Comments on: The 3-Letter Word That Will Overhaul the Way You Discipline Your Kid

By: Jamie

Jamie

I’m now a single parent of two young children (3 and 7) as very sadly my wife passed away unexpectedly last Christmas. I’m finding it really hard to control my emotions with my kids especially when they start playing up. My 3 yr old daughter is definitely in the defiant stage, so refusing to do basic things etc, even my son is pushing back and it’s driving me crazy. How can support them and myself in a calm and guiding way? I’ve found myself calling them names like “uncaring”, “stroppy”, “mean” but I think some of that is my emotion coming out.

By: Miriam

Miriam

In reply to Jessica.

I’m not an expert and I don’t know what – if anything – is missing from your parenting. But I’ll offer 2 ideas:
1. When you ask him to stop doing something or if he did something undesirable, you shouldn’t expect remorse. Say why it was wrong by all means, insist on an apology if you want to, but it’s as simple as this: Stop doing that. Not stopping? I take your hand and I make you stop because I’m in charge. Now you stop, and if you don’t then I’ll help you to stop by removing you from the situation or removing the object from you. This requires a bit more imagination in different circumstances.
2. When you ask him to do something, he will do it. Don’t skirt around the issue – you can be assertive and kind. “Time to put your toys away. By yourself or with help?” Maybe a second time just in case he didn’t hear. If you have to say it a third time, you get on his level and hold his hand. “I asked you to do this. Now you’re going to do it with help.” Then you lead him over and physically ensure he does it. Anything else will teach him that your requests are optional. One thing I’ve learned from my toddler is that some kids react super well to what’s said in this article. And some kids react well to it SOME of the time. But not every kid, and not all the time. It requires us to be not lazy and have a lot of stamina, but you gotta start teaching your kid that you mean what you say and you don’t require his agreement. And when he learns to communicate, he can certainly question what you say and you can change your mind if that’s appropriate, but set that foundation of cooperation first.

By: Ray A.

Ray A.

Its Ray from loveandbub.com This is a great article!
Thank you for sharing this Kelly!

By: Lauren C.

Lauren C.

This was a really useful and wonderful piece.

I love the acronym IRA and will think of your grandma when I try remember to apply the wisdom of peace. ;-)

By: Miranda Hodge

Miranda Hodge

Hi! I loved this post, and have been there many times. Thanks for posting- I also have made many similar discoveries! It is so much harder to parent than anyone knows before they get there!

By: Val

Val

My Mother will give me wisdom WHEN I ask her for it, and something wwhich has stuck in my heart the most is to use the positive encouragements and/or suggestions rather than having the children focusing on the failing side and making them feel like they’ll never conquer the enemy! And I MUST say that in using this approach, my three children (3, 5, and 7) have been MUCH more encouraged and it’s NO LONGER such a sheer battle to teach them to be kind to other people!!! I THANK GOD for wisdom and wise parents!!!???

By: Samara

Samara

I absolutley love your post and agree with it.
I have applied it some times now and it works wonders.
Our challenge now is when my 4 year old hits my 1 year old.
I have to inhale many times because of course that hitting is harder for me than throwing food or other things…
Do you have extra advice on this?

By: Jessica

Jessica

Oh, Gramma IRA – I love you! This resonates so deeply. And yet, I am at a loss. My 2 year old is a little wild spitfire of a kid who has almost never been described as gentle. Backbone for dayyyys!!! His amazing energy gives me so much pause when I think of what he brings to this world…..but right now he’s bringing me to my knees.
He responds to reporting and asking what to do about things with answers like “I WANT you to cry! I WANT to hurt you!”. He laughs when shoving and being rough, and natural consequences of other children not playing with him are not connecting. I am currently writing this with scratches across my face where he clawed me while I was separating him and his 7month old brother. I get scratched, despite blocking his hands, on a near daily basis.
We frequently co-sleep, I work as much positive commentary in as I can throughout the day (including reworking the wording of songs to convey what I love about him). I’m on a mat leave and at home, so we get lots of 1:1 time. I practice Attachment Parenting to the best of my ability. And I’m so sad, frustrated, and at a loss. I feel empty and crushed and like my child is sucking every bit of gentleness from me. What else can I do?

By: Ashley

Ashley

Such a great article!!

By: Laura

Laura

I’m constantly trying to find what works with my 4.5 yr old. I find myself labeling her then backtracking. I like the IRA technique but in some instances I wonder if she’ll solve her problem then think- “next time I write on the table I’ll just clean it up.”
What do you think?

By: Alecia St. Germain

Alecia St. Germain

Holy cow! You just reached in and touched the depths of my soul! I do this and you are right, it crushes my daughter. And it made me think of when I was labeled as a brat and selfish. I’ve had to overcome my people pleasing ways and dimming my light in my adult life because of these fears of being a these things. I do not want this for my children, so THANK YOU! This is so valuable!

By: Desiree

Desiree

This is a great article. I am currently struggling with my 8 year old son, being a handful more often then not! He is not beginning to be disrupting in school, not only at home. I’ve been searching your site in hopes to find something to help with discipline and how to address the situation, instead of saying…why are you being such a brat?! Labeling…just as you say not to…help!

By: Jason Hoover

Jason Hoover

This was all so real. Children do not have the luxury of non linear thought and without realizing we can hurt them. You are so right those words can stick around a long time.

By: Kaylee Blake

Kaylee Blake

I REALLY love your advice and desperately need it. I catch myself yelling shut up to my 10 year old WAY too much. I really need your book lol thx

By: Vanessa

Vanessa

This is great, thank you! My 3-year old is having an extremely hard time listening. We have a second daughter on the way but she’s on her own right now. The battle we deal with day in and day out is her expressing her will and not doing what we ask of her (brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating dinner). We try offering rewards if she does all she is supposed to before or after school, but we deal with the same problem every day. I have a friend who said even a label of “good girl” can be damaging and you shouldn’t label no matter what because later on in life they can feel like they can’t live up to the positive labels and are afraid to make mistakes. Now I’m at a total loss! How do I positively reinforce good behavior or encourage it? I try to use rewards/consequences instead of labels but it’s SO hard and engrained to say “you were a really good listener today!” Any ideas? Thanks :)

By: Ashley

Ashley

In reply to Angel. I was thinking this same exact thing. There's a difference between teaching and reacting (i.e. yelling but not explaining), but it's absolutely OK to tell a child that they ARE being mean by doing something mean- you just have to take the time to explain it. "You're a good person, right? Well, when you hit your sister, you're being mean to her, and you don't want to be a mean person, do you?"

By: Casey Bunn

Casey Bunn

loved, thank you

By: Cookie Holland

Cookie Holland

I’m 70 years old and I have a couple of things to say. First, you probably aren’t going to be the Perfect Parent because, as someone once told me, “there ain’t no such animal as that!”
Second, I made a habit of remembering when I went into labor and how much I wanted my child. I’d think about that at times when I wasn’t engaged with her. Nights, early mornings, when I took a coffee break, etc. I remembered to do it because I taped a note to the bathroom mirror, put one on the fridge under a magnet, taped one to the stove (away from the burners).
Also, use the hairband trick when you go to work or when you drive in heavy traffic or any time you think that you even might have an angry or frustrated response to a situation. Your kids will grow up but people who irk you always will be around!
Last, as well as the negative reinforcement of having to take a hairband off your wrist because you’ve been bad, do something like giving yourself a flower when you’ve been good. It can be a virtual flower that you just think of or even better, buy some small artificial flowers and use two little vases or juice glasses. Put all the flowers into one of them and when you do something good–not fussing at your kids, doing a chore that you’ve wanted to put off, being nice in traffic without mentally chewing out the driver that cut you off, etc.–put a flower into the other glass to reward yourself. And whenever you get the chance to sit down and put your feet up, do it! It helps the blood flow back to your big, warm, loving heart.

By: Savannah

Savannah

Such a POWERFUL read, and so inspiring that you were able to take a step back and assess your parenting choices, and how you could make a better one next time. My 2-year-old is in very physical stage right now- hitting, kicking, and biting when things don’t go his way. More than I’d like to admit, the words “Why are you being mean” have escaped my lips, and I never really thought twice about it. I like the idea of reporting what you see – it really gives kids the opportunity to recognize the events going on at the time. Some awesome things to think about, thanks for sharing! <3

By: Shelley

Shelley

Thank you so much for being honest about yourself! Wonder Woman you are! You have inspired me to pause and reflect towards my own kids! Excellent article! Mommyhood isn’t all hearts and flowers. It takes an incredible amount of strength, love and courage to brave the complicated and unpleasant issues with raising healthy, confident and positive kids! And, you are inspiring me and other great moms along the way! Thank you, Sweetie! You are a fantastic mom!