best Journals for Kids That Will Boost Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence.)

Social Screen Time

Social screen time activities can be a fun way for your child to stay connected to the people they care about, and that connectedness is a protective factor for a child’s health and wellbeing. Plus, some research shows young kids learn important social skills from the back-and-forth of social interaction on screen time.

1. FaceTime or Skype a relative or friend. For example, if your child’s grandparents are retired, set your child up so they can make a video call and chat. The grandparents will be happy, and your child will be entertained. Face-to-face video calls can have positive effects on kids, so the AAP says they’re appropriate even for toddlers!
2. Play a game. Use a virtual meeting tool like Zoom to set up a get-together with your friends or family, then play a game like Charades or Pictionary (using the whiteboard feature in Zoom). You don’t even need the physical game to play because the person who’s acting out or drawing just has to come up with an idea of what to act out or draw. As another option, you can visit PlayingCards.io to play a card game with your friends in your browser and use Zoom to chat while you play.
3. Make a date. Set up a regular weekly date for your child to meet up with their group of friends (or all their cousins!) in a virtual meeting tool like Zoom. They can play games (see the previous bullet) or just get together to chat. If they struggle to think of things to talk about, you can get this set of the Best Conversation Starters for Kids and have them pick a random question to keep the conversation going. Not only do these conversation starters teach your child the art of a good conversation, but they’ll deepen their connection with their friends by chatting about meaningful (and fun!) topics.

4. Take texting to the next level. Use the Marco Polo app to set up a private group chat for your child and their friends or for family members. This app is like if you combined a group text thread, video chat, and a private social media network just for you and your real-life family and friends. It’s safe for kids and an awesome way to stay connected!
5. Host a movie night. If you have a Netflix, Disney, Hulu, or HBO subscription, install the Chrome extension Teleparty so your child and their friends can watch a movie together. Teleparty synchronizes the video playback and adds a group chat so kids can talk during the movie. Only people who have an invitation from you can join the party, so you don’t have to worry about strangers getting in. If you don’t have one of those streaming services, Airtime is similar. Don’t forget to pop some popcorn to make your movie night official!
6. Sit together. Research shows that when you join your child in their screen time activities and chat about what you’re watching together – known as “co-viewing” – you increase your child’s literacy skills, boost empathy, and even mitigate the negative effects of certain kinds of screen time like violent scenes in movies and TV. You don’t have to co-view every bit of screen time, but if you can pick something once every couple days or so, your child will reap the benefits. To help your child get the most out of the experience, try pointing out interesting details, commenting on similarities between what you’re watching and something in your child’s own life, and pausing the show after a complicated or potentially confusing scene to talk about what just happened.

Active Screen Time

Physical activity is important not just for a child’s physical health but also for their mental health. Screen time activities can be a useful way to keep your child physically active, especially when the weather isn’t the greatest like on rainy days or when you hit triple-digit temperatures.

For more physical activity ideas, check out The Best Activities for Kids At Home: Outdoor Fun.

1. Do yoga. For kids ages 3 to 6, we enjoyed this yoga video for kids. For kids ages 7 to 12, this yoga video is a great fit. Then for older kids, we love Jillian Michaels’s Yoga Meltdown. As another option, you can try the Cosmic Kids Yoga Youtube channel.
2. Make it a game. Consider getting a video game console that supports exercise games, like the Playstation Move or Nintendo Wii Fit. Depending on the console you choose, your child can play single- and multi-player games like table tennis, dancing, skateboarding, basketball, kickboxing, and more.
3. Go on a scavenger hunt. The Pokemon Go app combines screen time with a scavenger hunt in a fun game for kids. Playing Pokemon Go will get your child walking around the neighborhood, chasing and catching their favorite Pokemon. Just be sure to review the safety guidelines from the game maker with your child on a regular basis.
4. Make a dance playlist. Look for music videos on Youtube of your child’s favorite upbeat songs, then make them a dance party playlist. You’ll want to screen the videos first just to make sure they’re kid-friendly, but after you make the playlist your child can go straight to that. To make it extra fun, play the playlist on your TV using Chromecast or mirroring your screen with Apple TV. If you need a starting point for songs, check out this playlist of kids’ dance songs that you’ll actually enjoy too. As just one example from that playlist, here’s one great song that will get your kiddo moving:

5. Try geocaching. With geocaching, you use a smartphone to find “treasures” hidden in the real world by other geocachers. At the geocaching site or using the app, you look up the coordinates of the hidden caches near you, then set out to find them. When you find a cache, you update the log book (bring a pen!) of everyone who’s visited that cache so far, then if you want you can swap a trinket in the cache for a trinket you brought. For example, you might find coins, toy cards, art supplies like markers or pens, key chains, small books, and so on. The possibilities are endless! Kids get excited when they find a cache, then the next excitement is to discover what’s inside the cache, and the fun keeps going when they get to decide whether they want to swap out a trinket for one they brought instead.

Frequently Asked Questions About Screen Time Activities

Below, you’ll find answers to the most common questions when it comes to minimizing the negative effects of screen time for your child:

• What’s the right amount of screen time for my child’s age?
• What are the negative effects of too much screen time?
• What if my child wants to play a fast-moving app or game that does cause all those negative effects?
• What healthy screen time rules do the experts recommend for families?

What’s the right amount of screen time for my child’s age?

For the most up-to-date guidance from health experts on how much screen time is appropriate for your child’s developmental stage, check out the guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization.

Here’s a quick chart to show the latest recommendations for each age group, as of 2021. As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free printable version of this chart, which includes extra space at the bottom for jotting down any extra agreements your family makes about healthy media use.

What are the negative effects of too much screen time?

Depending on the child, screen time can make kids quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

With that said, all screen time activities are not created equal. Certain types of screen time can cause all those negative effects, but other types can be neutral. For example, research shows that fast-moving animation or video can lead to attention issues in children. On the other hand, educational and slower-paced screen time typically doesn’t have the same negative effects.

In other words, a child who plays Fortnite for an hour will likely come off screen time crankier than a child who watches a one-hour documentary.

What if my child wants to play a fast-moving app or game that does cause all those negative effects?

One strategy that can work well is to talk to your child first and work together to come up with a reasonable amount of time to play so that you minimize the negative effects. Then set a timer or an app time limit. For example, on iOS devices, you can use the Screen Time settings to configure a time limit for specific apps.

What healthy screen time rules do the experts recommend for families?

It seems like every time I turn around, a new article comes out with more screen time rules families should be following. To give myself grace as a parent, I prefer to think of this instead as screen time “guardrails” for my family. In other words, what are the basic guidelines that will keep us from getting off track?

Below, you’ll find a few research-backed recommendations from experts that have worked for my family. (Note: For the source where you can find out more about each of these healthy screen time guidelines, click the »» character after the list item.)

• Talk to your child about pros and cons of screen time, and work together to come up with boundaries around their screen time activities (and yours!). According to psychologist and author Jon Lasser, PhD, “It’s important for kids to develop the capacity to self­-regulate, and parents who try to micromanage screen time may inadvertently interfere with that self-­regulatory development.” If you’d like ideas for this, check out the Media Use Plan wizard from the American Academy of Pediatrics. »»
• Make time in your schedule to co-view media with your child. Research shows that when you join your child in screen time activities and chat about what you’re watching together – known as “co-viewing” – you increase your child’s literacy skills, boost empathy, and mitigate the negative effects of certain kinds of screen time like violent scenes in movies and TV. You certainly don’t have to watch every bit of screen time with your child, but if you can pick something once every couple days or so, your child will reap the benefits. While you watch together, try pointing out interesting details, mentioning similarities between what you’re watching and something in your child’s own life, and pausing the show after a complicated or potentially confusing scene so you can talk about what just happened. »»
• Balance screen time activities with other activities. When kids spend time on screens, that leaves less time for activities that actually improve their wellbeing and increase happiness, like daily physical activity or time spent outdoors. In our family, we came up with a simple way to make sure our kids get the essential ingredients they need everyday to protect their wellbeing: 4 questions to ask your child every day. It takes just a few minutes, you can do it at the dinner table, and it helps removes the burden from you when it comes to policing screen time. »»
• Make a pledge to put your devices down at certain times. Research shows that when kids and parents are engaged in conversation, half of all kids and three-quarters of parents feel the other is distracted by a device. For example, you might come up with a family pledge to put devices away during mealtimes. You can also come up with a code word that you and your child can use when you feel like the other person isn’t paying attention to you, and you’d like them to put down their device. That may sound silly, but having a goofy code word like “bananarama” for shorthand removes the awkwardness of calling someone out for not giving you their full attention! »»
• Set a screen time cutoff before bedtime and put devices to “sleep” in a neutral location. Screen time can be particularly disruptive to a child’s bedtime and lead to them not getting a healthy amount of sleep to support their development. To avoid this, come up with a cutoff time for all screen use, such as an hour before bedtime. To avoid the temptation for your child to stay up late texting friends or playing games, establish a spot in your home outside your child’s bedroom (and yours!) where everyone’s devices charge overnight. »»

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

Grab the cheat sheet shown above as a reminder of the latest guidance from health experts on how much screen time is appropriate for your child’s age, as of 2021.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Brainstorm a media use plan for your family. Talk to your child about the pros and cons of screen time, and work together to brainstorm healthy boundaries around screen time activities for everyone in the family. If you come up with any additional guidelines for your family, jot them down in the extra space at the bottom of the printable.
4. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge where everyone can see it.

Your Turn

What are your favorite screen time activities for kids? Share in a comment below!

The post When You Can’t Avoid Screen Time: 40 Activities That Are Actually Good for Kids appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Some days, it feels like I spend every waking second with my kids.

From the time they wake up in the morning until we put them to bed, we’re together. Whether they’re screeching like pterodactyls while I’m on an important phone call, seeking me out for every little sibling-inflicted injustice, or asking for food every 13 minutes, the constant barrage is well, constant.

Meanwhile, I have my own list of stuff I need to get done. Dishes, laundry, making meals (which means more dishes). Work, conference calls, email. Bills, budgeting, birthday planning. Rinse and repeat, all day every day.

And this isn’t unique to me. Research shows that in today’s world, we parents are spending more time than ever with our kids:

“The amount of time mothers and fathers spend in child care has been climbing since the 1970s. Fathers’ time has nearly tripled from 2.6 hours a week spent with kids in 1965 to 7.2 in 2010. Mothers’ time with children rose from 10.5 hours a week in 1965 to 13.7 in 2010.”

The Washington Post

We’re spending tons more time with our kids, but it’s not like our responsibilities as parents are decreasing to balance that out. If anything, our plates are fuller than they’ve ever been.

And so when one of my kids comes up to me and asks me to play pretend or read them a book or join a quick card game, my knee-jerk reaction is typically some variation of this: “Sorry honey, I don’t have time.”

But Here’s the Problem

With a finite number of hours in the day and an overflowing to-do list, I’m forever trying to get the maximum number of things knocked off my list in the limited time I have.

While I’m doing the dishes, I’m thinking through whether we have enough clean laundry to last another day. While I’m eating lunch, I’m making a list of phone calls to make after I’m done. While I’m sorting through the clutter that’s accumulated on my kitchen counter and multiplied like Gremlins, I’m making a mental grocery list.

So when one of my kids interrupted that go-go-go inertia and asked me to spend a few minutes of quality time with them, I felt absolutely justified in saying no. We spend so much time together already. Isn’t that enough?

But the truth is that in those moments, I’ve been missing the bigger picture.

While it’s true that my kids and I are together a lot, the time we’re spending together isn’t exactly…quality time. I’m always doing something else from the never-ending list in my head. Which means I’m paying only partial attention to the kids when they need something or try to connect with me.

So all that time we’re spending together isn’t giving my children the one thing they need most of all: connection.

Quick win: Get these Family Connection Cards so you can stop feeling guilty about spending quality time with your child and nurture the kind of close relationship that will stand the test of time – in just 10 minutes a day.

What Happens When Kids Don’t Get Enough Quality Time?

Unfortunately, when kids are feeling disconnected from their parents, that will result in more power struggles and less cooperation when you ask them to do something. Connection breeds cooperation, and disconnection breeds discord.

In other words, when I say no, sorry, not right now, that disconnection can lead to more sibling squabbles, grumbling when I ask for help to fold the laundry, conveniently “not hearing me” when I ask them to pick up their toys, and more.

And yet, as parents we’ve got real, grown-up, honest-to-goodness responsibilities. It’s not like we can just sit around playing LEGOs all day.

Here’s the good news: Not too long ago, I had an epiphany that changed everything for me as a parent. And because of that, I uncovered a simple 10-minute solution to this problem so many parents struggle with. You can skip ahead to the solution here, or you can keep reading the next section to find out the epiphany that led me there.

Skip Ahead: Want to Spend Quality Time With Kids? This Is a Must

The Simple Analogy That Made All the Difference

One day a while back when I was washing dishes, my 6-year-old walked up and asked me to play a game with her.

We were literally all out of clean bowls and spoons, so I gave a variation of my standard reply: “I would love to, but I need to get this done. Maybe later.”

She hung her head and shuffled off, dragging her feet.

I sighed. Don’t they realize I’d love to just stop and play? Don’t they know how busy I am? Don’t they appreciate me?!

While I scrubbed dried oatmeal off bowls, I kept wallowing in the hurt.

Then I picked up the crockpot. And as I poured elbow grease into scraping off the previous night’s caked-on curry sauce, an off-the-wall thought hit me: Kids are not crockpots.

With a crockpot, you can spend a few minutes mindlessly throwing ingredients together, hit a button, and your dinner will happily simmer all day. No attention required. When you’re ready for dinner, it’s there, ready to meet your needs and fulfill your wishes.

In a way, that was exactly how I was treating my kids. I expected that I could give them a big bear hug in the morning, then let them simmer in the background all day with no quality one-on-one attention from me.

And when I wanted something from them – for them to brush their teeth without me nagging them 72 times, for them to put their laundry away before the cats knocked over the neat piles and it had to be folded all over again, for them to put away one board game before getting out the next – I expected them to be ready to meet my needs and fulfill my wishes.

Spending Time With Kids Is NOT About Quantity

Even though my crockpot “aha” moment that day was a bizarre analogy, it did help my hurt feelings dissipate. And it made me realize that when it comes to spending time with kids, it’s about quality not quantity. As I later learned, research shows that the quality of time you spend with your child is way more important than the quantity of time you spend.

That day, I decided to test my odd little crockpot theory. I turned off the water, dried my pruney hands, and sought out my 6-year-old.

When I found her at the kids’ art table, she was drawing in a sketch book, the tip of her tongue sticking out one side of her mouth.

“Hey,” I said. “I have a question for you.” She looked up. “I’m going to give you two options, and you tell me which one you pick.”

She tilted her head a little to one side. “Okay.”

“Here’s the first option: Your life is exactly as it is right now. I’m here with you all the time getting stuff done around the house and getting my work done. Because I’m so busy, I don’t have time to play with you. I give you a hug in the morning and I’m there all the time, but we don’t have time to stop and read together or play, just you and me.”

She just stared back, so I continued.

“And here’s the second option: During the day, you and I would see each other three times a day, for 10 or 15 minutes at a time. That’s about enough time to play a game of UNO. And when we saw each other, I wouldn’t be doing anything else except just being with you. We could do whatever you wanted – read a book, play a game, draw together, play pretend. But it would just be for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, three times a day. And then the next time you would see me would be at the dinner table with the whole family. Then we would all spend the evening together as a family like normal until bedtime.”

I paused and opened my mouth to ask which she’d pick, when she beat me to the punch. “The second one,” she said.

“Are you sure?” I raised my eyebrows. “You wouldn’t get to see me most of the day. Just those three times.”

She nodded and grinned. “The second one sounds really fun. We could play so much!”

I stood there, this phrase like a gong in my head: Quality time, not quantity.

“So?” she said. “Can we do that today?”

I laughed. “Sure.”

I sat down next to her and pulled out another sketch book, and we sat and drew together and chatted for 10 minutes. We talked about what we were drawing, how she wants to be an artist when she grows up, and how my “cat” turned out looking more like a hairy foot.

Get Your Copy: The 10-Minute Solution to Spending Quality Time With Your Child

The Important Thing to Remember About Quality Time With Kids

The rest of that day, my daughter surprised me a couple times. After lunch, she cleaned up everyone’s dishes and loaded the dishwasher – without being asked. At another point, she walked up to me, and I thought she was going to ask me for something. But she just gave me a quick hug then ran off to play.

Above all, I noticed that afternoon, she shined a little brighter. Like I’d filled her tank of unconditional love.

And all it took was 10 minutes of stopping and being in the moment with her. She showed me that just 10 minutes of quality time with kids can pay much bigger dividends to your parent-child relationship and to your family as a whole.

But What About Those Moments When You Really Are Busy?

Having a sleep-deprivation-induced epiphany about crockpots and kids is one thing. Shifting your behavior in light of that epiphany is a whole other beast.

I knew I’d need to change something so that I wouldn’t fall back into that same harried mentality that made me say “no not right now” or “I’m too busy” or “sorry maybe later.”

My question to my daughter about what she’d prefer was enlightening. But I couldn’t actually skedaddle away from my family all day long and just pop back in two or three times a day. At least not until I get my dream “she shed.”

But I knew that adding “quality time with my kids” to my never-ending to-do list would just be One More Thing to add to my overwhelm and stress.

To make the most of this epiphany, any change to my daily routine would need to be simple. I’d need to make it automatic, not another task on my list. And it would need to be fun. If at any point, my kids or I felt like it was a chore, that important quality time would turn sour fast.

Want to Spend Quality Time With Kids? This Is a Must

How many times have you set a goal – to exercise more, or to eat healthier, or to stop watching silly reality TV on Netflix so you can get to bed at a decent hour – only to revert back to the status quo after a few days or a couple weeks?

This is where habits will save you. They work because they put your brain on autopilot so you don’t even have to muster up the willpower to do something. You just go through your normal routine, and it happens.

Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, and guzzling that first cup of coffee in the morning are all examples of things you might do on autopilot.

That day, I flipped open my book Happy You, Happy Family to the chapter titled Build the Right Habits to figure out what would work best.

And I found the solution to putting “quality time with kids” on autopilot: a visual cue.

Let Me Explain

Visual cues are a powerful science-backed tool that will remind you of a habit when you’re most likely to forget it.

For example, suppose you wanted to start flossing more regularly. You could put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror to remind you to floss every night before brushing your teeth. Or if you were trying to start a morning exercise habit, you could set your workout clothes on your nightstand the night before.

But spending quality time with your child is a unique situation. Because not only do you need to put it on autopilot in the first place, you also need to know what to do during that quality time.

I could have put a sticky note on my bathroom mirror that said “spend 10 minutes of quality time with kids,” but then the next barrier would be to figure out what to do during those 10 minutes. And yet to keep the quality time fun and not a chore, I’d need fresh ideas every day to keep things interesting for my kids – and for me.

My tired, overwhelmed brain had never proven to be all that great at coming up with fun new ideas on the fly for spending time with kids.

How to Spend Quality Time With Your Child: The 10-Minute Fix

I knew I needed a visual cue to make quality time with my kids into a habit. So one day I sat down and sketched out something called Family Connection Cards.

On each card, I wrote a different quick and simple way to connect with my kids so that when it came time to spend quality time with my kids, I could hit the ground running. I wouldn’t have to think up fresh ideas and figure out the details in the moment because my past self had already done it for me. For each card, I also added a time estimate and the age range of kids it works best with – because we have an almost-teen all the way down to a toddler.

The cards worked so well that I mentioned them to a few friends and family members, and they started asking for a set of the cards too. So I ended up making a pretty version you can print and even laminate if you want. Here’s where you can get your own set of Family Connection Cards.

You can keep the cards anywhere in your home as a visual cue – on your kitchen counter, your nightstand, or next to your phone charger – and pick a card any time you notice your child is acting moody or not listening to you.

But another fun way to use them is The Easter Egg Method.

How to Set It And Forget It: The Easter Egg Method

Here’s how it works:

1. Get your Family Connection Cards. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out the details of spending time with kids. At any point during your day, you can pick a card to get a quick and simple idea for spending time with your child.
2. Print your deck. After you get your set of Family Connection Cards here, then print them yourself at home or at an office services store like Staples or Office Depot. You can print them on any paper, but card stock works especially well. Or if you want to save yourself the step of cutting the sheets into 3 pieces, you can print on this ready-made Avery index card template and just pop the perforated cards out when you’re done. Some parents like to laminate their cards, so that’s another option too.
3. Find a container. This doesn’t need to be fancy or anything – you just need a way to keep the deck of Family Connection Cards all in one spot. Here are a few things that have worked for other parents:
   • Keep the cards together with a binder clip
   • Put the cards inside an empty bowl or mason jar
   • Hole punch the corner of the cards and stick them on a book ring like this or on a keyring
4. Hide the deck. This is where the magic happens! Take the deck and whatever container it’s in, and put it in a place where you’re likely to stumble upon it in a typical day. Think of it as setting up a little Easter egg hunt for yourself, but make it relatively easy to find. Here are a few places you might hide your deck:
   • On your nightstand
   • Next to your toothbrush
   • Next to the TV remote
   • In your underwear drawer
   • On the kitchen counter (as long as it’s not 100% covered in clutter like my kitchen counter because then the deck could get lost!)
   • Next to the coffee pot or inside tomorrow’s coffee cup
   • Next to your phone charger
   • In the pantry or fridge next to something you eat every day
   • Next to your comb or hairbrush
   • On top of the washing machine or dryer
   • Next to wherever you keep your computer or tablet
   • In the silverware drawer
   • If you wear glasses or contacts: Next to where you keep them
   • If you exercise regularly: Inside your sneakers or wherever you typically do your workout
5. Forget about it. After you hide the deck, forget about it and then when you stumble upon it naturally, continue to the next step.
6. Pick and connect. When you come across the deck again, that’s your reminder to take a few minutes to spend quality time with your child. Flip through the deck until you find an idea that’s the right fit for your current state of mind and the amount of time you can spare (you’ll even find ideas for when all you have is ONE minute!). Find your child and use that idea to connect with them.
7. Hide it again. After you’re done with that session of quality time with your child, hide the deck again. Pick a different place from the list in step 4 above, or get creative and come up with another place you’re likely to stumble upon. Even if all you do is put it back in the same place, you’ll still be carving out quality time with your child once a day.
8. Repeat steps 5-7. Every time you find the deck and connect with your child, hide it again for the next time.

And that’s it! You’ll fill your child’s connection tank without adding to your to-do list. The Easter Egg Method puts spending time with kids on autopilot so you don’t have to figure out the “when” and the “what” of spending time with your child.

Some days, you might have just one session of quality time with your child, and that’s okay. Other days, you might up with a handful of sessions, and that’s great too. The point is not to be “perfect.” The point of The Easter Egg Method is to remove the common roadblocks standing in the way of you spending quality time with your child.

Because regularly filling your child’s connection tank in this way is like an investment that pays dividends for the rest of that day – and to the strength of your parent-child relationship for years to come.

Bonus: 5 More Ways to Use Your Family Connection Cards

Every time you pick a Family Connection Card to do with your child, you show your child they’re important and loved, and you nurture a healthy relationship that will stand the test of time.

If The Easter Egg Method doesn’t feel like the right fit for you, here are a few bonus tips for how to use your cards:

• Set an alarm. Set a recurring alarm on your phone for one or two times a day when you tend to be less busy. Then when the alarm goes off, pick a Family Connection Card and spend a few minutes of quality time with your child.
• Bundle it. Use a habit hack called temptation bundling. First, figure out something you love to do that you could bundle with this new habit of using your Family Connection Cards. For example, suppose you love to read, and you look forward to getting the kids into the bath every night so you can sneak in a few minutes of reading. To bundle that temptation with your new habit, you would allow yourself to read for pleasure only after you’ve picked a Family Connection Card to do with your child that day. You could even pick a different card every night to use as a bookmark as a visual reminder.
• Keep or share. Keep the cards to yourself for your own personal inspiration – or share them with your whole family and encourage your child to pick a card when they want to connect with you.
• Repair with five. Science shows that in happy relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. This is called the Magic 5:1 Ratio. After a negative interaction with your child, grab a card and reconnect with a positive moment or two so you can close the distance between you.
• Banish a bad mood. When your child is acting moody, not listening to you, or acting out, that’s the perfect time to pick a card and connect one-on-one. Remember: Connection breeds cooperation. And when you feel grumpy, annoyed, or irritated, grabbing a card can work wonders for you, too! Sometimes that’s all you need to banish a bad mood.

Frequently Asked Questions About Spending Time With Kids

Below, you’ll find answers to the most common questions about how to spend quality time with your child. If you have a question about spending time with kids that’s not answered here, please leave a comment at the end of this post with your question, and I’ll do my best to get back to you!

What if I pick a card that I can’t do in that moment?

If you can’t spare the time shown on that card, you can always pick another card that has a lower time commitment. A handful of the Family Connection Cards take just one minute, and more than 20 cards take just 5 minutes. (For reference, only 15 of the cards land in the 15- to 30-minute range.)

But if you’re using The Easter Egg Method and in that moment when you find the deck you realize you just cannot spare one to five minutes, you can always hide it again to find a little later on.

I have more than one child. How do you spend individual time with each child?

I have four kids, so this is my reality! That’s why I designed the Family Connection Cards so that most of the cards work well with more than one child at a time. But if you prefer to connect one-on-one, you can set up one child with an independent activity while you connect with another child, then take turns. For a list of special activities that will keep your child actively engaged, check out our epic list: The Best 50 Activities for Kids At Home That Will Keep Your Child Busy + Happy.

What if I try to connect with my child, but they don’t seem to enjoy what we’re doing?

Every child is different, and some kids will enjoy certain Family Connection Cards more than others. If you discover your child doesn’t enjoy one of the activities, just take that card out of the pack and set it aside.

With that said, if you pick a card and it doesn’t feel like the best fit for you, try it once with an open mind. You might be surprised! If it turns out that card still isn’t a good fit for you and your child, take that card out of the pack.

How much quality time should a parent spend with their child every day?

At the time I’m writing this, research hasn’t yet shown whether there’s a “sweet spot” for the right amount of quality time with kids.

So rather than aiming for a certain amount of time, you might ask yourself: Do I feel connected to my child today? If the answer is no, connect for a few minutes. On the flip side, if you notice your child is acting moody, not listening to you, or acting out, a quick dose of quality connection time can usually help turn that bad mood around.

“Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day at school today; can I talk to you about it?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?'”

Lawrence Cohen, Playful Parenting

I’m so busy already. I can’t afford to spend even MORE time with my child!

I can definitely relate! The goal isn’t to spend more time with your child. Remember that research shows parents today are actually spending more time than ever with our children.

Instead, the goal is to shift a handful of short bursts of time you’re already spending with your child into high-quality connection. Quality matters, not quantity.

What if I’m available for quality time with my child, but they’re busy right then?

If your child is engaged in and focused on another activity, you’ll have to decide whether it’s worth it to interrupt them. Some of my kids hate being interrupted, which I completely understand because I hate being interrupted myself!

In my family, I consider it a win when my kids are actively absorbed in something that’s keeping them busy, and I leave them to it. And so if I stumble upon the Family Connection Cards in one of those moments, I “hide” the deck on the dining room table. That way as I’m getting our next meal ready, I’ll find it and remember to spend a couple minutes connecting with them before or during that meal.

What are the benefits of spending time with your child?

Research shows that spending quality time with kids has several benefits. Here are just a few:

• A happy, connected family. Regular high-quality interactions between parent and child increase your child’s wellbeing and strengthen your emotional bond.
• Fewer behavior issues. Research suggests that the quality time you spend with your child can be an antidote to impulsiveness, aggression, and uncontrolled emotion in your child. Also, research shows that when parents spend quality time with their teenagers, their teens are less likely to skip school or break the law.
• Better academic outcomes. When you spend quality time with your child while they’re young, that tends to result in your child experiencing better academic results and healthier relationships as adults.
• Less stress. When a parent and child play together, that regulates the body’s stress response. Also, studies have shown that leisure time helps you cope with stress and protects you from the negative health impacts of stress, so quality time together can help both you and your child deal with stress.

Your Turn

What’s your favorite way to spend quality time with kids? Share in a comment below!

The post The Best 10-Minute Fix to Spending Quality Time With Kids appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One hour into a full day at home with your kids, and they’re bouncing around the house like Tigger, scattering toys across the floor of every room in the house, and interrupting you every 7.2 minutes to ask for a snack.

If you work from home, need to catch up on household chores, or just need a break from being “on” for your kids all the time, 12 hours a day can feel like a lot of hours to figure out how to keep kids busy and entertained.

And so understandably, you find yourself always on the lookout for activities for kids at home. Fun activities that might even be a little educational to boot. And maybe, just maybe, one day you’ll find the perfect list of activities that will keep your child from wasting the day away on video games – or on watching videos of other kids playing video games.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable of the best 50 activities for kids at home that will actually keep your child busy and happy.

3 Essential Ingredients You Need to Keep Your Child Busy + Engaged

This list of activities for kids is different than some others you might find. Because this isn’t about having 20 gabazillion activities listed in one place. This isn’t about buying a bunch of special supplies or materials your child will use once and never touch again. And this isn’t about the activities that make the prettiest pictures so they earn likes on Instagram.

This list of activities for kids at home is about what works.

In other words, the activities listed later in this post will actually keep kids engaged so that your child doesn’t lose interest after a few minutes and announce, “I’m borrrrrred.”

First, here’s a quick run-down of three essential ingredients when it comes to activities that keep your child busy and engaged. The activities in this post take care of the first two factors for you, and you’ll find a bonus section at the end of this post to help you with the last factor.

1. Independent – Can a child engage in this activity independently, or does it require a parent to supervise or participate? Sometimes it’s fine for an activity to require parental involvement, but other times you might need activities your kids can do independently so you can get something important done yourself. And so this post focuses on activities your child can do independently.
2. Engaging – Will this activity captivate a child’s attention, or will they get bored and lose interest quickly? Many child development experts divide toys and activities into two categories: open-ended and single-action (or closed). An open-ended activity might be to set up a basket of various art supplies and materials for your child to explore, whereas a single-action activity would be to print one coloring page for your child. Your child can explore the art basket and be creative in how they choose to engage with the materials, but with the coloring page, your child has only one way to engage with it: color the picture already drawn for them. The toys and activities that deliver the highest quality play for kids – meaning they show sustained interest and are active and absorbed in the play – tend to be open-ended. There’s nothing wrong with single-action toys and activities, but on the whole, they’re nowhere near as effective at keeping kids engaged. On the other hand, open-ended activities are more likely to spark your child’s creativity, captivate their attention, and actually nurture your child’s skills like problem-solving. Which is why this post focuses on open-ended activities.
3. Hidden causes of boredom – If your child gets bored easily and can’t seem to stay engaged in any activity for very long, a handful of underlying factors might be interfering with your child’s ability to get “lost” in an activity and stay engaged. But the good news is you can do a quick check of these factors and eliminate any roadblocks to your child’s ability to play independently. If your child struggles with this, check out the 4 Hidden Reasons Why Your Kid Gets Bored Easily section later in this post for how to address the most common underlying issues.

The Best 50 Activities for Kids At Home

Whether you find yourself at home with your kids during a bad weather day, a teacher in-service training day, or an extended school break where you’re also trying to work from home, this list of fun activities for kids at home is for you. This list will help you keep your child busy and happily engaged – and likely even learning something too.

But first, you need to know a couple important differences when it comes to this list of activities for kids:

• For the times when you need activities your kids can do independently so you can get something important done yourself, you’ll find those activities marked with a star like this . A star like this indicates the activities that could be independent, depending on your child’s age and temperament or if you have more than one child.
• The activities in this list skew more heavily towards open-ended because those types of activities are more likely to keep your child actively engaged, learning, and thinking deeply.

Pro tip: Some families like to set up clear plastic bins to keep each activity separate so they’re easy to pull out and have ready to go. The benefit of setting up these “Choose Your Own Adventure” bins is that if your child gets bored with whatever activity they selected, they can easily put that one away and see what’s in the other bins to pick what they want to get out next. (By the way, we’ve tried several brands, and these clear bins have stood up best over time.)

Related: Working From Home With Kids? Here’s the Best Advice for Parents {Printable}

Before You Forget…

At the end of the post, don’t forget to get the handy free printable list of all these activities for kids at home.

Here’s a sneak peek of your free printable:

Note: In the list below, indicates activities that kids can typically do independently without needing parental involvement beyond a quick initial setup and explanation. indicates the activities that could be independent, depending on your child’s age and temperament or if you have more than one child.

Creative Fun

The process of open-ended creating helps kids relax, focus, feel successful, and learn to express their emotions.

If you need activities for kids at home that will keep them engaged for longer, try these creative options:

1. Bust out the play dough or slime. Don’t have any? Make some, then let your kiddo loose with some fun play dough tools like this. (If my zero-craftiness self can make homemade dough, you totally can!)
2. Solve a jigsaw puzzle. About once a week, my kids will go on a puzzle binge, putting together puzzle after puzzle. Our favorite puzzles for younger kids are the Melissa & Doug floor puzzles. For older kids, the Ravensburger puzzles are high-quality and have lots of fun options to choose from.
3. Play a board game or card game. If you have more than one child, they can play together. If you have an only child, you can teach them solitaire games they can play independently. If the games you have aren’t keeping your child engaged, check out this list of the best board games for all ages.
4. Listen to a podcast for kids. Some of our favorites are Brains On, But Why, Stories Podcast, Tumble, and Wow in the World. For tweens and teens, we also enjoy Book Club for Kids, Stuff You Should Know, and This American Life.
5. Build an epic fort. Set your child up with the supplies they need, such as sheets, tablecloths, or curtains; command hooks and string to attach blankets to the wall; and pillows, blankets, or rugs to make it cozy. Then when it’s done, they can show it off to you!
6. Make a craft. Get your child everything they need to make something fun like friendship bracelets, a latch hook project, a cross-stitch design, and so on.
7. Play pretend with paper dolls. This isn’t just for girls! My son loves playing pretend with paper dolls just as much as his sisters do. We got these adorable handmade color-in paper dolls you can print at home, which kept my kids busy while they colored them in, cut them, and then dressed up the dolls. For younger kids, the magnetic dress-up sets from Melissa & Doug are a great fit. Or if your child likes to draw, encourage them to design their own paper dolls and dress-up clothes.
8. Do a science experiment. We have this book of 10-minute science experiments for kids, and my kids love it!
9. Make something yummy. Encourage your child to flip through your cookbooks or look for a recipe at a couple of your favorite blogs, then make it. They can try a new recipe for dinner or make a baked good as a family treat.
10. Give them boxes. Round up a few empty cardboard boxes and let your child loose. They can make a cardboard city like this, a toy castle, a fort, or whatever their imagination comes up with. We recently got this book of cardboard engineering projects for our preschooler, and she ATE IT UP.
11. Invent a board game. This one can keep your child busy for ages! You can even get them a blank DIY board game kit, so all they have to do is design the board and come up with the rules.
12. Play hide-and-seek. If you have more than one child, they can play this independently. One variation my kids love is called Sardines, where one person hides and anyone who finds them has to squeeze into the same hiding spot like sardines until the last person discovers them.
13. Take photos. Give your child a camera or a mobile device with a camera and encourage them to take some fun or interesting photos of the world around. For a little structure, you can print a photo scavenger hunt printable for them.
14. Make art. Not only is creating art important for your child’s development, but it’s also been shown to impact health by reducing stress and anxiety, increasing positive emotions, and reducing the likelihood of depression. To make this a special activity, consider putting together an art basket with fun new supplies for your child, like this book of drawing prompts or this book of drawing games and tangle art, gel crayons (my kids love these!), a mixed media sketchbook (so markers and paints won’t bleed through), and so on. We keep all these special art supplies in a cute craft tote like this so it’s easy to pull everything out when our kids want to get creative.
15. Build with LEGOs. To take this everyday activity to the next level, we got our kids this book: Awesome LEGO Creations with Bricks You Already Have. They can’t get enough! We flip through the book together, they pick something they want to make, then they get to work while I run off to raid my secret chocolate stash in peace.
16. Play dress-up. Kids love playing pretend, and dressing up in special clothes can inspire pretend scenarios that will keep them busy for a long while. We keep a special trunk of dress-up clothes just for this, and it includes some of the Melissa and Doug role play costumes like the firefighter and the doctor, these gorgeous play silks (I was skeptical, but they really do inspire the best pretend play!), reversible crowns and foam play swords, and this superhero cape and mask set.
17. Do something nice. Helping others has one of the biggest impacts to your happiness, and kids get a boost from giving to others, too. Challenge your child to brainstorm five nice things they can do for someone they love and then do them. A few ideas:
    • Bake fresh cookies and share them with your neighbors.
    • Write a thank-you note.
    • If your house has a never-ending mountain of laundry like ours does, fold it all and put it away.
    • Go through toys and pick some to donate to charity.
    • Make someone’s bed for them.
    • Read a book to a younger sibling.
18. Design a postcard. You can get a whole pack of blank postcards and let your child decorate them, then write a quick note to a family member or friend on the other side. If your child wants to use paint, get these mixed media postcards or these watercolor postcards. Otherwise if they want to stick to crayon and pencil, plain blank postcards will do the trick.
19. Paint rocks. Later, you and your child can take a walk around the neighborhood to leave them somewhere for a stranger to find so you can brighten their day.
20. Plan a treasure hunt. Your child can hide a few things and come up with clues to lead you through the house to find what they’ve hidden. Kids especially love this when you give them permission to hide something important like your keys, your phone, or money! We’ve also done treasure hunts where they hide pieces of chocolate or marshmallows in each hiding spot, so when I find each hiding spot, we all enjoy a treat together to celebrate before moving onto the next clue. Coming up with the hiding spots and clues will keep them busy for a while, and when you’re done with what you need to do, you can have fun with the treasure hunt together.

“The very best kinds of playthings are open-ended…Children can make of them whatever they’re working on at that moment, and their play is then determined by their own needs. If most of their playthings are ‘single-action’ toys, their play tends to be limited, as if they’re following the ‘formula’ of what the manufacturer determined.”

Fred Rogers

Outdoor Fun

Research shows that kids who play outside are happier, are less anxious, and have better focus than kids who spend more of their time indoors.

Here are a few activities for kids at home that your child can do outside:

1. Go for a walk. To spice it up a little, turn it into a nature scavenger hunt with this printable.
2. Play catch. Throw a ball or a frisbee back and forth. Challenge yourself to see how long you can keep it going back and forth before someone drops it, Chandler and Joey style.
3. Have a picnic. Pack a lunch or a snack, grab an outdoor blanket (this one’s our favorite but we also got this adorable picnic basket and blanket as a gift one year), and have a picnic. For a special treat, pack something fun your child doesn’t usually get, like a piece of candy, a juice box, or sparkling juice like Izze.
4. Make sidewalk art. Bust out the sidewalk chalk or an extra special set like this glitter chalk and see what your child comes up with. If they need some inspiration, check out Chalk on the Wild Side, which has 25+ chalk art projects, recipes (glow-in-the-dark chalk!), and chalk game ideas for you.
5. Design an obstacle course. If you have more than one child, they can turn it into a competition. Or for only children, they can show it off when they’re done, and you can run through the course together.
6. Make a bird feeder. Keep your kids busy and help sustain bird species that are in danger by getting your child set up to make a DIY bird feeder. Here are a few options from the National Audubon Society, the Cornell Lab K-12 Education team, and National Geographic Kids. To keep the fun going longer, get your child a pair of kid-friendly binoculars and a bird watching guide so they can figure out which birds are showing up!
7. Go backyard camping. Set up a tent in your backyard and help your child fill a backpack with everything they’ll need for their camping adventure, from a camp light to a portable game like Spot It! to fun snacks. If you don’t have a tent yet, here’s the 4-person tent we got for our backyard camping adventures – it’s affordable and has great reviews. For more ideas, check out this super useful post from one family about how to make the most of a backyard camping adventure.

“Child development specialists say young children learn best when they are fully engaged and imbued with a feeling of control. They encourage parents to seek out more open-ended games and toys in which children could explore and create at their own pace.”

Slate magazine

Bookish Fun

This section assumes your child can read independently. If not, these activities for kids at home are still awesome, but you’ll need to help your child with all of them except the first one in the list.

1. Listen to an audiobook. Get a membership to Audible or Libro.fm so they can listen to the best audiobooks. (By the way, Libro.fm is the same price as Audible, and you’ll support a locally owned bookstore with every audiobook you choose!) Some of our favorite audiobooks for kids are:
   • Because of Winn-Dixie: Audible or Libro.fm (the authentic Southern accent is a fun touch but still easy for kids to understand!)
   • The Land of Stories series: Audible or Libro.fm
   • The One and Only Ivan: Audible or Libro.fm
2. Solve a word puzzle. We love this series of crossword puzzle books because they have perforated pages you can tear out so you can solve a puzzle on the go. As another option, the word searches from the Highlights PuzzleMania series kept my kids busy for a long while.
3. Read a book. If your child isn’t a bookworm yet, get them a wide variety of options, including graphic novels, picture books, magazines, funny poetry, and chapter books. You never know what they’ll end up loving! For book recommendations, check out our list of the best picture books, according to kids and parents. For older kids, here’s our list of the best chapter books for turning kids into bookworms.
4. Write a story and illustrate it. My kids love these blank storybooks, which you can get in packs of six.
5. Send a letter or thank-you note. Gratitude is important to wellbeing, so this is an easy way to nurture gratitude in your child. Research shows that when you encourage your child to participate in gratitude-rich activities, you increase their capacity for gratitude. For this activity, ask your child to think of someone they’re grateful to or for, then encourage them to write a letter or thank-you note to mail to that person. In our family, we started “Letter Wednesdays” to remember to do this once a week and get in the habit of expressing our gratitude.
6. Write a play. Your child can write the script, design the set, pull together the costumes, and when it’s all done put the whole show on. For only children, they can create a one-person show, but for multiple kids the whole crew can get in on the project.
7. Create a family newsletter or newspaper. To keep your friends and family updated on what’s new with your family, encourage your child to act like a reporter and create a newspaper-style update of everything that’s going on. Your loved ones will appreciate the adorable update, and your child will stay busy for a while pulling the whole thing together.
8. Start a journal. Journaling is a powerful tool for helping kids cope with emotions because it puts you into a state of mindfulness, where your negative experiences don’t seem quite so earth-shattering. Also, the emotional release you get from journaling can lower anxiety and stress, plus help you sleep better. If your child doesn’t already keep a journal, check out our list of the best journals for kids and pick up one for your child: 10 Best Journals for Kids That Will Boost Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence.

Water Fun

Most kids love playing in the water. So when you need ideas for activities for kids at home, below are some fun ways to add water play into the mix.

Note: Whether your child can do these water activities independently will depend on your child’s age and temperament, so you’ll need to make that decision. If you have things you need to get done, you can always set up a lawn chair nearby your child and catch up on email, read a book, or just take a break!

1. Turn on the sprinklers. Tell your child to put on their swimsuit and start the sprinkler in your yard. They can play games like Freeze Tag or London Bridge, design an obstacle course around the sprinkler, or set up a bike wash station to wash their bike with a sponge and soap. Or as another option, get a fun splash mat for your yard.
2. Have a water balloon fight. This works best when you have more than one child. Set them up with a bunch of water balloons (get the quick-fill kind here!), and let them loose. They can throw them at each other, or they can play water balloon toss to see how many they can toss to each other before one breaks. If you don’t have water balloons, bust out your squirt guns and fill those up instead.
3. Wash the car. Get the kids set up with a bucket, a sponge, soap, and the hose, and let them have at it.
4. Set up a water table. This activity is perfect for keeping toddlers and preschoolers busy. You can either get a ready-made water table like this one or make your own using PVC pipe. Here’s the tutorial we used to make ours. When my kids were toddlers and preschoolers, they would happily spend 30 to 45 minutes at the water table!
5. Stick them in the bathtub. Bath time can be at any time of day! For younger kids, you definitely will need to supervise, but you can make it special by giving them pool toys, squirt toys, or bubbles to blow while in the bath. For older kids, you can make it a relaxing activity for them by lighting a candle or two, using kid-friendly bubble bath, and turning on some music or their favorite podcast.

Guilt-Free Screen Time

Sticking your child in front of a screen all day typically backfires because then you have to deal with the “screen time zombie effect” later on when they’re finally off screens – which depending on the kid means they’ll be quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

So it’s no surprise that both the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend limiting daily screen time for kids.

But with that said, all screen time is not created equal.

Research shows that fast-moving animation or video leads to attention issues in children, and those kids get bored by real-life activities more easily. On the other hand, educational and slower-paced screen time doesn’t have the same negative effects.

In other words, a child who played Fortnite for an hour straight will come off screen time a lot crankier than a child who watched a one-hour nature documentary.

“The quality of what children watch on screens is more important than how much they watch.”

Susan Friedman, National Association for the Education of Young Children

In light of the impact different kinds of screen time will have on your child, these screen time activities for kids at home are relatively guilt-free:

1. Try Mister Rogers. If your child hasn’t seen the show before, sit down with your child and watch an old Mister Rogers episode, or play LEGOs or make art while the episode plays in the background. Then pay attention to your child. This slow-paced children’s show tends to put many kids in a sort of calm trance, and when the episode is over, they aren’t moody like they tend to be after other kinds of television. Guilt-free screen time? Check!
2. Watch a kid-friendly documentary. Here are a few excellent documentaries my kids have enjoyed:
   • The Biggest Little Farm – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Chasing Coral – available on Netflix here
   • The Elephant Queen – available on Apple TV+
   • March of the Penguins – available to rent on Amazon here
   • A Reindeer’s Journey – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Spellbound – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Walking with Dinosaurs – available to rent on Amazon here
   • Several documentaries from Disneynature have activity packets you can get as a supplement to the documentary
3. Watch video adaptations of children’s books. You can purchase these story time videos on Apple TV, or some libraries participate in Kanopy Kids so you can get free access to a whole bucketload of them. After you log into Kanopy and go to the Kanopy Kids section, look for the “Story Time” category. (Side note: You’ll also get access to lots of kid-friendly documentaries through Kanopy!)
4. Let a famous actor read aloud to your child. Through Storyline Online, you can access free videos of actors reading children’s books aloud.
5. Listen to a children’s book author. Children’s book author Kate Messner put together an amazing resource of videos with authors reading aloud, leading kids through art activities, and more. She’s done the hard work of finding all the awesomeness, so you just need to queue up a few of the videos for your child to watch.
6. Go on a virtual safari. If your child loves animals, set them up with a few different live webcams from zoos and aquariums so they can try to find the animals and see what they’re up to. Here are a few of our favorites:
   • Beluga whales, penguins, puffins, otters, sea lions, piranhas, and alligators at the Georgia Aquarium
   • Lions, elephants, pandas, and naked mole rats at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo
   • Giraffes, gorillas, elephants, rhinos, and chimps at the Houston Zoo (you can even control the camera to zoom in and pan around)
   • Polar bears, koalas, tigers, baboons, penguins, giraffes, elephants, and more at the San Diego Zoo
   • Goats and sheep at the Folly Farm in the United Kingdom (the kids love when they have new babies on the live feed!)
   • African animals in the wild in Kenya
   • Puppies training to be service dogs
7. Let them pick a class. At Outschool, your child can browse the online classes available and pick what they want to learn about, from ASL to raising chickens to video game design – pretty much everything you can think of! Classes are small groups of students who meet via video chat regularly, and teachers are experts on the topic they’re teaching about. For older kids and teens, you can also check MasterClass to see if they have a class with an expert that might be a good fit. For example, they can get tennis lessons from Serena Williams or learn about songwriting from John Legend. If you don’t find a class there, another great option for older kids and teens is Skillshare.
8. FaceTime or Skype a relative or friend. For example, if your child’s grandparents are retired, set your child up so they can make a video call and chat. The grandparents will be happy, and your child will be entertained. Face-to-face video calls can have positive effects on kids, so the WHO and AAP say they’re appropriate even for toddlers!
9. Do yoga. Screen time can be a useful way to keep your child active, especially on rainy days. For kids ages 3 to 6, we enjoyed this yoga video for kids. For kids ages 7 to 12, this yoga video is a great fit. For older kids, we love Jillian Michaels’s Yoga Meltdown.
10. Play a brain food app or game. When it comes to apps and games, some are better than others for staving off the screen time zombie effect. Here’s a list of the best educational apps for kids that won’t make them moody and unruly afterwards.

Tip: If your child wants to play a fast-moving app or game, set a timer or an app time limit to keep the amount of time reasonable and minimize the negative effects. For example, on iOS devices, you can use the Screen Time settings to configure a time limit for specific apps.

4 Hidden Reasons Why Your Kid Gets Bored Easily

If your child tends to get bored easily and can’t seem to stick to any activities you line up for them, you might need to address one or more underlying factors. Because if you don’t address those underlying factors first, a list of activities for kids at home won’t ultimately help you keep your child busy and entertained. They’ll lose interest fast and boomerang right back to you.

Below, you’ll find the most common reasons why your child might be quick to boredom, plus suggested simple fixes you can start right away.

1. Share the Power

If you’re the one who decides which activity your child will do next, your child might be experiencing what child development experts call a lack of “agency” when it comes to playtime.

“[A] critical requirement for learning through play is that children must experience agency and be supported rather than directed…Agency in learning through play means seeing the child as capable rather than a blank slate to be filled…Agency is about the balance of initiative in the child-adult relationship: are children’s interests listened to? Are they consulted on decisions that concern them? Do they initiate an activity and invite adults to join them in play and decision-making? In other words, what opportunities do children have for exerting their thinking and actions in a social context where others hold the same rights?

Researchers find that this kind of scenario, where caregivers ensure that children play an active role in solving a problem-solving task, promotes children’s executive functions – that crucial suite of skills used in goal- setting and flexible thinking.”

Learning Through Play: A Review of the Evidence

Translation? Your child needs to have a say in how they’ll be spending their playtime. Not only will they be more likely to stick with an activity they had a hand in choosing, you’ll strengthen their brain in a way that will increase their ability to focus and stick to something:

“[Kids] who plan their own time, set weekly goals, and evaluate their own work build up their prefrontal cortex and other parts of the brain that help them exert greater cognitive control over their lives. These so-called executive skills aid children with self-discipline, avoiding distractions, and weighing the pros and cons of their choices.”

The Secrets of Happy Families

If you tend to pick the activity and then tell your child what they’re going to do, that can lead to your child losing interest in the activity quickly.

How to Fix It: The next time you want to set your child up with an activity, first ask them what they want to do. If they draw a blank, at the end of this post, you can get the free printable list of activities for kids at home and share it with your child. If they still aren’t sure, you can play what we call the Third Time’s a Charm Game, where you keep giving different options until your child has picked the same activity three times. Here’s a quick example:

• Parent: Which sounds better, playing inside or outside? (This first question just helps direct you towards which activities to start with when giving options to your child.)
• Child: Inside
• Parent: Which sounds better, playing a game or making art?
• Child: Hmm…I think making art
• Parent: Which sounds better, making art or reading?
• Child: Making art
• Parent: Which sounds better, making art or listening to a podcast?
• Child: Making art!

Or as an alternative, you can play the Pick 3 Game, where you give your child a list of activities to choose from, then have them rank their top three choices #1 through 3. That has the added benefit of giving them a backup option to move to next if the first option doesn’t work out for some reason.

2. Fill That Tank

Connection breeds cooperation. In other words, when your kids feel a strong connection with you, they’ll be more likely to cooperate.

On the other hand, when your child feels a lack of connection, that leads to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to do something, like when you need them to entertain themselves so you can focus on work or household chores.

One of the best ways to make sure your child will stay engaged in an activity is to make sure their connection “tank” is full first. That way, they won’t interrupt their own play to seek you out for a dose of meaningful connection.

How to Fix It: Before you set your child up with an activity to do independently (see strategy #3 below), spend 5 or 10 minutes connecting with them.

Here’s a quick list of a few of the best (and quickest!) ways to connect with your child every day. Tip: For a handy way to remember to do this every day, you can get my Family Connection Cards here. In just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles and interruptions caused by disconnection.

• Give your child a hug. But make sure it’s a good quality hug of six seconds or more. Here’s why. If your child isn’t used to you dishing out impromptu hugs, try a high-five instead and work up to hugs.
• Read a book. Your child is never too old to be read to. For older kids, you may find it fun to take turns reading aloud from the same book. If you don’t currently read aloud to your child regularly, be sure to check out the super helpful tips in this post: Want to Raise Smart, Kind Kids? Science Says Do This Every Day.
• Sit down and just play for a few minutes. No smartphones, no multitasking – follow your child’s lead.
• Go outside together. Take a walk, play catch, or hop on your bikes for a quick ride around the block.
• Get quiet. Start the day with a kid-friendly meditation using an app like Headspace. Meditation helps calm anxious feelings and increases your attention span and ability to focus. And that’s something both you and your child can benefit from!
• Play a board game or card game. We’ve found that Sleeping Queens is the perfect quick game for a wide range of ages, but for more ideas check out our full list of the absolute best family games for all ages. We’ve spent countless hours testing different family games with all different ages to find the cream of the crop!

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4,687 families purchased this game after reading this post…

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Sleeping Queens

    
“My daughter and I love Sleeping Queens! It teaches them math without them even realizing it – or me, for that matter. I remember my daughter laid down a sequence that was like 1 + 3 + 5 = 9, and I thought ‘How did you know that…?’ Then I realized she just figured it out from doing math in the game. So cool to watch her learn right before my eyes.” – Ann

3. Set the Bar Higher

On a typical school day and even on many weekend days, nearly every hour of our kids’ days is spoken for, filled with scheduled and structured activities. Between school, extracurricular activities, sports events, play dates, birthday parties, family get-togethers, and more, that doesn’t leave much downtime for kids to engage in what child development experts call “unstructured free play.”

And yet, unstructured play is essential to childhood development:

“Unstructured play is a set of activities that children dream up on their own without adult intervention. This type of play rarely has predetermined goals or objectives but instead allows children to create their own rules and establish their own limits. Recent research suggests that children should experience twice as much unstructured time as structured play experiences and touts the benefits of unstructured play on whole child development…

It develops self-determination, self-esteem, and the ability to self-regulate – all vital elements of emotional development. It fosters social competence, respect for rules, self-discipline, aggression control, problem solving skills, leadership development, conflict resolution, and playing by the rules…It provides fertile ground to cultivate creativity and imagination…[And] it sees boredom as a vehicle for children to create their own happiness, enhance inventiveness, and develop self-reliance.”

The Decline of Unstructured Play

But in today’s world, kids have gotten used to the adults in their lives directing their play and telling them how to spend their time. When it comes to figuring out how to spend unstructured free time, kids haven’t had much practice. So when we suddenly expect them to go play independently so that we can focus on something we need to get done, kids aren’t sure what to do with themselves.

For example, suppose that between you and your spouse, you were the one who always did the grocery shopping, but suddenly one day you asked your spouse to do it because you were busy. They might head to the grocery store and get there, only to realize they didn’t know what to do. So they might end up texting you every couple minutes to ask questions. But if instead, you asked your spouse to take over the weekly grocery shopping from here forward, that would change their approach. That first time, they might need a lot of guidance from you. But with clearer expectations, people tend to shift their mindset and approach it as a learning opportunity so that they can be more independent the next time.

How to Fix It: Clearly set the expectation for your child by establishing a routine of free play every day, to start either at a specific time of day or after another activity like after lunchtime. It can help to come up with a special name for this time of day, like “Quiet Time” or “Free Play Hour.” In my family, we call this time “Choose Your Own Adventure.”

Here’s one way you can make this routine work for your family:

1. Brainstorm. Before you’re scheduled to start, at the end of this post, get the free printable list of activities for kids at home and look through the list with your child.
2. Pick something. Ask your child to articulate what they’ll be doing during “Choose Your Own Adventure” time. If they have trouble deciding, try the Third Time’s a Charm Game or Pick 3 Game from strategy #1 above. (Side note: They’ll be much more likely to stick with it if they set their intention ahead of time for what they plan to do!)
3. Set it up. Help your child get everything they need set up so that they can do what they’ve picked without needing to come to you.
4. Start a timer. Set a timer to communicate to your child that you expect them to entertain themselves and to show when you’ll be joining them again. Even young kids can understand the concept of a timer counting down. You can use a kitchen timer, set a timer on your oven or microwave, or set up a tablet or other mobile device in a visible spot with the screen locked on a timer.
   • For younger kids, you might start with a short period of time like 10 or 15 minutes.
   • For older kids, you might start with 30 minutes and work up to a longer chunk of time.
5. Skedaddle. Let your child know you’ll be looking forward to hearing how it goes, then go do whatever you need to do, whether that’s working from home, catching up on housework, or just relaxing in the bath with a good book.

Related: Working From Home With Kids? Here’s the Best Advice for Parents {Printable}

4. Wipe the Slate Clean

Research shows that when kids are surrounded by toys, they typically find it harder to concentrate on any one thing.

They end up jumping around from toy to toy without ever getting fully engrossed in playing with one specific thing. But it’s the experience of being engrossed in one toy that leads to real growth and development for your child.

It’s kind of like if you started 10 different books all at once and took turns reading a couple pages from each one. You’d never get fully immersed in any of the books, and you’d struggle to pull any significant life lessons or new knowledge from the reading.

And the clincher that brought this home for me? I discovered that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 on a daily basis. Whoa.

If your child struggles to stay engaged in any one activity, it might be that their surrounding toys are distracting them and keeping them from being able to focus.

How to Fix It: Consider setting up a simple toy rotation system so that your child can engage in deep, focused play. That will prevent them from bouncing between several things without ever fully engaging and also prevent the “boomerang” effect of them losing interest quickly and coming right back to you.

For a detailed guide on how to set up a super simple toy rotation system for your family, check out Toy Rotation: How to Make Your Kids Love It + Free Printables.

Get Your Free Printable: The Best Activities for Kids at Home

Use these free printable cards to get ideas of activities for kids at home.

1. Get the free printable. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be nice and sturdy.
3. Cut. Or if you’re like me and you can’t cut a straight line to save your life, fold and tear to get a charmingly casual look.
4. Pop the cards into an empty bowl or mason jar and put it on your dining room table or kitchen counter. Then when your kid says “I’m bored,” they can pick a random card and do it. Easy peasy!

For more ideas on how to best share this list with your child, check out the 4 Hidden Reasons Why Your Kid Gets Bored Easily section above.

Here’s a sneak peek of your free printable list of activities for kids at home:

Your Turn

What are the best activities for kids at home you’ve tried? Share in a comment below!

The post Bored Kid? The Best 50 Activities That Will Keep Kids Busy + Happy appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

In theory, working from home should be less stressful than commuting to the office every day.

Because you can wear your pajamas, co-workers won’t drop into your office for a “quick chat” right at the moment when you’re finally in the flow of getting things done, and nobody needs to know if you happen to polish off your whole Girl Scout cookie stash from the freezer.

But when you add kids into your working from home equation, it’s easy to feel like you’re not getting any real work done.

Kids will interrupt you for the most trivial of reasons (Mommy! My yogurt is too lumpy!), they might get into mischief if left to their own devices for too long (lock up your Sharpies!), and sticking them in front of a screen all day just backfires. Because then you have to deal with the “screen time zombie effect” later on when they’re finally off screens – which depending on the kid means they’ll be quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of the best advice for how to work from home with kids, backed by research.

What You Need to Know About Working From Home With Kids

I’ve been working from home with kids in tow for more than 12 years now.

My kids range in age from 12 to 2, and I’ve learned the hard way what works – and what doesn’t. Throughout that time, I’ve studied the best science-backed strategies for being productive while working remotely. And I teach a class to hundreds of remote workers every year about how to actually get stuff done when you’re working from home.

But even after all that and even though my kids’ behavior has always been developmentally appropriate for a child in that situation, at times I’ve still gotten so frustrated at the kid-related interruptions and disruptions to my productivity that I’ve had to lock myself in my closet and scream into a pillow.

So if you’ve come to this post because you’re wondering, “Can you work from home and look after a child at the same time?” the honest answer is: Not exactly. But hang tight because all hope is not lost!

Let Me Explain

The human brain is not designed to do two things at once, as much as we’d like to pretend otherwise. And looking after a child and doing your job are definitely two different tasks.

Both your child and your work will demand your full attention:

• The more your child feels your attention is elsewhere, the more disconnected they’ll feel from you, and the more they’ll interrupt you while you’re trying to focus.
• On the other hand, when you’re never fully focused on your work, you’ll be more prone to mistakes, it will take you longer to get tasks done, and your stress level will skyrocket.

So what in the world are you supposed to do if you need to work from home with children in tow?

While you can’t do two things at once, you can use a handful of simple science-backed strategies that will help you get your work done without resorting to 8 hours of zombie-making screen time for your kids.

Working From Home With Kids? The Best Advice That Actually Works

Below, I’ve compiled all the best strategies for how to work from home with kids in tow. These are the exact same strategies I teach my students in my time management course for remote workers, many of whom are work-from-home parents, so that they can squeeze maximum results out of limited work time.

This is your one-stop shop for everything you need to know about working from home without childcare while still maintaining your sanity. And after the list, you can get a free cheat sheet of all the strategies covered in this post.

If you have any extra advice for parents who are struggling with how to work from home with kids, please share your insight in a comment at the end of this post. We’re all in this together!

But First, a Warning

It took me 12 years to research and uncover all the best hacks for how to work with kids around, adding each one to my toolbox with the excitement of Ariel discovering a new human artifact to add to her treasure trove. Here in one handy spot, I’m sharing all the nuggets of wisdom I’ve gathered over the years so that you can be productive when working from home without feeling like you’re completely ignoring or neglecting your child.

Which means this post is M-E-A-T-Y and chock full of science-backed strategies. So remember this: Even if all you do is use one strategy from this list, you’ll see an impact. And the more you can implement, the better the results you’ll see.

Above all, please give yourself grace. Every day of working from home with kids will not be perfect, and that’s okay. If you got some work done and everybody ended the day still speaking to each other, I count that as a win. And if the day didn’t go so well? That’s okay too because you’ll get another crack at it tomorrow.

1. Share the Load

Every morning, I used to oversee breakfast and get-ready time for all my kids. I would bounce between making food, cleaning up dishes, hunting for matching socks in the dryer, reminding them to finish their food, reminding them to get dressed, reminding them to brush their teeth…on and on and on.

While all that may seem trivial, it added up to 45 minutes (or more) every morning where I was at the kids’ beck and call like a Downton Abbey butler. And then at lunchtime, it happened all over again.

But there’s no reason I had to be the one to oversee their morning and lunchtime routines.

If your kids are used to you making their breakfast and lunch for them, cleaning up their dishes for them, and reminding them to do things like get dressed or brush their teeth, now’s the time to think about handing off that responsibility.

Not only will your child be practicing important life skills and end up happier and more successful as adults because of it, you can recover a solid chunk of time every day where you’ll be able to focus on your work.

After I invited my kids to take over responsibility for their own morning and lunchtime routines, I carved out at least an extra 1.5 hours of focused work time every day. At first, they needed my help and guidance to get comfortable with what I was asking of them, but before too long, I was able to take a step back and officially hand over the reins for those routines.

How to Do It

First, a quick heads up: Strategy #2 below goes hand-in-hand with this strategy because it helps grease the wheels for this conversation, so you might consider having that quick conversation first before your official “share the load” conversation.

With that said, here’s an example of how you might kick this off:

1. Bring it up. At the family dinner table one night, start the conversation by saying something like this to reinforce what’s in it for your kids:

“Now that we’re all working together as [a team *or* insert name from strategy #2], there’s something I need your help with. In the morning and at lunch, I spend a lot of time getting food ready and helping you get yourself ready. But if I could use that time to work instead, then I’d be done faster and could come do something fun with you to start the day, like play a quick card game. So I need you to step up for the team and take over making your breakfast and lunch and also get yourself ready in the morning. Can you do that for the team?”

2. Gauge their reaction. Most kids will be up for it because they want to be part of the team, and they want to feel grown-up. But if for some reason they resist, they might have some underlying anxieties, so try asking them what they’re worried about. After they explain, you can ask what you can do to help so that they feel like they can pitch in for the team.
3. Practice. When they’re on board, you might respond with something like this:

“Awesome! If you can take over making your breakfast and lunch without asking me for help, that will help me get my work done faster, and then we can do something fun together. But I know this will be a change, so after dinner, let’s pretend like we’re going through the whole morning process and see if there’s anything I need to do to make it easier for you. Like maybe we can move some food lower in the fridge so you can reach it better, or we can find a step stool you can use if you need it.”

4. Make it visible. Consider setting up a visual reminder for your kids’ whole morning routine, like these printable routine picture cards designed by my friend Lauren. We got a sheet of magnetic sticker squares and stuck one on the back of each routine card, then put the cards on our fridge. When the kids finish something from their routine, they take the card off and put it in a pocket folder labeled “DONE” that’s also on the fridge. Then every night after they’re in bed, I move all the cards back to the fridge for the next day.

If you’re still shouldering all the routine load in your family, you might be thinking, Sure, that sounds great, but if I don’t make sure they do everything, it won’t get done! So if you’re worried your kids won’t follow through, ask yourself: Does it matter?

• If they wear their pajamas a little longer, that’s not the end of the world.
• If they eat breakfast a little later because they were distracted by playing first thing in the morning, they’ll survive. A bit longer of an overnight fast won’t hurt, and I promise you if they’re hungry, they’ll figure out how to fix that.
• And if you’re concerned they might forget to brush their teeth, you can give them a creative reminder, like storing their toothbrush and toothpaste in a basket or bin with their favorite breakfast item so they’ll pull the whole thing out and get a visual reminder.

Bottom line: Make your expectations clear that your child is responsible for their own routines. Not only will this help you carve out more work time in your day, you’ll be nurturing your child’s independence and setting them up for success later in life.

2. Name Your Team

Full disclosure: This step might seem unnecessary or even a bit silly to you when you’re already stressed about getting work done, but many of my time management students find that their kids do much better when they feel involved in this simple way.

Research shows that kids as young as three can understand the value of teamwork and will even change their behavior to cooperate on a common goal. In other words, when kids feel like they’re part of the team, they can make better decisions in the moment about what will best help the team.

And so when you nurture and reinforce the idea that you’re all on the same team in your family, you set a clear expectation that everyone has a role to play with supporting the family’s common goal. Establishing this common goal is an important piece of the foundation for getting your kids to cooperate when you’re working from home.

For a fun and quick way to start fostering an attitude of teamwork right now, invite your kids to help come up with an official team name for your family.

Then later on, your team name will be a simple and positive way to remind your kids of the importance of you all working together as a team towards your common goal. (And I can tell you that rallying the troops in the spirit of teamwork feels infinitely better than nagging or losing your temper every day!)

How to Do It

To be clear, this strategy isn’t a good fit when you’re working from home with a baby or a toddler, but preschoolers and up can certainly understand the concept of working together as a team and change their behavior to support the team.

Here’s one way you might kick this off:

1. Bring it up. At a mealtime or another time when the whole family is together and isn’t distracted by screen time or other activities, start a conversation, similar to something like this:

“Mom and dad will be working from home so that we can buy food and pay the bills for the house and car. But this will be a little different for all of us, and it might take us some time to get used to it. If we’re going to make it work, we’ll need to work as a team to support each other. So we thought it might be fun to come up with a team name for our family now that we’re going to be working to get through this together. What ideas do you have?”

2. Brainstorm and vote. Let the kids throw out team names and then have a family vote. You can use your last name or something else entirely as your team name (Dumbledore’s Army?), but try to bite your tongue during the brainstorming process and let your kids have fun with it.
3. Make it official. Post your team name somewhere. The kids can decorate a sign, you can write it on a chalkboard or whiteboard if you have one, or you can let the kids use special window markers to post the team name on a window or mirror. Or for an extra dose of fun that will keep your kids busy for a bit (so you can work!), you can get plain white t-shirts and let your kids decorate them with Sharpies to turn them into team jerseys.

Bottom line: Foster an attitude of teamwork with your kids by explaining your shared goal and inviting them to come up with a fun family team name.

3. Bank Your Hours Quickly

I am not a morning person. I love staying up late to read just one more chapter of an unputdownable book, watch Brooklyn Nine Nine reruns, or just scroll Twitter for stupid pet videos without any little people looking over my shoulder.

And so I was resistant to this idea for a long, long time, but even I have to admit it works. The absolute best advice I’ve ever received for how to work from home with kids is to wake up before your kids and get your work done before your attention is split between your kids and work.

For most of my time management students, this simple strategy is the one that makes the biggest difference.

How to Do It

As one example, if you can wake up at 6:00 am and your kids wake up around 7:00 am (and you’ve shared the load on morning routines as explained in strategy #1 above), that gives you a solid 1.5 to 2 hours of focused work time. If you can push it a little more and wake up at 5:00 am and your kids get used to being self-sufficient a little longer like until 8:30 am or 9:00 am, that means you could get half of your work hours in before the day has even really started.

Currently, I wake up at 5:00 am and go to bed at 9:30 pm, which still gives me an hour of kid-free time at night to goof off. My kids have now learned to take care of themselves until 9:00 am, which means I get 4 solid hours of work in before I join them.

I wish I hadn’t waited so long to start waking up early, so I’m passing along this lesson learned to you. If you think it won’t work for you, try it for one week and reevaluate. You might be surprised! It feels pretty darn fantastic to have half your work hours banked before the time most people are starting their day.

Bottom line: Wake up before your kids to make the most of the quiet morning hours when it’s easier to focus and string together a few hours of work time.

4. Fill That Tank

When you see your kids for the first time each morning, you might feel tempted to rush through the morning essentials so that you can get to work as quickly as possible – or get back to work if you followed the strategy in #3 above.

Resist that temptation.

Rushing through your time with your child in the morning will actually backfire, and here’s why: Connection breeds cooperation. In other words, when your kids feel a strong connection with you, they’ll be more likely to cooperate.

On the other hand, when your child feels a lack of connection, that leads to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to do something, like when you need them to entertain themselves without accidentally burning down the house so you can focus on work.

But when you start the day by connecting in a meaningful way with your child, that fills their connection “tank,” and they’ll be much less likely to interrupt you later on while you’re working.

How to Do It

Below are a few of the best ways to connect with your child every morning and start your day off on the right foot. Tip: For a handy way to remember to do this every morning, you can get my Family Connection Cards here. In just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

• Give your child a hug. But make sure it’s a good quality hug of six seconds or more. Here’s why. If your child isn’t used to you dishing out impromptu hugs, try a high-five instead and work up to hugs.
• Read a book. Your child is never too old to be read to. For older kids, you may find it fun to take turns reading aloud from the same book. If you don’t currently read aloud to your child regularly, be sure to check out the super helpful tips in this post: Want to Raise Smart, Kind Kids? Science Says Do This Every Day.
• Sit down and just play for a few minutes. No smartphones, no multitasking – follow your child’s lead.
• Go outside together. Take a walk, play catch, or hop on your bikes for a quick ride around the block.
• Get quiet. Start the day with a kid-friendly meditation using an app like Headspace. Meditation helps calm anxious feelings and increases your attention span and ability to focus. And that’s something both you and your child can benefit from!
• Play a board game or card game. We’ve found that Sleeping Queens is the perfect quick game for a wide range of ages, but for more ideas check out our full list of the absolute best family games for all ages. We’ve spent countless hours testing different family games with all different ages to find the cream of the crop!

Bottom line: When you see your child during work breaks, make it a priority to connect in a meaningful way. That will fill their connection “tank” and cut down on their natural urge to interrupt you while you’re working.

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5. Set a Firm Boundary…Together

Even if you were able to bank a solid chunk of hours at the start of the day (see strategy #3 above), you will likely need to work more hours while your kids are awake.

But this can be the most frustrating aspect of working from home with kids because kids don’t understand that you need to focus. And they certainly don’t understand that interrupting you breaks that focus and makes it take longer to get your work done. In fact, one study found that it can take you 23 minutes just to get back to where you left off before the interruption. Yikes.

Your kids will interrupt you because they want a snack, because they can’t get the universal remote to work, because their sibling looked at them funny…you name it.

The mistake I made when starting out as a work-from-home parent was taking an authoritarian approach to preventing interruptions from my kids instead of an authoritative approach. Here’s the difference:

• Authoritarian: Do not interrupt me when I’m working. If you interrupt me, you’ll have consequences that may include but are not limited to loss of screen time, no more dessert, and me duct taping your mouth shut during my conference calls.
• Authoritative: Every day, I’ll need to focus on my work for a couple hours in the morning and a couple hours in the afternoon – about the length of one movie in the morning and one movie in the afternoon. This is so that I can get my work done and get back to doing fun stuff with you at lunchtime and at the end of the day. But in order for that to happen, during that morning time and afternoon time I won’t be able to answer your questions, help solve problems you’ve run into, or talk to you about anything else. Kind of like an ostrich sticking their head in the sand! So I’d like your help coming up with a couple things: First, we need a sign I can put on my door to let you know when I’m in one of those “ostrich” times where I need to focus. And after we brainstorm that, I want to hear your ideas for things you can do while I’m in “ostrich” mode and focused on work.

The first approach seems much easier at first glance, but it has one problem: It doesn’t work. The authoritarian approach to parenting undermines your authority in your child’s eyes, and that means they’re less likely to respect your requests or demands. In fact, kids subjected to the authoritarian approach are more likely to become disruptive, aggressive, and defiant.

But with an authoritative approach, you explain the reason you’re asking your child to do something – or not do something – and then invite them to help you come up with the final solution to the problem. You’re still clearly communicating firm expectations and boundaries, but this way your child feels like they’re part of the process instead of feeling like they’re living in a dictatorship, powerless over their own fate.

It’s near impossible to completely eliminate all interruptions from your kids, but this strategy invites an attitude of teamwork and can drastically cut down on the number of interruptions.

How to Do It

To implement this boundary with your kids, here are a few ideas you can use as jumping off points:

• Make a Sign – Invite your child to design a sign to put on your office door. (Don’t have an office door? See strategy #6 below.) This will communicate to your child when you’re in one of those special focus periods during the day and cut down on interruptions. They might design a stop/go sign, a thumbs up/down sign, or some other creative sign that will help them remember what to do if they feel the urge to interrupt you. Bonus: While they’re making the sign, you can get some work done!
• Brainstorm a List – Your child will be more successful if you work together to come up with a list of things for them to do while you’re working. This is the perfect time for them to catch up on any online learning or projects for school, listen to an audiobook or an educational podcast, or just get out a special toy or activity like play dough or slime. Then before you head off to work for one of your focus times, you can look through the list together, and they can set their intention ahead of time for what they’ll do. (By the way, they’ll be much more likely to stick with it if they make the decision ahead of time for what they plan to do!) For more on this, check out strategy #7 below.
• Share the Science – To reinforce the importance of why you need to focus, you can explain the brain science behind why interruptions make your work take longer in the end. For example, you might share the tidbit that it can take you 23 minutes just to get back to where you left off before the interruption! And then draw the connection for your child by explaining that’s 23 minutes of something fun you won’t be able to do together, like play a game or watch a favorite family show.
• State the Exceptions – Ask your child to give you examples of emergency situations or other times that it would be okay to interrupt you. Together, make a list of these exceptions and post it somewhere everyone can see.
• Plan for a Contingency – Sometimes your kids just want to share their emotions or experiences with you in the moment, and patience isn’t their strong suit. If you find this is the case with your child, you can come up with a positive alternative to them knocking on your office door. For example, you can teach your child how to record an audio message on a tablet or other mobile device so they can share what’s on their mind. Then when your focus time is over and you’re back in the family fold, you can listen to any messages you missed.

Bottom line: Involve your child in coming up with a clear boundary for what will happen when you’re in your focused work mode. When they feel like they were a part of important decisions like this, they’ll be more likely to stick to what’s decided.

6. Make a Space

Note: If you already have a separate office area with a door you can close, you can skip this section. But if you don’t have a separate office area, keep reading.

When I first started out, I tried to work in the same room as my kids. But that can be confusing for your child because they’ll think you’re “on” as a parent when you need to be focusing on work. And therefore, the interruptions will be constant, making everything take longer to get done.

Not to mention that even if your kids aren’t actively interrupting you, the sounds of their playtime or bickering will be enough of a distraction that your brain will not be fully focused on your work. That type of background is called “intermittent speech,” and it’s just about the worst kind of ambient noise for your productivity.

But at that time, I didn’t have a whole extra room to devote to being an office space, so I had to get creative. Because my kids were younger, strategies #8, 9, and 10 below were essential, but they all worked even better when I had a dedicated office space.

How to Do It

Here are a few creative ways you can physically separate yourself from the kid-related hullabaloo so you can focus on work:

• Set up on a porch, patio, or deck – Get a comfy deck chair and grab your laptop, and you’re good to go. If you’re worried about the kids burning down the house while you’re outside, you can set up a baby monitor camera inside the house and turn the volume on the monitor way down so you’ll only hear if someone screams due to mortal danger. (See the apps and tools section near the end of this post for recommendations on the best gear for working from home with kids.)
• Sequester yourself in your bedroom – You can get a cheap small work table to keep in the corner of your room when it’s not in use, or just sit up in bed with your laptop.
• Repurpose another room – If you don’t like the idea of using your bedroom for work, you can find another room in the house and repurpose it. I’ve known people who installed flip-down work tables on the wall of their laundry room, converted a master bath vanity into a workspace, and set up a workstation in a walk-in closet.

You don’t need much space, but it’s best to have a door you can close. That blocks out the sound of your kids but also serves as a visual reminder to your kids that you’re focusing – and a place to hang that sign they made from strategy #5 above!

Bottom line: Dedicate a separate area in your home to being your office space. That signals to your brain that you’re shifting to “work” mode, communicates the shift to your kids, and helps block out the distracting sounds of your kids talking and playing.

7. Choose Your Own Adventure

Suppose you’re on an important conference call with your boss’s boss, and your preschooler busts into your office, demanding a cheese stick NOW. And in two horrifying seconds, you register that he has PBJ smeared all across his face, has a Sharpie uncapped and in hand, and also seems to be missing…his pants?

For most of us, the biggest challenge with how to work with kids around is this: How can you keep your kids busy and engaged so that you can focus on work – without resorting to screen time for several hours a day?

I had to learn this lesson about working from home with kids the hard way: Expecting your kids to be happy doing the same exact thing every day while you work is not a recipe for success. Here’s why:

• Monotony leads to boredom,
• Which leads to your kids interrupting you more often,
• Which leads to you getting frustrated and lashing out,
• Which leads to your kids feeling emotionally disconnected from you,
• Which leads to them interrupting you even more.

The best way to avoid all this is to plan ahead so you can mix it up every day. When you work together to brainstorm a list of things for your kids to do while you’re working, your kids will be much more likely to stay engaged and leave you alone to work.

But Remember This

With all that said, we still need to have realistic expectations for how long our kids can play independently given their age and developmental stage:

• You can’t give a 3-year-old an activity and expect them to be quietly focused on it and nothing else for 30 minutes. For very young kids, you’ll need to use the strategies in #8, 9, and 10 below and work up to longer periods of independent play time.
• On the other hand, if your child is already capable of entertaining themselves for longer periods of time, this “Choose Your Own Adventure” strategy is an excellent way to keep your child busy and engaged while you focus on work.

But here’s the key: Your child needs to have a say in how they’ll be spending their time, at least most of the time. Not only will they be more likely to stick with an activity they had a hand in choosing, you’ll strengthen their brain in a way that will increase their ability to focus and stick to something:

“[Kids] who plan their own time, set weekly goals, and evaluate their own work build up their prefrontal cortex and other parts of the brain that help them exert greater cognitive control over their lives. These so-called executive skills aid children with self-discipline, avoiding distractions, and weighing the pros and cons of their choices.”

The Secrets of Happy Families

How to Do It

Here’s one way you can make the “Choose Your Own Adventure” strategy work to keep things fresh and engaging for your child:

1. Brainstorm. Find a time when you and your child can brainstorm a list of activities they can do independently while you’re working, and set a timer for 15-20 minutes or whatever you need. (Later in this section, you’ll find a list if you need ideas to get your creative juices flowing.)
2. Make a list. Write down every idea your child shares, even if you think it’s silly or not feasible. For this to work well, your child needs to feel like they have a voice.
3. Pick a few. When the timer’s up, look through the list together and ask your child to pick 10-12 ideas (or so) that they want to try in the next week.
   • Typically, your child will need 2-3 activities to keep them busy during a 1.5- to 2-hour work session, but your child might choose to repeat some activities from day-to-day so you don’t need a huge list. By narrowing the list down to a handful of options for each week, you’ll prevent your child from getting overwhelmed and experiencing decision overload when it’s time to pick an idea to do in that moment.
   • If your child picks an idea you’re not jazzed about, share your concerns and suggest an alternative that’s similar if possible.
4. Post the plan. Post the next week’s “bank” of ideas somewhere visible like on your fridge, a chalkboard or whiteboard, or with special window markers on a window or mirror.
5. Set intention. The next time before you head off to one of your work sessions, look through the list together, and ask your child to articulate what they’ll be doing while you work. (Reminder: They’ll be much more likely to stick with it if they set their intention ahead of time for what they plan to do!)
   • For younger children, it works best to have them pick just one idea they’ll do, then set an alarm for yourself to take a break after 30 minutes (or whatever they can handle) and come help them switch gears to the next activity. (See strategy #9 below.)
   • For older children, ask them to pick 2-3 activities they’ll be doing while you work. When they finish one, they can move onto the next one without needing your help.
6. Prep. Help your child get everything they need set up so that they can do what they’ve picked without needing to interrupt you for any reason.
7. Skedaddle. Let your child know you’ll be looking forward to hearing how it goes, then head to your office space (see strategy #6 above), put up your sign (see #5), and get to work!
8. Refresh the list. Once every week or as often as you need to, revisit the full master list you made earlier in this process and ask your child to pick another handful of activities they want to do in the days ahead. You can do this at a family dinner, schedule a special family meeting every week, or keep it impromptu as needed. If you notice your child is not staying engaged with the activities they’ve selected, doesn’t seem interested in anything on the list they chose, or is interrupting you more often, that’s an indication it’s time to mix it up.

Need Activity Ideas?

If you need some ideas for your “bank” of activities, below are a few to get you started.

Pro tip: Some families like to set up clear plastic bins to keep each activity separate so they’re easy to pull out and have ready to go. The benefit of setting up these “Choose Your Own Adventure” bins is that if your child gets bored with whatever activity they selected, they can easily put that one away and see what’s in the other bins to pick what they want to get out next. (By the way, we’ve tried several brands, and these clear bins have stood up best over time.)

• Catch up on online learning or projects for school.
• Listen to an audiobook – Give them an Audible or Libro.fm membership so they can listen to the best children’s audiobooks. (By the way, Libro.fm is the same price as Audible, and you’ll support a locally owned bookstore with every audiobook you choose!)
• Get creative with play dough or slime.
• Write a story and illustrate it – My kids love these blank storybooks, which you can get in packs of six.
• Make a craft, like friendship bracelets, a latch hook project, a cross-stitch design, and so on.
• Play a board game or card game – Check out this list of the best board games for all ages.
• Listen to a podcast for kids.
• Build an epic fort.
• Solve a jigsaw puzzle or a crossword puzzle.
• Play with paper dolls – This isn’t just for girls! My son loves playing pretend with paper dolls just as much as his sisters do.
• Design an obstacle course – If you have more than one child, they can turn it into a competition. Or for only children, they can show it off when you’re done with your work and you can run through the course together.
• For older kids:
  • Do a science experiment – We have this book of 10-minute science experiments for kids, and my kids love it!
  • Try a new recipe for dinner or make a baked good as a family treat.
  • Go for a walk or a bike ride.

Bottom line: Let your kids have a say in how they’ll be spending their time while you’re focused on work. Brainstorm a big list together, then each time before you head off to a work session, ask them to set their intention for what they’ll be doing.

If you want more ideas like this, check out our mega list of fun (and sneakily educational) activities for kids at home. For many of the activities in this list, kids end up learning and exercising their minds but they don’t even realize it because they’re having so much fun!

8. Find Your Rhythm

When I started out working from home without childcare and saw that left to their own devices, my kids would find a way to interrupt me approximately 729 times every hour, I thought the perfect solution would be to come up with a detailed schedule for our days.

Unfortunately, a detailed schedule just added to my stress and overwhelm. Because any time we got off schedule even a little bit, I felt agitated until we got back on track, which wasn’t always possible.

If you tend to get antsy when you’re late to appointments, feel annoyed at others when they’re late to a meeting with you, or grumble when someone reschedules a meeting or appointment at the last minute, you might benefit from thinking of your days as having a rhythm rather than trying to stick to an arbitrary schedule.

Huge important disclaimer: If you’ve been using an hour-by-hour work-at-home schedule for parents and it’s working for you, that’s awesome. You do you! But if you’ve tried sticking to a schedule and it’s not working out as well as you’d hoped or seems to be increasing your frustration rather than decreasing it, a daily rhythm might be a better fit for you.

With a daily rhythm, you’ll lay out a general order for your days rather than specific times. Especially for young kids who don’t have a concept of time and have a harder time transitioning between activities quickly, a daily rhythm can be easier for them to understand and follow.

How to Do It

Here’s just one example of a daily rhythm for working from home with kids:

• Mom/dad: Early morning work – see strategy #3 above
• Kids: Wake up + eat breakfast – see strategy #1
• Kids: Morning routine – get dressed, brush teeth, brush/comb hair; see strategy #1 and consider using something like these cute printable routine cards
• Family: Together time – this is important to minimize interruptions later in the day; see strategy #4; in my family, we go on a quick 15-minute neighborhood walk, get back for 10 minutes of read-aloud time, and then typically do one more quick idea from #4
• Kids: Choose your own adventure – see strategy #7
  Mom/dad: Morning work
• Family: Lunch
• Family: Together time – quickly fill your kids’ tanks before you part ways again
• Kids: Choose your own adventure – or for young kids, this might be nap time; in my family, the kids start by heading to the backyard (kind of like recess!) and then pick 1-2 more activities they want to do after they’re done playing outside, but often they end up playing outside the entire time
  Mom/dad: Afternoon work
• Family: Make dinner together
• Family: Dinner
• Kids: Bathtime + bedtime routine
  Mom/dad: Quick evening work session (if needed)
• Family: Read-aloud time
• Kids: In bed
  Mom/dad: Watch stupid TV shows, drink wine, and/or bust into your secret chocolate stash because you survived another day and actually got some work done to boot, so you deserve it

Tweak your daily rhythm however you need to in order to fit your family. For example, here are a few variations that have worked for other families:

• If your child is young and can’t be left alone for long, your work sessions might align with nap times, and you can also bank a larger chunk of your hours during the early morning before your child is awake and if necessary after they’re in bed for the night.
• If you have a spouse or partner who’s also working from home, you can trade off work time throughout the day. In other words, mom could keep working through the morning and then join the family at lunchtime while dad oversees morning family time and making lunch; then they could switch and dad could keep working through the afternoon into the evening while mom oversees afternoon family time and making dinner.
• If your child is still getting used to the idea of playing independently, you might need to start out with shorter work sessions at first and build up to longer sessions of 1.5 to 2 hours. In that case, you’ll need strategy #9 below.

After you find the right rhythm for you and your family, you can invite your kids to make a poster that shows the daily rhythm and hang it in a common area. If your kids are young and not reading yet, you can make the sign yourself and be sure to add small drawings to each step in the daily rhythm to help them understand the sign.

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Bottom line: Some parents prefer a detailed hour-by-hour daily schedule, but that doesn’t work for everyone. A detailed schedule might make you feel frustrated and possibly lash out at your kids when you get off track. Establish a daily rhythm instead so that you can still have some structure while being flexible.

9. Supercharge Your Focus

We parents like to tell ourselves we’re fantastic multi-taskers. And of all the people in the world, we probably are the best at juggling multiple tasks at the same time.

We can make a lunch for school while feeding the baby breakfast and making our morning cup of coffee. We can read a picture book to a toddler while bouncing the baby on our lap and popping the pacifier back in her mouth every time she spits it out. We can help our big kid with her math homework while starting dinner and surreptitiously double-checking our math guidance with the calculator app on our phone.

But the truth is that trying to multitask is not a good thing for your productivity. Your brain is actually not designed for multitasking, so what you’re really doing is juggling tasks, switching back and forth over and over again without realizing it. Kind of like if you were pressing Alt-Tab or Ctrl-Tab on your computer to switch between apps every few seconds. But trying to multitask makes it harder for you to concentrate, and it adds to your stress.

Even worse? Switching between tasks makes everything take longer. For example, juggling two tasks results in losing approximately 20 percent of your overall productivity, making it take longer to get both tasks done than if you’d just focused on one at a time.

When you sit down to focus on work, you need to make the most of that time, so it’s essential to focus on one thing at a time. When you focus on that one task, you’ll get it done faster and be able to move onto another one. And for that, you’ll need The Pomodoro Technique.

This productivity hack with a funny name solves the problem of how multitasking makes everything take longer. It forces you to focus on one thing at a time and gives your brain the consistent breaks it needs to be productive.

How to Do It

Here’s how it works:

1. Pick one task to focus on. Then set a timer for 25 minutes. You can use a kitchen timer, a timer on your phone, or try a special Pomodoro app like Focus Booster.
2. Work on that one task until your time’s up. Don’t check Facebook, don’t get the kids a snack – just focus on that one task.
3. Take a short break, like 5-10 minutes. And live it up! Listen to a favorite podcast, do a few yoga poses, or crank up the music on your noise-cancelling headphones and host a one-person dance party. Follow whatever rabbit hole your heart desires. If your child is young and you don’t have a partner who’s overseeing the childcare while you focus, you could use this break to go and check in on your child and fill their tank by reading a quick picture book or coloring with them (see strategy #4 above).
4. Repeat steps 1-3. Then every fourth time, replace step 3 with a longer 10- or 15-minute break. This would be a good spot to check back in with your child and fill their tank (see strategy #4).

The breaks may feel silly at first because you’re anxious to make the most of your focused work time, but you are not a computer. You are not designed to run at high speeds being super productive for long stretches of time.

This strategy helps you get more done because it’s designed around how the brain works best. And the brain needs breaks.

Bottom line: Focus on one task at a time using The Pomodoro Technique so that you get your work done more quickly and minimize stress.

10. Set a Timer

Before you head off to a focused work session, try setting a timer to communicate to your child when you’ll be done and joining them again. Even young kids can understand the concept of a timer counting down.

You can use an old-school kitchen timer, set a timer on your oven or microwave, or set up a tablet or other mobile device in a visible spot with the screen locked on a timer app.

How to Do It

First, show your child the timer and explain that you’ll be available when the timer dings. This might take some repetition until your child trusts that when the timer goes off you actually will be back, so here are a few tips to help:

• Hand the timer over to your child and put them in charge of telling you when time’s up. Your kid will love the opportunity to boss you around.
• Set your kid up with their “Choose Your Own Adventure” activity before you start the timer. (See strategy #7 above.)
• Teach your child this phrase: “One thing at a time.” When my preschooler interrupts me in the middle of a Pomodoro session (see strategy #9), I ask, “How many things can Mommy do at a time?” She answers, “One thing at a time.” Then I explain the one thing I’m doing, point to the timer, and remind her that when it dings, I’ll be all hers. Bonus: The importance of focusing on one thing at a time is an excellent life lesson for kids to learn, too.
• Say you’ll need to restart the timer. If your kids are interrupting you a lot and just not getting the point, you can explain that you’ll need to start the timer all over again, which means it will take longer before you can give them your full attention. No need to whip out your stern voice. Just tell it like it is and let them decide: They can keep interrupting you so you restart the timer, or they can leave you alone and get you at the end of the time.

But this is the key: You must stop when the time is up. If you keep going, your kids will lose trust in the timer system, and they’ll start bugging you more and more while you’re trying to focus.

Bottom line: Set a timer before you head off to a work session to communicate to your kids how long they’ll have to wait.

11. Make Screen Time Count

Sticking your child in front of a screen all day typically backfires because then you have to deal with the “screen time zombie effect” later on when they’re finally off screens – which depending on the kid means they’ll be quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

Many work-from-home parents find that what works best is to save screen time for the most important times when you need to focus with absolutely no interruptions – like when you have a conference call or you’re trying to meet a deadline. Also, consider setting a timer for screen time so you communicate a clear boundary for when it will end (see strategy #10 above).

With that said, all screen time is not created equal.

Research shows that fast-moving animation or video leads to attention issues in children, and those kids get bored by real-life activities more easily. On the other hand, educational and slower-paced screen time doesn’t have the same negative effects.

In other words, a child who played Fortnite for an hour straight will come off screen time a lot crankier than a child who watched a one-hour nature documentary.

“The quality of what children watch on screens is more important than how much they watch.”

Susan Friedman, National Association for the Education of Young Children

How to Do It

In light of the impact different kinds of screen time will have on your child, here are a few tips to help you make the most of this powerful tool for working from home with kids in tow:

• Sit down with your child and watch an old Mister Rogers episode, or play LEGOs or make art while the episode plays in the background. Then pay attention to your child. This slow-paced children’s show tends to put many kids in a sort of calm trance, and when the episode is over, they aren’t moody like they tend to be after other kinds of television. If your child seems to chill out a bit while watching, consider adding a Mister Rogers episode to your daily rhythm (see strategy #8 above). Guilt-free screen time? Check!
• Set your child up with a kid-friendly documentary during a Choose Your Own Adventure time (see strategy #7). Here are a few excellent documentaries my kids have enjoyed:
  • The Biggest Little Farm – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Chasing Coral – available on Netflix here
  • The Elephant Queen – available on Apple TV+
  • March of the Penguins – available to rent on Amazon here
  • A Reindeer’s Journey – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Spellbound – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Walking with Dinosaurs – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Several documentaries on Disneynature have activity packets you can download as a supplement to the documentary
• My kids love watching short video adaptations of children’s books. You can purchase these story time videos on Apple TV, or some libraries participate in Kanopy Kids so you can get free access to a whole bucketload of them. After you log into Kanopy and go to the Kanopy Kids section, look for the “Story Time” category. (Side note: You’ll also get access to lots of kid-friendly documentaries through Kanopy!)
• Let a famous actor read aloud to your child. Through Storyline Online, you can access free videos of actors reading children’s books aloud.
• Children’s book author Kate Messner put together an amazing resource of videos with authors reading aloud, leading kids through art activities, and more. She’s done the hard work of finding all the awesomeness, so you just need to queue up a few of the videos for your child to watch.
• Let your child FaceTime or Skype a relative. For example, if their grandparents are retired, set your child up so they can make a video call and chat. The grandparents will be happy, and your child will be entertained for a bit!
• When it comes to apps and games, some are better than others for staving off the screen time zombie effect. Here’s a list of the best educational apps for kids that won’t make them moody and unruly afterwards.
• If your child wants to play a fast-moving app or game, set a timer or an app time limit to keep the amount of time reasonable and minimize the negative effects. For example, on iOS devices, you can use the Screen Time settings to configure a time limit for specific apps.

Bottom line: Choose the best kind of screen time for your child so that you don’t end up with behavior issues to deal with later on when you rejoin the family after a work session.

12. Remember Three Is a Magic Number

Let’s say your kids are set up with a sneakily educational activity (see strategies #7 and 11 above) that will keep them busy for at least 30 minutes (strategy #9).

But when you finally sit down to focus on work, your mind buzzes with All The Things. You feel the pressure of the gabazillion tasks you need to get done right now, but you know you have limited time so you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. So instead, you end up just checking email or doing the easy tasks that aren’t important and won’t move the needle.

The solution? MITs. Otherwise known as Most Important Tasks.

Your MITs will give you a roadmap for your work day. If you end up with a few extra minutes where your kids are distracted and quiet, you’ll know exactly what to work on. You won’t end up wasting your precious focus time, floundering around trying to decide what to do.

You’ll feel infinitely better about how much work you’re getting done, plus when you sit down to work you’ll be focused on your top priorities instead of getting distracted by the chime of the latest Facebook notification.

How to Do It

Every morning, this is the first thing you should do before you check email or read the news:

1. Pull out your to-do list.
2. Pick the three tasks that are most important to get done that day, and jot them down. Just three! Or if you prefer, you can pick your MITs the night before. But pick the three things that must happen today.

I can hear you right now. “Uhhh…three? Just THREE?!?”

To be clear, after you get your MITs out of the way, you can always do more. But don’t even pick out any of those “bonus” tasks until after you’ve finished your MITs first. Because when your list has more than three items on it, you’ll waste time trying to decide what you’ll do first, and you’re more likely to bounce back and forth between tasks. That means you’ll lose time to context switching, which will make everything take longer to get done.

Keep in mind that MITs should be tasks, not huge projects. More along the lines of “Write email to boss” and not “Plan next 5 years of product launches.” For example, here are my MITs from the day I finished writing this post:

1. Write section about MITs
2. Reply to student who needs help accessing time management course
3. Finish list of activities for kids at home that will keep them happy + busy + learning

I did the first two with my morning tea before the kids were awake (see strategy #3 above), then I picked away at the third throughout the day. But because I’d already gotten the two Most Important Tasks done early on, the pressure was off, and later in the day, I was able to focus without feeling overwhelmed.

You’ll have a new set of MITs every day, so feel free to use whatever works: a Post-It note, your phone, or the back of a Costco receipt.

Bottom line: Before you do anything else each morning, pick your three Most Important Tasks for the day and jot them down. Then when you get time to focus, do your MITs first.

The Best Apps + Tools for Working From Home With Kids

Below, you’ll find a quick run-down of the most essential tools if you need to work from home with children in tow. You certainly can make it work without everything on this list, but if you’re looking to optimize your work-from-home setup, these tools are worth it!

• A time-tracking app – One of the dangers of working from home with kids is constantly feeling like you’re not getting enough work done or working enough hours. To combat that, I highly recommend to all my time management students that you use a time-tracking app. Not only will the timer of an app help keep you focused on the task at hand, you’ll be able to see exactly how much focused work time you’re getting in during the day and make adjustments if necessary. But more often than not, my students find that they’re actually working more than they realized, which eliminates that unnecessary guilt.
  My pick: Toggl. I’ve used just about every time-tracking app known to mankind, and this one does everything you need and is available on several different platforms. Plus, they have a free version.
• Noise-canceling headphones – These are a lifesaver! When you can hear every little noise your kids are making, it’s near impossible to give your work your full attention. And when you can’t focus, everything will take longer to get done, keeping you away from your kids longer and increasing the chances they’ll interrupt you.
  My pick: Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones 700 or TaoTronics Active Noise Cancelling Headphones. The Bose headphones are expensive, but they work like magic. If cost is an issue, ask if your company can reimburse you for the headphones. Otherwise, the TaoTronics earbuds are more cost effective and still work great.
• Baby monitor – If your kids are on the younger side or if they tend to get into mischief when you’re not around, invest in a high-quality baby monitor and one or two cameras. Set the cameras up in the main areas where your kids will be hanging out like the living room or kitchen, then set the monitor to automatically switch between the two camera views and put the monitor on your desk in your peripheral vision. If your child yelps or screams for some reason, most monitors will light up to catch your attention, which is helpful if you have noise-canceling headphones on. Also, you can glance over and take a quick peek as often as you want to make sure everyone’s still where you expect them to be.
  My pick: Infant Optics DXR-8. We’ve had this baby monitor for years, and it’s still going strong. It’s even survived a few drops to the hardwood floor!
• Smart doorbell camera – Consider getting a smart doorbell so you can rest assured that no one is knocking on the door while you’ve got your headphones on. Just set up the app to give you an alert if someone’s at the door so that you see it while you’re working.
  My pick: Eufy Video Doorbell or SimpliSafe. Go with the Eufy if you just want a doorbell because it has lots of features and is cost-effective, but if you want a home security system, we love our SimpliSafe system.
• Headset – If you’ll be on an important video call and you’re worried your kids will screech and scream and turn the TV volume up to the max, most noise-cancelling headphones can handle your audio needs, but you can also get a high-quality headset. Headsets typically don’t pick up on as much of the background noise as the built-in microphone on your laptop or your headphones.
  My pick: Jabra Evolve 75. As with the noise-canceling headphones, ask if your company can reimburse you for the headset.
• Wi-fi router – If you haven’t replaced your wi-fi router in a while, you might not be getting the best speed and performance you could be. This is especially important if you do a lot of video calls or events.
  My pick: TP-Link Archer AC4000.
• Desk and chair – Duh, right? But you’d be amazed what an ergonomic desk setup will do for your productivity! Before I got real office furniture, I didn’t realize how much being hunched over my laptop in a not-so-ergonomic chair was impacting my focus. It’s hard to do your best work when your back hurts and you have to squint at your tiny laptop screen.
  My pick: A desk with adjustable legs like the IKEA GERTON + OLOV combo package and for the chair, I splurged on the Herman Miller Aeron and never looked back. I used to have a budget office chair at a previous job and my back always hurt at the end of the day. But when I was ready to invest in a high-quality chair I saved up for the Herman Miller, and it was well worth it.
• Laptop stand or external monitor – If you have a laptop, it’s best to use a stand to raise your laptop and avoid straining your neck. Or as another option, you can hook up to an external monitor to avoid eye strain too.
  My pick: Rain Design iLevel 2 or the HP 27q monitor. I used to have a laptop stand then upgraded to this external monitor (plus a Bluetooth keyboard and mouse trackpad), and now I refuse to do any work on my laptop at home without hooking up to my full setup.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet: Working From Home With Kids

Print this cheat sheet right now as a handy reminder of the best advice for working from home with kids so that you can keep your kids busy + happy while you get your work done.

Remember: Even if all you do is use one strategy from this list, you’ll see an impact. And the more you can implement, the better the results you’ll see.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Keep your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on your desk or your nightstand.
4. Try one. Pick one strategy to try for a few days to see how it fits your personality and your family. If at any point you notice your frustration increasing or that you’re not able to get the work done that you need to, revisit the cheat sheet and pick another strategy to try.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

What’s your best advice for working from home with kids? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Work From Home With Kids—Without Losing It appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

After I tuck my kids into bed every night, I collapse on the couch, close my eyes, and sigh.

Unfortunately, with four kids, I get about 2.7 seconds of peace before one of them asks for another drink of water, needs an extra hug, or remembers a month-long school project that’s due tomorrow.

But after a few turns on the bedtime merry-go-round, I can finally sink back into the couch.

That’s when the replay of our day starts in my head. It’s like a 10x sped-up video, but every time my mouth opens to say something to my kids, the video slows down so I can hear myself.

“Put your shoes away.”
“Your room is a mess!”
“Stop bugging your sister.”
“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet?”

My own personal highlight reel of nagging and negativity, directed at the people I love most in the world.

The weight of my words crushes my chest, and my mind scrambles to remember: when did I say something loving, something sweet, anything positive?

Was I so focused on treading water in a neverending sea of parental to-dos – getting snacks, folding laundry, mediating sibling squabbles – that I forgot to tell my children how much I love them?

My kids deserve better. They deserve to hear every single day that no matter what road bumps we hit, I feel lucky to be on this lifelong road trip with them.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of the 75 most powerful positive words for kids, plus three important pitfalls to avoid when it comes to positive things to say to your child.

But Here’s the Problem

It’s heartbreaking to think that your child’s last thought after you tuck them in at night and before they fall asleep may be: Is Mommy mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Does Daddy still love me?

What’s more, lack of connection with your child also leads to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to clean their toys up, to help empty the dishwasher, or to stop chewing their food like a cow with a megaphone.

But as parents in today’s world, we have a lot on our plates. Because of that, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in the daily struggles of parenting that you forget to stop and tell your child how much you love them.

When you have too much to do and too little time to do it, you’re in survival mode not nurturing mode. And those positive sayings for kids like “You’re important to me” and “I love you to the moon and back” that our children crave from us? They go unsaid.

How Important Is It to Share Positive Words for Kids?

Recently, I came across this quote from a doctor and author who specializes in childhood development and trauma:

“Love felt by the parent does not automatically translate into love experienced by the child.”

Dr. Gabor Maté

In other words, those positive messages for kids don’t work when you just think them to yourself after your kids are tucked into bed. You need to actually say them out loud.

I realized it was time for a change.

Because the research is crystal clear that when kids feel warmth and affection from their parents, that has a life-long positive impact on the child.

Not only do kids with affectionate parents do better in school and develop a healthy self-esteem, they also end up emotionally happier and less anxious as adults. Parental warmth even has an impact on your child’s physical health.

And so the important question is: When you’re busy and overwhelmed and just impaled your left foot on a stray LEGO, how can you remember to say out loud all the positive things you should say to your child to remind them of your unconditional love?

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

Here’s a Quick Fix for Every Busy Parent

This is easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of parenting life, so I decided to set up a visual cue. Something to serve as a gentle reminder for me to switch out of survival mode a few times a day and fill my children’s tank with unconditional love.

Because when you’re trying to stick to a habit, research shows that a visual cue can remind you of your intention when you’re most likely to forget it.

For example:

• If you set a goal to eat healthier, you could leave a neon bright Post-It Note on your fridge to remind yourself that “Snack = veggies only.”
• Or if you wanted to stick to an exercise routine every morning, you could set your workout clothes on your nightstand the night before.

For my visual cue, I made a nice printable list of all the positive things to say to your child to show them you love them. I can stick this list of positive words for kids on my fridge, tape it to my bathroom mirror, or leave it on the driver’s seat of my car as a reminder every time we get in the car to go somewhere.

Below, you can get this free printable list of positive messages for kids as a visual cue for yourself.

Related: 7 Best Family Bonding Games That Will Help You Reconnect Quickly

75 Most Powerful Positive Sayings for Kids

Get your free printable list of the most powerful positive words for kids here right now. Then every time you see your printable list, say one of these positive messages for kids to make your child feel absolutely loved.

Don’t forget to grab the printable so you also get the list of three important pitfalls to avoid when it comes to delivering these positive sayings for kids!

A quick caveat: You won’t find phrases like “You’re so smart” to praise your child’s abilities on this list because that kind of praise can undermine your child’s motivation and even foster narcissism in your child. To learn more, check out Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student. (Hint: It’s not “You’re so smart.”)

1. You are important to me.
2. I love spending time with you.
3. You make me smile.
4. The world is better with you in it. (This phrase is featured on our sweet I Love You Bookmarks. Get the whole set so that every time your child reaches for one, they’ll feel absolutely loved.)

5. I feel so lucky to be your mom/dad.
6. I’m proud of the person you are.
7. I love you from your toes to your nose to where your hair grows! (For extra giggles, touch your child’s toes when you say “toes,” their nose when you say “nose,” and the top of their head when you say the last line! For more funny ways to say “I love you,” check out 50 Meaningful + Cute Ways to Say “I Love You” to Your Child.)
8. You are beautiful to me, inside and out.
9. I thought of you today when… (Finish with a specific time during the day that you thought of your child.)
10. I like you. (Even if you say “I love you” regularly, does your child know you like them too?)
11. Sometimes if I’m feeling sad, just thinking of you makes me feel better.
12. You can always talk to me, even if it’s about something that makes you nervous or scared or sad.
13. I love to watch you… (Then give an activity your child enjoys, like play soccer, get wrapped up in reading a book, make art, play your clarinet, and so on.)
14. You make my heart feel full.
15. I appreciate when you… (Finish with a specific example of something your child does that’s helpful or kind.)
16. You’re one of a kind.
17. I care about you more than you can imagine.
18. I’m grateful that you’re in my life.
19. I love your insides and your outsides!
20. I’m here for you, no matter what happens.
21. I’d love to hear what you think about… (Then ask your child’s opinion on something that matters, like what to have for dinner, what to do on the weekend, where to go on your next family vacation, and so on.)
22. I noticed you working hard on… (Finish with a specific example when you noticed your child pushing themselves to learn or grow or finish something.)
23. I believe in you.
24. I saw when you… (Then give a specific example of your child doing something helpful or kind.)
25. I love you no matter what. (This one is made even more special if you first read the beautiful children’s book No Matter What† together!)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

26. I love hearing your ideas.
27. You make a difference in my life.
28. I love seeing the world through your eyes.
29. Seeing you happy makes me happy.
30. You matter to me.
31. I hope you have an awesome day today.
32. Anytime you need help, I’m here for you.
33. I love you just the way you are.
34. You are a precious treasure to me.
35. I respect you and your opinions.
36. We’re a team, you and me.
37. I love being your mom/dad.
38. Sometimes I look at you and think back to when you were younger, and… (Finish with a specific memory of when your child was younger.)
39. There’s only one you in the world.
40. I love your laugh/smile.
41. Nothing would ever make me stop loving you.
42. It’s you I like. Every part of you. (Perfect for fans of Mister Rogers!)
43. You’re an important part of this family.
44. It’s exciting to watch you grow up.
45. I’m so grateful you’re my daughter/son.
46. You can always come to me, no matter what.
47. I love you more than… (Then give a specific example like more than all the stars in the sky, more than all the fish in the sea, more than cupcakes love sprinkles, and so on – feel free to come up with silly examples too!)
48. I will always be there for you.
49. Being your parent is my favorite part of life.
50. You are special to me.
51. Thank you so much for doing… (Finish with a specific example of an action your child took.)
52. You make life fun.
53. I love being around you, no matter what we’re doing.
54. You are my favorite 5-year-old.
55. I love you to the moon and back. (Or you can take this one step further by adding on, like “I love you to the moon, past the end of our solar system, to the next galaxy over and to every other galaxy in the universe, to the alien planet no one knows about yet, and all the way back home.”)
56. I’m a fan of you. (This one is inspired by our favorite pick for family movie night, We Bought a Zoo.)
57. I love when we learn something new together.
58. I’m never too busy for you.
59. You light up my day.
60. That was a kind decision when you… (Then give a specific example of something your child did that was kind.)
61. I have fun when I’m with you.
62. I love you more than French fries. (Or insert your favorite food like pizza or cupcakes.)
63. Seeing you smile makes me smile.
64. You’ll never get in trouble for talking to me about something that’s bothering you.
65. I feel blessed to have you in my life.
66. You inspire me to be a better person.
67. Even if I’m feeling frustrated about something, I still love you.
68. I love the way your mind works.
69. You make me happy, just by being you.
70. I wouldn’t trade you for a million gabazillion dollars.
71. I love you when… or… (Finish with two very different examples, like “I love you when you feel brave or scared” or “I love you when you’re serious or silly.” The inspiration for this one came from the sweet children’s book called The I Love You Book.)
72. I miss you when we’re apart. (Or you can go for the over-the-top version, “I miss you when I blink,” which is also the name of a funny memoir from a mom about trying to do it all).
73. You can always tell me the truth, even if you’re scared to, and I will still love you.
74. I wish I didn’t have to go to work so we could stay home together and play all day!
75. I will love you always and forever.

Related: 150 Conversation Starters for Kids That Will Make You Closer Than Ever {Printable}

But First, Beware of This Gotcha

Visual cues have one weakness. After a while, they become wallpaper.

In other words, after you get used to seeing the cue in your environment, the cue stops reminding you. And this list of positive words for kids is not immune to this phenomenon.

But there’s a simple fix: When the cue stops catching your eye, just move it to a different spot.

Here are a few different places you can put this free printable list of positive sayings for kids. When the list starts blending into the background, move it to a new place from this list.

• The fridge
• A door
• The bathroom mirror
• The dinner table
• The driver’s seat of your vehicle
• As a bookmark for whatever book you’re currently reading – your own personal reading material or a read-aloud chapter book you’re using at bedtime with your child
• On your nightstand
• Inside your kitchen pantry
• Laid inside a drawer you open frequently, like in your dresser or bathroom vanity
• On the kitchen counter – for example, next to your coffee maker

Plus, here’s a bonus idea I love for an extra reminder: Change your password to one of these positive sayings for kids every few days. Then whenever you enter your password, it will be a reminder to say those positive words out loud to your child.

For example, you could change your password to URImportant2Me! to represent the phrase you are important to me.

Related: 110 Powerful Compliments for Kids to Boost Their Self-Worth {Printable}

The Best Times to Use These Positive Words for Kids

Let’s say you’ve received your free printable list of positive words for kids, and you hung it in a prominent spot in your home as a visual cue. Awesome!

But…now what? These are all beautifully positive things to say to your child, but when do you say them?

Here are a few ideas for how to work these positive messages for kids into your days:

• Surprise your child by saying their name out of the blue, then saying a phrase – bonus points if you bend down and get on their eye level first
• Pick a different phrase to say at bedtime every night while tucking your child in – say it with a smile or whisper it while you give a big bear hug
• If you’ve had a moment of disconnection like a disagreement or power struggle, deliver one of these phrases with a hug, back rub, or pat on the shoulder
• Write a phrase down and leave it for your child to find – a slip of paper in your child’s school lunchbox, a Post-It note on the bathroom mirror, a notecard on their pillow, and so on
• When you notice your child seems sad or upset, say one of these phrases
• If you notice your child struggling with something like homework or learning something new, encourage them with one of these positive sayings for kids

Related: 10 Children’s Books That Will Make Your Kids Feel Absolutely Loved

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet: 75 Positive Words for Kids

Use this cheat sheet of positive things to say to your child to help you remember to show your unconditional love for your child – even when life is busy.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section earlier in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
4. Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

What are your favorite positive words for kids? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Every evening, my husband makes dinner while I bounce our youngest on my hip and field the older kids’ requests – the 11-year-old needs me to sign a field trip form, the first grader wants to know how to spell “donuts,” and the preschooler asks for a pre-dinner snack, doesn’t like my answer, and throws an epic tantrum.

In between all that, my husband and I do our best to keep a grown-up conversation going.

He’ll be telling me about something frustrating that happened during his day, but with all the interruptions, I end up saying, “What was that?” approximately 57 times just to understand one story.

Or I’ll be explaining how in the school pickup line, one car looked broken down – then when I drove past it, I looked over and saw the dad in the driver’s seat catching up on some apparently much-needed sleep. But I never get to the punch line because two of the kids decide to have a screaming contest.

So most of the time, we just give up on grown-up conversation until it’s time to sit down to dinner.

But You Know How That Goes…

At dinner, we bring out some special conversation starters so we can reconnect with the kids.

This little set of family conversation starters is our number one favorite trick for getting our whole family talking, thinking, and laughing together.

And all that is awesome, except for one thing.

When dinner is over, my husband and I still haven’t been able to reconnect as a couple and have a grown-up conversation without the kids interrupting.

Then the Parental Marathon Starts

From the moment we all get up from the dinner table and until the kids are in bed, my husband and I are chasing down clean jammies, engaging in power struggles over brushing teeth, nagging the kids to stop splashing water outside the tub, and on and on.

We can’t catch a breath. And that grown-up conversation we first started a couple hours ago? Still a no-go.

But by the time we tuck the kids into bed – and then tuck them in again and again – we collapse on the couch and can’t even remember the conversations we’ve been trying to have all evening.

It’s like after the whole homework-dinner-bedtime routine, our brains don’t work.

The kids used up every last coherent brain cell, and all that’s left of us is two empty shells who are capable of binging Brooklyn Nine Nine on Netflix and not much else.

But Here’s the Big Problem

In our former lives, my husband and I have both been through divorce. We know the consequences of not making time to reconnect as a couple – and we’re fierce in our resolve to keep our relationship strong.

And engaging in daily conversation – real uninterrupted grown-up conversation – is one of the best ways to keep your connection healthy and strong.

That’s because research shows that knowing your partner’s thoughts, life history, and feelings not only deepens your bond but also protects your relationship when stressful events or conflicts come into play. In fact, the number one determining factor in whether couples feel satisfied with their marriage is the quality of the couple’s friendship.

For example, in one study of couples after the birth of their first baby:

• 67 percent of couples experienced a decline in marital satisfaction, while
• The other 33 percent didn’t experience this decline.

But here’s the kicker: half of the couples in the second group experienced an improvement in their marriage – even while coping with the stress of having a newborn to take care of.

The difference? The couples who thrived went into the experience with a deep understanding of each other’s thoughts and feelings.

And that’s not something you can get done one day and check off your list for the rest of your lives. You’re both constantly growing and changing, so you need to stay updated on your partner’s world on a regular basis.

Because the research shows that couples who have engaging conversations every day are better able to handle the stress of parenting life and stay connected.

Related: How to Reconnect With Your Spouse Like Magic…Right Now {Printable}

So…How Can Two Busy Parents Make That Happen?

I knew we couldn’t keep letting our conversations fizzle out. We needed a way to reconnect quickly at the end of the day even when we were both exhausted.

So I went searching for the best conversation starters for couples on Amazon. I ordered two different sets, and when the first one arrived we busted it open that night and asked the first question.

But the first question was about as engaging as watching baby bottles drip-dry. So we skipped to the next question, and the next, and the next.

The questions were either boring, something you might ask in a job interview, or so cheesy I couldn’t bring myself to even read them out loud.

Then the next set from Amazon arrived, and those questions for couples were on par with the first set. I mean, “Describe your pediatrician when you were growing up”? Um, no.

Where were the conversation starters for real couples that would actually bring us closer together and help us reconnect after the daily stress of parenting life?

Which Questions for Couples Actually Work?

Those couple conversation starter duds made me realize I didn’t want just one random person’s idea of what makes for “fun” questions for couples. I wanted a set of conversation starters made up of questions designed specifically to help you reconnect as a couple.

So I set out on a quest to find out which conversation topics for couples will make you feel closer, according to the latest research on happy relationships that stand the test of time.

As I researched, I started keeping a list of questions for couples. Questions proven to strengthen your relationship and bring you closer together, even during busy or stressful times.

And after a few months of research, I had collected the 150 best conversation starters for couples. Not according to me, some random mom. But according to the experts who study successful and happy relationships.

150 Conversation Starters for Couples That Will Make Your Relationship Stronger Than Ever

You can get your set of the best conversation starters for couples here.

My husband and I have been using these questions for couples throughout the last couple years, since our youngest was born. Anytime we sense a disconnect, we’ll grab a question and ask it. Instant connection, every time.

The questions force us to slow down, look each other in the eye, and really listen to each other.

Sure, sometimes we have to kick the kids outside or sneak away to the bedroom for a few minutes just to have a chance of being able to hear each other’s answers.

But that’s a small price to pay for keeping our marriage healthy and strong.

What Makes These Conversation Topics for Couples Different?

These questions for couples are inspired by the latest research on how you can make your relationship last. And not just how you can make it “last” but how you can make your relationship thrive.

Specifically: What can bring you and your partner closer together? What will make your marriage a happy one? And how can you keep the flame burning – or spark it again if it’s gone out?

For example, here are a few tidbits from my research that informed which questions for couples made the final cut:

• Happy couples celebrate the happy moments, no matter how small, even when they’re going through hardships. That’s why you’ll find several questions in this set that will help you reflect on the positive and celebrate that together.
• Happy couples regularly try new things together^†. And so these questions for couples help you identify opportunities for making that happen, whether that means something big like taking ballroom dancing together or something small like trying a new taco food truck you’ve driven by a hundred times.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

• Happy couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds, including childhood memories, major life events, and secret hopes and dreams. Because of that, these couple conversation starters include questions to help you discover your partner’s history and what’s most important to them.

These couple conversation starters give you a practical way to put all the best expert advice on happy marriages to work in your daily life – without having to read a teetering stack of books on relationships. (I did that for you!)

Related: 7 Simple Things That Will Keep the Spark Alive When You’re a Tired Parent

How to Use Your Conversation Starters for Couples

To save you some time, these conversation starters are designed so you can print them on pre-perforated business card templates and just pop each one out (see below). But regular ol’ paper and scissors work just fine too.

1. Get your cards here. After you order, you’ll get a special link to save your cards to your device.
2. Print. I designed them to print on the Avery 8869 business card template. Or you can just print them on regular paper or card stock, then cut the cards out or fold and tear to get a charmingly casual look.
3. Pop the cards into an empty bowl or spare mason jar, put it somewhere visible like your nightstand, and you’re DONE. Or to take it one step further, you can hole-punch them in one corner and put the whole set on a book ring like this. That makes the cards super portable so you can throw them in your purse or your car for a long car ride.

8 Easy Ways to Use These Cards to Reconnect Immediately

In the last year, I asked several friends and extended family to help me beta test these conversation starters for couples and report back.

As it turned out, all those love experts really did know what they were talking about because these questions helped our beta test couples feel more connected and in tune with each other in just a few minutes a day.

But what surprised me is how many different ways people came up with to use these conversation starters for couples! Here are a few situations where you can use them for an emergency dose of couple connection:

1. Make pillow talk. Keep the cards on your nightstand or on your pillow, then ask a new question every night before bedtime. You can take turns asking the same question, or you can each ask a different question.
2. Send a text. Surprise your partner by texting them a question in the middle of the day. One caveat: If you know your partner will be in meetings or unavailable all day, best to skip this approach so you don’t feel like they’re ignoring you!
3. Go old school. Get a nice blank journal like this one that comes in tons of colors and several different paper styles like ruled, dotted, squared, or blank. Then pick one question a day and write the question and your answer down. After you write your answer, leave the journal on the pillow of your spouse to let them know it’s their turn. They can respond to your answer if they’d like, or just write their answer to the question.
4. Set a date. On your next date night, throw the cards in your purse. (Secure them with a binder clip or a rubber band first!) Then when you have a lull in the conversation, break out a question to make sure you don’t end up talking about how your kids are overdue for a checkup and that you need to pick up milk on the way home. By the way, if you struggle with what to do on date night because you’re always exhausted, here are the best date night ideas for parents.
5. Kick the kids out. Once a week, set up a kids’ table outside on your patio or throw a picnic blanket in the yard, then kick them out for dinner so you and your partner can enjoy a quiet(er) dinner inside and ask each other a couple questions from this set.
6. Pair with a game. After the kids are in bed, bust out a fun 2-person board game like Ticket to Ride or Carcassonne. Then when it’s not your turn, ask your partner a question. Because you’re not staring at each other while you trade questions and the person answering is also trying to take their turn, the answers tend to be straight from the heart without any overthinking.
7. Go for a ride. If you and your spouse share a commute, bring the cards along and ask a couple questions to pass the time. If you don’t commute together, bring them along on your next road trip or during weekend errands.
8. Fill a jar. Drop the cards into a mason jar or a bowl, and put it on display in the middle of your kitchen or living room. When you walk by and see the jar, grab a card and ask the question. This one works great for when you’re waiting for the Chromecast or Apple TV to fire up!

Sneak Peek! Here’s a Sample of the Best Conversation Starters for Couples

Here’s a sample of these 150 conversation starters for couples that will bring you closer together and help you reconnect – even when you’re exhausted by the daily grind of parenting life.

Get the full set of questions for couples here.

1. What’s your happiest memory of our time together?
2. If you could have a do-over for anything that happened today, would you? And how would you do it over?
3. What’s one time you felt proud of me? Why?
4. What’s something I do that makes you feel completely loved?
5. When you’re feeling stressed, what helps you relax?
6. What’s your favorite way for us to greet each other at the end of the day?
7. If we could take a day off from all obligations to spend the day together, what’s one thing you’d like to do?
8. When is the last time I did something that surprised you?
9. What’s your favorite thing to do together on a weekend morning?
10. What’s one new activity you’d like to try together?
11. What’s one thing that would make our next date night exciting?
12. When you picture our life in five years, what do you see?
13. What’s your favorite memory of us being intimate? (Yes, the cards include a few saucy questions for couples because that’s an essential part of keeping the flame alive!)
14. If we could jump in the car right now and take a road trip, where would you want to go?
15. What are you looking forward to?
16. What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you?
17. What’s the last thing that made you laugh?
18. What’s your favorite childhood memory?
19. What was your favorite family tradition growing up?
20. When was the last time I made you feel good about yourself?

References

Full disclosure: I might have gone a little overboard on my research, but I took it seriously because I’ve learned firsthand that you can’t take your marriage for granted and just expect it to survive the stresses of parenting and modern life.

Here are a few of the books I read to ferret out these powerful questions for couples:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
• For Better: How the Surprising Science of Happy Couples Can Help Your Marriage Succeed
• The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love
• What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
• A Book About Love
• 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It
• Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject (with the Help of 50,000 Strangers)
• The Art of Seduction
• The Science of Love
• Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being
• The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn’t, What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, but Does
• You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You’re Deluding Yourself

Those are the main books I reviewed, plus I scoured a ton of articles, blog posts, and research papers, too.

Get your copy now: The Best Conversation Starters for Couples

Your Turn

Do you have any favorite conversation starters for couples? Share in a comment below!

The post 150 Conversation Starters for Couples That Will Make You Feel Closer Than Ever appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Every afternoon, my living room floor used to look like someone dumped a toy store into a blender and pressed “GO” with the top off.

• LEGOs and Lincoln Logs
• A tea set and a baking set
• Superhero capes and masks
• Toy cars and fire trucks
• Stuffed animals and dolls
• So many doll clothes

As I walked through my house and saw that the toy clutter had infiltrated not only the living room but also the dining room, the kids’ bedrooms, and every nook and cranny possible, my chest felt tight.

Why can’t they put things away when they’re done playing?

Why do they have to spread the mess around the whole house?

And why can’t Mary Poppins and her clean-up magic be a real thing?

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free printable toy rotation kit including a step-by-step guide, toy inventory log, and a toy organization cheat sheet. You’ll have everything you need to say goodbye to toy clutter.

An Unfortunate Side Effect of Toy Clutter

With a baby on my hip, I’d bend over and pick up a couple toys. Squatting while holding a 25-pound butterball turkey isn’t a pleasant sensation, so seeing the toy clutter brought on frustration.

No kids in sight, but every single toy sure was. I tried to take a deep breath, but my nostrils stayed flared and I forgot to exhale.

“This house is a disaster!” I yelled to the kids upstairs. “It’s time to clean up!”

A couple heads peeked around the corner on the stair landing.

“C’mon down here now. I didn’t make this mess, so I shouldn’t have to clean it up.”

They loped down the stairs, their heads hung. They knew what was coming because at one point, it was happening nearly every day.

A full-fledged mom tantrum brought on by the sight of toys everywhere.

Something Had to Change

I wasn’t proud of how I lost my cool over my kids’ toy clutter.

Every time, my toy-clutter-induced tantrums would create a fracture in my relationship with my kids. And if I didn’t stop what I was doing to mend the fracture and repair the relationship, the disconnection would lead to less cooperation from my kids and more power struggles the rest of the day.

We couldn’t continue like that. I knew I needed to make a change.

It had to be possible for my kids to learn to pick up their toys after they were done – without me nagging them or losing my temper.

But everything I tried failed. And I didn’t realize until after my failures that I was missing the big picture.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

The Real Problem With Toy Clutter

First, I tried approaching my kids with the patience of June Cleaver and asking them to clean up their mess. Then we learned Daniel Tiger’s clean-up song and sang it together. I even tackled our toy room organization, labeling all the containers with pictures of which toys go in them.

All that helped a tiny bit, but the big problem remained: Toys ending up everywhere, me nagging the kids to clean it up, and me needing to supervise the whole process to make sure they didn’t get distracted or shove everything in a corner and call it done.

So I researched what the experts say about how to deal with toy clutter, and I realized that I had completely missed the root of the problem.

We didn’t need more toy room organization, and I didn’t need to grit my teeth and pretend to be June Cleaver or Daniel Tiger.

The real problem? Too many toys.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

How Having Too Many Toys Is Hurting Our Kids

My reaction to toy clutter wasn’t unique. In fact, research shows that clutter can hurt your mental well-being, especially for women. Visual clutter can also increase your levels of cortisol, a stress hormone.

When I stopped to think about it, that made perfect sense. And I realized that’s why my preschooler and toddler would just stand there, waiting for me to tell them what to do next.

My kids’ not-yet-fully-developed brains were just as overwhelmed by the mess as mine was, if not more. When I asked them to clean up, their brains were stewing in a stress hormone bath. They didn’t know where to start.

Even worse than that, I discovered that having too many toys was hurting my kids developmentally.

Because when kids have too many toys, they feel overwhelmed. They end up jumping around from toy to toy without ever getting fully engrossed in playing with one specific thing.

You might be thinking: So what? But it’s the experience of being engrossed in one toy that leads to real growth and development for your child.

It’s kind of like if you started 10 different books all at once and took turns reading a couple pages from each one. You’d never get fully immersed in any of the books, and you’d struggle to pull any significant life lessons or new knowledge from the reading.

And the clincher for me? I discovered that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 on a daily basis.

Whoa.

Here’s the Best Way to Organize Toys + Stop Toy Clutter

Still, it’s not like we had a bunch of junky old toys in our home that we just needed to get rid of. With four different kids at different developmental stages and with different tastes, preferences, and personalities, we had a healthy mix of toys.

It was just too much to have it out all at once.

So if a Great Toy Purge wasn’t the answer, how could we solve the problem of chronic toy clutter?

Thankfully, I found the one magic solution that would tackle it all at once: toy rotation.

If you haven’t heard of it before, toy rotation means periodically switching out the toys your child has available to play with so that only a few toys are out at any one time. Then you store the toys that aren’t currently in rotation out of the way, like in a closet, attic, or basement.

“As you decrease the quantity of your child’s toys and clutter, you increase their attention and their capacity for deep play.”

Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross, Simplicity Parenting^†

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Why Toy Rotation Is the Perfect Solution for Too Many Toys

When I first came across the idea of toy rotation, I was skeptical. I didn’t have time for another project. And I didn’t especially feel like dealing with the cries of protest when I told the kids I was putting 75 percent of their toys away.

But after reading about the benefits of toy rotation, I decided to give it a go. Check it out for yourself:

• Fewer toys out at one time cuts toy clutter way down. If visual clutter stresses you out, you may find that less toy clutter helps you stay calmer during the road bumps of daily parenting life.
• Having fewer toys makes cleaning up faster, and the faster clean-up process helps both parents and kids keep a fun Mary Poppins-esque attitude about the task. Also, it’s easier for kids to help clean up when the rotating toys have a specific “home” to return to.
• Decreasing the number of toys your child has access to will increase her ability to play independently and creatively. Because she’ll immerse herself deeper into the play experience with the fewer remaining toys, she’ll be able to focus better. Plus, kids tend to play longer and more creatively with fewer toys around. One more side benefit that surprised me: My kids started turning everyday objects into toys – wooden spoons became puppets (or microphones), scrap pieces of wood from the garage became toy laptops and phones, and pillows and blankets became forts. If you want your kids to learn to think outside the box, toy rotation is an excellent way to foster that.
• Setting up a toy rotation system gives you the perfect opportunity to declutter toys. You can get rid of broken toys, donate the toys your child has outgrown, and sometimes you’ll even give new life to an old toy. That’s because during the process, you may discover that one missing piece of a toy that you haven’t seen for months.
• Toy rotation fosters appreciation in your kids because they learn to appreciate the toys they have right now instead of taking for granted that they have access to any toy they want at any time. In many families, that translates to kids taking better care of their toys too.
• Rotating toys also stops your child from getting bored as easily. That’s because when it’s time for a new set of toys to come out, kids get excited and tend to get lost in play with the “new” toys for a long time. (Which means I can sneak a cat nap on the couch, score!) Then when they seem to lose interest in the current set of toys you have out, the solution is simple: just rotate to a new set.
• This surprised me, but toy rotation actually cut down on sibling scuffles over toys. When we had a smaller set of toys out at one time, our kids found creative ways to play together, and they were more considerate about taking turns and not hogging the toys. (My hunch is that when we had our mess of toys everywhere, the kids had decision overload and it was easiest to just go after what their sibling was already playing with.)

Get Your Copy Now: Free Printable Toy Rotation Kit

How to Get Started With Toy Rotation + Get Your Kids Excited For It

You can keep your toy rotation system simple and informal, or you can go for a more structured toy checkout system – kind of like a toy library at home. It’s completely up to you, so check out the steps below and do what resonates with you.

Below, I’ve tried to cover all the possible gotchas, so it looks like a lot but you can actually get the whole toy rotation system set up in less than a couple hours – maybe even an hour if you hustle.

Then after the initial setup, it’s super quick to rotate toys out. It probably takes me about 15 minutes every two or three weeks to rotate our toys. A small price to pay for an end to the overwhelming toy clutter on my living room floor!

Quick tip: For the best possible results, get my free printable toy rotation kit that includes a step-by-step guide, toy inventory log, and toy organization cheat sheet.

1. Gear Up

Estimated time: 5-15 minutes

Before you get knee-deep in toys while setting up your toy rotation system, you’ll be thankful to have already gathered a few helpful supplies.

I skipped this step the first time, so I found myself with my toy rotation system all ready to go…but with no way to keep it organized. So I had to interrupt my progress and go on a scavenger hunt for supplies.

Save yourself the trouble and find a few empty containers ahead of time. You’ll likely want 8-10 empty containers or so. They don’t need to match, so just find something that will work in the short term:

• Cardboard boxes
• Plastic tubs or bins, like these clear, stackable containers
• Large baskets

Along with the containers, grab a stack of scratch paper and tape or a stapler so you can label the containers when the time comes in a later step.

These won’t necessarily be the final containers for your toy rotation system, but they’ll be good enough until you figure out what you actually need later on.

Note: If you’re the type of person who likes to plan ahead, skip ahead to step 6 for what you’ll need for your final toy rotation containers, then come back here to get back on track.

2. Have a Heart-to-Heart

Estimated time: 5-15 minutes

If your child is older than a toddler, you’ll likely want to talk to them up front about what you’re about to do and why you’re doing it.

I made the mistake of skipping this step the first time I started toy rotation. Someone had suggested that I should just hide all the toys while my kids were sleeping, leave a few out, and they would be none the wiser.

Uh…wrong. Kids aren’t dummies, and I should have known better. My preschooler peppered me with questions every day afterwards: Where’s my horsey? Where’d my princess dress go? Mommy, I can’t find the Lincoln Logs!

After I explained what I’d done, I felt silly for not including the kids from the start, so we went back to square one and went through the process together as a family.

Here are a couple different approaches that might work for this conversation:

• I’m sorry I keep losing my temper over the toys being everywhere. Having stuff all over the place stresses me out. I know your toys are important to you, so I’d like to try taking turns with which toys we have out.
• I don’t enjoy asking you to clean up your toys, and I know you don’t like having to clean up a huge mess of toys everywhere. A friend of mine told me in their family, they swap out different toys every few days. That way, you never have a huge mess to clean up, and you get to play with different toys all the time. We’re going to try this and see how it goes in our house.

3. Round ‘Em Up

Estimated time: 15-30 minutes

After you get everyone on the same page, you’ll need to round up all the toys in one place. The good news is this is the last time you’ll have to deal with all the toys in one big mess again. Woo!

Pick one room to use as your Official Toy Rotation Headquarters. Then visit every other room in the house and gather up any toys you find to bring them to Headquarters.

Go ahead and include the kids in this step because it’s actually pretty fun to root out all the toys hiding throughout the house. Like a toy scavenger hunt!

4. Prep the Boxes

Estimated time: 5-15 minutes

Set up the empty containers that you gathered in step 1. Designate one box for each category:

• Trash – This is where broken, unrepairable toys will go.
• Donate – This is for any toys your child has outgrown or doesn’t love.
• (Optional) Save for later – For example, if you’re planning to have another baby one day but don’t have any little ones in the baby stage right now, you’d put baby toys in this category.

For the rest of your empty containers, you’ll be sorting toys based on how they support your child’s growth and development. Your goal will be to end up with several mini-collections of toys. You’ll want to make sure those mini-collections have a variety of toys to support different aspects of your child’s development.

If that sounds confusing, don’t worry – I’ll step you through it!

Warning: Don’t start sorting yet. For now, just familiarize yourself with the categories* you’ll be using:

• Moving toys – These toys help your child learn to use the big muscle groups of their body, also known as gross motor development. Examples: balls, ride-on toys, tricycles, jump ropes, play tunnels, push toys, balance stepping stones.
• Pretending toys – Pretend play toys encourage both social/emotional and language development because they help your child act out stories from their mind. Examples: kitchen sets, toy cars and garages, stuffed animals, dolls and dollhouses, dress-up clothes, animal figurines, tea sets, play silks, action figures, puppets.
• Thinking toys – These toys support a child’s cognitive development by fostering things like problem-solving, cause-and-effect reasoning, math skills like counting and patterning, curiosity, and more. These types of toys also tend to teach hand-eye coordination and support fine motor development, which means the ability to make movements using the small muscles in your hands, wrists, and fingers. Examples: LEGOs, Magna-Tiles, bristle blocks, Lincoln Logs, puzzles, nesting cups, stacking blocks, pattern blocks, shape sorters, board games.
• Creating toys – The process of open-ended creating helps kids relax, focus, feel successful, and learn to express their emotions. When your child uses arts, crafts, and music toys, they’re primarily growing social/emotional and fine motor skills. Examples: art supplies, play dough, craft sticks, musical instruments, rain sticks.
• (Optional) Other toys – Sometimes you won’t be sure which category a toy fits into, and that’s okay. This doesn’t have to be perfect. Go easy on yourself and set up a category for other types of toys you’re not sure where to put. Examples: Nerf guns (moving toys or pretending toys?), magic kit (pretending toys or thinking toys?), noisy electronic toys (trash? ha!).

* Thanks to Playful Learning and Green Child magazine for the category inspiration!

5. Sort And Purge

Estimated time: 30 minutes-1 hour, but it will vary greatly depending on how many toys you’re starting with

The sight of your Official Toy Rotation Headquarters right now might make you hyperventilate, so it’s time to fix that.

It’s up to you whether you include the kids in this step. Including them will likely make it go slower, but on the flip side, they’ll be a part of the process and start to learn the important life lesson of how to declutter toys and anything else.

You’ll probably find that you want to go faster during this step because you’ll just want to be DONE by this point. But try to resist that urge so you can be intentional and deliberate. Because if you speed through this, you’ll still end up with too many toys, and toy rotation will just be a Band-Aid for a little while.

This step has one very important rule. Pick up one toy at a time and ask yourself these questions:

1. Is this toy broken and un-fixable? Put it in Trash.
2. Has my child outgrown this toy? Put it in Donate or Save for later, depending on whether you have younger kids or plan to in the future.
3. Does my child get excited to play with this toy? Do they play with it on a regular basis? If not, put it in Donate.
   • This is where having your kids in the room with you can be helpful. If you pick up a toy and they snatch it out of your hands and immediately start playing with it, that’s a sign they actually do love the toy, but it got lost in the mix.
   • If they’re in the room with you, you might ask something like, “Do you want to play with this every single day?” If they don’t seem particularly gung-ho, you can follow up with, “Well, can we send this along to another kid who doesn’t have many toys to play with? Maybe it will be their new favorite.” Side note: It helps my kids swallow the pill of donating toys when we talk about how it might be just the perfect toy for a child who doesn’t have many toys.
   • If they’re not ready to let go, don’t stress. After you have your toy rotation system set up, you’ll be able to watch more closely and see what they actually do play with when they’re not overwhelmed by too many toys.
4. If the toy has passed all those tests, it’s time to sort it into your special categories: moving toys, pretending toys, thinking toys, creating toys, and other. (See the previous step for a refresher on which toys go where.)

Repeat this step one toy at a time until you have every single toy in a labeled box.

Done? Kick the kids outside to play and lock the room so the kids can’t wreak havoc before your toy rotation system is up and running, then move onto the next step.

6. Pick a Frequency

Estimated time: 5-10 minutes

At this point, the hardest part of your toy rotation system is done. Whew! So go raid your secret chocolate stash and spend a few minutes thinking about how often you’d like to rotate toys:

• Random – This is how we roll in our family. I rotate toys whenever the kids are having trouble entertaining themselves independently (i.e. lots of “I’m bored”s) or if the kids specifically ask for fresh toys. For the random approach, you’ll want a handful of permanent-ish boxes or plastic containers to hold your final toy collections (more on that in the next step). Some people group their toys into 3 containers, and some people have 10, so it’s completely up to you. You can use cardboard boxes, and that’s how we started out too. But cardboard boxes may not stand up well over time, and it’s hard to see what’s inside each one without opening it up. That’s why we switched to using these clear, stackable containers. Pro tip: Get stackable containers that will fit wherever you’ll be storing your toy collections when not in rotation – like a closet, attic, or basement.
• Weekly – Pick a day of the week to rotate toys, and get 4 containers to hold your toy collections.
• Daily – Some parents like to swap out toy collections every day. This typically works best for stay-at-home parents with younger kids because when you give the kids new toys every day, that lets you get away with other important stuff that needs to be done like laundry, dishes, and scrubbing your toddler’s “art” off the walls. If daily sounds like the right fit to you, you’ll want to get 7 containers – one for each day of the week.

Not sure which way to go? Get 4 containers as a starting point, and you can always add or subtract later.

7. Play Matchmaker

Estimated time: 30-45 minutes

Now that you have all the toys categorized and your empty containers ready to go, it’s time to match toys up for maximum fun and learning (and quiet time so you can play Candy Crush uninterrupted while your kids are busy).

Your goal in this step is to end up with a few toy collections that include at least one toy from each category: moving toys, pretending toys, thinking toys, creating toys, and other. (See step 4 for more on the categories.)

For example, one toy collection might include a jump rope (moving), Wonder Woman action figures and superhero dress-up clothes (pretending), LEGOs (thinking), and paper and crayons (creating). Side benefit: The kids will start using the toys in new and fresh ways. The jump rope may become Wonder Woman’s truth lasso, and the LEGOs may become the new Justice League headquarters.

To start playing toy matchmaker, grab an empty container and pick one sorted toy from each category to add to your fresh new toy collection. Ideally, you’ll want to end up with 10-12 toys in each toy collection.

A few gotchas to be aware of with your curated toy collections:

• If you have a lot of toys to start with, you might end up adding a couple toys from each category in each toy collection.
• If you find that you have more than about 10-12 toys in each collection, you may want to split some toys out for another collection. Your goal is to give your child a well-curated collection of a few toys so they can deepen their play experience. If your toy collection has too many toys, you’ll end up back where you started with overwhelmed kids and a mess of toy clutter.
• If your child freaks out at the idea of one of their favorite toys going bye-bye, no need to be a stickler for the rules and cause emotional trauma. If your kid has a favorite toy they play with every day, you can make an exception and leave that one out all the time. Your goal is to fix the toy overwhelm and help your child get the most out of a few toys, and making an exception or two won’t undermine that.
• You may find it helpful (and fun) to try to keep toys along the same theme together. For example, if you have a train set and a Thomas the Train puzzle, those would be great to pair up. That way, when you get the train set out, your child won’t beg for the train puzzle (or vice versa) and throw a wrench in your toy rotation system.

When all toys have found their new homes, consider labeling the containers with what’s inside. Quick tip: If you got clear plastic containers, sometimes dry-erase markers will work on those.

As a bonus for joining my weekly-ish newsletter, you can get a free printable toy inventory sheet at the end of this post (or with that link right there). This inventory sheet is perfect for jotting down which toys are in each container so that when it comes time to rotate, you can round everything up quickly.

8. Display + Hide the Rest

Estimated time: 5-10 minutes

Pick one of the toy collections to start with, then hide the rest of the containers. This is important because if you put the rest of the “not in rotation” containers somewhere your kids can see them, they’re going to bug you incessantly to get more toys out.

You might hide the toy containers in a closet, garage, basement, attic, or even under the bed. Just make sure that the kids won’t be able to easily get into the toy collections because that will create a big jumbled mess of toys.

As for your currently featured toy collection, you can handle that a couple different ways:

• Some parents just plop the container on the living room floor and let the kids have at it. (That’s me!)
• Other parents like to get the current set of toys out of the container and place them thoughtfully around the child’s bedroom or playroom. For example, you might put a puzzle out on the kids’ play table, set up Magna-Tiles and farm animal figurines on the floor, and lay dress-up clothes out on their bed.

9. Rotate

Estimated time: 5-10 minutes

Depending on the frequency you chose in step 6, you may want to set yourself a reminder on your phone or whatever calendar you use so you don’t forget to rotate the toys when the time comes.

Or you can do what I do: I just rotate toys when the kids seem to be bored with the current set – or when they ask for different toys.

To rotate, you’ll round up the toys from the current toy collection and put them back in the container, then get a new container out with a new toy collection. This is where labeling your containers can be helpful because rounding up the current toys will go faster if you have a list for yourself. (Don’t forget to grab my free printable toy rotation kit, which includes an inventory sheet that’s perfect for this step.)

Some folks recommended that I rotate toys while my kids were sleeping so they wouldn’t get upset at “losing” the old toys. I did this the first couple times, but I felt like I was trying to pull the wool over my kids’ eyes. That wasn’t a good fit for us.

My toddler understands the idea of going on vacation, so I explained that the old toys were going on “vacation” and she would see them again soon. After that quick explanation, she had zero problems with toy rotation day. With that said, every kid is different, so go with your gut when it comes to handling the actual toy rotation.

Common Questions About Toy Rotation + Answers for You

If you’re thinking of trying out toy rotation in your home, odds are you have a few questions about how to make it work for you and your kids.

Below, you’ll find answers to these common questions parents have about getting started with toy rotation and making it a success:

• What counts as “one” toy? Is a LEGO set one toy?
• What’s the ideal number of toys to have in each toy rotation box?
• What if I have more than one child?
• What about “big” toys like dollhouses and play kitchens?
• What should I do with old toys my kids don’t play with anymore?
• What if my child asks for a specific toy that’s not in rotation?
• What about when we get an influx of new toys, like for Christmas and birthdays?
• What’s the best way to store the current collection of toys in rotation?
• How do I know if it’s time to rotate toys?
• What should I do with seasonal or holiday-specific toys?
• What if my toy rotation boxes don’t have many toys for a certain category?

What counts as “one” toy? Is a LEGO set one toy?

Yes! One toy could be a LEGO set, or it could be a set of animal figurines for pretend play, or it could be a couple coloring books with a box of crayons.

If you happen to have a lot of one type of toy, like a gabazillion LEGO sets, you might want to divide them up a little so you have LEGOs in a couple different toy rotation boxes. Same goes for play food, dress-up clothes, and so on.

What’s the ideal number of toys to have in each toy rotation box?

That will depend on a lot of factors: how many toys you’re starting with, how often you plan to rotate toys, whether your kids play with the same toys or are at wildly different stages, and so on.

But in general, 10-12 toys in each toy rotation box seems to provide a good amount of variety without creeping into toy overwhelm territory. This isn’t about depriving our kids from enriching play experiences – just about helping them focus and avoid the overwhelm that undermines the best play experience.

Here’s an interesting little tidbit about the guideline of 10-12 toys that may set your mind at ease: The average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 on a daily basis. So even if you put more toys in each toy collection, your child may not be capable of playing with that many toys.

What if I have more than one child?

If your kids are in vastly different developmental stages (like a tween and a toddler), you may want to include a few more toys in your toy rotation boxes to make sure you have a variety to meet everyone’s interests and needs. So instead of 10-12 toys in each toy collection, you might have 14-16.

We have a 10-year-old, 5-year-old, 3-year-old, and infant, so the baby always gets a few of his own toys in each toy rotation box. But aside from that, the older kids play together well with the same toys. For example, they can spend an hour or more building with Magna-Tiles and using animal figurines for pretend play – It’s an aquarium! It’s a zoo! It’s a rescue ranch for fairy tale animals like the three little pigs!

What about “big” toys like dollhouses and play kitchens?

Shoving a dollhouse into an under-the-bed plastic container ain’t gonna happen. So don’t stress about hiding the big stuff like that.

You can leave the big toys out all the time and rotate the toys that go with them. For example, you can put the miniature dolls for the dollhouse or the play food for the play kitchen in a toy rotation box.

What’s fun is that your kids will get creative about what they use to play with those big toys. My kids have turned LEGO people into dolls for their dollhouse and turned Magna-Tiles, wooden blocks, and sock rolls into “food” for their play kitchen!

What should I do with old toys my kids don’t play with anymore?

If you’ve done your initial toy purge and now you’re wondering what to do with old toys, you’ll find a few options below.

Just keep in mind that nobody wants broken toys, so if you can’t repair a toy, it needs to be recycled or disposed of.

A few ideas for what to do with old toys:

• Donate old toys to a charity thrift store like Goodwill.
• Check with a local nonprofit about whether they accept toy donations. Children’s shelters and other nonprofits like the Boys and Girls Club will sometimes accept donated toys. But be sure to check first! It helps no one if you drop off a big batch of run-down old toys when the nonprofit can’t make use of them.
• Swap toys with another family in your neighborhood or with a friend who has kids around your kids’ ages. You get “new” toys for your kids, and your friend’s kids get “new” toys too.
• Sell a bunch of toys as a lot on Craigslist, or hold a garage sale to find new homes for them.

What if my child asks for a specific toy that’s not in rotation?

If the toy is an all-time favorite, think about whether it makes sense to leave it out all the time. You don’t want to make a ton of exceptions and undermine the whole point of toy rotation, but it’s fine to make an exception for a handful of your child’s most favorite toys.

But if you get the feeling your child is just anxious to play with that toy now, you can do what feels right to you: swap the toy out with a similar toy in the current toy collection, swap the whole toy rotation box now, or tell your child to wait until the next day you’ll be rotating toys. That last one goes more smoothly if you can tell them the specific day and even show them on a calendar.

What about when we get an influx of new toys, like for Christmas and birthdays?

This is where the free printable toy inventory list will save you a ton of time.

If you’ve listed the contents of each toy rotation box and marked the toy category, then it’s easy to see at a glance where you can squeeze in a new toy to round out a toy collection.

But here’s another tradition many families enjoy: the month or so before holidays or birthdays, they go through their toy rotation boxes with their kids and do a mini-toy purge.

To do this, it works best if you do it at the end of a toy rotation. Because that set of toys will be fresh on your kids’ minds, you can hold up each toy to the kids before you put it back in the box. Ask them if they’re still loving that toy or if they think it would be a better fit for another kid who may not have many toys.

What’s the best way to store the current collection of toys in rotation?

Kids (especially the younger ones) do best when they can see everything to choose from. When everything is “put away” and hidden, they may not realize what’s available to play with and then have trouble playing independently.

We have a low bookshelf like this for storing the current toys in rotation so they’re easy for the kids to see. This also helps with toy clean-up because at the end of the day, the toys all have a home to return to.

But if you don’t have a shelf like that, you can easily designate a table, bench, or just a corner of a room to achieve the same effect.

How do I know if it’s time to rotate toys?

Here are a few signs that it may be time to rotate toys:

• Your child comes up to you more often to announce, “I’m bored”
• Your child starts playing with a toy but loses interest quickly
• Your child asks for television or other screen time more frequently
• Your child gets into things they know they’re not supposed to play with
• Your child seems clingy and is following you around all day – be sure to rule out sickness or emotional upset as the cause before blaming the current toy rotation box, though!

With that said, if this all happens within a day or two of switching to a new toy rotation box, that could mean that particular collection of toys is either not robust enough to capture your child’s imagination or that your child is struggling to figure out how to play with some of the toys in that collection.

For example, suppose you have a toy rotation box that contains a jump rope (moving), puppets (pretending), a puzzle (thinking), and a xylophone (creating). It could be that your child needs practice with the jump rope, would appreciate a story prompt for the puppets, is having trouble fitting the puzzle together, or hasn’t figured the xylophone out quite yet – or some combination of more than one issue.

If you suspect that’s the case, set a timer for 10 minutes, put your phone away, and plop down to play with your child one-on-one. You’d be surprised how a quick parent-child play session can get your child “un-stuck” and back to playing independently!

What should I do with seasonal or holiday-specific toys?

Consider making a seasonal or holiday-specific toy rotation box or two, and then put those boxes in rotation when the time is right.

For example, you might have a summer toy rotation box that includes sandbox toys, squirt guns, sidewalk chalk, a backyard safari kit, and more. Or for a winter toy rotation box, you might include snowman-making supplies, snow shovels, or spare PVC pipe for making an indoor fort on frigid days.

What if my toy rotation boxes don’t have many toys for a certain category?

No worries! If your categories feel a little unbalanced, consider doing a toy swap with a neighbor or friend. This can be a permanent trade of toys or a temporary swap where you send the toys back to their original home after a period of time.

For example, you might say something like: “I realized we have three pretend tea sets but no musical instruments. Would you guys be interested in swapping a tea set for a musical toy or two?”

You can also make a note to suggest toys in a certain category when grandparents and extended family ask for Christmas and birthday ideas. Again, this is where those free printable toy inventory sheets at the end of this post will be super useful.

As another option, you can look for a local toy rental service. These services clean and sanitize every toy before sending it your way. Then when the novelty of the new toy wears off, you just send it back.

Get Your Free Printable: Your Toy Rotation Kit

To get started with toy rotation right now, you can get my free toy rotation kit, which includes a quick one-page step-by-step guide, a toy inventory log, and a toy organization cheat sheet to keep you on track. Here’s how to get it:

1. Get the free kit. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print the kit. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal so everything holds up during the process of setting up your toy rotation system.
3. Refer to the kit as you set up your toy rotation system, and fill out the inventory logs as you create your final, curated toy collections.
4. Put the inventory logs inside the toy collection boxes. That way, when it’s time to round up that collection and put it away, you’ll have a list of everything to round up. Huge time-saver!

Here’s a sneak peek of your toy rotation kit. First, the step-by-step guide:

Here’s the inventory log that you’ll put inside your curated toy collection boxes:

And here’s the cheat sheet on the best way to organize toys into categories:

Your Turn

What tips do you have for a successful toy rotation system? Share in a comment below!

The post Why Your Kids Leave Toys Everywhere + How to Fix It With Toy Rotation appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One of my children was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and I didn’t see it coming.

I knew my child struggled in certain situations, but I didn’t think she had anxiety.

That day we got home from the doctor’s office after hearing the diagnosis, I went straight to my closet, shut the door, curled up in the corner, and fell apart.

How did I miss it?

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free checklist to help you watch for these hidden signs of anxiety in your child.

This Is Why

Months after my daughter’s diagnosis, I still feel guilty that I didn’t see the signs earlier.

The truth is that you never think it will happen to your child.

Maybe you’ve read about how anxiety disorders are one of the most common health issues for kids and adolescents these days…but that doesn’t apply to your child.

Sure, your child may struggle a bit in certain situations – maybe they have a hard time falling asleep at night or get extra nervous about tests at school or worry about making friends (and keeping friends) – but that’s just part of childhood, right?

But Here’s What I Learned the Hard Way

Every child experiences anxious feelings, so yes, that is just part of childhood. But sometimes, those anxious feelings are a sign of an underlying anxiety disorder.

In other words, for some kids, those anxious feelings are a sign that their brain overreacts to some triggers. Their bodies get stuck in a constant loop of the fight or flight response. Their brain and body feel the same as if they were constantly being hunted by a hungry lion.

How common is it? One study of over 10,000 kids discovered that more than 30 percent of those children had an anxiety disorder.

Won’t Kids Just Get Over It?

Honestly, that’s what I thought. I thought we could cope with my child’s sleep struggles and her endless worries about school, and eventually she would just grow out of them.

But as a child’s brain develops, their anxiety can intensify. Left unchecked, childhood anxiety can cause other serious issues.

Academic struggles. Depression. Substance abuse. Eating disorders. And my throat feels tight as I type this next part because this isn’t theoretical or a statistic – this could happen to my child – kids with anxiety are at increased risk of suicidal thoughts.

This is my baby. When I held my baby in my arms that very first time years ago, I didn’t yet know her brain would just happen to be a little too sensitive to triggers and stress.

It took me too long to realize my child might be struggling with an anxiety disorder. Two different pediatricians didn’t suggest she may have an anxiety disorder, even after I described the classic symptoms. The only reason we found out was because I felt in my gut that something wasn’t right, so I took her to a third doctor.

And now I’m on a mission to help other parents notice the signs of childhood anxiety early.

Related: 8 Surefire Ways to Calm an Anxious Kid

How Do You Know If Your Child Has Anxiety?

The hardest part is that your child won’t come out and say, “I feel anxious.” You have to watch for clues.

But first, a warning: I am not a medical expert. I’m just a mom who’s been in your shoes, and I know what it’s like to worry about your child.

So I compiled these signs and symptoms from several reputable resources to give you one single checklist for symptoms of anxiety in children.

At the end of this post, you can also get a free printable childhood anxiety symptoms checklist that you can fill out and take to your pediatrician’s office.

This is the checklist I wish I’d had years ago for my child.

Anxiety in Children: A Symptoms Checklist for Parents

Please watch for these signs in your child and see your child’s doctor if you notice any of them on a regular basis.

But keep in mind that experiencing one of these symptoms does not necessarily mean your child has an anxiety disorder. Your child’s doctor will likely be most interested in whether the symptoms are getting in the way of your child functioning in their daily life or if they’re impacting the rest of the family.

For example, if math homework every night leads to a meltdown or if it takes your child so long to fall asleep that she’s feeling tired the next day and unable to focus at school – those may be signs of an anxiety disorder.

With that said, remember that anxiety doesn’t just go away on its own. Without treatment, childhood anxiety can intensify and spur other serious mental health issues.

Note: For the source where you can find out more about each of these childhood anxiety symptoms, click the »» character after the checklist item.

Listen for These 15 Phrases That Are Code Words

If your child says anything like this on a regular basis, these phrases can be code words for “I’m anxious”:

1. “My tummy hurts.” or “I feel like I might throw up.” Anxious feelings often present in the body. Stomachaches are very common for anxious kids because in the throes of anxiety, the body redirects blood flow from the abdominal organs to the brain, which slows down digestion. That experience can cause nausea. »»
2. “I’m not hungry.” When digestion shuts down because of anxiety, so does the need to eat. »»
3. “Please don’t make me.” or “Can I just stay home?” or “I don’t want to!” Kids with anxiety may start to avoid stressful situations. »»
4. “Please don’t leave me.” or “Is it time to leave yet?” or “I want to go home.” Anxious kids in a stressful environment or situation will typically ask to leave so they can get away from the stress. »»
5. “I feel like I can’t do anything right.” or “I feel like there’s something wrong with me.” Kids with anxiety can be very hard on themselves. »»
6. “I can’t do it!” or “Can you do it for me?” Anxious kids tend to expect perfection from themselves, so they may avoid a difficult task to avoid making a mistake. »»
7. “I’m sorry.” Because anxious kids are typically hard on themselves, they may apologize often, especially for small things. »»
8. “Are you mad at me?” Many anxious children will seek constant approval or reassurance from others. »»
9. “I can’t fall asleep.” Anxious kids may have difficulty falling asleep. »»
10. “I’m so tired.” Kids with anxiety tend to have difficulty falling asleep or getting restful sleep, but sometimes the only sign you’ll see may be them complaining of feeling tired. »»
11. “But what if…? What if…?” Anxious kids typically worry constantly, sometimes about things that are far in the future. »»
12. “Nobody wants to play with me.” or “I don’t really have many friends.” Some kids with anxiety experience an intense fear of social situations. »»
13. “Are you sure…?” or “Do you think…?” Anxious kids tend to ask lots of questions to seek reassurance from you about their worries, like “Are you sure we’re not running late?” or “Do you think the teacher will like my science project?” »»
14. “I feel hot.” or “I can’t breathe.” An anxiety attack (or more commonly referred to as a panic attack) can cause hot flashes and sweating. Other panic attack symptoms include a racing or pounding heartbeat, trembling or shaking, shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, lightheadedness, tingling sensations, and chills. »»
15. “I have a headache.” Anxious feelings or a panic attack can also cause a headache. »»

Related: 10 Best Journals for Kids That Will Boost Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence

Watch for These 15 Behaviors

The following behaviors can be a sign or symptom of childhood anxiety. This list is not exhaustive, but it gives you one single list of the most common child anxiety symptoms as compiled from several sources.

1. Cries often or often seems sad »»
2. Becomes angry easily »»
3. Acts extremely sensitive, such as taking things personally »»
4. Gets in a bad mood easily or with no clear reason »»
5. Acts irritable often »»
6. Seems to have difficulty concentrating or focusing »»
7. Gets scared easily, sometimes due to phobias or exaggerated fears »»
8. Wakes up crying in the middle of the night because of bad dreams or nightmares »»
9. Behaves in obsessive or compulsive ways, such as worrying about germs, arranging objects in a specific way, finger tapping, and so on »»
10. Experiences intense tantrums or meltdowns »»
11. Turns down opportunities to socialize with peers »»
12. Seems overly concerned with their grades in school »»
13. Overreacts to any constructive criticism from a parent or teacher »»
14. Runs away or hides to avoid stressful situations »»
15. Acts clingy when you try to leave them for a short time »»

Next Steps: What to Do With This Child Anxiety Checklist

Then moving forward as a next step, take this child anxiety checklist and your notes to your pediatrician. If your pediatrician doesn’t take these signs seriously, find another doctor.

We had to talk to three doctors before someone took my child’s mental health seriously. When it comes to your child’s health, it never hurts to get a second (or third or fourth) opinion.

Get Your Free Printable: Anxiety in Children Symptoms Checklist

Use this checklist to evaluate your child for signs and symptoms of anxiety, then follow up with your child’s doctor.

1. Get the free checklist. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print and fill out the child anxiety checklist. You may want to jot down notes in the margins and take a few days to watch and listen for the signs. Fill in the appropriate bubble for any day you notice that behavior.
3. Make an appointment with your child’s doctor. Remember: If your child’s doctor doesn’t seem to take you seriously, get a second opinion.
4. Help your child calm down. While you wait to meet with your child’s doctor, you can help your child cope with anxious feelings with these 8 surefire ways to calm an anxious child.

Here’s a sneak peek of your checklist:

Your Turn

What would you add to this childhood anxiety symptoms checklist? Share with your fellow parents in a comment below.

The post 30 Hidden Signs of Anxiety in Children That You Need to Know appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Every evening at the dinner table, my husband and I used to fall into this age-old parenting trap:

“How was your day?”
“Fine.”

“What did you learn today?”
“Nothing.”

“Who did you play with at recess?”
“No one.”

But one-word answers don’t foster a good discussion, and they certainly don’t help us reconnect with our kids after a long day apart from each other.

And yet, it’s absolutely essential that we do reconnect because if we don’t, we pay the price later.

When we’re all feeling connected, the kids jump in to help clean up after dinner—without being asked. They pay attention the first time we ask them to brush their teeth and get jammies on. When we tuck them into bed, they’re all giggles and smiles.

But when we’re all feeling disconnected? We get less cooperation, more power struggles, and grumbles and grimaces at bedtime instead.

Ready for a solution now? Get these fun printable family conversation starters and use them at the end of every day to reconnect with your child.

What If We Asked Our Kids Better Questions?

I realized I needed to solve the problem of one-word responses so we could have a meaningful family conversation. Because conversations like that leave everyone’s connection tank overflowing, plus they contribute to a healthy parent-child bond. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that you consistently engage in that kind of active listening with your child.

But as busy parents, we’re too exhausted to be creative and come up with questions to ask kids that will get a real, meaningful conversation going. So my first step was to find the best questions for kids that actually work at getting your kids to open up.

You can find lots of questions for children online, but you have to wade through quite a few duds, like:

• “What’s your favorite number?” or
• “Why do you think some kids disobey their parents?” or
• “Frozen or The Incredibles?”

In other words: Boring, loaded, or queued up for another one-word answer that takes the conversation nowhere.

Same goes with the ready-made conversation starters you can find on Amazon. After reading tons of reviews, I found out the store-bought versions of “questions of the day for kids” had the same problem—questions that were duds, plus the questions didn’t work well for a wide range of child ages.

Related: 7 Best Family Bonding Games That Will Help You Reconnect Quickly {Printable}

Here’s How These Questions for Kids Are Different

I devoured every list of questions for kids I could find, and I compiled the ultimate list of all the best questions for kids. These were my criteria:

• Open-ended questions for kids work best, like “How” and “Why” questions. These types of questions get kids talking because they open the door to more than just one-word answers. On the other hand, a question like “What’s your favorite color?” or “What’s your favorite outfit?” doesn’t foster a meaningful conversation.
• Any questions to ask your kids should be something adults can answer, too. Most kids don’t appreciate feeling like they’re put on the spot to perform like circus animals for the benefit of the surrounding adults. Plus, a conversation where everyone’s contributing is more fun anyway.
• No boring questions. Research shows people love talking about themselves—but not if you ask boring questions.
• No trivia questions. You’re trying to foster a meaningful conversation, not quiz your child on who’s the current President of the United States or what’s the fastest land animal. (A cheetah!)
• And this one’s important: Any questions to ask your child shouldn’t feel like a test or a lecture. For example, “Why do you think some kids disobey their parents?” may give you some interesting answers, but your kid could feel like you’re setting a trap.

I waded through pages and pages of questions for kids to find the absolute best questions that kids and adults will enjoy. The final list includes 150 awesome questions for kids, which gives you enough for nearly six months of questions of the day for kids.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

Available for a limited time: If you prefer a printed set of these family conversation starters, you can get your printed set here.

100 Questions for Kids…That They’ll Actually Answer

With these questions for kids, not only will you be teaching your child the art of conversation, but you’ll get to peek straight into their heart. You’ll go beyond the surface-level questions about their favorite movie, toy, or pizza topping—and tap into what’s important to them, what has them worried, and what they’re excited about.

And most important of all, you’ll close any distance that’s come between you and your child during the day so you both end the day feeling connected, loved, and happy.

To get a printable version of the full set of 150 questions for kids, get my family conversation starter cards here. Included in this post below, you’ll find 100 of the best questions for kids from those conversation starters.

These questions work for a wide range of ages, from toddler to teen and everything in between. You’ll find a mix of silly questions and thought-provoking questions, plus quite a few meaningful conversation starters that will bring out answers that are sure to warm your heart.

Open-Ended Questions for Kids

When you want to get your child talking, open-ended questions like these work best:

1. What are you excited about right now?
2. What was your first thought when you woke up today?
3. What do you want to accomplish by your next birthday?
4. What do you love about yourself?
5. What’s something that’s hard for you?
6. What was the last time you felt mad?
7. What’s the best thing about your life?
8. What’s a small thing that makes you feel happy?
9. What’s something you want to do, but you can’t yet?
10. What makes you feel loved?
11. What do you know how to do that you could teach others to do?
12. What’s the best thing that has ever happened to you?
13. What’s the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
14. What are you most proud of?
15. When you’re feeling sad, what makes you feel better?
16. Which rule do you have to follow that doesn’t make sense?
17. If you could pack anything in your lunch tomorrow, what would it be?
18. What makes you feel special?
19. What is the best part of every day?
20. What is the worst part of every day?
21. What’s the best gift you ever received?
22. What do you worry about the most?
23. What’s something you’re looking forward to?
24. What’s something you’d like to get rid of or throw away?
25. What’s something you work hard at?
26. When do you feel happiest?
27. What’s your favorite holiday—the one you look forward to the most?
28. What’s your favorite thing to do outside?
29. What’s your favorite thing to do as a family?
30. What’s the best part of our family?
31. What’s something nice someone said to you lately?
32. Who understands you the best?
33. What’s your favorite thing to do with your friends?
34. What’s something you did to help someone today?
35. Who made you smile today?
36. What’s your favorite family tradition? Why?
37. What was the last time someone was mad at you?

Funny Questions to Ask Kids

Your child’s answers to these silly or funny questions for kids will get you and your child giggling:

1. What’s the funniest thing somebody did or said today?
2. If you could only eat one food for an entire year, what would you choose?
3. What’s your favorite joke?
4. If you were a superhero with one superpower, what would it be?
5. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to? (Or would you leave it?)
6. If you could stay up all night, what would you do?
7. If somebody from another planet came to Earth, what would they think of our world?
8. If you had three wishes, what would they be?
9. Would you rather live in a castle, on a boat, or on a cloud?
10. If you buried a treasure chest, what would you put in it?
11. What is the most annoying noise in the world?
12. If people could see inside you, what would they see?
13. If you could be anything for Halloween, what would you be?
14. If you had an extra room in your house, what would you use it for?
15. If you could create one law that everybody on Earth had to follow, what would it be?
16. If you were invisible, where would you go and what would you do?

Related: 120 Funny Questions to Ask Kids for Guaranteed Giggles

Thought-Provoking Questions for Kids

These thought-provoking questions go beyond the bland status quo of “How was school today?” Instead of hearing a one-word answer in response, you’ll get a peek into how your child’s mind works.

1. If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be?
2. If you could be any animal, what would you be? Why?
3. What will you be doing in 10 years?
4. What’s the most important choice you will have to make in your life?
5. What’s your earliest memory?
6. Do you like morning or night better? Why?
7. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?
8. If you had to choose only three words to describe yourself, what would you say?
9. If you won $1000, what would you do with it?
10. If you could be any book character, who would you be?
11. What is something you would never change about yourself?
12. What would you like to invent?
13. Which one of your 5 senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste, or touch) is most important? Why?
14. If you could be any age, which age would you choose? Why?
15. If you could be the best in the world at something, what would it be?
16. What’s something you used to dislike, but you now like?
17. Which three words would you use to describe our family?
18. If you could start a company that made something, what would that be?
19. Which do you prefer: a messy room or a clean room? Why?
20. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
21. What’s the hardest thing about being you?
22. What is one thing you want to learn how to do?
23. If you were stuck on a desert island but could pick three things to bring, what would they be?
24. What does it mean to show respect to someone?
25. If you could change one family rule, what would you change?
26. If you could switch places with one person for a day, who would it be?
27. What do you get to do at someone else’s house that you wish you could do at ours?
28. What advice would you give to a younger sister or brother?
29. Who do you admire? Why?
30. What do your friends like best about you?
31. If one of your parents described you, what would he or she say?
32. If you could start a new family tradition, what would it be?
33. What’s the most important job in the world?
34. What’s the most fun job in the world?
35. What is the best part of being a grown-up?
36. What is the best part of being a kid?
37. What’s the smartest thing you heard somebody say today?
38. If we didn’t have to go to school or work on Monday, what would you want to do all day?
39. Has someone ever asked you to do something you didn’t want to do?
40. What’s the most important thing for a parent to do?
41. Twenty years from now, where do you think you’ll live?
42. What’s something grown-ups get to do that you wish you could do?
43. What does it mean for two people to be in love?
44. If you could give everybody in the world one piece of advice, what would you say?
45. If you could learn any language, what would you learn?
46. What will the world be like in 10 years? What will be the same? What will be different?
47. If you could live in another country for one year, where would you live?

How to Use These Printable Questions for Kids

To save you some time, these printable conversation starters are designed so you can print them on pre-perforated business card templates and just pop each one out (see below). But regular paper and scissors work great too.

1. Get your cards here. After you order, you’ll get a special link to get your cards.
2. Print. I designed these questions of the day for kids to print on Avery business cards for inkjet^† or laser printers. Or you can just print them on regular paper or card stock, then cut the cards out or fold and tear to get a charmingly casual look.
3. Drop the cards into an empty bowl or spare mason jar, put it on your dining room table, and you’re DONE. Or to take it one step further, you can hole-punch them in one corner and put the whole set on a book ring like this. That makes the cards extra portable so you can throw them in your purse, car, or carry-on for a plane ride.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

When to Ask These Family Conversation Questions

Here are a few situations where you can ask your kids these questions:

• Pick a question or two to ask your child at dinner every night, then take turns answering the question—and get ready to feel closer to your child than ever before.
• Keep your cards in the car and ask a question on the way to or from school for an extra dose of connection.
• Set up a weekly one-on-one date where you grab ice cream sandwiches or another favorite dessert and ask each other questions.
• If you have a weekly tradition like family game nights or family movie nights, kick off the event with a question or two from this list. For game night, these questions work great as fillers when you’re in between games or when someone’s in the kitchen popping more popcorn!

Before You Go: 4 Quick Tips for the Best Conversations

Your Turn

What are your favorite questions of the day for kids? Let’s help our fellow parents discover another way to say “How was your day?” that will actually get a conversation going. Share your best questions to ask children in a comment below!

The post The Best Questions to Ask Your Kid Instead of “How Was Your Day?” appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

As parents, we have big dreams for our kids.

We want them to be smart so they can go after what they want in life and have a reasonable chance of getting it. We want them to grow up to be kind, caring members of the community. And it would be nice if they also turned out to be the type of people who remember to signal before turns.

That’s a tall order. Especially when I consider the day a success if I remember to brush all my kids’ teeth twice a day.

And yet, now is the time to set our kids up for success in life. Short of morphing into a drill sergeant who fills every spare moment with flashcards and forced kindness, how can we raise smart and kind kids?

Here’s the Good News About Raising Smart Kids

As it turns out, we have one magic “keystone habit” as parents that will help us raise smart, kind kids.

If you haven’t heard of keystone habits before, they’re an elite category of habits that kick off a chain reaction, influencing several areas of your life at once. In other words, you can focus on just one keystone habit, and you’ll experience several positive impacts. For example:

“Keystone habits explain how Michael Phelps became an Olympic champion and why some college students outperform their peers. They describe why some people, after years of trying, suddenly lose forty pounds while becoming more productive at work and still getting home in time for dinner with their kids.”

The Power of Habit

The best thing about this particular “keystone habit” for raising smart, kind kids is that it’s completely free, it takes just 10-15 minutes a day, and anyone can do it.

To get smart, kind kids, you don’t have to sign your kid up for expensive tutoring or have twice-daily screenings of the movie Wonder.

All you have to do is this: Read to your child. Even if they already know how to read to themselves.

Because research shows reading aloud is the powerful keystone habit that will raise smart, kind kids. (More on that in a minute.)

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free family read-aloud challenge kit, which includes a bingo-style challenge and a cheat sheet of practical tips for how to make it easier to find read-aloud time even when you’re busy.

But This Is What Gets in Our Way

As parents, the demands on our time are endless.

We have laundry to fold, sibling battles to mediate, and healthy dinners to prepare. Our kids need help with homework, the car is due for an oil change, and it’s our turn to bring snacks after the t-ball game. We need to make doctor appointments, deposit a check at the bank, and sew that seam that ripped in our best work pants.

On and on and on.

This is why when it comes to reading aloud to our kids, we tend to prioritize it lower. I know I do. In a 2018 survey of American families, only 30 percent of parents reported reading aloud to their kids for at least 15 minutes a day.

I try to read to my kids regularly, but for two weeks I tracked how many picture books I read aloud, and I was shocked. I’d only read to my kids 6 out of 14 days – not even half of the days.

And so to soothe my guilt, I decided to dig into exactly what reading aloud to your kid accomplishes. I wondered: When it comes to raising smart kids, is reading aloud truly all it’s cracked up to be?

The Single Habit That Raises Smart, Kind Kids?

This is what happens when you read aloud to your child every day:

• Your child will hear a wider variety of words. Here’s why this is important: “The one pre-kindergarten skill that matters above all others, because it is the prime predictor of school success or failure, is the child’s vocabulary upon entering school. Yes, the child goes to school to learn new words, but the words he already knows determine how much of what the teacher says will be understood. And since most instruction for the first four years of school is oral, the child who has the largest vocabulary will understand the most, while the child with the smallest vocabulary will grasp the least.” – The Read-Aloud Handbook^†
• You grow your child’s brain, literally. The more you read to your child, the more the neurons in their brain will grow and connect together.
• You put them on the path to be a lifelong reader. Reading is essential for the learning process, and kids who struggle with reading tend to struggle in school. But you have the power to give your child this one key to success in school and life because: “The single most important activity for building the knowledge required for eventual success in reading is reading aloud to children.”– Becoming a Nation of Readers
• Your child’s behavior will improve. When you read aloud, you increase your child’s ability to pay attention and concentrate – skills that definitely help your child in school. Also, reading aloud to a child can even decrease aggressive tendencies in the child.
• You build a stronger bond with your child. Kids love when you read aloud to them because of the physical closeness and emotional bonding it offers: “We’re blown away that kids time and again said the most special time they recall spending with a parent is reading together.” This makes sense when you think about it. In our busy modern lives, how often do we stop everything we’re doing, put down our phones, and just enjoy time with our kids? A strong connection with your child leads to better cooperation from them, and that’s something pretty much every parent could use more of.
• You increase your child’s capacity for empathy. When you read fiction to your child, their brain is “literally living vicariously through the characters at a neurobiological level.” In other words, you’re exposing your child to different types of people and giving them the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes while you read. Growing your child’s empathy muscle will teach them to be a friend who empathizes, a partner who can see their partner’s side in a disagreement, and a compassionate person who helps others in need.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

The moral of my little research project? The one single habit of reading aloud to your child kicks off a chain reaction of all these positive outcomes, and more. If you’re looking for the secret to raising smart kids, reading aloud is it.

So why wasn’t I making it happen even half the time?

For teachers: Want to share this article with your students’ parents? Feel free to share the link to this article via email! But if email isn’t feasible, as a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, you can get a free printer-friendly version of this article.

8 Reasons Why We Don’t Read Aloud – And How to Fix It

Knowing that reading aloud to your kids is important and actually making it happen every day are two separate things.

To explore that disconnect in my own parenting habits, I did some research and reached out to several parents I know to find out why we may not always read aloud to our kids. Then because I’d just read oodles and oodles about how powerful a daily read-aloud habit can be for raising smart kids, for each reason I decided to pull together a few solutions that might help me and my fellow parents.

Because sometimes, all we need is a tweak or two to make reading aloud a daily habit and set our kids up for a fulfilling, happy life.

By the way, if you have any other suggestions for making this habit work, please leave a comment to share at the end of this post!

1. I’m busy.

When you’re overwhelmed by daily parenting life, reading aloud to your kids doesn’t always make the cut.

This is my own Achilles heel. On the lazy days we spend at home, I have no problem fitting in read-aloud time. But on busy days where we have errands, extracurricular activities, or appointments, read-aloud time tends to fall by the wayside.

How to Fix It: Make reading aloud a daily habit. Duh, right? But here are a few hacks for making it happen:

• Bundle it. Think of another daily habit you never skip, and bundle reading aloud with that. For example, you wouldn’t skip brushing your kid’s teeth at night, so make a rule that you won’t brush teeth until after you’ve read aloud. Or as another example, you could read aloud to the kids while they take a bath or if they’re slow eaters, while they finish eating dinner.
• Give yourself a visual cue. Visual cues are great for reminding yourself in the moments you’re most likely to forget. For example, after reading aloud at bedtime, you could put the book back on your child’s nightstand as a reminder to read the next night. Or you might get a sturdy wire basket like this, fill it with a few of the best picture books, and leave the basket on your kitchen counter or in a visible spot of your living room.
• Track it. Post a piece of paper on your fridge or use colorful dry-erase markers to write on your bathroom mirror, and keep track of your goal. You might draw a green checkmark for every day you’ve read aloud and a red X for any day you miss. Your goal is to keep a string of checkmarks going as long as possible!

2. My kid can read on their own.

When our kids are old enough to read on their own, we tend to stop reading aloud. This is what I did when my oldest started reading on her own. But the problem with stopping at this point is that we’re not helping our beginning readers get to the next reading level.

“Reading and listening skills begin to converge at about eighth grade. Until then, kids usually listen on a higher level than they read on. Therefore, children can hear and understand stories that are more complicated and more interesting than what they could read on their own…Beyond the emotional bond that is established between parent and child (or teacher and class), you’re feeding those higher vocabulary words through the ear; eventually they’ll reach the brain and register in the child-reader’s eyes.”

The Read-Aloud Handbook

In other words, a fourth grader can listen to and appreciate a seventh grade level story before she can read it herself, and that’s how you’ll build her vocabulary enough so she can read a higher level book one day.

How to Fix It: Lately, I’ve noticed that if I sit down to read to my younger kids, my oldest will make her way to the same room and sit near us to listen in. Always remember that older kids still like to be read to, even though they may not admit it!

But if you’ve taken a break from reading aloud to your older child and they’re used to reading on their own, it may seem odd to start back up again with reading aloud. Here are a few ideas for easing back in:

• Ask them to tell you about what they’re reading. Then say, “Ooh, that sounds really good! Do you mind if I read out loud a little bit to you so we can both enjoy it at the same time?”
• Invite them to help you pick out a family read-aloud book, then you can all take turns reading out loud at dinner every night.
• If you subscribe to the newspaper or magazines and you come across an interesting article, say to your child, “Can I read this to you? I read it and thought you would enjoy it.”
• Listen to audiobooks during your commute to/from school or while you do chores together, like folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. Pro tip: Get an Audible or Libro.fm membership for access to the best audiobooks. (By the way, Libro.fm is the same price as Audible, and you’ll support a locally owned bookstore with every audiobook you choose!)
• Find something funny like a poem or a short story and ask to read it out loud to them. Kids love funny, no matter how old they are!
• If your child was assigned a book to read for school, ask if you can read it out loud to them.

3. I don’t enjoy reading aloud.

This can happen for two reasons: you don’t like the book, or you just don’t like the experience of reading out loud. I can relate to both reasons.

Enjoyable books, we’ll get to below. But for the second issue, that can be a little more complicated. When I first started reading aloud to my oldest child, I made a mental comparison of my relatively monotone, low-key reading style to the most recent storytime we’d attended at our local library. The librarian was so chipper, so full of energy. And the kids loved her! How could I compete with that?

But I later realized that reading aloud isn’t about your ability to perform. It’s about connecting with your child. Because of the physical closeness and emotional bonding involved, reading aloud is something that kids regularly call out as their favorite activity to do with their parents.

How to Fix It: The first one’s an easy fix because the world has thousands and thousands of children’s books to choose from, so just pick another one you’ll all enjoy and read that instead. As a starting point, here’s my list of the best picture books according to kids and parents.

But if you struggle with the experience of reading aloud, try to reframe that time in your mind to focus on the connection you and your child will get from it. For example, you might come up with a special name for that time, like “Cuddle and Read Time” or “Cozy Book Hour” or “Hugs and Books Extravaganza.”

If that doesn’t help, try reading aloud a different genre than normal. If picture books aren’t your thing, maybe poetry would be fun. If poetry doesn’t cut it, try nonfiction. If nonfiction is a no-go, try reading aloud plays and doing different voices for different characters. Just keep trying until you find something you can enjoy.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

4. My child won’t sit still.

If every time you try to read aloud, your kid loses interest and runs off to do something else, you’re going to get a complex real fast and think your kid isn’t interested.

Especially with active kids, listening is an acquired skill. But with a daily read-aloud habit, kids will learn how to listen. Remember that when you read aloud, you increase your child’s ability to pay attention and concentrate – skills that will help your child in school and in life beyond school.

How to Fix It: My third child is super active, so when she was younger I had to be creative with finding read-aloud time. Here are a few ideas for how to make it work:

• Ease your kids into read-aloud time with books that are designed just for active kids. Check out 12 Best Interactive Books for Kids That Will Get the Wiggles Out.
• Read at bedtime when kids are starting to calm down for sleep and are already tucked into bed.
• Read aloud when you have a captive audience, like when your child is eating a meal or is in the bathtub. (One parent told me they read to their kids while they build with LEGOs!)
• Take your child to the park, plop them in the swing, then read while you push them.

Also, make sure your child is enjoying the books you’re reading. If they’re really into dinosaurs and you’re reading about dump trucks, that could be the root of the issue. If you need fresh ideas, check out this list of the best picture books approved by kids and parents.

For more help with reading to active kids, check out my friend Rachel’s tips for How to Read To Kids Who Won’t Sit Still.

5. I’m tired.

Most of us leave read-aloud time for bedtime, but if your kids’ bedtime routine is anything like my kids’, by the end of the day you’re burned out. I don’t want anyone touching me or asking me for one more thing, and I certainly don’t feel like adding 20 more minutes to our already long and drawn out bedtime process.

On nights I’m particularly exhausted, I’ve been known to skip pages if I think I can get away with it. (And it turns out, I’m not alone in this.)

How to Fix It: Try moving your read-aloud time earlier in the day. You could read while your kid eats breakfast or an afternoon snack, or during bathtime if you’re not completely pooped by then.

As another strategy, make sure you’re reading a book out loud that you enjoy, too. If you’re stuck reading the same picture books every night, try branching out to a chapter book you enjoyed as a kid or a new release you’ve heard of. Or if you think you can swing it with your kid, try reading out loud from whatever book you’re currently reading. Obviously you’d need to skip over any kid-inappropriate bits, but maybe they’ll go for it, and you can squeeze in a little reading before you’re in bed yourself.

Related: How to Develop a Reading Habit That Will Stick: 8 Steps

6. My kids are all different ages.

This can be tough. My kids are 10, 5, 3, and newborn. I can read a picture book to the younger three, but that leaves out the oldest. Or I can read a chapter book to the two big kids, but that leaves out the two little kids.

How to Fix It: What I’ve discovered is that my 10-year-old still enjoys listening to a good picture book, and I’ve heard from other parents that even their teenagers still love hearing them read picture books out loud.

But if your older child really isn’t interested, try reading interesting magazine or newspaper articles out loud to her while she’s eating or doing chores. You might say, “Hey, check this out! I thought you might like this…” And then just start reading.

As another idea, you can read out loud to your older kids when the younger ones are in bed at night or while they’re taking a nap.

Related: Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student

7. My kid interrupts…on every page.

Nobody likes to be interrupted – especially not when you’re trying to do something for your child and she interrupts you.

But as it turns out, kids asking questions during a book are an essential part of the learning process:

“Those of us who have seen a movie more than once fully realize how many subtleties escaped us the first time. This is even more the case with children and books. Because they’re learning a complex language at the adult’s speaking pace, there often are misunderstandings.”

The Read-Aloud Handbook

How to Fix It: If your child’s question is about the story itself, go ahead and answer it right away because odds are, your child isn’t fully understanding what’s happening and that’s why she asked.

If the question is tangential to the story or completely unrelated, try saying something like, “Ooh good question! At the end of the story, we’ll talk about that.”

8. Reading the same story over and over again is boring.

Yes, it is. It really, really is.

Unfortunately for us as parents, repeated readings of a book are exactly what your child needs in order to learn. They end up hearing the same words over and over again, which cements the vocabulary in their brain. Also, repeated readings help flush out any misunderstandings that are bound to happen when you’ve been on this planet for such a small amount of time. (See above.)

How to Fix It: Here are a few ideas you can try:

• If there’s a book you truly hate, get rid of it. Or at least hide it most of the time. It does your child no good if you’re gritting your teeth just to get through a book you hate. Better to spend 15 minutes reading something you enjoy than zero minutes reading because you can’t stand a particular book. Find something you enjoy instead using this list of the best picture books.
• If there’s a book you actually do think is alright but you just don’t want to read it 72 times a day, try coming up with a rule for your house. For example, when I’ve read the same book twice in one day, my kids know that book is done for the day. There’s no shame in setting boundaries so the read-aloud experience can be enjoyable for everyone.
• Try keeping things fresh with every read-aloud of a repeat book. One time, you might read it with a Southern accent. Another time, you might read it while marching in place. (Make your kid do this too!) Or another time, you might lay upside down hanging off the couch to read it. When your sanity is at stake, feel free to be creative.
• Visit the library regularly to get fresh new books. When you have a steady influx of new books to choose from, your kids will be less focused on re-reading the same books over and over again. Bonus: When the library books are due back to the library, they go back and you never have to re-read them again!

Get Your Free Printable: Family Read-Aloud Kit

One way to make reading aloud more doable is to turn it into a game, so I designed a free printable read-aloud challenge you can start today with your family. Your kids will love it, and so will you!

Along with the challenge printable, you’ll also get a cheat sheet of the practical tips from this post about how to make it easier to find read-aloud time even when you’re busy. Here’s how to get your free family read-aloud kit:

1. Get the free printable. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print the challenge board + cheat sheet. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be nice and sturdy.
3. Hang the challenge board somewhere visible like your fridge or your living room wall (next to the TV works great!) as a visual cue to remind you to squeeze in read-aloud time. Challenge yourself to try one new read-aloud trick a day for 30 days. But if you don’t get it done in 30 days exactly, no worries. Every day you read aloud to your kids is a win.

Here’s a sneak peek of your family read-aloud challenge board:

And here’s a preview of the cheat sheet summarizing the practical tips in this post:

Your Turn

What gets in your way with this habit for raising smart kids? Share in a comment below!

The post Want to Raise Smart, Kind Kids? Science Says Do This Every Day appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

It’s a proven scientific fact that a toddler will engage you in approximately 57 billion power struggles every day. At least half of those power struggles will set off epic toddler tantrums.

And that’s just the power struggles.

That doesn’t even account for all the other instances of that special brand of fun they bring to your day, like when they color on your carpet with a Sharpie, unlace all your shoelaces and re-tie them with 20 knots, or swallow a dime that gets stuck in their throat and requires a $25,000 surgery to remove. (Ask me how I know.)

Some days, parenting a toddler feels a bit like navigating a field of landmines, while balancing a tray of full champagne glasses on one hand and wearing boots three sizes too big…with your eyes closed.

Quick win: Need a quick fix that will help you ease power struggles with your toddler? Get my Family Connection Cards, based on the science of what actually works. In 10 minutes a day, these cards will help you boost your connection with your child so that you’ll have fewer power struggles and get more cooperation.

What You Should Know About the Toddler Brain

This ain’t my first toddler rodeo – my third child is in the toddler phase right now. But we just welcomed a newborn into the family, so I’m more sleep-deprived than usual. Which means my patience for those typical toddler behaviors seems to be in even shorter supply lately.

So I decided to research the toddler brain and find out what’s developmentally appropriate for toddler behavior according to science. Maybe if I understood more about how my toddler’s brain worked, I wouldn’t get so frustrated with her.

And as I devoured toddler book after toddler book, I found myself wishing I’d known all the toddler parenting secrets before I became a parent – or at least one or two kids in, instead of on my third toddler.

Related: How to Deal With Toddler Tantrums Like an Expert {Printable}

7 Things Your Toddler Wishes You Knew

As it turns out, as frustrating as those typical toddler behaviors are, for the most part they’re 100 percent developmentally appropriate.

But in the moment of a power struggle, a boundary test, or any other typical toddler behavior, how do you keep that in perspective – and keep your sanity, too?

If your little one could explain what’s going on inside her toddler brain, this is what she’d tell you. Under each “What to do” section, you’ll find practical tips for how to take that understanding of the toddler brain and apply it to your daily life with a toddler in tow.

Get ready because this peek inside the mind of a toddler will turn you into a bona fide toddler whisperer.

Related: The Only Thing You Need to Survive the “Terrible Twos” – With Your Sanity Intact {Printable}

1. Please tell me again.

When you say, “How many times do I have to tell you?” it seems like you’re annoyed with me. But I really do need you to tell me lots and lots of times.

Here’s why: Your ability to focus your attention, remember instructions, and control impulses comes from your executive function skills. But guess who doesn’t have those executive function skills yet? Your toddler.

Let’s picture the Grand Canyon. On one side is your toddler’s impulse to color on the walls simply because it’s fun. On the other side of the canyon is the ability to control that impulse because mom said you shouldn’t color on the walls, and you really would rather not see that look she gets on her face when you do something she told you not to.

In a toddler’s brain, these two sides aren’t yet connected. You have to build a bridge.

That first time you tell your toddler not to color on the walls, it’s like you’ve placed one long, rickety wooden board across the chasm. It wouldn’t bear any weight and it’s certainly not strong enough to hold up over time, but you have to start somewhere.

Each time you tell your toddler the same thing – or even better, show them – you add one more board to the bridge across the Grand Canyon in your toddler’s mind.

But building a bridge across the Grand Canyon would take a lot of wooden boards, not to mention some steel beams. And it would take lots and lots of time.

In the same way, it takes lots and lots of life experiences to create those connections^† in your toddler’s brain so they develop those important executive function skills.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

“What molds our brain? Experience. Even into old age, our experiences actually change the physical structure of the brain. When we undergo an experience, our brain cells—called neurons—become active, or ‘fire.’ The brain has one hundred billion neurons, each with an average of ten thousand connections to other neurons. The ways in which particular circuits in the brain are activated determines the nature of our mental activity, ranging from perceiving sights or sounds to more abstract thought and reasoning. When neurons fire together, they grow new connections between them. Over time, the connections that result from firing lead to ‘rewiring’ in the brain.”

The Whole-Brain Child

What to do: How many times do we have to tell our toddlers? The answer is over and over (and over) again. For a toddler brain to learn, they need that repetition. So keep reminding and comforting and guiding your toddler because every single experience is building that bridge.

When I find myself losing patience while telling my toddler the same thing one more time, I take a deep breath and try to picture the Grand Canyon. Then I imagine that my words are laying one more board across the chasm.

2. I don’t know how to say what I need to say.

I’m feeling big, scary feelings, and I don’t have the words to tell you how it feels. When the bad feelings overwhelm me, I can’t think straight.

Here’s why: Toddlers feel negative emotions just like adults do – they may feel angry, frustrated, sad, scared, anxious, confused, powerless, and so on.

As adults, we’ve learned that when you feel a negative emotion, it’s best to stop, think it through, and then carefully decide how to react. (Still, even after a lifetime of feeling those negative emotions, sometimes we still react without thinking – by lashing out or shutting down!)

But the part of the brain that’s capable of stopping, thinking, and deciding how to react isn’t fully developed in toddlers yet. And so when toddlers feel a negative emotion, that emotion takes over. This is one of the biggest reasons toddlers throw temper tantrums.

“Children can become shut down with shame, or lash out in anger, stuck in the experience of the negative emotion. Negative emotions are confusing at this age (as they can be at most ages), and our toddlers need our help to handle them…

For toddlers, who are just beginning to get their sea legs, these emotions are new, raw, exciting, and often very confusing! …The part of the brain that handles emotions and allows us to regulate them is just starting to form in the toddler, a process that will take another twenty years to complete. To say that handling these emotions for children ages two to five is hard is a major understatement.”

How Toddlers Thrive

What to do: Your toddler needs your help to put words to her feelings. Labeling an emotion is one of the best ways to help someone feel heard so they can calm down and move forward, and toddlers are no different.

Here are a few examples of how to validate your toddler’s emotions:

• “You are so mad. You’re showing me how much you wanted that piece of candy.” (Source)
• “I’m sorry you’re (state the emotion). When you calm down, I’ll give you a hug and we can talk about what happened.” (Source)
• Use reflection. For example, if he’s stomping his foot: “Your foot is going like this (stomp your foot). Your face looks like this (mirror his facial expression).” He’ll probably look at you, so take a deep breath. He might unconsciously take a deep breath with you. Then say: “You seem (state the emotion). You were wanting (state the desire).” (Source)

3. I can’t hear you right now.

I can tell you’re trying to help me feel better, but these big emotions are too much for me. I can’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.

Here’s why: Suppose your toddler is in the middle of a tantrum because you cut her PBJ in half when she wanted it whole. What happens if you push the two sandwich halves together and say, “Look, it’s the same sandwich, just in two pieces”?

It sure would be nice if your toddler would stop crying and say, “Oh, you’re right. Nevermind then.” But you’ve probably learned the hard way that you can’t reason with a toddler in the middle of a tantrum.

This is because her toddler brain just won’t compute what you’re trying to say:

“Your toddler becomes so angry that you poured water on his head to wash his hair that he begins screaming, throwing toys out of the tub, and wildly swinging his fists, trying to hit you. In this case, the lower parts of his brain—in particular his amygdala—take over and hijack his upstairs brain, [which is responsible for decision making, personal insight, empathy, and morality]…

In fact, the stress hormones flooding his little body mean that virtually no part of his higher brain is fully functioning. As a result, he’s literally incapable—momentarily, at least—of controlling his body or emotions, and of using all of those higher-order thinking skills, like considering consequences, solving problems, or considering others’ feelings. He’s flipped his lid.”

The Whole-Brain Child

What to do: In the middle of a tantrum, don’t ask questions, don’t use logic, and don’t tell your toddler, “That’s not important.” In fact, the maybe-I-can-talk-some-sense-into-her approach will probably intensify the tantrum and make it last even longer because your toddler will not feel heard.

Focus on validating your child’s emotion first, then when everyone is calm you can tell the story of what happened and build those brain connections for the future. (See the examples in number 2 above for how to validate those big emotions.)

4. I’m not trying to be difficult.

You seem frustrated with me right now, but I’m not trying to make you frustrated. I’m just trying to learn.

Here’s why: Does any of this sound familiar?

• Your toddler wants to make her own cereal for breakfast, then ends up spilling milk all over the counter.
• Your toddler says he want to buckle his car seat himself, but it’s taking him forever and you needed to leave 10 minutes ago.
• He gets dressed by himself in short sleeves and shorts, but it’s 40 degrees outside and no matter how much you try to convince him, he won’t wear a coat or even a long-sleeved shirt.
• It’s bedtime, but she keeps asking question after question after question – when you just want to collapse in your own bed.
• It’s time to walk out the door to make a meeting for work, so you get your shoes from the closet only to realize that someone has unlaced all your shoelaces.

Sometimes it feels like your toddler is out to get you. But even though it feels that way, she isn’t purposely trying to make a mess, make you late, or keep you up all night.

Toddlers learn best through experience. And they need lots of life experiences to fully learn a lesson. (Remember the bridge from number 1 above?) For example, they may need to spill milk all over the counter a few times before they learn to pour it out slowly.

And unfortunately for us as the parents who would rather not clean half a quart of milk off the kitchen counter, there is no shortcut to learning. In order for our toddlers to learn, they have to make mistakes.

“This age group seems to be in perpetual motion. They are heedless explorers ready to take on the world without all the necessary skills yet in place. And that’s the way we want them to be—curious and adventurous! It is from this place that self-confidence and the ability to take initiative emerge. The challenge for us as parents is in giving children between ages two and five enough freedom to start making some of their own choices, so they can start making—and owning—their mistakes. What we see as mistakes, they take as part of the natural process of growing.

Sound difficult? It may be for you, but it’s not for them. Young children are not yet self-conscious or judgmental about their actions. They leap into activities and toward situations without thinking them through. They live in the moment. Jumping off the slide at full tilt? Building a beautiful sand castle just to destroy it? Wearing rain boots when it’s sunny outside? These may seem like illogical choices to us, but they make perfect sense to a toddler…Indeed, many of these choices make us parents very nervous. Our response? We tend to overcorrect and attempt to control them, which just makes them feel bad about themselves, which then results in shame.”

How Toddlers Thrive

I don’t want to have to clean up an extra mess or be late for an appointment or re-lace my shoes every time I leave the house. But for my toddler to learn and grow, she has to figure things out through trial and error.

Another danger of trying to correct and control your toddler all the time is that your toddler ends up hearing “no” an awful lot throughout the day. She may feel like she can’t do anything right, and she may feel incredibly frustrated when she can’t do anything the way she wants to. And then when you need to say “no” to keep her safe, like if she’s unbuckling her car seat while you’re on the road, she’s much less likely to listen to you.

What to do: Pick your battles. If your toddler eats 3 peas instead of 20 or wants to leave the house wearing polka dots and plaid, it may not be worth it to turn it into a fight.

In those moments when I find myself feeling annoyed or exasperated at my toddler, I repeat a mantra to myself: “Let her learn. Let her learn.” That’s usually enough to remind me to let her make her own mistakes. But if I’m still tempted to overcorrect or control – or worse, step in and do the task myself – I’ll ask: “If I let her do it her way, what’s the worst that could happen?”

I’m not perfect, but this little habit has helped me back off and let my toddler try on her own way more often than I used to. As an added bonus, when you stop trying to control your toddler on those everyday tasks, you can step back from the situation and be ready to comfort your toddler if she gets frustrated during the learning process.

5. I need you to be kind and firm at the same time.

I like doing things myself, but I need you to keep me safe.

Here’s why: When your child enters toddlerhood, she learns that she is her own person, separate from you. This is when she discovers she has the power to act on her own separate ideas, opinions, and preferences.

For example, suppose you’re crossing the street and holding your toddler’s hand, then she pulls away and runs off to pick up a shiny coin off the ground. She’s exerting that newfound power, which is exactly what her toddler brain needs.

But it’s our job as parents to set boundaries on that power to keep our toddlers safe:

“Two to five is an age of testing out who they are and their level of power. It is too scary to think their power is unlimited. They want to know you will keep them safe (even if they battle you!). The world they are exploring during these years is a big place. There is much to learn, much to see, and so much to figure out…So much is going on and they cannot do it solely on their own. Children count on parents to set up limits and guidelines, to show them when to stop and let them know we will keep them safe. The feeling that they are not on their own, that we are setting limits, gives them security and feelings of comfort…Deep inside, they want to know that we will not let them go too far.”

How Toddlers Thrive

Still, when you feel like your toddler has done something dangerous, it’s easy to lose your cool and say something like, “What on earth were you thinking? Never, ever do that again!”

From your toddler’s perspective, she made her own decision as her own person, and you got upset at her for making her own decision. Feelings of shame overwhelm her toddler brain, and she’s unable to learn anything from the experience. It’s a missed opportunity to build onto that bridge across the Grand Canyon (from number 1). If she experiences that shame on a regular basis, she may become anxious, defiant, or less confident.

What to do: Your toddler needs you to set limits when something is important, like running across the street or throwing her whole dinner plate on the floor.

To avoid overreacting and making your toddler feel shame for making her own decision, first try to connect with your toddler on why she made that decision. That way, you can let her know that there’s nothing wrong with how she felt, then you can set the limit.

Think, “kind first, then firm.” For example: “You were excited to see that shiny coin, and you wanted to grab it! But it’s my job to keep you safe, and running across the street can hurt your body. Next time, hold my hand tight when we cross the street, no matter what.”

6. I’m not ignoring you.

I’m just not sure what you want me to do.

Here’s why: Don’t think of an elephant right now. Whatever you do, don’t picture an elephant. You better not be thinking of an elephant.

So…are you thinking of an elephant? Because that’s 100 percent normal if you are, and your toddler is no different.

Suppose your toddler is running through the house while your infant is sleeping, so you say, “Don’t run!”

What sticks in your toddler’s mind is simply: Run. Saying “don’t run” puts the focus squarely on what you don’t want to happen. Pretty much the opposite effect of what you’re going for.

Plus, when you say “stop” or “don’t,” your toddler has to double-process your request. First, he has to understand what you don’t want him to do: don’t run. Then he has to translate that into what you do what him to do, which can be confusing for young kids.

What to do: Erase “don’t” and “stop” from your vocabulary with your toddler because they’re just setting you both up for frustration. Then reframe your statements to communicate to your toddler what you do want him to do.

Here are a few examples for you:

• Instead of, “Stop banging your fork on the table.” Try, “Your fork goes in your mouth or on your plate. Can you pretend your fork is an airplane landing in your mouth?”
• Instead of, “Don’t run!” Try, “Please walk slowly. Let’s pretend we’re turtles!”
• Instead of, “Don’t color on the walls!” Try, “Markers are for paper only. Can you draw me a picture on this paper?”
• Instead of, “Don’t be rough with the baby!” Try, “Please use a gentle touch with the baby. It’s our job to keep the baby safe.”
• Instead of, “Don’t take that toy from your sister!” Try, “Your sister is having that right now. You can ask, ‘Can I have that when you’re done?'”

I’m usually pretty pumped if I can catch myself before a “don’t” slips out, but if you want to go above and beyond that to really make your toddler sit up and take notice, try adding a statement at the front to empathize with his emotions. For example, “You really wanted that toy right now! It looks like so much fun. But your sister is having that right now. You can ask, ‘Can I have that when you’re done?'”

7. When I feel loved, I do better.

I’m happiest when we get some special time together every day. Then I want to do everything I can to make you happy with me.

Here’s why: When my toddler is being particularly uncooperative, the root cause every single time is the same thing.

For example…

• I’ll be doing dishes, and she asks me to read her a book. “Later,” I promise. “I’m busy right now.”
• I’ll be paying bills on the computer, and she asks to play a game. “Not right now, honey,” I say.
• I’ll be putting the baby down for a nap, and right when he dozes off, she bangs the door wide open looking for me. “Go back out there!” I hiss.

Then the next time I ask her to do something (or not do something), she doesn’t listen. Sometimes, she’s outright defiant.

She’d told me exactly what she needed from me – a story, a game, my physical presence – and I brushed her off.

She needed connection. And when I didn’t give it to her, I paid the price in the form of less cooperation or none at all.

“Children freely, even enthusiastically, cooperate when they believe that we’re on their side. When they don’t have that belief deep in their bones, our standards of behavior seem unfair, contradicting what they perceive as their own best interests, whether that’s taking the biggest piece of cake or lying to us. No amount of “parenting skills” can make up for an eroded parent-child bond. It’s like riding a bike up a very steep hill. By contrast, parenting with a good relationship is like coasting downhill—you still have to pay attention and stay on the road, and twists and turns certainly arise, but the momentum is with you.”

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

What to do: Science shows that in happy relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. This is called the Magic 5:1 Ratio.

If you have too few positive interactions to balance out the negative ones, you’ll end up with an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. To get more cooperation from your toddler, aim for five positive interactions to balance out every negative experience.

Bonus: How to Connect With Your Toddler + Get More Cooperation

After a negative interaction with your child, you need to reconnect through a positive moment or two so you can close the distance between you and your child. Because if you don’t close that gap and your child feels a lack of connection, that will lead to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to do something.

But unfortunately, when your brain is flooded with stress hormones in the moment, it’s incredibly difficult to think of something fun and sweet to do with your child so you can reconnect.

Which is why I created these Family Connection Cards, based on the science of what actually works when you need to reconnect. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out how to reconnect with your child so you can just focus on nurturing your bond with your child. At any point during your day, you can pick a card to get a quick and simple idea for connecting.

And in just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

Your Turn

What surprises you most about the toddler brain? Share in a comment below!

The post 7 Hidden Reasons Why Your Toddler Acts Defiant appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

A few weeks ago, my 4-year-old was sitting at the breakfast table with a stack of paper, a stencil, and a bunch of colored pencils when she said something that broke my heart.

I’d been washing dishes about five feet away, so I saw her in my peripheral vision, holding the stencil to the paper with one hand and tracing with the other hand.

But then she sat back and said, “I’m not a good artist.”

I glanced up. The corners of her mouth pointed down, and her eyes were starting to fill.

This is the girl who tells me every day that when she grows up, she’s going to be an artist during the day, then at night she’s going to be Wonder Woman and fight bad guys.

But in that moment, I could see her confidence in her dreams slipping away.

I felt a tug in my chest. I turned off the faucet and dried my hands.

Settling into the chair next to her, I asked, “What makes you feel that way?”

“I just can’t do it right. Every time I try to draw with the stencil, it moves and messes it all up.” She hung her head, and I reached out to rub her shoulder.

Ready for a solution now? Get these fun coloring posters for your child to teach them the power of hard work and sticking with a problem.

The Problem With Kids Talking Like This

A little self-doubt can be healthy – as long as it drives you to put in more effort and try to improve.

But getting stuck in a negative mindset can cause you to give up on what you set out to do.

As parents, that’s the opposite of what we want for our kids. We don’t want to raise quitters who give up at the first sign of a challenge. We want to raise determined kids who work hard and persevere through challenges until they succeed.

A few kids seem to naturally learn that lesson and need no support to transform moments of self-doubt into a determination to work harder.

But after talking to my friends and reading messages from parents who write to me every day, what seems to be the most common situation is this: Our kids need our help to learn how to catch themselves in these moments of self-doubt.

They need our guidance on how to turn negative self-talk from something that makes them give up – into something positive that drives them towards success.

This Could Be the Most Important Lesson You Teach Your Child

A few years ago, I volunteered as a mentor to a small group of girls in a second-grade classroom.

During the volunteer training, the educators running the program taught us a powerful concept I hadn’t heard before: fixed versus growth mindset.

• Kids who have a fixed mindset believe that you’re as smart as you’ll ever be. You can’t change how smart you are, no matter how hard you try. You can’t change your personality, how creative you are, or anything else because your traits and abilities are fixed.
• But kids with a growth mindset believe that if you work hard, you can become smarter. These kids thrive on challenge. Fixed-mindset kids see failure as evidence of not being smart, but growth-mindset kids see failure as an opportunity for growing. In fact, they don’t even see failure as a failure. They see it as learning.

Can you guess which kids end up being most successful in school and in their careers later in life? Which kids have the greatest capacity for happiness?

More than 20 years of research^† shows that the key to success in school and life is being able to apply a growth mindset. In other words, if you believe that trying hard will make you smarter, it will.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

But if you believe that nothing you do will change how smart you are, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What’s more, fixed-mindset kids don’t enjoy the learning process. Their mindset even drives them to lie about their school performance so they can maintain the perception that they’re smart. They certainly can’t handle mistakes.

“In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort.

In the other world, effort is what makes you smart or talented.”

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

How to Foster a Growth Mindset in Your Child

To be clear, if your kid is showing signs of a fixed mindset, you won’t find a quick overnight fix. Shifting your mindset takes time. In the words of the top researcher on growth mindset:

“Change isn’t like surgery. Even when you change, the old beliefs aren’t just removed like a worn-out hip or knee and replaced with better ones. Instead, the new beliefs take their place alongside the old ones, and as they become stronger, they give you a different way to think, feel, and act.”

Carol Dweck

In other words, pretty much everyone has both a fixed and a growth mindset. As a parent, the best thing you can do to help your child is give them a toolbox of growth mindset tricks they can use when they’re struggling with a challenge.

Guiding your child from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset will take time and patience, but it will pay off for your child. In a minute, I’ll share a powerful trick to add to your child’s growth mindset toolbox, but first: How do I know?

Here’s a Powerful Trick

In my family, we’re no stranger to the struggle of shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.

Our oldest daughter has struggled with her mindset since she started school. We reacted by nudging and encouraging her towards a growth mindset, and we’ve seen a huge transformation in her attitude about making mistakes, working hard, and not giving up.

We’ve tried countless parenting techniques to get to this point – some of them total duds and some that thankfully made an impact.

But we stumbled on one powerful growth mindset trick that I wish I’d done much earlier with my oldest daughter because the results have been fast and impressive with her and my preschooler.

Growth mindset posters.

But not just any growth mindset posters. Kids color in the phrases on these posters – phrases specifically designed to help kids internalize the crucial message that putting in effort is how you grow your brain.

Because the truth is that overused platitudes like “never give up” don’t stick in kids’ minds. But these special growth mindset mantras will burrow their way into your child’s internal dialogue and come out at the exact moment your child needs them.

9 Unique Growth Mindset Posters That Will Shift Your Child’s Mindset

The problem with most ready-made growth mindset posters you can get is that you stick them on the wall and they become…wallpaper. Your child may notice a pretty poster for a day or two, but then they blend in, and your child’s eyes will gloss right over them without really seeing the important messages you’re trying to get across.

Because of this, I put together a special set of printable growth mindset posters for my kids, and they loved them so much I decided to share them here.

You can use these color-in mindset posters at home with your kids, or you can use them in a classroom of students then decorate the walls with the students’ creations. (Just remember to move them around every now and then to keep them from becoming wallpaper!)

The phrases on these special growth mindset posters include:

1. I can’t do it yet, but I will
2. I’m the boss of my mind, and I can tell it what to do
3. My brain is a muscle, and mistakes are like lifting weights
4. I’m perfectly imperfect, and that’s a beautiful thing
5. Winning doesn’t matter. Learning does.
6. The more I try, the more my brain grows
7. There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs. (A quote from Zig Ziglar)
8. Worrying about mistakes is like putting a leash on my brainpower
9. I can (This one’s our favorite because it shows “I can’t” with the “t” being cut off with a pair of scissors!)

Get yours now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

Why These Posters Make the Mindset Message Stick

These are the only growth mindset posters that will actually make the mindset message sink in with kids.

Here’s why:

• Powerful mantras arm your child with positive sayings they can repeat to quiet internal negative thoughts, so they’re ready when they hit speed bumps during the learning process or during the everyday challenges of childhood.
• But kids may have a hard time grasping abstract concepts and remembering a string of words, which means phrases like “strive for progress not perfection” end up going in one ear and out the other. But the mantras on these growth mindset posters are as literal and concrete as possible. When you can paint a picture in your child’s brain to go along with a mantra, your child is much more likely to remember it.
• After you get these posters, you can print new copies for your child to color as often as you want. Here’s why that’s important: For your child to shift to a growth mindset, she needs to internalize the lesson so she won’t have to think about it consciously. But she can’t just hear a message once and internalize it immediately. She needs repetition. From math to vocabulary and beyond, repetition and rehearsal of new information support a process that’s essential to memory – a process called consolidation. During consolidation, the brain moves memories from temporary storage in the brain’s hippocampus to more permanent storage in the cortex (the outer layer of the brain). Translation? The more your child colors these growth mindset posters, the more the message will sink in.
• And most important of all, these color-in growth mindset posters are just plain fun. Whereas slapping a ready-made poster on a wall and asking kids to read them aloud veers into drill sergeant territory, engaging kids in the fun activity of coloring unlocks their creativity and invites them to be an active part of the learning process. In fact, brain research suggests that fun isn’t just a “nice to have” for the learning process but that it may be required for authentic learning and for storage in long-term memory.

But…Will These Posters Spark a Change in Your Child?

When I first set out to create these growth mindset posters for kids, my goal was to shift my kids’ internal dialogue in those moments when they struggled. Specifically, I wanted to erase the internal dialogue where they painted a picture of themselves as incapable of improving – and replace it with a handful of powerful, positive mantras to remind them that hard work and sticking with a problem will help their brains grow and help them become the people they want to be.

And although I’d done a ton of research ahead of time about the science behind how growth mindset posters could help my kids, I didn’t know exactly how well the messages would stick.

The day the final posters were ready, I called my two oldest kids over to the dining room table while their toddler sister was napping.

“Hey guys, let’s color!”

I’d laid the growth mindset posters on the table, along with my fancy coloring pencils that I keep on a high shelf in my closet except for special occasions.

They walked into the room, glanced around the table, and hurried to sit down.

We each took a sheet and started coloring. My preschooler wanted to talk about the letters on her poster while she colored, and my oldest who’s in elementary school said, “We have posters kind of like this at school in some of the classrooms, except you can’t color them in.”

“Oh yeah?” I said. “What do they say?”

“I can’t remember,” she said.

“Hmm,” I said. Probably not the effect the teachers were going for when they took the time to pick out those pretty posters and hang them up to inspire the kids to keep trying.

As we colored, we talked about the phrases on our posters – what the phrases mean, situations we’ve been in where the phrases would have helped us, and more. I kept it light and breezy by asking lots of questions and biting my tongue when I felt like lecturing. Just let the posters sink into their minds, I reminded myself.

We had a fun afternoon coloring together, then we picked out a piece of prime wall real estate to hang up our creations.

Later that day, I was in the kitchen while the girls were building with Magna Tiles in the living room, and I overheard my grade-schooler say, “I can’t get it to work.”

And my 4-year-old said, “You can’t get it to work YET. But you will.”

Score.

Get yours now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

Would the Messages Stick Long-Term?

I smiled at the fast impact, but I still wondered if the messages of the growth mindset posters would stick with my kids for the long-term.

Every week or so, I’d bust out a fresh set of the posters with my special pencils, and we’d have another group coloring session. I overheard the girls repeating the growth mindset phrases to each other for encouragement, and I noticed a shift in their self-talk – so I was one happy mama.

But after picking up my oldest from school one day, on the ride home she said, “We have to write two paragraphs every week with six to eight sentences each on the same topic. And we have to use these stupid prompts! I can’t write with a prompt.”

“Hmm,” I said. “Have you ever written with a prompt before?”

I expected her to get more frustrated and focus on why writing prompts are so hard, but she surprised me. “Well, it’s not that I can’t write with a prompt. I’ve done it before. It’s just that it’s hard to get started because it’s not my own idea.”

She got quiet, and I glanced at her in the rearview mirror. She was staring at a piece of paper, and I wondered what thoughts were churning behind the scenes.

She said something under her breath, so I asked, “What’s that?”

“Oh, I just said maybe this one will work. And if I don’t like how it turns out, I can try again.”

I smiled. “That sounds like a good plan.”

She was no longer just repeating the growth mindset phrases from the posters. She’d internalized the message.

But the real clincher came for me that weekend while we were in the car running errands as a family.

The two big girls sit in the back row, and I could hear them talking to each other but couldn’t quite make out the words.

Then after a bit, my preschooler called up to us. “Mommy and Daddy, we have a new phrase!”

Ty and I glanced at each other. “A new phrase?” I asked.

“Yeah. Wanna hear it?”

“Sure.”

She and her big sister whispered to each other some more, then my oldest said, “She wants me to go first. My phrase is ‘A life without mistakes is no life at all.'”

I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. I leaned across and whispered to Ty, “The growth mindset posters!”

Then to my oldest, I said, “That’s awesome!”

“Wanna hear mine?” my preschooler asked.

“We’d love to!” I might have been a little excited.

“Okay,” she said. “Winning doesn’t matter. Trying does.”

Not only had they internalized the messages from the growth mindset posters, but they’d been making up their own growth mindset phrases in their own words. All because of our special set of growth mindset coloring posters.

The girls have even taken it one step further and started coming up with their own rules to live by in the same style.

So far, my favorite from my 4-year-old is this one:

If you have something nice to say, say it. Otherwise, if you can’t say something nice, shut your mouth.

Wise words, little one.

How to Get Your Growth Mindset Posters

Invite your kids to color these growth mindset printable posters, then you can hang them in your house as a gentle and positive reminder of the power of your mindset. For an extra dose of fun, try printing two copies, then sit by your child and color them together.

If you’re a teacher, these are the perfect growth mindset posters for the classroom because you can print as many copies as you want and have a built-in growth mindset activity for your students.

1. Grab your mindset posters here. After you order, you’ll get a special link to get your growth mindset posters PDF.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal, especially if you plan to hang the posters on the wall later.
3. Set your kids up to color the posters. Regular old crayons work fine, or you can pair the activity with a fun new art supply like watercolor pencils or 80’s Glam Sharpies.

For an extra treat for your kids, you can have these growth mindset posters printed at Staples using their “engineering print” option to make super-sized versions of the posters. We’ve had the best luck with the 18×24 size (less than $2) and the 36×48 (about $7).

We pick one of the growth mindset posters every now and then to do this with, then unleash all the kids at once for a group coloring project that keeps them moving towards a growth mindset.

Get your copy now: 9 Best Mindset Posters That Will Inspire Your Child to Keep Trying

Want More?

If you want to nurture a growth mindset in your child, here are our most popular resources:

The Most Encouraging Words for Kids: 125 Phrases That Actually Work

One Powerful Word That Will Inspire a Child Who Says, ‘I Can’t’

Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student

Your Turn

Which of these growth mindset posters is your child’s favorite (or yours)? Share in a comment below!

The post 9 Powerful Phrases That Will Inspire Your Kid to Keep Trying—Even When It’s Hard appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Within three months, my world turned upside down.

I’d had a cryptogenic stroke, which left me with Broca’s aphasia and apraxia. Aphasia and apraxia are just fancy medical terms for saying that my expressive communication – speaking and writing – was devastatingly affected.

At the age of 31, with two boys to raise, with a nursing career, and in the middle of training for a half marathon, a stroke was not on my agenda. Strokes very rarely affect someone of my age, but more important than my age was the age of my two children: 4 years old and 15 months.

My kids were much too little, and they needed their mother.

This is what was left of me.

Three days after my stroke, the shock had subsided and the gravity of what disabilities I had been left with came into focus. As much as I tried, communication with the rest of the world was not coming back as easy as I would have liked.

My sister was at my bedside, as she was most of the time that I spent in the hospital. We were working on my speech rehabilitation, which was essentially what you would learn in early elementary school. She was reading out sentences that I was supposed to attempt to write.

I sat cross-legged on my hospital bed with a note pad, trying to write “The dog was black.” I couldn’t do it.

After what seemed like an hour, I scribbled “dog black.” I knew that wasn’t correct. I knew I had missed the connecting words of a sentence, but I had no idea what they were. My internal dialogue could say this simple sentence, but when I opened my mouth or put pen to paper, all I could muster was “dog black.”

And then, clarity.

I could feel the sting of tears welling up in my eyes and the lump rising in my throat. But at that very moment, I was not frustrated, I was not feeling sorry for myself, and I was not overwhelmed.

All I could think of is: What was the last thing I wrote to my boys? What was the last thing I told them? Would they remember any of the things that I had taught them?

I surely did not give them enough encouragement, enough words of praise, and enough words of wisdom to get them through to adulthood. I surely did not say “I love you” enough to last a lifetime.

I had written letters to my boys since the day they were born, detailing their lives. But as life has gotten busier, the letters had been few and far in between. What if I could never write to them again? They needed to know how perfect and how miraculous they are to me. I needed to tell them they are enough, I loved them more than anything, and my heart beats for them.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child that will make them feel loved.

How many words did I waste that didn’t mean anything?

I regretted every time I fought with my 4-year-old about what type of pants to wear to preschool. The times where I uttered the words, “I’m tired” or “I can’t right now, I’m busy.”

I should have used my energy to tell my 4-year-old, “The clothes on your body don’t matter. I respect your choice to wear what you want.” Or “I will always have time for you, you are important.”

I regretted the time I spent on social media instead of writing the most amazing love letters to my children, documenting every cherished memory. How I longed for those moments back.

Would I ever get a second chance?

My sister looked at me with compassion and empathy in her eyes. I gestured to what I had wrote and with tears threatening to spill over, I could only say, “Boys…not write.”

She grabbed my hand. She looked at me, and I knew that she understood what I was trying to say. She said with such conviction that I would get better and would be able to say the things I so desperately wanted to tell my children.

Remarkably, I did get better.

With a lot of help from my husband, sister, and speech pathologist and a lot of determination and hard work, I relearned sentence structure and began to speak and write again. I recovered enough to say what I so desperately wanted to express to my children.

Now, I make a point to focus my energy on choosing the words that come out of my mouth with hopes that I never forget the way this feels and what the stroke has taught me.

Among the many things this experience has taught me is that communication matters. Conversations matter. The words you choose matter. Talking leads to understanding, and that is never a bad thing.

Words have a magical power to make people feel wanted, loved, and special. They let people know they are not alone and even in extreme cases, to want to live another day.

The opposite is true as well. Words can give sadness, anger, and disgust, and they can break a child’s spirit.

We can live in heaven or hell by the sentences we string together. What power! We can choose our words to give love to this world. If it’s honest, kind, and is used to lift someone up, say it. Don’t let fear get in the way.

Related: The Best 10-Minute Fix to Spending Quality Time With Kids {Printable}

Please, imagine this for me.

I want you to imagine that you’re a child or young teenager. Remember when you felt like an utter disappointment and regretted your actions. Is it when you failed that math test? Is it when you cut your own hair (or your sister’s)? Or dropped a very breakable ornament?

Now, can you imagine that when your mom, dad, or a loved one found out, they said, “I understand that was a mistake. You will need to fix this, but we can work through it together. You have not disappointed me. My love for you is unconditional.”

How good would you feel? The words they spoke can make you feel safe and supported and important to them.

Now imagine that your loved one had a different response. They rolled their eyes and sent you to your room, and the look of disappointment haunted the lines in their face. How would you feel? Certainly not safe or loved or important.

I try to remember this in every interaction with my children. Although it sometimes isn’t easy, I want them to feel loved and that I understand they are human and will make mistakes.

Related: 101 Heartfelt and Simple Ways to Love Your Child Every Day {Printable}

Full disclosure…

I’m not pretending to be some sort of expert or prodigy of parenting. I have made many mistakes and will continue to do so.

I have gone to bed more often than not worried about whether I made the right choices for my children or said the right things. If we’re honest, my guess is everyone has. In all our parenting wisdom, we are perfectly imperfect and will make blunders along the way. I have accepted that.

But what I do ask of myself is to choose to fix my mistakes and never let a relationship suffer for my impulsive or harsh response.

I see now with such certainty that words with intention can bring about peace or can spew out venom that poisons the space around you. Words have the power to mend relationships, stitch together an open wound, and heal the heart.

Say the things that matter to you. Have the conversations you always wanted to have. Tell your children that your heart beats for them. We don’t know when we can get another chance.

It seems like a lifetime ago, but living with the aftermath of a stroke reminds me that it has not been long at all. It also reminds me to not take my second chance for granted.

Now, every day I try to live my life at the pace of my children. I read more stories, I have more playtime and attempt to see the world through my children’s eyes.

At day’s end, when the last story is read and I tuck my children into bed, I ask myself, “Did I give enough encouragement or words of praise to last them into adulthood? Did I say, ‘I love you’ enough to last a lifetime?”

I don’t know, but I’m working on it.

Related: How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids {Printable}

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

Use this cheat sheet of positive things to say to your child to help you remember to show your unconditional love for your child – even when life is busy.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join our weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
4. Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

Share your thoughts in a comment below.

The post Did I Say “I Love You” Enough to Last a Lifetime? appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I stood outside my kids’ bedroom door, smiling as I listened to them wrestle and laugh while they were supposed to be putting their pajamas on.

During the day, I’d checked off a handful of items on my to-do list, I’d gotten my kids where they needed to go on time (well, mostly on time), and no one was sick or seriously injured.

Today seemed like a win.

But then my smile slipped, and that relief and gratification started to fade away. New feelings of emptiness and guilt settled deep in my gut.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining our weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you enjoy motherhood, backed by science.

Here’s What I Realized

After a full day of being a mom to my sweet young kids, I didn’t take the time to stop and be fully present with them. I wasn’t enjoying motherhood.

Instead, my thoughts of daily tasks and to-do’s took control of my day.

• I didn’t tune into the excitement in my daughter’s voice as she told me all about her solo in the upcoming school concert. How did I forget to pull dinner out of the freezer again?
• I missed taking a pause during our naptime story to appreciate my 3-year old’s dimple that’s already starting to fade away. Just two more minutes until freedom!
• I didn’t enjoy the 15 blissful minutes where all three of my kids played with kinetic sand – without fighting. What a mess! I’d better go get the vacuum.

Why Regret Keeps Coming Back

I start out every day with the best intentions of finding time to connect with and enjoy my time with these little people who also happen to be my favorite people.

Papers to sign, field trip money to send, lunches to be made – and that’s just the first three minutes of the day. So much to do and never enough time to do it all.

When you’re caught up in the current of day-to-day tasks, it can feel more like being pulled in by an undertow.

But I don’t want to spend motherhood pulled under and dragged around by all the doing at the expense of being with my kids.

So my question became: What’s the secret to enjoying motherhood when the daily work of motherhood drags you down?

The Biggest Hurdle to Enjoying Motherhood

From my training as a family therapist, I know that our brains are wired for survival. They keep us going, even under stress. This means we can perform many tasks throughout the day without thinking much about them. In the span of 10 minutes, we can chop veggies for dinner, mediate a sibling fight, and restart the laundry in the dryer (again).

What makes this possible is our implicit – or automatic – memory.

Implicit memory helps us be the masterful multitaskers that we need to be – like when the stomach flu hits at 2:00 am and we have to become a carpet cleaner, nurse, and laundress all at once. But implicit memory can also get us into trouble.

When we engage in thoughts and behaviors from implicit (subconscious) memory on a regular basis, we find ourselves in a state of mom auto-pilot. In other words, we’re productive but not awake or intentionally engaged in enjoying motherhood.

In essence, our brains are designed to survive and function under stress, but they cannot thrive under stress.

But thanks to recent brain research, we now know an effective and powerful way to take charge of this mom autopilot mode so we can get back to enjoying motherhood.

Get Your Copy + Bonus Workbook: Happy You, Happy Family

The Secret to Enjoying Motherhood, According to Science

Most moms want to live intentionally and spend more time in being mode and less in doing mode. We want to enjoy time with our kids and not just view them as a set of tasks to be checked off.

The good news? Science has found a powerful key to slowing down and enjoying your child. It’s something we are all capable of, and we can do it anywhere at any time.

Mindfulness.

This is a buzzword nowadays because of how powerful it can be, but mindfulness just means being aware of the current moment in a kind and non-biased way. This could be as simple as putting a thought into words or paying attention to your bodily sensations. (More on what that really means in a minute.)

When you tune into the here and now by noticing thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, you engage an important area of the brain known as the pre-frontal cortex. This area of the brain helps you regulate your behaviors and emotions. In other words, that part of the brain allows us to be the calm, responsive, and loving moms we want to be.

But when you operate on mom auto-pilot, your pre-frontal cortex is not engaged, so you’re more likely to be reactive, tuned out, and stressed.

Looking back on the days when I’ve found myself in mom auto-pilot mode, this explains why I get to the end of the day and feel that tug of regret for how the day went.

3 Simple But Powerful Steps Every Busy Mom Can Take to Enjoy Motherhood

Here are three quick and easy mindfulness tricks even busy moms can squeeze in periodically throughout the day.

These techniques will help you move from doing to being in the moment, but their magic goes even further than that.

Every time you take a minute to use one of these tricks, you’ll actually build new pathways in your brain. Over time, strengthening your mind in this way will translate to the rest of your day, and you’ll experience more positive moments with your kids – even without consciously using one of these techniques.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

1. Observe Like a Friend

While attending a professional training on mindfulness, I was surprised to learn that approximately 80 percent of our daily thoughts are negative. Many of our thoughts are what’s considered “automatic,” meaning they happen very quickly and originate from our past experiences or circumstances.

Because thoughts are often fast-moving and subconscious, your thoughts can sometimes be inaccurate and unhelpful – to put it mildly. The best way to stop letting unhelpful thoughts control you and your thinking is to step back to observe your thoughts from the outside, through a lens of kindness towards yourself.

Some moms find it helpful to talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend.

For example, you might say, “Wow, I’m really beating myself up over forgetting the classroom treat. I’m really hard on myself when I make a mistake. I can give myself the same grace and forgiveness that I try to give my child. I’m doing the best I can.”

Or as another example: “I just snapped at the kids over something small, and I think it’s because the living room floor is cluttered with all the kids’ toys. It’s common for clutter to cause stress, and it’s understandable that it’s frustrating me. I can ask the kids to help me tidy up so we can play a quick game of Duck, Duck, Goose.”

2. Forget About Bears

Remember how our brains are wired for survival? This means our minds grab onto the negatives in our environment much easier than the positives. This is how our brains keep us from zoning out while staring at a pretty flower when a bear is chasing us down. But because we aren’t necessarily running away from bears on a daily basis any longer, we need to take control of our unhelpful survival instincts.

To do this, notice and describe the details of pleasant experiences.

For example, while watching your kids play together without fighting, you might notice and describe the bodily sensations: “I feel warm in my chest, relaxed, and full of gratitude.”

3. Think of a Label

In the course of a busy day as a parent, it’s tempting to avoid unpleasant feelings by turning to food, scrolling through our Facebook feed, or even exercise. Noticing negative emotions can be uncomfortable, so we often develop patterns of coping that seem helpful in the moment. But unfortunately, they’re not helpful in the long-term.

The next time you feel a strong emotion, label that emotion and allow yourself to sit with the feeling. Use just a word or two to describe how you’re feeling, starting with “I’m feeling…”

Research shows that the simple act of labeling a strong emotion and acknowledging it can allow the emotion pass through – whereas trying to deny an emotion can derail your good intentions for the rest of the day.

By the way, the phrasing “I’m feeling angry” is important compared to just “I’m angry.” The extra word “feeling” helps you separate the emotion you’re experiencing from your sense of self. It’s a lot easier to overcome a negative emotion when you label it as something you’re feeling instead of something you are.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}

Before You Go: An Important Note on Mindfulness

To be clear, mindfulness is not a quick one-time fix. You can’t do one of these techniques one time and expect to suddenly enjoy every moment of motherhood from there forward. As anything in life that’s worthwhile, shifting to parenting with mindfulness takes intention and a commitment to enjoying motherhood.

But these small practices give you a practical and meaningful way to slow down your busy days so you can enjoy motherhood again. Parents who use these tricks regularly even report that they feel like they have more time in their days.

More time to breathe in the sights, sounds, and smells of those tiny people who keep you busy from sunup to sundown.

This quote from mindfulness expert Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn says it best:

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”

Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn

Mindfulness gives us an anchor as moms, allowing us to slow down and stand strong amidst the undertow of busyness.

And that is an invaluable gift in our stressed out and fast-paced world: the gift of learning how to enjoy being a mom so we get to the end of every day feeling a sense of deep fulfillment instead of nagging regret.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re struggling to enjoy motherhood, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take. Use this cheat sheet to help you get back to enjoying motherhood. You’ll get a reminder for the previous tip plus 6 bonus quick fixes. For the full story behind each quick fix, check out How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join our weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Note: The research for this article is based on the 8-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training Angela completed with her therapy clinic. Get more information about The Mindful Academy International or mindfulness training from accredited MBSR teacher Tina Romenesko here.

Your Turn

What’s your secret to enjoying motherhood? Share in a comment below!

The post How Your Brain Stops You From Enjoying Motherhood—And How to Fix It appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One night a while back, my husband and I collapsed on the couch after wrangling our three kids to bed. We passed a pint of Ben & Jerry’s back and forth between us, decompressing about the day. We talked about…

• How we still needed to pay the bills that have been sitting on the counter for a week,
• Whether our toddler turning three next year will help her tantrums or make them worse, and
• How two out of three kids willingly and happily eating Brussels sprouts isn’t all bad – but getting our preschooler on board for three out of three would be epic.

“When we start our garden, the kids will be so excited to eat what they helped grow,” Ty said. “Just watch. I bet she’ll be way more into veggies after that.”

Oh, I thought. The garden. The corners of my mouth slipped down.

We’ve been talking about starting a backyard veggie garden for years. It started when we got an all-in-one garden kit for Christmas one year, and the kids had an absolute blast watering it and checking on it everyday.

On the day they saw sprouts peek out from the soil, you’d have thought we just told them we were moving to live inside the Cinderella Castle at Disney World. But then the cats dug up every last plant, and we had to pitch the whole thing.

I want to start a new garden, Ty wants to start a garden, and the kids can’t wait to start a garden.

And yet, every time the dang garden comes up in conversation, it stresses me out.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free worksheet that will help you get your kids excited about setting family goals – and working towards them as a team.

Here’s the Problem With Setting Family Goals

Dreaming about your future is supposed to be fun.

But when you’re so overwhelmed by your neverending mental to-do list that you can’t even get around to paying three measly bills that have been sitting on the kitchen counter for a week? Dreaming about the future is just One More Thing to add on top of your overflowing to-do list.

Earlier this year, Ty started making plans for our garden – reading a gardening book cover to cover, sketching out where our garden would go in the backyard, figuring out which supplies we’d need.

But every time the garden came up in conversation, I bristled.

I didn’t want to talk about it because I had a million must-dos to worry about before I could think about a nice-to-have bonus.

One kid is overdue for a well-check, we need to check Craigslist for a bassinet before our newest little one is born, the kitchen cabinet where we keep all the art and craft supplies is on the verge of turning into an avalanche every time we open it, and on and on. How can I take time away from all that to plan a garden?

Then He Did Something Brilliant

One night after dinner, we all sat around the table, taking turns asking questions from our favorite set of family conversation starters.

The question was “What makes you feel loved?” and our oldest answered, “When you play with my hair.” Our preschooler said, “When you read That’s Me Loving You.”

Then our toddler said, “When you give me dessert!”

We all laughed, and Ty stood up. “Well, I have good news then. How about s’mores?”

Squeals of delight from the kids. He grabbed our official s’mores supplies container out of the pantry.

“But first,” he announced. “I have something I want to talk about.” With a bag of marshmallows in hand, he had the kids’ attention.

“We’ve been talking about starting a new family garden for a while, and I want to decide as a family when we’ll start it.”

He set the marshmallows down and walked over to our family dry-erase board in the dining room, a neon pink marker in hand.

“We already missed the fall planting season, but the next good time to start would be in January,” he said. He wrote “Garden: January?” on the board.

“When’s January?” my 4-year-old asked.

My oldest turned to her. “That’s right after Christmas.”

“Let’s start in January!” my 4-year-old yelled.

Ty and I laughed. “What do you think?” I asked my oldest.

She smiled. “Yeah, let’s do that.”

I glanced at the toddler, who was still eyeing the marshmallows on the counter. “Do you want to start a garden after Christmas?” I asked her.

“Can we have s’mores now?” Fair enough.

Ty laughed, then used the heel of his hand to erase the question mark after January. “January it is, then,” he said.

And I realized: At no point during that conversation about the garden did I bristle against the idea. I didn’t feel stressed at all. And the whole exchange even left me a little bit…excited.

What sorcery is this?! I wondered.

Related: 150 Conversation Starters for Kids That Will Unlock Your Child’s Heart

So…What Made the Difference?

When I’m overwhelmed by the daily work of parenting, I feel lucky to keep up with the bare minimum on my to-do list. Every day feels like a battle to keep the sink from filling up with a week’s worth of dirty dishes, stop one kid’s bad mood from dragging down the whole family, make sure the kids don’t run out of clean laundry and have to resort to wearing their underwear inside out, and more.

I loved the idea of family goal-setting for growing and working together as a family, but the problem was we hadn’t moved from the idea stage to actually setting family goals.

Then my husband took our “one day” idea of starting a family garden, and he called an impromptu family goal-setting session.

But because he nudged us to pick a date and then wrote it down to make it official, that “one day” idea shifted into a family goal that we’d all bought into and had a say in.

The stress of figuring out how to fit in One More Thing on the teetering tower of to-dos in my head disappeared because we had a date and a plan.

And it makes sense. Because as I found out later, research shows that one of the best ways to fight stress is to come up with a plan for whatever you’re stressed about – instead of just letting things happen.

Related: 7 Best Family Bonding Games That Will Help You Reconnect Quickly {Printable}

How Family Goal-Setting Will Make Your Job As a Parent Easier

I mistakenly thought family goal-setting would just give me more to-dos, but I was missing the big picture.

Setting family goals transcends the daily slog of family life that can make us feel run-down and overwhelmed. Because when you’re working together towards a common goal, your connection with your family will be stronger.

Why does that matter? Connection breeds cooperation.

For example, when your kids feel a strong connection with you:

• Your kids will feel safer talking to you about tough topics, like problems with friends or something they’re struggling with at school.
• They’ll be more willing to jump in and help out, like when you’re making dinner or folding laundry.
• They may even listen the first time you ask them to pick up their toys – or at least they’ll listen before you get to your breaking point and threaten to throw all their toys in the trash.

Plus, setting family goals is an excellent way to teach your kids an important life skill before they leave the house: how to set a goal and stick to it until it’s done.

How to Set Family Goals Without Making It Formal And Weird

Until my husband’s impromptu family goal-setting session, I thought the idea of setting family goals sounded a little…stuffy.

But after that experience, I read as much as I could about the best way to set family goals, and I learned that setting family goals definitely doesn’t have to be formal or weird. It can actually be fun.

Since that day, we’ve set a few more goals together – big and small. I talked to every parent I know about how they tackle family goal-setting, and we worked out the kinks on the best process for how to set family goals.

Every family is different, but here are the “gotchas” we ran into and how to avoid them, plus the steps that brought about the best reactions from the whole family. And remember: The promise of s’mores certainly doesn’t hurt.

1. Pick One

Before you start a conversation with the whole family, pick just one family goal you’d like to talk about. The idea of setting family goals can be exciting because you’re dreaming of and planning for the future, so you may be tempted to bring up a few goals all at once. But especially if it’s your first attempt at family goal-setting, tackling more than one goal can be overwhelming – for you and the kids.

When you have a spouse or partner, you can try picking your first family goal after the kids are in bed.

Family Goals Examples

If you need ideas, here are a few family goals examples I’ve heard from friends and extended family:

1. Divvy up household chores to share the workload
2. Save up for a special family vacation
3. Eat more veggies
4. Volunteer together
5. Spend more time together as a family, like a family date night out, game night, movie night, and so on
6. Be more physically active together
7. Commit to having a device-free dinner every night
8. Start a family book club
9. Go somewhere new once a month
10. Start a garden
11. Take a class together, like a cooking class or a self-defense class
12. Establish a day once a month that mom gets the day off and everyone has to take care of her for a change (A girl can dream!)

2. Preload the First Decision

Make a decision ahead of time about when you’ll start the family goal-setting conversation with everyone. This will keep the idea from becoming another “one day” task that’s floating around in your head, competing for attention with all the other things on your mental to-do list.

You may get the best results if you start the conversation during or after a fun family event or tradition, like on pizza night, on family game night, before dessert, after a happy-making dance party, and so on.

For example, you might say, “After pizza night on Friday, I’ll start the conversation about saving up for a trip to Hawaii.”

To help you remember, you can set a reminder in your phone or tablet, or mark it on whatever calendar you use.

Also, no need to wait until January for these conversations! You can set family goals any time of year.

Related: Forget Candyland! This Is the Best List of Board Games for All Ages

3. Gather a Few Fun Supplies (Optional)

After you pick a date, you may want to gather a few helpful supplies before the conversation.

During the talk, it will be important to write down every idea offered up. (More on why that is in a minute.) So here are a few supplies you might find useful for doing that:

• Pick up a few brightly colored Post-It Notes^† so you can write ideas down and stick them on the wall while everyone talks,
• Get a jumbo-sized Post-It pad that you can put on the wall and write everything on, or
• If you have a chalk board or white board in your home, consider having the family goal-setting session near that. We have this cool black dry-erase board hanging in our breakfast nook – it’s where we write down our weekly meal plan, errands we need to run, important dates, and more – so that’s where we do our family goal-setting. (And here are the best markers we’ve found after trying lots of duds that dried out fast.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

4. Pretend You’re the WD-40

After talking to many other parents about how they tackle family goal-setting, I’ve learned the number one danger is allowing yourself as the parent to assume the role of dictator, not facilitator. The truth is when you’re standing up in front of everyone trying to lead a discussion, it’s natural to find yourself responding to blank stares and silence by sharing your opinions and ideas.

Unfortunately, as a leader in your family, sharing your opinions and ideas first may cause everyone else to clam up. Your kids especially may be scared to share their thoughts because they’re expecting to be told “no.” And to be fair, kids do tend to hear “no” from parents a lot, so it’s understandable that they’d feel hesitant to speak up.

But if you do all the talking, your family goal-setting session can quickly become a one-woman or one-man show. The problem with that? Without involvement and buy-in from the rest of your family, it will be hard to make real progress on whatever goal you had in mind. And goodness knows you don’t need any more family goals resting solely on your own shoulders.

Here are a few tried-and-true tricks for making sure that setting family goals ends up being a group effort, not a top-down dictatorship. Just remember: Above all, your goal is to grease the wheels of the conversation – be the WD-40.

• Invite everyone to chime in. You can do this by quickly stating what you want to talk about, then shifting right into a question. For example, you might say something like, “We’ve been talking about starting a family book club for a while, so can we come up with a plan for starting it?” Or as another example: “Dad and I thought it would be fun to start volunteering together as a family to help others who haven’t been as lucky as we have. What do you think?” Or: “You might have noticed that Mom and I act like the Oscar the Grouch when we’re doing household chores all alone. How can we all pitch in to get housework done faster?”
• Repeat and write. This is where those colorful Post-It Notes, giant Post-It pads, or a white board or chalkboard from step 3 can come in handy. For every idea or question someone offers up, repeat it out loud then write it down without making any comment on the idea. Even if you don’t end up using that idea, this simple step will help everyone feel heard and like they contributed to the conversation. If you skip this step, you can quickly kill the brainstorming vibe. If you shoot down an idea right after your kid offers it up, she’ll be less likely to speak up again, and you’ll be left with blank stares instead of an engaged family. After you write down all the ideas, you can circle back and decide as a group which ones to incorporate.
• Summarize often. One helpful trick that several parents mentioned is to summarize the conversation as much as possible. This could be your kids’ first experience having a group discussion with the goal of making a joint decision, so summarizing the major points can help them keep track of the direction of the conversation. One phrase that works well for this is, “What I’m hearing is that xyz. Does that sound right?” For example, you might say something like, “What I’m hearing is that we all want to go to Hawaii this year, but saving up that much money that quickly would mean making some sacrifices.” or “What I’m hearing is that we’d all love a family game night, but if Mom has to play Candyland one more time she may gouge her eyes out with a junky plastic game piece.”

5. WOOP Your Goal

Now you know how to facilitate the family goal-setting conversation, but how do you come up with a plan that will make your goal a reality?

You need WOOP.

The WOOP method for tackling personal goals is based on more than 20 years of research on what motivates us and what will drastically increase our chances of success in meeting those goals.

Here’s what the acronym stands for, plus how each step helps you make your goal a reality. At the end of this post, you’ll also get a handy printable that will help you use WOOP while setting family goals.

1. Wish – What do you dream of achieving? Ask everyone to say what they want out loud. Just be careful not to get stuck in this step, fantasizing about what you want. Because it can be so much fun to fantasize about the outcome that it keeps you from actually taking steps to get there. (For more on why this is, check out this TED talk.)
2. Outcome – Next, take your wish and clarify the outcome you want, being as specific as possible. For example, if your goal is “go on a summer family vacation,” you’ll be more likely to hit that goal if you can be more specific, like “save up enough money to go on family vacation to Hawaii in August.” If you know exactly how much you need to save, go ahead and be specific on that part, too. To get the family involved in brainstorming all these details, you can ask lots of what, where, when, and how questions during the family goal-setting conversation. Example: If someone says, “Let’s go on a big family vacation” then you could say, “We want to go on a big family vacation. Where do we want to go?”
3. Obstacle – After you clarify the exact outcome your family wants, you can ask, “What might get in the way of this happening?” That will help your family articulate the obstacles that could get in the way of achieving that outcome. The simple step of anticipating which obstacles could trip you up will increase the chances that when you do hit one of those obstacles, they won’t throw you off course. For example, building on the vacation example in the last bullet, one obstacle could be spending money on eating out when you could use it to save up for vacation. Keep asking, “What else?” in this step until you’ve come up with as many obstacles as you can think of.
4. Plan – Next, create mini “if-then” plans for each obstacle you came up with. To get your family thinking about a plan for each obstacle, you can ask, “If this happens, then what will we do?” The goal is to come up with “if-then” plans like, “If we don’t have enough food in the house for dinner, then Mom or Dad will run to the grocery store real quick to get a rotisserie chicken and sweet potatoes for a cheap dinner of chicken sandwiches.” or “If Mom is craving Starbucks, then she’ll grab a fancy bag of coffee at the grocery store instead and only whine a little bit about it not being a caramel latte with extra whip.”

6. Put It on Display

At the end of the conversation, write down the final plan and put it on display as a visible reminder for everyone.

Assuming matching family tattoos aren’t your style, here are a few ideas for how to make this happen:

• Fill out the free printable WOOP family goal-setting worksheet from the end of this post, then hang that up on the fridge.
• If you have a family calendar or family command station, add the goal there.
• Ask the kids to make a poster about the goal and your plan, then hang it up in a common area of the house.

7. Circle Back

Having the initial family goal-setting conversation is a big step, but to increase your chances of following through, you’ll want to revisit the plan on a regular basis.

For example, you might set a reminder on your phone once a week to bring it up during family dinner. You can share the progress you’ve seen, then ask everyone else to share what’s working and what’s not working so well.

This gives you an opportunity to come up with new “if-then” plans to address any obstacles you didn’t anticipate, remind yourselves of the “if-then” plans you committed to, and most important of all: celebrate the small wins.

Especially when you have an ambitious family goal, celebrating the small wins is essential to helping everyone feel that you’re making progress towards that goal along the way, which motivates everyone to keep going.

A few ideas for how to celebrate your small wins:

• Bust out a favorite family board game
• Go to the park
• Crank up a favorite song for an impromptu family dance party
• Rent a new movie you’ve been wanting to watch
• And our favorite…make s’mores!

Get Your Free Family Goal-Setting Worksheet

Use this free printable to get your family excited about tackling important family goals. And remember: This isn’t just something I cooked up in my head. This method for setting goals is backed by 20 years of research on what motivates us.

1. Get the free worksheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Fill out the worksheet during a family goal-setting session.
4. Hang up your completed worksheet as a visible reminder of what you’re working towards as a team.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable worksheet for setting family goals:

Your Turn

What are your best tips for family goal-setting? Share in a comment below!

The post Want Your Family to Share the Load? Here’s the Best Way to Set Family Goals appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One night not long ago, we had the triple threat – three simultaneous emotional breakdowns from three of our kids:

• One girl had a bruised heart because of less-than-kind words spoken to her.
• Another kid was impatient for something she’d asked for and wasn’t getting fast enough in her opinion.
• And the toddler was just plain annoyed that while we talked her sisters through their emotional upset, she was getting absolutely zero attention.

The stress of the emotional firestorm got to me and my husband too, and we started speaking in short, clipped tones to each other. Part of that is because it’s impossible to speak in full sentences and be heard over a tantruming toddler and a sobbing preschooler. But it’s also just hard to keep a positive attitude when everyone else seems to be unhappy at the same time.

When big emotions swirl at high speeds through our family, I feel like crawling under the covers with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and loading up an old Buffy episode.

But I Learned the Hard Way

Ignoring a negative interaction only delays the inevitable. Because when you crawl out from under the covers, the deep rift between you and your child will still be there. It doesn’t magically disappear just because you tried to ignore it.

But a while ago, I came across a fix for this situation that actually is magic.

Science shows that to have a happy relationship in spite of the negative bits, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. If you have too few positive interactions to balance out the negative ones, you’ll end up with an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

Which means that to repair your relationship with your child after a negative moment, you need five positive interactions to balance out the negative.

It’s called the Magic 5:1 Ratio, and it works because of the power of connection.

In fact, research shows that when it comes to the wellbeing of both parents and kids, quality moments of connection are most important of all.

Here’s the Problem

Research shows the bad mood of one person can bring down the mood of everyone else in the family.

In other words, when you have a disconnect with one child, that can throw off the mood of another child or your spouse – or even everyone in the family.

This means that sometimes, your Magic 5:1 Ratio efforts need to cast a wider net.

And so on that day when we were all grumpy and snippy with each other, I called out: “Emergency family meeting right now! Living room rug!”

I don’t do this very often, so it gets the kids’ attention. But they’ve also learned that what’s coming next is exactly what they’re craving in their moment of emotional upset.

How to Fix the Bad Mood of Your Whole Family

Nine times out of ten, when bad moods descend on our family, the root cause is that one person (or more) feels a lack of connection. Literally a dis-connect.

• My oldest felt a lack of connection with the person who said something unkind to her,
• My preschooler felt disconnected when her requests (and then demands) went unanswered,
• My toddler felt she was being ignored by everyone all at once,
• And my husband and I felt like the kids didn’t appreciate that we were trying to help them through a tough moment.

What every one of us needed most of all was a moment of healthy connection with someone we love to help us pull out of the nosedive. Followed by another and another until we hit the Magic 5:1 Ratio.

But in this situation, you don’t exactly have time for five positive interactions with each person who’s caught up in the emotional storm.

To get the whole family back on track, you need an emergency dose of whole family connection.

But how in the world can you get that connection for the whole crew all at once?

Family bonding games.

Related: How to Reconnect With Your Child: 10 Miracle Phrases {Printable}

10 Best Family Bonding Games for an Emergency Dose of Connection

When you have more than one child who’s upset at the same time, you can hit the reset button for everyone all at once by using one of these family bonding games.

My kids like to call this “Get the Grumpies Out.” When one of us realizes the collective mood is spiraling down, we pick one of our favorite family bonding games and get back on track.

But we’re always on the lookout for new family bonding games! So after you read through our favorites, will you do me a favor and leave your favorite family bonding games in a comment below? You’ll be helping other families reconnect after tough moments and have fun doing it.

And now for our favorite family bonding games…

Related: 60 Meaningful Family Bonding Activities to Nurture a Loving Bond

1. Be a Copycat

• Ages: Toddler to elementary
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

Kids love this game. You all gather together, and the first person does something wild and crazy with their body – like busting out 10 jumping jacks, doing a handstand against the wall, making a funny face or a funny noise, or something else. Then that person says, “Can you do that?” to the rest of the group, and everyone does their best copycat.

What’s great about this game is that it forces you all to tune into and pay attention to each other, one at a time. The perfect antidote to feelings of disconnection!

If you want some fresh ideas for this emergency connection game, the You Do!^† game gives you 250 cards of silly things you can do.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

2. Sit in a Circle

• Ages: Preschooler to teen
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

For this one, you all sit in a circle facing each other. Then one person asks a question like, “What’s one thing you’re grateful for?” or “What would be the worst thing to eat in the whole world?” and everyone goes around the circle, taking turns answering the question. When that question is done, the next person gets to ask a question.

This encourages everyone to sit and listen to each other, and that goes a long way to healing bruised hearts.

For a list of the best questions you can use for this family circle time, grab this set of family conversation starters. We keep our conversation starter cards in a mason jar on the kitchen counter so it’s ready to go for the times we need an extra dose of connection.

We use these questions every night with our kids, and they’ve been a game-changer, helping us end every day feeling connected, loved, and happy. And what makes these conversation starters for families different from others is that they’ll get you more than the dreaded one-word answer from your kids.

3. Run to the Bed

• Ages: Toddler to teen
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

For something a little more low-energy, I call out “Family Cuddle Time!” and we all run to the master bedroom and pile into the bed.

Something about the tight quarters of two adults, a 9-year-old, a 4-year-old, and a squirmy toddler all squished into one king-sized bed makes everyone giggle. And then as the giggles fade, deep breaths and sighs take their place.

The closeness and shared quiet is one of the best reset buttons you could hope for.

Related: The After School Routine for Busy Families That Will Make You Smile {Printable}

4. Hold a Surprise

• Ages: Toddler to elementary
• Time Required: 5 minutes

For this game, you start by holding out closed fists to one child and saying, “Pick one.”

Your child touches one fist, and you turn it over so they can open it. As they pry your fist open, you say, “It’s a…” and then pick something to surprise them with like a hug, a kiss, or something else fun.

For example, you might say, “It’s a…hug!” Then when your fist is open, pull your little one into a surprise hug. Guaranteed giggles.

Here are a few of our favorite surprises for this game:

• Hug
• Kiss
• Tickle
• Hair mess-up – Take your hand and mess up their hair
• Massage – Rub their shoulders
• Eskimo kiss
• Butterfly kiss
• Fist bump
• High five

But feel free to be creative and invent your own! Your kids might surprise you, too.

One night when putting my toddler to bed, she asked me to sing Mary Had a Little Lamb. When I finished, she asked for it again. I said no, she asked again, and I said no again.

Then she held out her little fists to me and said, “Pick one.” I picked a fist and opened it, and she said, “It’s Mary Had a Little Lamb!” How could I say no to that?!

Related: 21 Sweet and Silly Ways to Hug Your Child So They Feel Absolutely Loved {Printable}

5. Shuffle the Deck

• Ages: Toddler to teen
• Time Required: 10-15 minutes

Playing board games and card games is an excellent way to connect as a family, but many of the most popular family games take a long time to play.

Here are the best games for all ages that you can play in 15 minutes or less. What works well is to pick one game as your go-to game so you can learn the rules really well. Then when you’re all grumpy, nobody needs to refresh their memory on how to play.

• Sleeping Queens – This is our number one go-to family card game. The rules were simple enough for our preschooler to understand at the age of three, but the game still keeps everyone on their toes. We never get tired of this game! Plus, you can play a whole game in about 10 minutes. When it comes to family bonding games, this one’s perfect for getting in a quick dose of family connection before sending little ones off to bed.
  • Age Range: 4 and up
  • Time to Play: 10-15 minutes
  • Number of Players: 2-5
• Sushi Go! – This card game takes just 15 minutes to play and is oodles of fun. Perfect for families who love sushi!
  • Age Range: 5 and up
  • Time to Play: 15 minutes
  • Number of Players: 2-5
• Spot It! – My favorite part of this game is that it’s so portable. I can throw it in my purse so it’s handy for whenever we need an extra dose of connection while we’re out and about.
  • Age Range: 3 and up for Spot It! Jr Animals and 123; 5 and up for Spot It! Classic
  • Time to Play: 10-20 minutes
  • Number of Players: 2-8

Black Friday’s back: Get 30% off all games with the code HAPPY30. Plus, free shipping for orders $49+.

4,687 families purchased this game after reading this post…

$18 from Amazon* $18 from our family shop * Price at time of publishing

Sleeping Queens

    
“My daughter and I love Sleeping Queens! It teaches them math without them even realizing it – or me, for that matter. I remember my daughter laid down a sequence that was like 1 + 3 + 5 = 9, and I thought ‘How did you know that…?’ Then I realized she just figured it out from doing math in the game. So cool to watch her learn right before my eyes.” – Ann

Related: Forget Candyland! This Is the Best List of Board Games for All Ages

6. Hide-and-Seek

• Ages: Toddler to tween
• Time Required: 10-15 minutes

A classic game of hide-and-seek for the whole family may be just what you need to chase the grumpies away.

My personal favorite is when our toddler “hides” and the rest of the family (older kids included) all pretend not to see that she’s sitting in plain sight. We all unite in our goal of protecting the magic of the game for her, even though she doesn’t have the hang of it quite yet.

Or if it’s more your speed, here are a few more quick games that will bring the whole family together:

• Duck Duck Goose
• Red Light, Green Light
• Mother, May I?
• Sardines
• Simon Says

7. Crank It Up

• Ages: Toddler to teen
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

Next time you have a collective case of the crankies, fire up a song everyone loves and dance away the bad mojo. Research shows that young kids get a big dose of happy when moving their bodies to a rhythmic beat.

Not only will the movement help everyone’s moods, you’ll also burn a few calories. Which means you can skip working out, or at least skip feeling guilty for not working out. (You’re welcome!)

But did you notice how I said to fire up a song everyone loves? This emergency dose of connection won’t work if the song is a favorite for your kids but makes you want to destroy your eardrums with an apple corer.

Here’s a list of the best dance songs for kids – and parents too. Make a playlist ahead of time using that happy dance music for kids, and you’ll be ready for the next time Grumpelstiltskin comes to visit.

Related: 20 Best Kids’ Dance Songs With Clean Lyrics (And Loved by Parents, Too)

8. Draw a Secret Message

• Ages: Preschooler to tween
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

Use your finger to write a message on your child’s back and have them guess what you wrote. You’ll connect through physical touch, and they’ll feel proud when they figure out the message.

For younger kids, you can draw shapes like a heart or a star. For older kids, try a simple “I love you,” silly words to make them laugh like “flimflam,” or commands like “jump” or “skip” that they have to act out.

9. Make Up a Story

• Ages: Toddler to tween
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

Go around the table and take turns adding a sentence to a story. For example, the first person might start with, “Once upon a time, a girl decided to go on an adventure in the forest.” The next person might add, “What the girl didn’t realize is that the magical creatures of the forest were currently engaged in an epic battle.”

You’ll love hearing what your kids come up with!

If you’d like more structure with this family bonding game, pick up a set of these gorgeous Create a Story cards in our family-owned game shop. To play the card game, each player takes turns picking a card. The first person starts the story with “Once upon a time…” and then on the next turn, the next person picks a card and uses that as inspiration to add to the story. The stories we come up with as a family always leave us giggling. Even my toddler loves to play!

1,208 families purchased this game after reading this post…

$12 from Amazon* $12 from our family shop * Price at time of publishing

Create a Story Cards

    
“This little game is quick, easy, and fun! You pick a card, say “Once upon a time…”, and let your child fill in the details. Then you can ask follow-up questions like “and then what happened?” until they peter out. I love that this requires minimal brainpower from me when I’m tired (which is always) and my daughter LOVES coming up with the stories. Great for her imagination!” – Fiona

10. Play Keepy-Uppy

• Ages: Toddler to tween
• Time Required: 5-10 minutes

Blow up a balloon, toss it in the air, and then whatever you do—don’t let it touch the ground.

Prepare for giggles as you work together to keep the balloon in the air. To make it more of a challenge, you can turn on a fan or make a rule that you can use only your head to hit the balloon.

And who knows—your kids might just get a bonus lesson on tidying up their toys like Bluey and Bingo did.

Related: Why Your Kids Leave Toys Everywhere + How to Fix It With Toy Rotation {Printable}

Bonus: How to Reconnect After a Tough Moment With Your Child

After a negative interaction with your child, you need to reconnect through a positive moment or two so you can close the distance between you and your child. Because if you don’t close that gap and your child feels a lack of connection, that will lead to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to do something.

But unfortunately, when your brain is flooded with stress hormones in the moment, it’s incredibly difficult to think of something fun and sweet to do with your child so you can reconnect.

Which is why I created these Family Connection Cards, based on the science of what actually works when you need to reconnect. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out how to reconnect with your child so you can just focus on nurturing your bond with your child. At any point during your day, you can pick a card to get a quick and simple idea for connecting.

And in just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

Want More?

For more ideas to help you feel even closer as a family, check out 60 Meaningful Family Bonding Activities to Nurture a Loving Bond.

Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear

Your Turn

What are your favorite family bonding games? Share in a comment below!

The post 10 Most Powerful Ways to Get an Emergency Dose of Family Connection appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

One Christmas when my oldest was a preschooler, something shifted compared to previous holiday seasons. Instead of getting a couple cute onesies and board books as gifts from loved ones, she got piles and piles of presents.

Grandparents on both sides sent gifts. Extended relatives. Family friends.

Not to mention the gifts we’d gotten her ourselves.

That Christmas morning, it took forever for my daughter to get through opening all the toys and gadgets and gifts. Then about five presents in, the light went out in her eyes.

She would carefully undo the tape on the wrapping, open the box, pull out the gift, and set it on the teetering stack next to her. Then she’d look up with a small smile, say “thank you,” and move onto the next gift.

She could no longer get excited because she was absolutely overwhelmed.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get this free printable 4-gift wish list and fill it out with your child. You’ll help them focus on what truly matters this holiday season and foster some powerful conversation about wants versus needs.

We Had to Make a Change

That night lying next to each other in bed, my husband and I talked about how our daughter became almost robot-like when she hit that point of overwhelm.

That’s not what we wanted our holiday season to be about – overloading our child with gifts until she has to shut down just to cope with the excess of stuff. Plus, we wanted to try to have another baby one day, so we knew that sort of gift-giving free-for-all wouldn’t be sustainable as our family grew.

That night, I Googled “how to keep Christmas from getting out of control” and stumbled on the tradition of giving 4 gifts for Christmas – a simple guideline that’s supposed to help you keep the holiday season focused on what really matters. With the 4-gift rule, each person gets just four gifts for Christmas:

1. Something you want,
2. Something you need,
3. Something to wear, and
4. Something to read.

Not just a catchy little rhyme, the 4-gift rule for Christmas promises to help keep your holiday season from devolving into a materialistic frenzy of more, more, more and helps you stick to a reasonable budget.

But more important than that, many parents report that giving just four gifts for Christmas can help you raise kids who appreciate what they have instead of following in Dudley Dursley’s footsteps and throwing a temper tantrum when they end up with 36 presents instead of last year’s 37.

This Is What Giving 4 Gifts for Christmas Really Looks Like

We were excited to start the “want need wear read” tradition, but we had to wait a whole year. Starting in July, we were already thinking ahead to what special gifts would make the cut with the 4-gift rule.

But by the time November hit, I started feeling a little panicky. By shifting so abruptly from the excessive haul of gifts last year to just 4 things for Christmas this year, would we ruin the magic of Christmas for our child?

My husband and I were relieved to have the 4-gift rule to rein ourselves in when it came to buying gifts for each other because we tended to go overboard with each other, too. But we couldn’t shake our worries about what the 4-present rule would do to our daughter’s experience on Christmas morning.

After lots of debate and second-guessing ourselves, this is what we ultimately decided on for her 4 gifts for Christmas that year:

• What she wanted most of all was an American Girl doll, so that was her “something you want.”
• A big package of colorful socks for her growing little feet was her “something you need.”
• For “something to wear,” a pretty new dress.
• And for “something to read,” a set of classic Beverly Cleary paperbacks^†.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

We didn’t completely get the grandparents and extended family bought into the 4-present tradition, but they did tone it way down compared to the previous year. Their gifts tended to be mostly books and clothes instead of plastic toys that would end up collecting dust on a shelf within a week.

Related: This Is the Best Way to Politely Request No Christmas Gifts This Year

So…Did We Ruin Christmas Morning?

That was our daughter’s last Christmas as an only child, and the three of us stayed in our jammies that morning while opening presents. Her pile of presents was easily a fourth of the size of the previous year’s massive pile.

My husband and I sat on the floor next to her, sipping our coffee. Because we didn’t have a huge stack of presents to get through ourselves, we could afford to pause with her after each gift to appreciate what it was and who it came from.

And the light never went out of her eyes.

She didn’t hit that point of overwhelm. She didn’t turn into a robot going through the motions of opening presents. She stayed in the moment with us, enjoying the delight of a few thoughtful surprises.

Ever since that holiday season, we’ve stuck with the 4-gift rule, and it’s been a game-changer for taming the excess of the holiday season.

We especially love how the “want need wear read” tradition brings a sense of intention to our gift-giving. Because when you’re giving just 4 gifts for Christmas, they end up being incredibly thoughtful gifts – not random gadgets or trinkets you get just to get something, even though you know they’ll soon end up shoved in a closet or somewhere else out of sight, forgotten and collecting dust.

All this to say: Our new tradition of giving each other just 4 gifts for Christmas didn’t ruin our Christmas. It saved our Christmas.

But What About…?

As with any family tradition, you’ll have to make the 4-gift rule your own so it feels right to you and your family. But here are some common “gotchas” with shifting to giving 4 gifts for Christmas and suggestions for how you can avoid them.

To be clear, I’m certainly not the be-all-end-all expert on this topic. But I have picked the brains of every family I know who’s started giving just 4 gifts for Christmas. Below, you’ll find the culmination of tips and tricks from many, many families who’ve adopted the 4-gift rule. For example:

• Do you follow the 4-gift rule for stockings, too?
• How do you handle it when your kids expect more than 4 gifts for Christmas?
• What about gifts from siblings to one another?
• How can you get grandparents and extended family on board with limiting gifts?
• How do you handle Santa gifts?

After that, you’ll find a list of the best “want need wear read” gift ideas. Enjoy!

Do you follow the 4-gift rule for stockings, too?

Just like with too many gifts under the tree, an overflowing stocking can be overwhelming for kids, too. Instead of filling your kids’ stockings with small plasticky junk that will end up broken or lost within a few days, consider going for quality over quantity.

A few ideas for how to get a fun (but less overwhelming) mix of stocking stuffers:

• Replace several “stuff” gifts with one or two of these small but meaningful gifts that make the perfect stocking stuffers for kids. One of our kids’ favorite stocking stuffers were these family conversation starters. We still use those conversation starters every night to reconnect as a family, and the answers we get from our kids are pure gold!

These family conversation starters make a great stocking stuffer for kids.

• Make a special treat, like your child’s favorite kind of cookie or a chocolate goody. Or if you’re not great in the kitchen, pick up a special ready-made treat like a chocolate bar from the fancy chocolate section of the grocery store. One high-quality treat can teach little ones to savor what they have instead of a whole bag of junky treats that they inhale without really appreciating.
• Add a card game that will be fun for the whole family to play. You can check my list of the best board games and card games for all ages for ideas, but to save you time I’ll list our favorite card games here real quick: Sleeping Queens, Sushi Go!, Rat-a-Tat Cat, Create a Story, and Spot It!. Also, Travel Qwirkle isn’t a card game, but it’s oodles of fun and small enough to fit into a stocking!

Black Friday’s back: Get 30% off all games with the code HAPPY30. Plus, free shipping for orders $49+.

4,687 families purchased this game after reading this post…

$18 from Amazon* $18 from our family shop * Price at time of publishing

Sleeping Queens

    
“My daughter and I love Sleeping Queens! It teaches them math without them even realizing it – or me, for that matter. I remember my daughter laid down a sequence that was like 1 + 3 + 5 = 9, and I thought ‘How did you know that…?’ Then I realized she just figured it out from doing math in the game. So cool to watch her learn right before my eyes.” – Ann

Related: Forget the Typical Stocking Stuffers. Here Are 10 Small But Meaningful Gifts for Kids.

How do you handle it when your kids expect more than 4 gifts for Christmas?

If your kids are young, they likely won’t even notice the shift to 4 gifts for Christmas. Our daughter was almost five when we made the change, and she didn’t think anything of it.

Some kids end up loving the smallest, least expensive gift most of all anyway. Not to mention that toddlers and preschoolers tend to be happiest playing with the cardboard boxes the gifts came in!

But if your kids are older and tend to be concerned with how many gifts they get each year, you may want to get them on board upfront to head off any hint of disappointment on Christmas morning. If your kids are old enough to remember how many gifts they got last year and to expect the same or more this year, they’re old enough for a frank discussion about gift giving and what’s most important during the holiday season.

You can do this in a few different ways, depending on what will resonate best with your kiddos:

• Reminisce together – One night at dinner, start a conversation about gifts and the ones that stick with you. For example, you can try asking, “What’s your favorite gift you’ve ever received? Something you still remember, even if it was a while ago?” Go ahead and share your answer, too. You may find that everyone’s favorite gifts were the kind that give you treasured memories, not gifts that come from a store. That can open the door to a discussion about how you can give each other that kind of gift this holiday season instead of just a bunch of stuff that will be forgotten.
• Give them a higher purpose – As a family, read a children’s book about how some people may not have all the same things your family has. One picture book that made a huge impact on my kids was A Chair for My Mother. In my preschooler’s words: “I liked it when the whole town helped the family.” For tweens and teens, you can watch a documentary with them like Living On One Dollar. Then you can start a discussion about how some others may not have enough food for their families, or a home to keep them warm, or shoes that fit their feet. You might try asking your kids something like, “This Christmas, how could we help people who need food and clothes?” If they don’t take the bait, you can go ahead and plant the seed: “Could we save some money that we usually spend on gifts for ourselves to help others who need it more than we do?”
• Be upfront – If what led you to the 4-gift rule is the promise of keeping your holiday budget under control, go ahead and let your kids know. It’s good for kids to understand that adults have to make choices about how to spend money, and they’re not always easy choices – because they’ll have to make those choices one day, too. Just be careful not to stress your kids out with adult-level money concerns. For example, you might say, “Typically, we spend a lot of money on Christmas gifts, but that means when we want or need something next year, we may not have the money for it. So this year, we’re going to focus on giving a few awesome gifts instead of lots of just okay gifts.” If your kids aren’t familiar with the phrase “quality over quantity” yet, now would be a good time to introduce that concept.

You can also share a want need wear read Christmas list printable with your kids instead of asking them to write a typical free-for-all wish list. At the end of this post, you can get a free want need wear read Christmas printable that you can print and share with your kids.

Get Your Copy: Free Printable 4-Gift Wish List for Kids

What about gifts from siblings to one another?

Encouraging siblings to think of others is a good thing, but giving one gift to each other should be plenty to help kids learn the art of gift giving. Our favorite way to get our kids excited about giving gifts to each other is the Sibling Super Secret Spy Shopping Trip.

Still, if you have more than two kids, every kid getting a gift for every sibling can quickly add up. In that case, you can have the kids draw names from a hat, Secret Santa style.

How can you get grandparents and extended family on board with limiting gifts?

This is a common issue for many families, so I put together a list of all the best ideas for how to politely request no Christmas gifts or fewer gifts. Because we all know simply saying “no Christmas gifts please” won’t cut it.

How do you handle Santa gifts?

Full disclosure: In my family, we don’t do Santa gifts. But here are a few ideas I heard from other families who do incorporate Santa into their holiday traditions:

• Follow the 4-gift rule for gifts from you to your kids, then give one special “Santa gift.” If your kids are used to more gifts than that, you can explain that Santa’s sleigh is only so big, and he has millions of children to visit every Christmas Eve, so he can fit only one gift per child. Watching a movie like The Polar Express can help reinforce this “one gift from Santa” message.
• Explain that every year, more and more kids are being born, and Santa is having trouble fitting bigger gifts in his sleigh. This year, he’s switching to filling stockings instead of leaving gifts under the tree.
• Make Santa’s gift an experience gift for the whole family. For example, Santa could gift your whole family a movie night in a box, a monthly subscription box, or everything you need for a family camping trip including s’mores fixin’s (even if it’s just in your own backyard or living room!). Our favorite subscription box for kids is from Kiwi Crates. These monthly hands-on projects are perfect for curious kids, kids who love science, creative kids, kids who love to tinker, and more…in other words, every kid. We received this as a gift last year, and my kids run to the mailbox on the day it’s due to arrive every month. To get your first Kiwi Crate subscription box for $4.95, click here and use the coupon code GIFT.

For more fun experience gift ideas, check out The Ultimate (Most Epic!) List of the Best Experience Gift Ideas.

28 Best “Want Need Wear Read” Gift Ideas for Kids

The first year we sat down to figure out 4 gifts for Christmas for everyone in our immediate family, we drew a blank on a couple of the categories.

In a free-for-all gift giving situation, it doesn’t matter if some gifts are duds because you have tons of other gifts to pick up the slack. But when you start the 4-gift tradition with your family, you may find yourself wanting to make sure each gift is stellar. If your child is getting just 4 gifts for Christmas, there’s no room for duds.

Because it can be a little more challenging to find the perfect gift to fit into each “want need wear read” category, here are a few “want need wear read” gift ideas for you.

Something You Want

For “something you want,” it’s your chance to give your child the one thing you know will make their little face light up. This may be the easiest category to tackle because a lot of kids have one wish list item they’ve been talking about for weeks (or months), whether that’s a toy, electronics, or a brand new art set to replace a hodge-podge mess of broken crayons and dried-out markers.

On the other hand, some kids – especially younger kids – may change what’s at the top of their wish list on a daily basis. In that situation, you know your child best and what will delight her. In our family, we try to go with a gift idea our preschooler has mentioned a few times rather than a gift idea she first heard about the week before Christmas.

But if your child doesn’t have a clear “want,” check out this huge list of The Most Meaningful Gifts for Kids Who Have Everything. To save you some time, here are the top 3 most popular gift ideas from that list:

• Make a date once a month. Most kids want nothing more than one-on-one time with the important people in their lives, so gift them a year of monthly “dates” of special one-on-one time with you.
  How to Wrap It: Grab 12 colorful envelopes like these, label them with the months, and insert a card or brochure about each special day. Activities could include going out for ice cream, bowling, seeing a movie together, or anything else the child would enjoy doing with you. To save time, you can slip one of our popular Family Connection Cards into the envelope. For more ideas, check out this mom’s story of how she put this gift together.
• Take them somewhere super fun. Get tickets to your child’s favorite local amusement park, theme park, or water park – or make plans for some other extra special outing like a bouncy house center, indoor rock climbing gym, trampoline park, bowling alley, miniature golf course, skating rink, or any other place they’d love to go. Your child will get the gift of an awesome day when you take them on this special outing, plus they’ll build memories that will stick with them for a long time.
  How to Wrap It: Print a photo of where you’re taking them (or a promotional flyer would work too) and wrap that.
• Send a monthly box of fun. You can find a monthly subscription box for just about anything nowadays, from art projects to science experiments. And even though you’re technically gifting a subscription box to the kids, parents benefit too because you’re helping keep the kids busy with a new project once a month! Our favorite subscription box ever is from Kiwi Crates because the fun hands-on projects in their boxes are custom tailored to every age from newborns (yes, really!) to teenagers and everything in between. We received this as a gift last year, and my kids run to the mailbox on the day it’s due to arrive every month. For more subscription box ideas, check out The Most Meaningful Gifts for Kids Who Have Everything.
  How to Wrap It: Typically, you can pick the date of the first box delivery and add a special note from you to the recipient inside the box to let them know to expect a new box every month.

Something You Need

If your family is blessed to be able to provide for your children’s needs when they crop up instead of waiting for birthdays and holidays, this category may be a challenge.

Here are a few ideas of things kids tend to need:

• Shoes to replace ones that are worn out or too small
• A sturdy backpack in a fun pattern to replace one that’s falling apart
• If they play sports: sports equipment or gear like a new soccer ball, volleyball, and so on
• A bike helmet if they’ve outgrown their current helmet (same goes for knee and elbow pads)
• A winter coat
• A sleeping bag if they’ve outgrown the one they have
• A small wheelie suitcase they can use for family vacations and sleepovers
• Underwear, socks, and/or belts (by the way, Solmate Socks are my kids’ favorite because you can wear them mismatched!)
• A lunch box and/or reusable water bottle (we love the Hydro Flask water bottles for kids because they’re all stainless steel, insulated, and super durable)
• Pajamas
• A cute container to keep their toys organized (we love the Stuff ‘n Sit, which looks like just a regular bean bag but is actually a way to store stuffed animals, so you get a tidy room and an extra place to sit)
• An art caddy to organize all their art supplies (one of my kids loves making art, so we got her this portable arts and crafts organizer, and she was on cloud nine!)
• Sheets or other bedding if their current set is getting frayed or has holes in it
• A nice annual planner or calendar to keep track of school deadlines and extracurricular commitments (my kids have always loved these Erin Condren planners designed just for kids)

Something to Wear

The obvious choice here is clothing, but here are a few creative gifts that also work in this category:

• Dress-up clothes for pretend play (this set of superhero capes from a couple years ago is something all three of my girls still play with regularly – here’s the version for male superheroes)
• A watch or an activity tracker to help them get enough exercise every day (my oldest won’t go anywhere without her Fitbit Ace for kids, and it motivates her to get at least 10,000 steps every day!)
• Perfume or cologne
• A purse or wallet (I know my kids love anything that makes them feel like a grown-up!)
• Jewelry
• Noise-cancelling headphones so they can focus on schoolwork, especially if they have younger siblings

Something to Read

For kids who enjoy reading, this category is a no-brainer. The hard part may be picking just one book to gift!

Because my oldest tends to devour fiction quickly and doesn’t re-read it unless it’s an all-time favorite like Harry Potter, I try to gift books she’ll enjoy coming back to again and again, like how-to guides or project-based books. (This year, I’m considering getting her a copy of Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids, which she checked out from the library and loved.)

For my preschooler and toddler, I pay attention to which picture books we’ve checked out from the library and they ask to read again and again, then I’ll get them a copy of their very own so we can read that favorite to them anytime they want.

But if you have a child who doesn’t enjoy reading, don’t despair because here are a few creative ideas for the “something to read” category:

• Subscribe to a fun magazine. Kids love getting mail addressed just to them, and they’ll be building their reading skills without even realizing it. Plus, most kids’ magazines include activity and craft ideas for kids. And after the kids are done reading, they can pass the magazine along to a friend. A few ideas for you: Highlights, Ranger Rick Jr, or anything in the Cricket magazine family like Ladybug for 3- to 6-year-olds, Cricket for 9- to 14-year-olds, and more.
• Wrap a book with pictures. For older kids who don’t enjoy reading, remember that comic books and graphic novels totally count as “something to read,” too. You can’t go wrong with Calvin and Hobbes , and these graphic novels are perfect for kids: the Amulet series, Real Friends, Ghosts, and Invisible Emmie.
• Give them a book that transcends reading. Especially if the child doesn’t enjoy reading, get them a book they can put to good use. These books give the child projects and activities they can do or make, and they’ll likely find they do love books after all. Here are a few of our favorites:
  • Kitchen Science Lab for Kids: 52 Family Friendly Experiments from the Pantry – This isn’t exactly a cookbook but more a collection of super fun science experiments you can do in the kitchen.
  • Out of the Box – Projects kids can make using old cardboard boxes. Think of all the empty cardboard boxes on Christmas morning that they can reimagine into fun building projects! We recently got this for our preschooler, and she ATE IT UP.
  • Rosie Revere’s Big Project Book for Bold Engineers and Iggy Peck’s Big Project Book for Amazing Architects and Ada Twist’s Big Project Book for Stellar Scientists – We’ve been drooling over these since they were first released, and we just picked up the first one and plan to get the next two as well. If the child enjoyed the companion picture books Rosie Revere, Engineer and Iggy Peck, Architect and Ada Twist, Scientist, these activity books are the perfect fit.
• Share your childhood favorite. What was your favorite book as a child? Get a copy to share with the child, and write a special note on the inside cover about why it’s your favorite. That personal touch may be just the nudge they need to give it a go.
• Give them the best. We read a lot of kids’ books in my house. A lot. We check out at least 20 new picture books a week, and my oldest polishes off a chapter book every other day. And here’s what we’ve learned: Just because a kids’ book is on the Amazon bestseller list doesn’t mean it’s something kids will actually enjoy reading. Sometimes kids may not enjoy reading because they haven’t found the right book yet. Here are our top recommendations for each age range, approved by kids and parents:
  • Board books – Bear Snores On, Good Night Gorilla, and Everywhere Babies. For more ideas, check out The Best Baby Board Books That Will Delight Your Baby (And You).
  • Picture books – Our Tree Named Steve, Plant a Kiss, and Strictly No Elephants. Check out The Ultimate List of the Best Picture Books, Endorsed by Kids And Parents for more ideas.
  • Chapter books – Because of Winn-Dixie, Harry Potter, The Penderwicks, The Underneath, and Wonder. For more chapter book ideas, head to 48 Awesome Chapter Books for Kids Your Child Will Devour.
  • Young adult books – Graceling, A Great and Terrible Beauty, Hunger Games, and Jellicoe Road.

Get Your Free Printable: A Wish List for Kids

To get my kids on board with the 4-gift rule for Christmas, I designed a printable wish list they could fill out.

This printable may seem simple, but it’s actually fostered some of the best conversations we’ve ever had with our children about “wants” versus “needs.” Plus, when you tell your child they can put only one idea in each box, they get laser-focused about what they really want for Christmas instead of getting hung up on junky toys they’ll lose interest in after a few days. Parenting win!

1. Get the free checklist. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print one for each child. If the adults in your family will be joining in on the 4-gift rule (and why wouldn’t they?!) go ahead and print a copy for them, too!
3. Explain the 4-gift rule to your child if you haven’t already. For tips on this step, see the “How do you handle it when your kids expect more than 4 gifts for Christmas?” section earlier in this post.
4. Ask your child to fill it out. The most fun is when you can spend a few minutes filling it out together and talking through each category, but your child can also fill it out independently and give it to you when she’s done.

Here’s a sneak peek of your 4-gift rule wish list:

Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear

Your Turn

If you’ve made the shift to 4 gifts for Christmas, what tips would you add? Share in a comment below!

The post 4 Gifts for Christmas: How to Make Your Family Happy With Less appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

For a while now, my family has followed the four-gift tradition during the holiday season in order to keep gift-giving from getting out of control. If you haven’t heard of this tradition before, each person gets just four gifts: something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read.

The person who came up with this tradition (and catchy little rhyme!) is a genius. For example:

• We love how the four-gift rule brings a sense of intention to our gift-giving. When you’re giving just four gifts, they end up being incredibly thoughtful gifts.
• The tradition keeps our holiday season from devolving into a materialistic frenzy of more, more, more and helps us stick to a reasonable budget.
• It’s important to my husband and me that we raise kids who appreciate what they have instead of following in Dudley Dursley’s footsteps and throwing a temper tantrum when they end up with 36 presents instead of last year’s 37.

But there’s just one problem with this magical little tradition.

Stockings.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free printable coupon book for kids that will make the perfect gift for your child.

A Tricky Holiday Dilemma

If your family holiday traditions include stockings, they would look awfully sad hanging limp and empty on the mantle.

And so try as you might to keep your child’s gifts under the tree to a reasonable number, your quest to fill the stockings can land you in the same spot of getting stuff just for the sake of getting stuff, spending more than you should, and overwhelming your kids with so many little toys and trinkets that it diminishes their appreciation of the whole lot.

One year, I put together a list of the best non-toy, no-junk stocking stuffers for kids, and sticking to that list fixed our stocking stuffer dilemma.

But one stocking stuffer in particular has proven to be the absolute favorite for my kids (and for me and my husband) – a coupon book for kids.

If you don’t happen to do stockings in your family, this gift is awesome enough to be a regular main-attraction gift too.

Related: Forget the Typical Stocking Stuffers. Here Are 10 Small But Meaningful Gifts for Kids.

Here’s How It Works

As adults, we’re always the one calling the shots when it comes to where we go, what we do, what we eat…everything. For example, kids don’t typically get a say in which errands we run on the weekend or what we have for dinner.

Which is why the gift of a coupon book will delight your child like no other. In her stocking, give her a personalized coupon book for kids she can use to cash in on fun experiences throughout the year.

Your kid will love calling the shots, and on the plus side you get to go along for the fun ride too. You might end up spending a whole day in your jammies, baking a yummy dessert together, or taking a mental health day off school and work (yes, please!).

Not only will this coupon book for kids tame the “stuff” overload that threatens to overwhelm kids during the holidays, you’ll be setting yourself and your child up for an extra dose of meaningful connection throughout the year that will fill both your tanks to the brim.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

A Free Printable Coupon Book for Kids

Because my little ones adore the gift of a coupon book for kids, I designed a free printable set of coupons for you to share with your child. Get the coupons below so you can brighten your child’s holiday with this special gift.

Case in point: As I was designing this set of coupons to share with you, my oldest daughter peeked over my shoulder and asked, “What are you doing?”

I explained how I wanted to share the idea of a kids’ coupon book with other families, then added some examples to get the point across: “Like you could use this coupon to pick anything you want for dinner one night, or this one to stay up 30 minutes later at bedtime, or this one to camp out in the living room with s’mores…”

“Mommy,” she interrupted. “That’s all I want for Christmas! Just that.”

Here’s a preview for you:

Get Your Coupon Book for Kids

1. Get the coupon book. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe. (Want to write your own idea on the coupons? You’ll also get a blank sheet you can print to write in your own coupon ideas.)
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Cut out the coupons you want to include in the book. Or if you’re like me and you can’t cut a straight line to save your life, fold and tear to get a charmingly casual look.
4. Punch a hole in one corner, then loop a rubber band or a book ring through to connect the cards. A staple in the corner would work perfectly fine, too!
5. Drop the coupon book in your child’s stocking, and you’re DONE. Get ready to see pure joy spread across her face!

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Want More?

For more meaningful gift ideas for kids, head to 110+ Experience Gifts for Kids That Will Make Your Child Happier and Cut Clutter.

Your Turn

What would you add to a coupon book for kids? Share in a comment below!

The post A Free Printable Coupon Book for Kids That Makes the Best Gift appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Every night, my husband spends about an hour (or more) prepping dinner for our family of five. And I mean real cooking with veggie-chopping and meat-thawing and actual recipes, not my style of cooking that involves dumping a box of pasta into water, setting a timer, then mixing in a packet of powdered cheese.

While he cooks, my primary responsibilities include:

• Helping our oldest with her math homework
• Keeping the toddler from turning on oven burners, yanking kitchen appliance cords from the wall (while in use), and pushing chairs around so she can climb on various tables
• Reminding the preschooler that markers are for paper – and they are not for the walls, the table, or for giving “tattoos” to her little sister

Some nights, I smile as we dance around each other, like we’re all performing in a perfectly choreographed ballet. I help my oldest with a math problem and at the exact moment she gets the right answer (on her own!), the toddler runs up with a book she wants me to read. Then at the exact moment we finish reading, the preschooler asks for help putting the glue on her art project. And at the exact moment she glues the final pom pom on the paper, Ty announces dinner is ready.

Some nights.

But Here’s the Hard Truth

Most nights, it goes a little more like this…

My oldest is stuck on a math problem and gives up with “I can’t do it,” the toddler interrupts us screaming because she fell while trying to climb on a chair, and the preschooler calls out for help because she glued her hand to her hair.

I’d like to say I handle all the speed bumps of parenting with the grace and patience of Mary Poppins. But sometimes my tone gets snippy, or I ask “What were you thinking?”, or I huff and puff like the Big Bad Wolf as I clean up the mess.

Some nights when we all sit down at the dinner table, one or more of the kids are pouting, whining, or downright defiant – showing us they’re craving a positive experience (or five) to close the gap created by the most recent negative interaction.

The family dinner table gives us the perfect opportunity to reconnect with our kids, especially after we’ve devolved into rampant chaos in the hour running up to dinner.

But then Ty and I sit down across from each other, make eye contact, and immediately we know what the other one is thinking. And we know this because we’re having the same exact thought at the same time…

“Is it bedtime yet?”

Related: Why Every Parent Should Know the Magic 5:1 Ratio – And How to Do It {Printable}

Then We Fall Into This Common Parenting Trap

Unfortunately for this couple of wiped-out parents, bedtime is still two hours away.

We’re so zombified by the pre-dinnertime push that our minds draw a blank with how to get a good conversation going that will help us reconnect with our kids.

Or worse, we fall back on: “How was your day at school?”

“Fine.”

“What did you learn today?”

“Nothing.”

“Who did you play with today?”

“No one.”

But one-word answers don’t foster a good discussion, and they definitely don’t close the gap after a hectic evening.

And yet, it’s absolutely essential that we do close the gap at the dinner table because if we don’t, we pay the price later – in the form of less cooperation from the kids, more power struggles over small things, and tucking the kids into bed with a palpable feeling of disconnect hanging in the air.

Weeknights end like this more often than we’d like, and I walk away from the kids’ bedrooms with regret crushing my chest.

My husband and I collapse onto the couch, admitting to each other that we wish there were a rewind button so we could go back to the moment when we were all together at the dinner table and reconnect as a family in a meaningful way.

We realized we needed help. So I set off on a mission to solve the problem of how to get more than one-word answers out of my kids so we could have a dinnertime conversation that leaves everyone’s connection tank overflowing.

How to Unlock Your Child’s Heart: 150 Conversation Starters for Kids…That Actually Work

As busy parents, our brains are too fried to come up with questions that will get a real, meaningful conversation going. My first step: Find the best conversation starters for kids that actually work.

As it turns out, you can find lots of conversation starters for kids online, but you have to wade through quite a few doozies, like “What’s your favorite letter of the alphabet?” or “Why do you think some kids lie to their parents?” or “Caillou or Dora?” In other words: Boring, loaded, or queued up for another one-word answer that takes the conversation nowhere.

Same goes with the ready-made conversation starters you can find on Amazon. After reading tons of reviews, I found out the store-bought versions had the same problem of questions that were duds, plus the questions didn’t work well for a wide range of kiddo ages.

So I pored over every list of conversation questions for kids that I could find, and I put together the ultimate list of all the best family conversation starters. These were my criteria:

• Open-ended questions, like “How” and “Why” questions, seem to work best with getting kids to talk because they open the door to more than just one-word answers.
• The questions needed to be something adults can answer, too. Most kids don’t appreciate feeling like they’re put on the spot to perform like circus animals for the benefit of the adults around them. Plus, a conversation where everyone’s contributing is more fun anyway.
• The questions shouldn’t feel like a test or a lecture. For example, “Why do you think some kids lie to their parents?” may yield some interesting answers, but it could feel to your kid like you’re setting a trap.
• No boring questions, either. People love to talk about themselves – but not if you ask boring questions.

I waded through pages and pages of conversation starters to find the absolute best questions that kids and adults will enjoy. The final list includes 150 awesome questions, which gives you enough questions for five months of family dinners.

Get your own set of these powerful conversation starter cards here.

Available for a limited time: If you prefer a printed set of these family conversation starters, you can get your printed set here.

With these conversation starters for kids, not only will you be teaching your child the art of a good conversation, but you’ll get to peek straight into your child’s heart. What’s important to her, what has her worried, what she’s excited about.

And most important of all, you’ll close any distance that’s come between you and your child during the day so you both go to bed feeling connected, loved, and happy.

Get your copy: 150 Family Conversation Starters That Will Unlock Your Child’s Heart

But How Did It Go?

I spent a lot of time picking just the right questions and putting these cards together, and so that first night when I set a bowl of the cards in the middle of the dinner table while everyone watched me, my stomach gave a nervous little flutter. What if nobody wanted to do it? What if we still got one-word answers? What if they rolled their eyes?

My preschooler was the first to pipe up, probably because I put the bowl in the spot where she was expecting to see mac-n-cheese. “What’s that?” My oldest and the toddler turned to me, too.

I tried to make my tone as nonchalant as possible. “Oh, just some fun questions I thought we could take turns asking at dinner.”

They all stared at me for a beat. Then, from the preschooler: “Can I pick the first one?”

And my oldest: “Can I read it out loud?”

I smiled. “Sure.”

As it turns out, the kids must have been craving connection just as much as me and my husband were because even months later, they still get excited for our dinnertime conversation card ritual every night. Early on, they decided among themselves that they’d take turns picking the card every night, and my oldest would read it out loud.

And the Answers From the Kids?

Pure. Gold.

Some nights, the answers set off a round of contagious giggles. Other nights, we wade into a deep conversation about the world that makes us stop and think about something in a different way. But every single night, I walk away from the dinner table and immediately grab my journal to capture as much of the conversation as I can remember.

Full disclosure: The toddler mostly just repeats one of the answers from her big sisters, but sometimes she surprises us by dropping her own little golden nuggets of cuteness and toddler wisdom.

But the best part comes after we all leave the dinner table:

• The kids play together without fighting at every turn. They still squabble here and there, but they work it out on their own and get back to playing faster.
• When I round up the troops for bath time, they all just head to the bath without me having to nag them 20 million times first.
• Then when it’s time to tuck them into bed, instead of feeling regret for how the evening went, I feel confident that we squeezed as much love and connection out of that night as humanly possible.

And when my husband and I collapse on the couch, we no longer wish for a rewind button. Instead, we take turns sharing our favorite quotes from the best family dinnertime conversations we’ve ever had.

Get your own set of these family conversation starters here.

Print your cards and keep these questions handy at home or in the car. Then ask a question at dinner, in the car to or from school, or any other time you want to unlock your child’s heart.

How to Use Your Conversation Starters for Kids

To save you some time, the conversation starters are designed so you can print them on pre-perforated business card templates and just pop each one out (see below). But regular ol’ paper and scissors work just fine too.

1. Get your cards here. After you order, you’ll get a special link to download your cards.
2. Print. I designed them to print on Avery business cards for inkjet^† or laser printers. Or you can just print them on regular paper or card stock, then cut the cards out or fold and tear to get a charmingly casual look.
3. Pop the cards into an empty bowl or spare mason jar, put it on your dining room table, and you’re DONE. Or to take it one step further, you can hole-punch them in one corner and put the whole set on a book ring like this. That makes the cards super portable so you can throw them in your purse or carry-on for a plane ride.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Let the kids pick a question or two to answer every night, then take turns going around the table and answering the question – and get ready to feel closer to your family than ever before. As another option, you can keep your cards in the car and ask a question on the way to or from school for an extra dose of connection!

Sneak Peek! Here’s a Sample of the Best Conversation Starters for Kids

Here’s a sample of these 150 conversation starters for kids that are guaranteed to get your child to open up. Get the full set of questions here.

Questions for Kids About Themselves

1. What are you excited about right now?
2. What was your first thought when you woke up today?
3. What do you want to accomplish by your next birthday?
4. If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be?
5. What’s the best thing about your life?
6. What’s a small thing that makes you feel happy?
7. What’s something you want to do, but you can’t yet?
8. What makes you feel loved?
9. What will you be doing in 10 years?
10. If you could only eat one food for an entire year, what would you choose?
11. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
12. What’s the best thing that has ever happened to you?

Questions for Kids About Family And Friends

1. What’s your favorite thing to do as a family?
2. What’s something nice someone said to you lately?
3. Who understands you the best?
4. If you could change one family rule, what would you change?
5. What’s your favorite thing to do with your friends?
6. If you could switch places with one person for a day, who would it be?
7. What’s something you did to help someone today?
8. What do you get to do at someone else’s house that you wish you could do at ours?
9. What advice would you give to a younger sister or brother?
10. What’s the smartest thing you heard somebody say today?

Questions for Kids About the World

1. Twenty years from now, where do you think you’ll live?
2. What’s the biggest problem in our world?
3. If you could give everybody in the world one piece of advice, what would you say?

Before You Go: 4 Quick Tips That Will Give You the Best Conversations

To keep the conversation moving, here are a few tips that have worked well for us while using these family conversation starters:

• Above all, just listen. With some questions, you may be tempted to jump in and give the “right” answer. But your kid learns better from a good conversation where you foster a healthy discussion.
• If you have a toddler or preschooler, you may have the best luck with having your youngest child go first because otherwise, they tend to just repeat what the person before them said. Which is still adorable, but it’s also fun to hear what’s bouncing around inside that growing little mind.
• If your kid says “I don’t know,” explain that there’s no right or wrong answer. You just want to hear their ideas. If they still have nothing, you can say, “We’ll give you a minute and come back to you” then move to the next person at the table.
• If your kid’s answer happens to shock you, try saying “Hmm” or “Interesting” – something noncommittal to give you time to collect yourself. If you freak out on your kid, they’ll clam up. These conversations should be fun, not stressful!

Get your copy now: 150 Family Conversation Starters That Will Unlock Your Child’s Heart

Your Turn

What are your favorite questions to use as conversation starters for kids? Share in a comment below!

The post 150 Conversation Starters for Kids That Will Make You Closer Than Ever appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.