In reality, loving a child well—and preparing them for the future—requires setting boundaries and restricting their freedom to make significant choices until they are mature enough to grasp the consequences of those decisions.

Young children, especially, lack the experience, knowledge, and cognitive maturity needed to consistently make choices in their best interest. This is precisely why parents exist: to make thoughtful, informed, experience-based decisions on behalf of their children. Only after a child has developed a “bank” of experiences—guided by loving and responsible parenting—can they begin to make sound decisions for themselves.

It should be obvious that a young child with limited life experience will often make poor choices. As parents, allowing small, inexperienced children to make critical decisions is not just misguided—it is setting them up for failure. This isn’t about trivial choices like picking between strawberry or raspberry yogurt. It’s about significant decisions, such as whether to show affection to family members, like hugging a grandparent who may not be around much longer. Such decisions are too weighty for a child to make independently. These are moments where a responsible parent must step in and guide their child.

Also, consider for a moment the perspective of an observer. When a child routinely refuses physical contact with family members, it can project unintended and problematic assumptions about the family. People might wonder, “Why do the parents allow this? Do they think the family is unsafe?” or, “Why is the youngest, least experienced member of the family making significant social decisions?” These are both valid questions.

Of course, it’s the parent’s responsibility to recognize and address any inappropriate behavior from family members. But this, too, requires discernment and action from the parent, not the child. Young children simply don’t have the insight to navigate such complexities. We must remember that young children often find perfectly normal, healthy things “yucky” or unpleasant. If we give a four-year-old’s reluctance to hug Uncle Steve the same weight as their refusal to eat vegetables, clean up after themselves, brush their teeth, etc., we quickly see the absurdity of this approach.

I understand—and even sympathize with—those who find it rude when children refuse physical contact with family members. But I don’t blame the child. I blame the parenting decisions that, though well-meaning, conflate love with granting autonomy before the child is ready for it. Freedom of choice without the foundation of experience and maturity will rarely yield positive results for a child.

I am alarmed, though not surprised, by the number of parents who advocate such methods. It will be interesting to see the fruit of such methods in when these children reach adulthood.

(My above comment: @annoyed
Idk how these replies show up)

You lack understanding of child developmental psychology. People whose boundaries are respected feel much more safe opening up to people than those who have had even their smallest boundaries constantly crossed.
When a child grows up learning that their boundaries will be crossed, they will TIGHTEN their boundaries and in that case THEN they will be repressed and shy adults.
People who feel comfortable and safe expressing ANY boundary are much more outgoing.
Your understanding of human psychology is entirely lacking. And that is coming from a university psychology student.

Babies have body language. Perceptive people can and will read it and know whether touch is welcome.

Hi MomTo5 – I’m an Uncle to 38. Yes that’s right. 38 nieces and nephews and 2 children of my own. You say “uncles are 60-70% more likely to be the abusers of a young girl”. 60-70% more likely than what? Or who? An Aunt? A parent? A pedophile? A mother? If you’re going to use insulting statistics, please state them so they mean something, and give the source. Otherwise one might think you’re making it up. And by the way – # of children I’ve molested = Zero. And if you ask any of the 38, they’re likely to tell you I’m the favorite Uncle.

Comming from a man who was never told “I love you” as a child, please trust me, unless it is said or felt, I child might not know you love them. Kids don’t understand the minutia of social graces and might not understand other “I love you clues.” Having said that, even as an adult now, I have no idea if my parents loved me because they never once said it. I also don’t know if many of my aunts and uncles love me either, because they never say it. I have tried to break that cycle by telling people I love them, when I love them. that awkwardness you mentioned might be your inner child telling you that something is wrong not being affectionate with people you love. In my case for my parents, their their funerals were too late for them. And because they never said it, I will never know if they did.

If it hurts you personally, remember it is not about you. It is about the child. If you wanted to hug a family member you have only seen a few times, you would probably ask permission – or it would be awkward. Afford children the same respect.

Boom! You nailed it!