In theory, working from home should be less stressful than commuting to the office every day.

Because you can wear your pajamas, co-workers won’t drop into your office for a “quick chat” right at the moment when you’re finally in the flow of getting things done, and nobody needs to know if you happen to polish off your whole Girl Scout cookie stash from the freezer.

But when you add kids into your working from home equation, it’s easy to feel like you’re not getting any real work done.

Kids will interrupt you for the most trivial of reasons (Mommy! My yogurt is too lumpy!), they might get into mischief if left to their own devices for too long (lock up your Sharpies!), and sticking them in front of a screen all day just backfires. Because then you have to deal with the “screen time zombie effect” later on when they’re finally off screens – which depending on the kid means they’ll be quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of the best advice for how to work from home with kids, backed by research.

What You Need to Know About Working From Home With Kids

I’ve been working from home with kids in tow for more than 12 years now.

My kids range in age from 12 to 2, and I’ve learned the hard way what works – and what doesn’t. Throughout that time, I’ve studied the best science-backed strategies for being productive while working remotely. And I teach a class to hundreds of remote workers every year about how to actually get stuff done when you’re working from home.

But even after all that and even though my kids’ behavior has always been developmentally appropriate for a child in that situation, at times I’ve still gotten so frustrated at the kid-related interruptions and disruptions to my productivity that I’ve had to lock myself in my closet and scream into a pillow.

So if you’ve come to this post because you’re wondering, “Can you work from home and look after a child at the same time?” the honest answer is: Not exactly. But hang tight because all hope is not lost!

Let Me Explain

The human brain is not designed to do two things at once, as much as we’d like to pretend otherwise. And looking after a child and doing your job are definitely two different tasks.

Both your child and your work will demand your full attention:

• The more your child feels your attention is elsewhere, the more disconnected they’ll feel from you, and the more they’ll interrupt you while you’re trying to focus.
• On the other hand, when you’re never fully focused on your work, you’ll be more prone to mistakes, it will take you longer to get tasks done, and your stress level will skyrocket.

So what in the world are you supposed to do if you need to work from home with children in tow?

While you can’t do two things at once, you can use a handful of simple science-backed strategies that will help you get your work done without resorting to 8 hours of zombie-making screen time for your kids.

Working From Home With Kids? The Best Advice That Actually Works

Below, I’ve compiled all the best strategies for how to work from home with kids in tow. These are the exact same strategies I teach my students in my time management course for remote workers, many of whom are work-from-home parents, so that they can squeeze maximum results out of limited work time.

This is your one-stop shop for everything you need to know about working from home without childcare while still maintaining your sanity. And after the list, you can get a free cheat sheet of all the strategies covered in this post.

If you have any extra advice for parents who are struggling with how to work from home with kids, please share your insight in a comment at the end of this post. We’re all in this together!

But First, a Warning

It took me 12 years to research and uncover all the best hacks for how to work with kids around, adding each one to my toolbox with the excitement of Ariel discovering a new human artifact to add to her treasure trove. Here in one handy spot, I’m sharing all the nuggets of wisdom I’ve gathered over the years so that you can be productive when working from home without feeling like you’re completely ignoring or neglecting your child.

Which means this post is M-E-A-T-Y and chock full of science-backed strategies. So remember this: Even if all you do is use one strategy from this list, you’ll see an impact. And the more you can implement, the better the results you’ll see.

Above all, please give yourself grace. Every day of working from home with kids will not be perfect, and that’s okay. If you got some work done and everybody ended the day still speaking to each other, I count that as a win. And if the day didn’t go so well? That’s okay too because you’ll get another crack at it tomorrow.

1. Share the Load

Every morning, I used to oversee breakfast and get-ready time for all my kids. I would bounce between making food, cleaning up dishes, hunting for matching socks in the dryer, reminding them to finish their food, reminding them to get dressed, reminding them to brush their teeth…on and on and on.

While all that may seem trivial, it added up to 45 minutes (or more) every morning where I was at the kids’ beck and call like a Downton Abbey butler. And then at lunchtime, it happened all over again.

But there’s no reason I had to be the one to oversee their morning and lunchtime routines.

If your kids are used to you making their breakfast and lunch for them, cleaning up their dishes for them, and reminding them to do things like get dressed or brush their teeth, now’s the time to think about handing off that responsibility.

Not only will your child be practicing important life skills and end up happier and more successful as adults because of it, you can recover a solid chunk of time every day where you’ll be able to focus on your work.

After I invited my kids to take over responsibility for their own morning and lunchtime routines, I carved out at least an extra 1.5 hours of focused work time every day. At first, they needed my help and guidance to get comfortable with what I was asking of them, but before too long, I was able to take a step back and officially hand over the reins for those routines.

How to Do It

First, a quick heads up: Strategy #2 below goes hand-in-hand with this strategy because it helps grease the wheels for this conversation, so you might consider having that quick conversation first before your official “share the load” conversation.

With that said, here’s an example of how you might kick this off:

1. Bring it up. At the family dinner table one night, start the conversation by saying something like this to reinforce what’s in it for your kids:

“Now that we’re all working together as [a team *or* insert name from strategy #2], there’s something I need your help with. In the morning and at lunch, I spend a lot of time getting food ready and helping you get yourself ready. But if I could use that time to work instead, then I’d be done faster and could come do something fun with you to start the day, like play a quick card game. So I need you to step up for the team and take over making your breakfast and lunch and also get yourself ready in the morning. Can you do that for the team?”

2. Gauge their reaction. Most kids will be up for it because they want to be part of the team, and they want to feel grown-up. But if for some reason they resist, they might have some underlying anxieties, so try asking them what they’re worried about. After they explain, you can ask what you can do to help so that they feel like they can pitch in for the team.
3. Practice. When they’re on board, you might respond with something like this:

“Awesome! If you can take over making your breakfast and lunch without asking me for help, that will help me get my work done faster, and then we can do something fun together. But I know this will be a change, so after dinner, let’s pretend like we’re going through the whole morning process and see if there’s anything I need to do to make it easier for you. Like maybe we can move some food lower in the fridge so you can reach it better, or we can find a step stool you can use if you need it.”

4. Make it visible. Consider setting up a visual reminder for your kids’ whole morning routine, like these printable routine picture cards designed by my friend Lauren. We got a sheet of magnetic sticker squares and stuck one on the back of each routine card, then put the cards on our fridge. When the kids finish something from their routine, they take the card off and put it in a pocket folder labeled “DONE” that’s also on the fridge. Then every night after they’re in bed, I move all the cards back to the fridge for the next day.

If you’re still shouldering all the routine load in your family, you might be thinking, Sure, that sounds great, but if I don’t make sure they do everything, it won’t get done! So if you’re worried your kids won’t follow through, ask yourself: Does it matter?

• If they wear their pajamas a little longer, that’s not the end of the world.
• If they eat breakfast a little later because they were distracted by playing first thing in the morning, they’ll survive. A bit longer of an overnight fast won’t hurt, and I promise you if they’re hungry, they’ll figure out how to fix that.
• And if you’re concerned they might forget to brush their teeth, you can give them a creative reminder, like storing their toothbrush and toothpaste in a basket or bin with their favorite breakfast item so they’ll pull the whole thing out and get a visual reminder.

Bottom line: Make your expectations clear that your child is responsible for their own routines. Not only will this help you carve out more work time in your day, you’ll be nurturing your child’s independence and setting them up for success later in life.

2. Name Your Team

Full disclosure: This step might seem unnecessary or even a bit silly to you when you’re already stressed about getting work done, but many of my time management students find that their kids do much better when they feel involved in this simple way.

Research shows that kids as young as three can understand the value of teamwork and will even change their behavior to cooperate on a common goal. In other words, when kids feel like they’re part of the team, they can make better decisions in the moment about what will best help the team.

And so when you nurture and reinforce the idea that you’re all on the same team in your family, you set a clear expectation that everyone has a role to play with supporting the family’s common goal. Establishing this common goal is an important piece of the foundation for getting your kids to cooperate when you’re working from home.

For a fun and quick way to start fostering an attitude of teamwork right now, invite your kids to help come up with an official team name for your family.

Then later on, your team name will be a simple and positive way to remind your kids of the importance of you all working together as a team towards your common goal. (And I can tell you that rallying the troops in the spirit of teamwork feels infinitely better than nagging or losing your temper every day!)

How to Do It

To be clear, this strategy isn’t a good fit when you’re working from home with a baby or a toddler, but preschoolers and up can certainly understand the concept of working together as a team and change their behavior to support the team.

Here’s one way you might kick this off:

1. Bring it up. At a mealtime or another time when the whole family is together and isn’t distracted by screen time or other activities, start a conversation, similar to something like this:

“Mom and dad will be working from home so that we can buy food and pay the bills for the house and car. But this will be a little different for all of us, and it might take us some time to get used to it. If we’re going to make it work, we’ll need to work as a team to support each other. So we thought it might be fun to come up with a team name for our family now that we’re going to be working to get through this together. What ideas do you have?”

2. Brainstorm and vote. Let the kids throw out team names and then have a family vote. You can use your last name or something else entirely as your team name (Dumbledore’s Army?), but try to bite your tongue during the brainstorming process and let your kids have fun with it.
3. Make it official. Post your team name somewhere. The kids can decorate a sign, you can write it on a chalkboard or whiteboard if you have one, or you can let the kids use special window markers to post the team name on a window or mirror. Or for an extra dose of fun that will keep your kids busy for a bit (so you can work!), you can get plain white t-shirts and let your kids decorate them with Sharpies to turn them into team jerseys.

Bottom line: Foster an attitude of teamwork with your kids by explaining your shared goal and inviting them to come up with a fun family team name.

3. Bank Your Hours Quickly

I am not a morning person. I love staying up late to read just one more chapter of an unputdownable book, watch Brooklyn Nine Nine reruns, or just scroll Twitter for stupid pet videos without any little people looking over my shoulder.

And so I was resistant to this idea for a long, long time, but even I have to admit it works. The absolute best advice I’ve ever received for how to work from home with kids is to wake up before your kids and get your work done before your attention is split between your kids and work.

For most of my time management students, this simple strategy is the one that makes the biggest difference.

How to Do It

As one example, if you can wake up at 6:00 am and your kids wake up around 7:00 am (and you’ve shared the load on morning routines as explained in strategy #1 above), that gives you a solid 1.5 to 2 hours of focused work time. If you can push it a little more and wake up at 5:00 am and your kids get used to being self-sufficient a little longer like until 8:30 am or 9:00 am, that means you could get half of your work hours in before the day has even really started.

Currently, I wake up at 5:00 am and go to bed at 9:30 pm, which still gives me an hour of kid-free time at night to goof off. My kids have now learned to take care of themselves until 9:00 am, which means I get 4 solid hours of work in before I join them.

I wish I hadn’t waited so long to start waking up early, so I’m passing along this lesson learned to you. If you think it won’t work for you, try it for one week and reevaluate. You might be surprised! It feels pretty darn fantastic to have half your work hours banked before the time most people are starting their day.

Bottom line: Wake up before your kids to make the most of the quiet morning hours when it’s easier to focus and string together a few hours of work time.

4. Fill That Tank

When you see your kids for the first time each morning, you might feel tempted to rush through the morning essentials so that you can get to work as quickly as possible – or get back to work if you followed the strategy in #3 above.

Resist that temptation.

Rushing through your time with your child in the morning will actually backfire, and here’s why: Connection breeds cooperation. In other words, when your kids feel a strong connection with you, they’ll be more likely to cooperate.

On the other hand, when your child feels a lack of connection, that leads to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to do something, like when you need them to entertain themselves without accidentally burning down the house so you can focus on work.

But when you start the day by connecting in a meaningful way with your child, that fills their connection “tank,” and they’ll be much less likely to interrupt you later on while you’re working.

How to Do It

Below are a few of the best ways to connect with your child every morning and start your day off on the right foot. Tip: For a handy way to remember to do this every morning, you can get my Family Connection Cards here. In just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

• Give your child a hug. But make sure it’s a good quality hug of six seconds or more. Here’s why. If your child isn’t used to you dishing out impromptu hugs, try a high-five instead and work up to hugs.
• Read a book. Your child is never too old to be read to. For older kids, you may find it fun to take turns reading aloud from the same book. If you don’t currently read aloud to your child regularly, be sure to check out the super helpful tips in this post: Want to Raise Smart, Kind Kids? Science Says Do This Every Day.
• Sit down and just play for a few minutes. No smartphones, no multitasking – follow your child’s lead.
• Go outside together. Take a walk, play catch, or hop on your bikes for a quick ride around the block.
• Get quiet. Start the day with a kid-friendly meditation using an app like Headspace. Meditation helps calm anxious feelings and increases your attention span and ability to focus. And that’s something both you and your child can benefit from!
• Play a board game or card game. We’ve found that Sleeping Queens is the perfect quick game for a wide range of ages, but for more ideas check out our full list of the absolute best family games for all ages. We’ve spent countless hours testing different family games with all different ages to find the cream of the crop!

Bottom line: When you see your child during work breaks, make it a priority to connect in a meaningful way. That will fill their connection “tank” and cut down on their natural urge to interrupt you while you’re working.

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5. Set a Firm Boundary…Together

Even if you were able to bank a solid chunk of hours at the start of the day (see strategy #3 above), you will likely need to work more hours while your kids are awake.

But this can be the most frustrating aspect of working from home with kids because kids don’t understand that you need to focus. And they certainly don’t understand that interrupting you breaks that focus and makes it take longer to get your work done. In fact, one study found that it can take you 23 minutes just to get back to where you left off before the interruption. Yikes.

Your kids will interrupt you because they want a snack, because they can’t get the universal remote to work, because their sibling looked at them funny…you name it.

The mistake I made when starting out as a work-from-home parent was taking an authoritarian approach to preventing interruptions from my kids instead of an authoritative approach. Here’s the difference:

• Authoritarian: Do not interrupt me when I’m working. If you interrupt me, you’ll have consequences that may include but are not limited to loss of screen time, no more dessert, and me duct taping your mouth shut during my conference calls.
• Authoritative: Every day, I’ll need to focus on my work for a couple hours in the morning and a couple hours in the afternoon – about the length of one movie in the morning and one movie in the afternoon. This is so that I can get my work done and get back to doing fun stuff with you at lunchtime and at the end of the day. But in order for that to happen, during that morning time and afternoon time I won’t be able to answer your questions, help solve problems you’ve run into, or talk to you about anything else. Kind of like an ostrich sticking their head in the sand! So I’d like your help coming up with a couple things: First, we need a sign I can put on my door to let you know when I’m in one of those “ostrich” times where I need to focus. And after we brainstorm that, I want to hear your ideas for things you can do while I’m in “ostrich” mode and focused on work.

The first approach seems much easier at first glance, but it has one problem: It doesn’t work. The authoritarian approach to parenting undermines your authority in your child’s eyes, and that means they’re less likely to respect your requests or demands. In fact, kids subjected to the authoritarian approach are more likely to become disruptive, aggressive, and defiant.

But with an authoritative approach, you explain the reason you’re asking your child to do something – or not do something – and then invite them to help you come up with the final solution to the problem. You’re still clearly communicating firm expectations and boundaries, but this way your child feels like they’re part of the process instead of feeling like they’re living in a dictatorship, powerless over their own fate.

It’s near impossible to completely eliminate all interruptions from your kids, but this strategy invites an attitude of teamwork and can drastically cut down on the number of interruptions.

How to Do It

To implement this boundary with your kids, here are a few ideas you can use as jumping off points:

• Make a Sign – Invite your child to design a sign to put on your office door. (Don’t have an office door? See strategy #6 below.) This will communicate to your child when you’re in one of those special focus periods during the day and cut down on interruptions. They might design a stop/go sign, a thumbs up/down sign, or some other creative sign that will help them remember what to do if they feel the urge to interrupt you. Bonus: While they’re making the sign, you can get some work done!
• Brainstorm a List – Your child will be more successful if you work together to come up with a list of things for them to do while you’re working. This is the perfect time for them to catch up on any online learning or projects for school, listen to an audiobook or an educational podcast, or just get out a special toy or activity like play dough or slime. Then before you head off to work for one of your focus times, you can look through the list together, and they can set their intention ahead of time for what they’ll do. (By the way, they’ll be much more likely to stick with it if they make the decision ahead of time for what they plan to do!) For more on this, check out strategy #7 below.
• Share the Science – To reinforce the importance of why you need to focus, you can explain the brain science behind why interruptions make your work take longer in the end. For example, you might share the tidbit that it can take you 23 minutes just to get back to where you left off before the interruption! And then draw the connection for your child by explaining that’s 23 minutes of something fun you won’t be able to do together, like play a game or watch a favorite family show.
• State the Exceptions – Ask your child to give you examples of emergency situations or other times that it would be okay to interrupt you. Together, make a list of these exceptions and post it somewhere everyone can see.
• Plan for a Contingency – Sometimes your kids just want to share their emotions or experiences with you in the moment, and patience isn’t their strong suit. If you find this is the case with your child, you can come up with a positive alternative to them knocking on your office door. For example, you can teach your child how to record an audio message on a tablet or other mobile device so they can share what’s on their mind. Then when your focus time is over and you’re back in the family fold, you can listen to any messages you missed.

Bottom line: Involve your child in coming up with a clear boundary for what will happen when you’re in your focused work mode. When they feel like they were a part of important decisions like this, they’ll be more likely to stick to what’s decided.

6. Make a Space

Note: If you already have a separate office area with a door you can close, you can skip this section. But if you don’t have a separate office area, keep reading.

When I first started out, I tried to work in the same room as my kids. But that can be confusing for your child because they’ll think you’re “on” as a parent when you need to be focusing on work. And therefore, the interruptions will be constant, making everything take longer to get done.

Not to mention that even if your kids aren’t actively interrupting you, the sounds of their playtime or bickering will be enough of a distraction that your brain will not be fully focused on your work. That type of background is called “intermittent speech,” and it’s just about the worst kind of ambient noise for your productivity.

But at that time, I didn’t have a whole extra room to devote to being an office space, so I had to get creative. Because my kids were younger, strategies #8, 9, and 10 below were essential, but they all worked even better when I had a dedicated office space.

How to Do It

Here are a few creative ways you can physically separate yourself from the kid-related hullabaloo so you can focus on work:

• Set up on a porch, patio, or deck – Get a comfy deck chair and grab your laptop, and you’re good to go. If you’re worried about the kids burning down the house while you’re outside, you can set up a baby monitor camera inside the house and turn the volume on the monitor way down so you’ll only hear if someone screams due to mortal danger. (See the apps and tools section near the end of this post for recommendations on the best gear for working from home with kids.)
• Sequester yourself in your bedroom – You can get a cheap small work table to keep in the corner of your room when it’s not in use, or just sit up in bed with your laptop.
• Repurpose another room – If you don’t like the idea of using your bedroom for work, you can find another room in the house and repurpose it. I’ve known people who installed flip-down work tables on the wall of their laundry room, converted a master bath vanity into a workspace, and set up a workstation in a walk-in closet.

You don’t need much space, but it’s best to have a door you can close. That blocks out the sound of your kids but also serves as a visual reminder to your kids that you’re focusing – and a place to hang that sign they made from strategy #5 above!

Bottom line: Dedicate a separate area in your home to being your office space. That signals to your brain that you’re shifting to “work” mode, communicates the shift to your kids, and helps block out the distracting sounds of your kids talking and playing.

7. Choose Your Own Adventure

Suppose you’re on an important conference call with your boss’s boss, and your preschooler busts into your office, demanding a cheese stick NOW. And in two horrifying seconds, you register that he has PBJ smeared all across his face, has a Sharpie uncapped and in hand, and also seems to be missing…his pants?

For most of us, the biggest challenge with how to work with kids around is this: How can you keep your kids busy and engaged so that you can focus on work – without resorting to screen time for several hours a day?

I had to learn this lesson about working from home with kids the hard way: Expecting your kids to be happy doing the same exact thing every day while you work is not a recipe for success. Here’s why:

• Monotony leads to boredom,
• Which leads to your kids interrupting you more often,
• Which leads to you getting frustrated and lashing out,
• Which leads to your kids feeling emotionally disconnected from you,
• Which leads to them interrupting you even more.

The best way to avoid all this is to plan ahead so you can mix it up every day. When you work together to brainstorm a list of things for your kids to do while you’re working, your kids will be much more likely to stay engaged and leave you alone to work.

But Remember This

With all that said, we still need to have realistic expectations for how long our kids can play independently given their age and developmental stage:

• You can’t give a 3-year-old an activity and expect them to be quietly focused on it and nothing else for 30 minutes. For very young kids, you’ll need to use the strategies in #8, 9, and 10 below and work up to longer periods of independent play time.
• On the other hand, if your child is already capable of entertaining themselves for longer periods of time, this “Choose Your Own Adventure” strategy is an excellent way to keep your child busy and engaged while you focus on work.

But here’s the key: Your child needs to have a say in how they’ll be spending their time, at least most of the time. Not only will they be more likely to stick with an activity they had a hand in choosing, you’ll strengthen their brain in a way that will increase their ability to focus and stick to something:

“[Kids] who plan their own time, set weekly goals, and evaluate their own work build up their prefrontal cortex and other parts of the brain that help them exert greater cognitive control over their lives. These so-called executive skills aid children with self-discipline, avoiding distractions, and weighing the pros and cons of their choices.”

The Secrets of Happy Families

How to Do It

Here’s one way you can make the “Choose Your Own Adventure” strategy work to keep things fresh and engaging for your child:

1. Brainstorm. Find a time when you and your child can brainstorm a list of activities they can do independently while you’re working, and set a timer for 15-20 minutes or whatever you need. (Later in this section, you’ll find a list if you need ideas to get your creative juices flowing.)
2. Make a list. Write down every idea your child shares, even if you think it’s silly or not feasible. For this to work well, your child needs to feel like they have a voice.
3. Pick a few. When the timer’s up, look through the list together and ask your child to pick 10-12 ideas (or so) that they want to try in the next week.
   • Typically, your child will need 2-3 activities to keep them busy during a 1.5- to 2-hour work session, but your child might choose to repeat some activities from day-to-day so you don’t need a huge list. By narrowing the list down to a handful of options for each week, you’ll prevent your child from getting overwhelmed and experiencing decision overload when it’s time to pick an idea to do in that moment.
   • If your child picks an idea you’re not jazzed about, share your concerns and suggest an alternative that’s similar if possible.
4. Post the plan. Post the next week’s “bank” of ideas somewhere visible like on your fridge, a chalkboard or whiteboard, or with special window markers on a window or mirror.
5. Set intention. The next time before you head off to one of your work sessions, look through the list together, and ask your child to articulate what they’ll be doing while you work. (Reminder: They’ll be much more likely to stick with it if they set their intention ahead of time for what they plan to do!)
   • For younger children, it works best to have them pick just one idea they’ll do, then set an alarm for yourself to take a break after 30 minutes (or whatever they can handle) and come help them switch gears to the next activity. (See strategy #9 below.)
   • For older children, ask them to pick 2-3 activities they’ll be doing while you work. When they finish one, they can move onto the next one without needing your help.
6. Prep. Help your child get everything they need set up so that they can do what they’ve picked without needing to interrupt you for any reason.
7. Skedaddle. Let your child know you’ll be looking forward to hearing how it goes, then head to your office space (see strategy #6 above), put up your sign (see #5), and get to work!
8. Refresh the list. Once every week or as often as you need to, revisit the full master list you made earlier in this process and ask your child to pick another handful of activities they want to do in the days ahead. You can do this at a family dinner, schedule a special family meeting every week, or keep it impromptu as needed. If you notice your child is not staying engaged with the activities they’ve selected, doesn’t seem interested in anything on the list they chose, or is interrupting you more often, that’s an indication it’s time to mix it up.

Need Activity Ideas?

If you need some ideas for your “bank” of activities, below are a few to get you started.

Pro tip: Some families like to set up clear plastic bins to keep each activity separate so they’re easy to pull out and have ready to go. The benefit of setting up these “Choose Your Own Adventure” bins is that if your child gets bored with whatever activity they selected, they can easily put that one away and see what’s in the other bins to pick what they want to get out next. (By the way, we’ve tried several brands, and these clear bins have stood up best over time.)

• Catch up on online learning or projects for school.
• Listen to an audiobook – Give them an Audible or Libro.fm membership so they can listen to the best children’s audiobooks. (By the way, Libro.fm is the same price as Audible, and you’ll support a locally owned bookstore with every audiobook you choose!)
• Get creative with play dough or slime.
• Write a story and illustrate it – My kids love these blank storybooks, which you can get in packs of six.
• Make a craft, like friendship bracelets, a latch hook project, a cross-stitch design, and so on.
• Play a board game or card game – Check out this list of the best board games for all ages.
• Listen to a podcast for kids.
• Build an epic fort.
• Solve a jigsaw puzzle or a crossword puzzle.
• Play with paper dolls – This isn’t just for girls! My son loves playing pretend with paper dolls just as much as his sisters do.
• Design an obstacle course – If you have more than one child, they can turn it into a competition. Or for only children, they can show it off when you’re done with your work and you can run through the course together.
• For older kids:
  • Do a science experiment – We have this book of 10-minute science experiments for kids, and my kids love it!
  • Try a new recipe for dinner or make a baked good as a family treat.
  • Go for a walk or a bike ride.

Bottom line: Let your kids have a say in how they’ll be spending their time while you’re focused on work. Brainstorm a big list together, then each time before you head off to a work session, ask them to set their intention for what they’ll be doing.

If you want more ideas like this, check out our mega list of fun (and sneakily educational) activities for kids at home. For many of the activities in this list, kids end up learning and exercising their minds but they don’t even realize it because they’re having so much fun!

8. Find Your Rhythm

When I started out working from home without childcare and saw that left to their own devices, my kids would find a way to interrupt me approximately 729 times every hour, I thought the perfect solution would be to come up with a detailed schedule for our days.

Unfortunately, a detailed schedule just added to my stress and overwhelm. Because any time we got off schedule even a little bit, I felt agitated until we got back on track, which wasn’t always possible.

If you tend to get antsy when you’re late to appointments, feel annoyed at others when they’re late to a meeting with you, or grumble when someone reschedules a meeting or appointment at the last minute, you might benefit from thinking of your days as having a rhythm rather than trying to stick to an arbitrary schedule.

Huge important disclaimer: If you’ve been using an hour-by-hour work-at-home schedule for parents and it’s working for you, that’s awesome. You do you! But if you’ve tried sticking to a schedule and it’s not working out as well as you’d hoped or seems to be increasing your frustration rather than decreasing it, a daily rhythm might be a better fit for you.

With a daily rhythm, you’ll lay out a general order for your days rather than specific times. Especially for young kids who don’t have a concept of time and have a harder time transitioning between activities quickly, a daily rhythm can be easier for them to understand and follow.

How to Do It

Here’s just one example of a daily rhythm for working from home with kids:

• Mom/dad: Early morning work – see strategy #3 above
• Kids: Wake up + eat breakfast – see strategy #1
• Kids: Morning routine – get dressed, brush teeth, brush/comb hair; see strategy #1 and consider using something like these cute printable routine cards
• Family: Together time – this is important to minimize interruptions later in the day; see strategy #4; in my family, we go on a quick 15-minute neighborhood walk, get back for 10 minutes of read-aloud time, and then typically do one more quick idea from #4
• Kids: Choose your own adventure – see strategy #7
  Mom/dad: Morning work
• Family: Lunch
• Family: Together time – quickly fill your kids’ tanks before you part ways again
• Kids: Choose your own adventure – or for young kids, this might be nap time; in my family, the kids start by heading to the backyard (kind of like recess!) and then pick 1-2 more activities they want to do after they’re done playing outside, but often they end up playing outside the entire time
  Mom/dad: Afternoon work
• Family: Make dinner together
• Family: Dinner
• Kids: Bathtime + bedtime routine
  Mom/dad: Quick evening work session (if needed)
• Family: Read-aloud time
• Kids: In bed
  Mom/dad: Watch stupid TV shows, drink wine, and/or bust into your secret chocolate stash because you survived another day and actually got some work done to boot, so you deserve it

Tweak your daily rhythm however you need to in order to fit your family. For example, here are a few variations that have worked for other families:

• If your child is young and can’t be left alone for long, your work sessions might align with nap times, and you can also bank a larger chunk of your hours during the early morning before your child is awake and if necessary after they’re in bed for the night.
• If you have a spouse or partner who’s also working from home, you can trade off work time throughout the day. In other words, mom could keep working through the morning and then join the family at lunchtime while dad oversees morning family time and making lunch; then they could switch and dad could keep working through the afternoon into the evening while mom oversees afternoon family time and making dinner.
• If your child is still getting used to the idea of playing independently, you might need to start out with shorter work sessions at first and build up to longer sessions of 1.5 to 2 hours. In that case, you’ll need strategy #9 below.

After you find the right rhythm for you and your family, you can invite your kids to make a poster that shows the daily rhythm and hang it in a common area. If your kids are young and not reading yet, you can make the sign yourself and be sure to add small drawings to each step in the daily rhythm to help them understand the sign.

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Bottom line: Some parents prefer a detailed hour-by-hour daily schedule, but that doesn’t work for everyone. A detailed schedule might make you feel frustrated and possibly lash out at your kids when you get off track. Establish a daily rhythm instead so that you can still have some structure while being flexible.

9. Supercharge Your Focus

We parents like to tell ourselves we’re fantastic multi-taskers. And of all the people in the world, we probably are the best at juggling multiple tasks at the same time.

We can make a lunch for school while feeding the baby breakfast and making our morning cup of coffee. We can read a picture book to a toddler while bouncing the baby on our lap and popping the pacifier back in her mouth every time she spits it out. We can help our big kid with her math homework while starting dinner and surreptitiously double-checking our math guidance with the calculator app on our phone.

But the truth is that trying to multitask is not a good thing for your productivity. Your brain is actually not designed for multitasking, so what you’re really doing is juggling tasks, switching back and forth over and over again without realizing it. Kind of like if you were pressing Alt-Tab or Ctrl-Tab on your computer to switch between apps every few seconds. But trying to multitask makes it harder for you to concentrate, and it adds to your stress.

Even worse? Switching between tasks makes everything take longer. For example, juggling two tasks results in losing approximately 20 percent of your overall productivity, making it take longer to get both tasks done than if you’d just focused on one at a time.

When you sit down to focus on work, you need to make the most of that time, so it’s essential to focus on one thing at a time. When you focus on that one task, you’ll get it done faster and be able to move onto another one. And for that, you’ll need The Pomodoro Technique.

This productivity hack with a funny name solves the problem of how multitasking makes everything take longer. It forces you to focus on one thing at a time and gives your brain the consistent breaks it needs to be productive.

How to Do It

Here’s how it works:

1. Pick one task to focus on. Then set a timer for 25 minutes. You can use a kitchen timer, a timer on your phone, or try a special Pomodoro app like Focus Booster.
2. Work on that one task until your time’s up. Don’t check Facebook, don’t get the kids a snack – just focus on that one task.
3. Take a short break, like 5-10 minutes. And live it up! Listen to a favorite podcast, do a few yoga poses, or crank up the music on your noise-cancelling headphones and host a one-person dance party. Follow whatever rabbit hole your heart desires. If your child is young and you don’t have a partner who’s overseeing the childcare while you focus, you could use this break to go and check in on your child and fill their tank by reading a quick picture book or coloring with them (see strategy #4 above).
4. Repeat steps 1-3. Then every fourth time, replace step 3 with a longer 10- or 15-minute break. This would be a good spot to check back in with your child and fill their tank (see strategy #4).

The breaks may feel silly at first because you’re anxious to make the most of your focused work time, but you are not a computer. You are not designed to run at high speeds being super productive for long stretches of time.

This strategy helps you get more done because it’s designed around how the brain works best. And the brain needs breaks.

Bottom line: Focus on one task at a time using The Pomodoro Technique so that you get your work done more quickly and minimize stress.

10. Set a Timer

Before you head off to a focused work session, try setting a timer to communicate to your child when you’ll be done and joining them again. Even young kids can understand the concept of a timer counting down.

You can use an old-school kitchen timer, set a timer on your oven or microwave, or set up a tablet or other mobile device in a visible spot with the screen locked on a timer app.

How to Do It

First, show your child the timer and explain that you’ll be available when the timer dings. This might take some repetition until your child trusts that when the timer goes off you actually will be back, so here are a few tips to help:

• Hand the timer over to your child and put them in charge of telling you when time’s up. Your kid will love the opportunity to boss you around.
• Set your kid up with their “Choose Your Own Adventure” activity before you start the timer. (See strategy #7 above.)
• Teach your child this phrase: “One thing at a time.” When my preschooler interrupts me in the middle of a Pomodoro session (see strategy #9), I ask, “How many things can Mommy do at a time?” She answers, “One thing at a time.” Then I explain the one thing I’m doing, point to the timer, and remind her that when it dings, I’ll be all hers. Bonus: The importance of focusing on one thing at a time is an excellent life lesson for kids to learn, too.
• Say you’ll need to restart the timer. If your kids are interrupting you a lot and just not getting the point, you can explain that you’ll need to start the timer all over again, which means it will take longer before you can give them your full attention. No need to whip out your stern voice. Just tell it like it is and let them decide: They can keep interrupting you so you restart the timer, or they can leave you alone and get you at the end of the time.

But this is the key: You must stop when the time is up. If you keep going, your kids will lose trust in the timer system, and they’ll start bugging you more and more while you’re trying to focus.

Bottom line: Set a timer before you head off to a work session to communicate to your kids how long they’ll have to wait.

11. Make Screen Time Count

Sticking your child in front of a screen all day typically backfires because then you have to deal with the “screen time zombie effect” later on when they’re finally off screens – which depending on the kid means they’ll be quick to anger, highly irritable, or moody and unmotivated.

Many work-from-home parents find that what works best is to save screen time for the most important times when you need to focus with absolutely no interruptions – like when you have a conference call or you’re trying to meet a deadline. Also, consider setting a timer for screen time so you communicate a clear boundary for when it will end (see strategy #10 above).

With that said, all screen time is not created equal.

Research shows that fast-moving animation or video leads to attention issues in children, and those kids get bored by real-life activities more easily. On the other hand, educational and slower-paced screen time doesn’t have the same negative effects.

In other words, a child who played Fortnite for an hour straight will come off screen time a lot crankier than a child who watched a one-hour nature documentary.

“The quality of what children watch on screens is more important than how much they watch.”

Susan Friedman, National Association for the Education of Young Children

How to Do It

In light of the impact different kinds of screen time will have on your child, here are a few tips to help you make the most of this powerful tool for working from home with kids in tow:

• Sit down with your child and watch an old Mister Rogers episode, or play LEGOs or make art while the episode plays in the background. Then pay attention to your child. This slow-paced children’s show tends to put many kids in a sort of calm trance, and when the episode is over, they aren’t moody like they tend to be after other kinds of television. If your child seems to chill out a bit while watching, consider adding a Mister Rogers episode to your daily rhythm (see strategy #8 above). Guilt-free screen time? Check!
• Set your child up with a kid-friendly documentary during a Choose Your Own Adventure time (see strategy #7). Here are a few excellent documentaries my kids have enjoyed:
  • The Biggest Little Farm – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Chasing Coral – available on Netflix here
  • The Elephant Queen – available on Apple TV+
  • March of the Penguins – available to rent on Amazon here
  • A Reindeer’s Journey – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Spellbound – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Walking with Dinosaurs – available to rent on Amazon here
  • Several documentaries on Disneynature have activity packets you can download as a supplement to the documentary
• My kids love watching short video adaptations of children’s books. You can purchase these story time videos on Apple TV, or some libraries participate in Kanopy Kids so you can get free access to a whole bucketload of them. After you log into Kanopy and go to the Kanopy Kids section, look for the “Story Time” category. (Side note: You’ll also get access to lots of kid-friendly documentaries through Kanopy!)
• Let a famous actor read aloud to your child. Through Storyline Online, you can access free videos of actors reading children’s books aloud.
• Children’s book author Kate Messner put together an amazing resource of videos with authors reading aloud, leading kids through art activities, and more. She’s done the hard work of finding all the awesomeness, so you just need to queue up a few of the videos for your child to watch.
• Let your child FaceTime or Skype a relative. For example, if their grandparents are retired, set your child up so they can make a video call and chat. The grandparents will be happy, and your child will be entertained for a bit!
• When it comes to apps and games, some are better than others for staving off the screen time zombie effect. Here’s a list of the best educational apps for kids that won’t make them moody and unruly afterwards.
• If your child wants to play a fast-moving app or game, set a timer or an app time limit to keep the amount of time reasonable and minimize the negative effects. For example, on iOS devices, you can use the Screen Time settings to configure a time limit for specific apps.

Bottom line: Choose the best kind of screen time for your child so that you don’t end up with behavior issues to deal with later on when you rejoin the family after a work session.

12. Remember Three Is a Magic Number

Let’s say your kids are set up with a sneakily educational activity (see strategies #7 and 11 above) that will keep them busy for at least 30 minutes (strategy #9).

But when you finally sit down to focus on work, your mind buzzes with All The Things. You feel the pressure of the gabazillion tasks you need to get done right now, but you know you have limited time so you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. So instead, you end up just checking email or doing the easy tasks that aren’t important and won’t move the needle.

The solution? MITs. Otherwise known as Most Important Tasks.

Your MITs will give you a roadmap for your work day. If you end up with a few extra minutes where your kids are distracted and quiet, you’ll know exactly what to work on. You won’t end up wasting your precious focus time, floundering around trying to decide what to do.

You’ll feel infinitely better about how much work you’re getting done, plus when you sit down to work you’ll be focused on your top priorities instead of getting distracted by the chime of the latest Facebook notification.

How to Do It

Every morning, this is the first thing you should do before you check email or read the news:

1. Pull out your to-do list.
2. Pick the three tasks that are most important to get done that day, and jot them down. Just three! Or if you prefer, you can pick your MITs the night before. But pick the three things that must happen today.

I can hear you right now. “Uhhh…three? Just THREE?!?”

To be clear, after you get your MITs out of the way, you can always do more. But don’t even pick out any of those “bonus” tasks until after you’ve finished your MITs first. Because when your list has more than three items on it, you’ll waste time trying to decide what you’ll do first, and you’re more likely to bounce back and forth between tasks. That means you’ll lose time to context switching, which will make everything take longer to get done.

Keep in mind that MITs should be tasks, not huge projects. More along the lines of “Write email to boss” and not “Plan next 5 years of product launches.” For example, here are my MITs from the day I finished writing this post:

1. Write section about MITs
2. Reply to student who needs help accessing time management course
3. Finish list of activities for kids at home that will keep them happy + busy + learning

I did the first two with my morning tea before the kids were awake (see strategy #3 above), then I picked away at the third throughout the day. But because I’d already gotten the two Most Important Tasks done early on, the pressure was off, and later in the day, I was able to focus without feeling overwhelmed.

You’ll have a new set of MITs every day, so feel free to use whatever works: a Post-It note, your phone, or the back of a Costco receipt.

Bottom line: Before you do anything else each morning, pick your three Most Important Tasks for the day and jot them down. Then when you get time to focus, do your MITs first.

The Best Apps + Tools for Working From Home With Kids

Below, you’ll find a quick run-down of the most essential tools if you need to work from home with children in tow. You certainly can make it work without everything on this list, but if you’re looking to optimize your work-from-home setup, these tools are worth it!

• A time-tracking app – One of the dangers of working from home with kids is constantly feeling like you’re not getting enough work done or working enough hours. To combat that, I highly recommend to all my time management students that you use a time-tracking app. Not only will the timer of an app help keep you focused on the task at hand, you’ll be able to see exactly how much focused work time you’re getting in during the day and make adjustments if necessary. But more often than not, my students find that they’re actually working more than they realized, which eliminates that unnecessary guilt.
  My pick: Toggl. I’ve used just about every time-tracking app known to mankind, and this one does everything you need and is available on several different platforms. Plus, they have a free version.
• Noise-canceling headphones – These are a lifesaver! When you can hear every little noise your kids are making, it’s near impossible to give your work your full attention. And when you can’t focus, everything will take longer to get done, keeping you away from your kids longer and increasing the chances they’ll interrupt you.
  My pick: Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones 700 or TaoTronics Active Noise Cancelling Headphones. The Bose headphones are expensive, but they work like magic. If cost is an issue, ask if your company can reimburse you for the headphones. Otherwise, the TaoTronics earbuds are more cost effective and still work great.
• Baby monitor – If your kids are on the younger side or if they tend to get into mischief when you’re not around, invest in a high-quality baby monitor and one or two cameras. Set the cameras up in the main areas where your kids will be hanging out like the living room or kitchen, then set the monitor to automatically switch between the two camera views and put the monitor on your desk in your peripheral vision. If your child yelps or screams for some reason, most monitors will light up to catch your attention, which is helpful if you have noise-canceling headphones on. Also, you can glance over and take a quick peek as often as you want to make sure everyone’s still where you expect them to be.
  My pick: Infant Optics DXR-8. We’ve had this baby monitor for years, and it’s still going strong. It’s even survived a few drops to the hardwood floor!
• Smart doorbell camera – Consider getting a smart doorbell so you can rest assured that no one is knocking on the door while you’ve got your headphones on. Just set up the app to give you an alert if someone’s at the door so that you see it while you’re working.
  My pick: Eufy Video Doorbell or SimpliSafe. Go with the Eufy if you just want a doorbell because it has lots of features and is cost-effective, but if you want a home security system, we love our SimpliSafe system.
• Headset – If you’ll be on an important video call and you’re worried your kids will screech and scream and turn the TV volume up to the max, most noise-cancelling headphones can handle your audio needs, but you can also get a high-quality headset. Headsets typically don’t pick up on as much of the background noise as the built-in microphone on your laptop or your headphones.
  My pick: Jabra Evolve 75. As with the noise-canceling headphones, ask if your company can reimburse you for the headset.
• Wi-fi router – If you haven’t replaced your wi-fi router in a while, you might not be getting the best speed and performance you could be. This is especially important if you do a lot of video calls or events.
  My pick: TP-Link Archer AC4000.
• Desk and chair – Duh, right? But you’d be amazed what an ergonomic desk setup will do for your productivity! Before I got real office furniture, I didn’t realize how much being hunched over my laptop in a not-so-ergonomic chair was impacting my focus. It’s hard to do your best work when your back hurts and you have to squint at your tiny laptop screen.
  My pick: A desk with adjustable legs like the IKEA GERTON + OLOV combo package and for the chair, I splurged on the Herman Miller Aeron and never looked back. I used to have a budget office chair at a previous job and my back always hurt at the end of the day. But when I was ready to invest in a high-quality chair I saved up for the Herman Miller, and it was well worth it.
• Laptop stand or external monitor – If you have a laptop, it’s best to use a stand to raise your laptop and avoid straining your neck. Or as another option, you can hook up to an external monitor to avoid eye strain too.
  My pick: Rain Design iLevel 2 or the HP 27q monitor. I used to have a laptop stand then upgraded to this external monitor (plus a Bluetooth keyboard and mouse trackpad), and now I refuse to do any work on my laptop at home without hooking up to my full setup.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet: Working From Home With Kids

Print this cheat sheet right now as a handy reminder of the best advice for working from home with kids so that you can keep your kids busy + happy while you get your work done.

Remember: Even if all you do is use one strategy from this list, you’ll see an impact. And the more you can implement, the better the results you’ll see.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Keep your cheat sheet somewhere handy like on your desk or your nightstand.
4. Try one. Pick one strategy to try for a few days to see how it fits your personality and your family. If at any point you notice your frustration increasing or that you’re not able to get the work done that you need to, revisit the cheat sheet and pick another strategy to try.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

What’s your best advice for working from home with kids? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Work From Home With Kids—Without Losing It appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Every parent I know would love to stay calm, cool, and collected no matter what their kid throws at them.

But when your toddler unspools a roll of toilet paper into the toilet bowl and flushes, overflowing musty wastewater all over your hardwood floors?

It’s human nature. Your emotions are bound to get the better of you. While you clean up the mess, you might huff, stomp, or raise your voice in frustration.

So much for being a calm and loving parent no matter what.

The Secret to Being a Calm Parent Isn’t What You Think

I used to think that if I could just figure out the secret for becoming a “zen mama,” positive parenting would come naturally to me every moment of the day.

But then I had an epiphany that changed my whole outlook on positive parenting.

Here’s the important thing I realized: Many people want to have a happy life. But happiness isn’t something you achieve one day and check off your list.

Being a calm parent is the same way. It’s not something you check off your list and never have to think of again. It’s a temporary state.

In other words, nobody can be perfectly happy all the time, just like nobody can be a perfectly calm parent all the time.

Here’s What You Can Do: Quick Positive Parenting Videos

In order to exist in that calm parenting mode as much as possible, we need to continually inspire ourselves to be better, more chill parents.

But if we’re being honest with ourselves?

As busy parents, we don’t always have the time or mental…freshness to read long think-pieces about parenting in the New York Times.

Sure, we need to keep reminding ourselves of our positive parenting goals, but how are we supposed to focus long enough to read a whole parenting book or even an inspirational article?

My favorite quick fix is to watch one of a few powerful positive parenting videos I’ve curated over the years.

Related: 24 Best YouTube Videos for Kids to Change How They See The World

10 Positive Parenting Videos That Will Make You a Better Parent

Below, you’ll find a list of the best, most inspirational parenting videos I’ve discovered over the years. The list below includes useful tips, real-world solutions, and thoughtful guidance on how to handle your biggest parenting challenges.

But most importantly, all these videos are short—perfect for when you need a quick dose of inspiration to reclaim your zen parent status.

When you’re in survival mode and struggling to keep your cool because your kid Facetimed your boss while you were in the shower, watch one of these quick positive parenting videos and you’ll get back on track.

Go ahead and bookmark this page, and watch the videos at your own pace, like one a day or one a week. Come back to it whenever you need another dose of parenting inspiration.

Also, I know firsthand that a houseful of loud kids can make it impossible to watch even a short video. So where possible, I’ve also included snippets of quotes from the videos so you can quickly scan for inspiration.

1. What Your Child Needs to Hear

I wish I’d seen this video when I was just starting out as a parent instead of several years into my parenting journey. Because if I had, it would have made countless challenging moments so much easier—for me and my children.

While the title of the video has to do with grief, the takeaways apply to any emotional upset your child (or you) might experience in life, big or small. And the suggested phrase at the end of the video works like magic to comfort toddlers and preschoolers all the way to tweens and teenagers—and beyond.

“Why does it seem like our best efforts to help somebody feel better always backfire?

…Cheering people up, telling them to be strong and perservere, helping them move on—it doesn’t actually work…It seems counterintuitive, but the way to help someone feel better is to let them be in pain…

Acknowledgement makes things better, even when they can’t be made right.”

2. Don’t Offer Sympathy

Building on the “aha” moment from the previous video, this one quickly explains the difference between sympathy and empathy. And that’s important because if we want to teach our children empathy, we need to model it first.

“When someone’s in a deep hole and they shout out from the bottom and they say, ‘I’m stuck. It’s dark. I’m overwhelmed…’

Sympathy is: ‘Ooh, it’s bad, uh-huh? Uh…you want a sandwich?’

Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.

Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with ‘At least…” And we do it all the time. Because you know what? Someone just shared something with us that’s incredibly painful, and we’re trying to ‘silver lining’ it.”

Dr. Brené Brown

Related: Empathy Is Tough to Teach, But Here’s One Trick That Will Boost It

3. Does Your Face Light Up?

When Toni Morrison made an appearance on Oprah to talk about her books, she just so happened to drop one of the most powerful pearls of parenting wisdom I’ve ever heard.

“When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. And so, you think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them.

It’s not.

When they see you, they see the critical face. ‘What’s wrong now?’

But then if you let your…face speak what’s in your heart? When they walked in the room, I was glad to see them. It’s just as small as that.”

Toni Morrison

4. Which Wolf Will Win the Fight?

This is a powerful analogy about two wolves fighting in your heart. When I watch this, I think of the red wolf as the anger and frustration I feel as a parent—and everything clicks.

“There is a story, usually attributed to the Native American tradition, which illuminates different ways of paying attention.

An elder, talking to a child, says, ‘I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is fearful, vengeful, envious, resentful, and deceitful. The other wolf is compassionate, loving, generous, truthful, and peaceful.’

The child asks, ‘Which wolf will win the fight?’

The elder responds, ‘The one I feed.’

…That doesn’t mean we try to deny or hurt or kill the angry wolf. If we did that, we’d end up in a long battle, all the while somehow making that wolf more powerful through our hostility and fear.”

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

5. Things We Should Say More Often

This is just one of many gems from Kid President. Too often, we forget that our kids deserve the same courtesy and kindness that we would extend to one of our adult friends. Out of all these powerful + positive parenting videos, this one is most likely to put a big smile on your face!

Here’s a sample of the list…

20. Thank you. (And not just on Thanksgiving, everyday!)
19. Excuse me.
18. Here’s a surprise corn dog that I bought you because you’re my friend. (There’ll be more corn dogs and more happy people. This is a good idea!)
17. I’m sorry.
16. I forgive you.
15. You can do it!

Related: How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids {Printable}

6. Love the Kid You Have

This short film has no dialogue but always reminds me of this quote:

“Parenthood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you’d have. It’s about understanding your child is exactly the person they are supposed to be. And if you’re lucky, they might be the teacher who turns you into the person you’re supposed to be.”

The Water Giver

To read more about this short film, check out How Society Kills Your Creativity – In An Award Winning Pixar-Esque Short Film.

7. The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

This clip is from an appearance on Oprah with Dr. Brené Brown, who is a researcher, professor, and author. Dr. Brown is also a parent, and Oprah asked her to share her Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto.

Here’s a taste for you:

“Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable.

You will learn this from my words and my actions, the lessons on love, and how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

You will learn that you are worthy of love belonging in joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.

We’ll share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both…”

Dr. Brené Brown

8. The Way We Talk to Kids Matters

This video is a little different than the other positive parenting videos in the list because it’s targeted to people who work in schools. Still, this one always makes me reflect on my own tone as a parent.

And when the school administrator talks to the teacher about her students’ behavior, I cringe because I have definitely done the same when telling my husband about a child’s behavior…in front of the child.

“It doesn’t have to be this way. Everyone we meet throughout our day can make a difference. All the difference.

Talk with us, not at us.

Teach us what we need to know. That’s how we get smarter.

And when you talk with us and teach us, give us bigger and bigger words. Words that we can use to read and understand. And that will take us places we could never reach without you.”

9. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen to You

Josh Shipp is a parent, author, and advocate for youth. He has a few great positive parenting videos, but this one’s my favorite.

“When you ask a kid a question, you are inviting and evoking critical thinking. And ultimately as parents, that’s what we want. A fully functioning teenage human being who—without us there, in our absence—can analyze a situation and know in that moment what the wise choice is.

Focus on questions [and] get them to come to those conclusions so they will own those conclusions for life.”

Josh Shipp

10. Your Normal May Be Their Magic

This sweet video shows a normal day from both the mother’s and the child’s perspectives. Never forget that your “normal” may be their magic.

Your Turn

What are your favorite positive parenting videos? Share in a comment below!

The post 10 Quick + Powerful Videos That Will Make You an Even Better Parent appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Dear mama,

The work of parenting is hard, and still we show up and give our kids the best of ourselves every day – no matter if we’re bone tired, battling a cold, or just in the mood to sit on the couch with a bag of Doritos and watch reality TV all day.

But instead, we wipe noses, we read “just one more book,” we help with science fair projects.

We worry about how to get them to eat more veggies, we (gently!) clean knee scrapes, we answer “why” a gabazillion times a day.

We play “I Spy” in the car, we make doctor and dentist appointments, we tuck them in at night again and again (and again).

We do all this and so much more.

And we don’t need much in return. We’re fueled mainly by hugs and an occasional “Thanks, Mom.”

But I see you.

I know you’re doing your best.

Even if you slip up and yell once in a while. Even if you can’t always find the time to play with your kids. Even if you go to bed every night with a sink full of dirty dishes.

You’re trying to raise kind, responsible kids who will grow into well-rounded, happy adults, and sometimes that just doesn’t leave time for doing the dishes.

On Mother’s Day, you might not get the perfect gift. You might not get breakfast in bed. You might not even get a break from any of the countless things you do for your family day in and day out.

And so I wish I could stop by with a pan of lasagna to save you from cooking dinner one night this week – or maybe a batch of fresh chocolate chip cookies if your sweet tooth is as fierce as mine.

I would pull up a chair at your kitchen table, and we could trade stories about tantrums and bedtime stalling and sibling scuffles. And in this perfect world, we’d both have piping hot coffees, and our kids would entertain each other without screaming so we could have a real live adult conversation for once.

I can’t do that, but I can say this.

During the daily grind of motherhood, it’s easy to lose sight of the contribution you’re making to the universe.

You’re putting everything you have into raising kids who will do good things in this crazy world of ours.

Even if no one else says thank you on Mother’s Day, I want to share my gratitude right now, mother to mother.

Thank you for all you do.

Thank you for staying calm during their tantrums – and for forgiving yourself when you get caught up in the storm.

Thank you for raising them to help with chores – even when you’re tired of asking for help.

Thank you for teaching them how to talk through sibling fights – even when you’re sick of hearing about it.

Thank you for helping with their math homework – even when you don’t feel confident about how to do it yourself.

Thank you for saying “no” when they want a phone – even when they beg.

Thank you for getting down on the floor, creaking knees and all, and playing LEGOs or dolls or pretend restaurant – even when you have a to-do list a mile long.

Thank you for hugging them and saying “I love you no matter what” – even when you’re sad, frustrated, or angry.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

On Sunday, remember this.

In all those small moments and so many more, you are doing the boots-on-the-ground work of making the world a better place.

So if your kiddos deliver a “breakfast in bed” on Sunday that consists of soggy toast and lukewarm coffee?

You can smile knowing that just like you and me, they’re doing their best and they don’t always get it perfect.

But that gesture from your kids, no matter how small or how imperfect, is an undeniable sign of the breathtakingly beautiful contribution you’re making to the universe.

On Monday, Mother’s Day will be over, and odds are no one will be bringing you flowers or encouraging you to take a nap.

But still, your world-changing work will go on.

I see you.
I thank you.
The universe thanks you.

“Your greatest contribution to the universe may not be something you do, but someone you raise.”

Author unknown

Get my book 50% off for Mother’s Day: Happy You, Happy Family

Your Turn

What would you add to this Mother’s Day message for your fellow moms? Share in a comment below!

The post To the mom who feels like no one notices appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

My coffee cup was halfway to my mouth for that first sip of the day when the battle cries from the 5- and 6-year-old cousins drifted into my sister’s kitchen…

No, it’s MINE!
But I had it FIRST!
That’s not fair!
But I want it!

I sighed.

Then the 2-year-old shrieked, and I jumped up quickly, irritated before even entering the room. My body leaned forward, and my breath held tight in my chest. I went in hot.

And while I didn’t technically yell, my tone wasn’t much better. Maybe no one will get to have it if we can’t agree. Maybe we all need to take a break. Well, none of that is YOURS, actually, it all belongs to the 2-year-old.

Biting words. Fighting words. Words that certainly did not bring peace to the situation.

Looking into their faces with their furrowed brows and set jaws, I realized I was just reacting to their emotions instead of responding in a caring and constructive way. The opposite of mindful, calm parenting.

Bonus: Get a 3-step plan to calm parenting from Ashley, the author of this article and the mom behind the website Nurture and Thrive, when you sign up for her free Mindful Parenting email series.

The Reason We Lose Our Cool As Parents

I’m a child development psychologist. I know reacting like that doesn’t teach kids how to regulate their own emotions. I know biting words don’t help kids learn how to resolve conflict. I know kids need connection in order to cooperate.

Calm parenting is a must for healthy childhood development. And yet, I still reacted to emotion with emotion. Why?

The truth is that the less regulated we are as parents, the more likely it is that we will react to our kids, letting their emotions overcome us.

For example, I’d spent the day before on a 6-hour plane ride and was operating on less sleep and a time difference. It felt like responding to the kids’ emotions in a constructive way would take too much energy.

But I’ve discovered that one little trick for calm parenting can make all the difference between reacting and responding, even when you’re exhausted.

The Secret to Calm Parenting? The Pause

A few minutes later, the shrieks began again.

But that time, I caught myself tensing up and I paused.

I took a slow breath. I said my mantra: “Observe with an open heart.” I centered myself.

Here’s why: Research shows that saying a mantra can calm the brain. Pair that with the power of deep breathing, a proven way to halt the stress response, and you have a powerful way to center yourself. The secret to calm parenting.

After the pause, I was prepared to face the self-perceived injustice of three strong-willed boys.

After the pause, I saw their stressed faces and their struggle. I empathized – I can see you’re upset. You feel like this is unfair.

After the pause, I asked them if they could think of a way to work it out. We waded through their suggestions and settled on something everyone could agree to.

This is responding instead of reacting. This is mindful parenting – calm parenting.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

How to Be a Calm Parent: The Power of the Pause

Rapid breathing in your upper chest, tight muscles, a tight jaw, a sense of urgency – all of these are early signs of stress in the body. When you feel them, take a mindful pause.

Here’s how you can get started with this calm parenting technique:

1. Stop what you’re doing and count to 10. If you need to remove a younger child from the situation, you can pick them up, but don’t react to anything yet. Simply hold them. Count to 10 out loud in front of your kids. (Modeling how to calm down is a great bonus for teaching your children self-regulation!)
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Say your mantra. (More on this in a minute.)

Developmental psychologists now use this kind of practice as a way to strengthen relationships between parents and adolescents.

Programs that teach parents mindfulness techniques include paying attention to the breath, recognizing signs of stress in your own body, and then being able to halt that process with a pause. Parents learn how to be a calm parent – breathe mindfully and say a mantra like “stop, be calm, be present.”

But First, Choose Your Mantra

Here are some calm parenting mantras that have worked for me:

• “Ride this wave, mama”
• “Respond with grace”
• “I am their mom”
• “Choose kindness”
• “I am here for you”
• “Observe with an open heart”
• “Act with love”
• “Choose joy”
• “See how little they are”

Choose a mantra that works for you. Maybe you’d like a clear mantra that’s to the point, or perhaps you prefer one that has a deeper meaning.

After you’ve established taking a mindful pause as a habit, switch up your mantras to keep the words fresh and meaningful. Find words that inspire you, and you’ll feel empowered rather than exhausted.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}

Here’s the Best Part

What I appreciate about the pause is that it helps me thoughtfully respond to my child instead of react. But that’s not even the best part.

When you pause, you root yourself in the moment. You’re more present.

You’ll find yourself pausing for the good things too – for savoring and soaking up the sweetness and hilarity of childhood.

Like on our trip to my sister’s house. After the initial conflict, my sister reminded me that it’s always like that when the cousins first get together. They’re feeling each other out. She was right.

The next day, when it was a little too quiet I found them all huddled together amongst the vacuum and the mop, flashlights in tow, and a headlamp on the 2-year-old. They whispered to each other the stories that will form the memories of adventures with cousins – memories that will stay with them for life.

And I was present in the moment to enjoy it. I was finally able to enjoy a leisurely coffee and chat with my sister whom I don’t get to see face to face nearly enough.

Then later, when the oldest begged for a silly song to be played, we all danced like hooligans around my sister’s ottoman, right there in her living room. It’s a moment I’ll always remember.

Mindful, calm parenting can be exhausting. Being able to center yourself and weather your child’s storms takes practice. Half the battle is remembering to do it. But when you take a pause, you find your power there.

Get a Printable Plan

This is a special note from Ashley, the author of this article and the mom behind Nurture and Thrive…

I made a free printable 3-step plan to calm parenting to help you stay calm and centered. When you get the printable, you’ll also join my free Mindful Parenting email series. Just click here to get it and subscribe.

How to Catch Yourself Before You Lose Your Cool

And now one final note from Kelly, the founder of this site…

I asked Ashley to share this article with you because this is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.

Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Want More?

For more information about mindfulness, here’s a guided mindfulness exercise from the CSU Center for Mindfulness.

Your Turn

What’s your best trick for calm parenting? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Stop Losing Your Cool With Your Kids—With a Powerful Pause appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Dear stranger,

This is for the ones who say “you have your hands full” in a way that sounds like I have an incurable disease.

It’s for the ones who asked if I know how birth control works. It’s for the ones who ask how old I am, like I sold myself short somehow. It’s for the ones who want to know if I’m “done” even though they don’t know my first name.

This is for the ones who say “better you than me” when they see me with my little troop at the grocery store, struggling to fit three grocery bags in one hand while I wrangle four kids with the other hand. It’s for the ones who cannot understand why anyone would want to do this to themselves.

If you think my hands are full…

You see, my hands are full, but so is my heart.

These days are long, yes, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Even when you see me in the thick of it. Even when one of my kids is throwing a fit and another one is asking for a snack, and yet another is convinced that they must have this stuffed kitty or they will die. Even when my hands are truly “full”, I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t be anywhere else doing anything else.

You could offer me an all-expenses-paid ticket to any different life and even if it came with a white sandy beach and unlimited fruity cocktails, I wouldn’t take it. I wouldn’t give it a single thought.

I know it sounds crazy, but love is crazy, I guess.

Stranger, don’t feel sorry for me.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have quiet for 48 hours in a row, but I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if they weren’t “full.” Never would I ever trade my “normal” for anyone else’s.

So don’t feel sorry for me for one second.

I am blessed. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams to be this girl in this life.

I am grateful. I am grateful for the good days and the bad days and everything in between. I’m even grateful for the days when the tantrums and power struggles and sibling scuffles make me want to scream and run down the street.

What you don’t know…

What you don’t know is that I see the world in their eyes. You don’t know that when I tuck them in at night and they share what’s weighing on their little hearts, I feel like the wealthiest person on the planet. You don’t know that when a little hand touches my face with an “I love you,” every difficult moment comes into focus.

I’d choose all of this a million times again.

And you don’t know that when you see my four, there should have been six. I lost two babies before they took their first breath, before I held them in my arms. I have friends who have had to wait two years or ten years just to start their families. I have a friend who lost a child when that child was in the prime of his boyhood. I know those for whom motherhood is a dream not yet realized.

Related: House Full, Hands Full, Heart Full Graphic Tee^†

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Full hands, full heart.

So please, don’t for one second feel sorry for me and my “full” hands.

Yes, this job is hard, but most things that matter are.

The cost doesn’t match the reward…not even close.

I am living my best life. Even here, even in this grocery store, even with my hands full of groceries and chaos. Full hands, full heart.

But if you do happen to have an extra hand, I wouldn’t say no to a little help with these grocery bags.

Want More?

For more responses like “If you think my hands are full…” check out The 5 Best Comebacks to “You Have Your Hands Full”.

Your Turn

How would you finish “If you think my hands are full…”? Share in a comment below.

The post Dear Stranger, Yes, My Hands Are Full… appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I stood outside my kids’ bedroom door, smiling as I listened to them wrestle and laugh while they were supposed to be putting their pajamas on.

During the day, I’d checked off a handful of items on my to-do list, I’d gotten my kids where they needed to go on time (well, mostly on time), and no one was sick or seriously injured.

Today seemed like a win.

But then my smile slipped, and that relief and gratification started to fade away. New feelings of emptiness and guilt settled deep in my gut.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining our weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you enjoy motherhood, backed by science.

Here’s What I Realized

After a full day of being a mom to my sweet young kids, I didn’t take the time to stop and be fully present with them. I wasn’t enjoying motherhood.

Instead, my thoughts of daily tasks and to-do’s took control of my day.

• I didn’t tune into the excitement in my daughter’s voice as she told me all about her solo in the upcoming school concert. How did I forget to pull dinner out of the freezer again?
• I missed taking a pause during our naptime story to appreciate my 3-year old’s dimple that’s already starting to fade away. Just two more minutes until freedom!
• I didn’t enjoy the 15 blissful minutes where all three of my kids played with kinetic sand – without fighting. What a mess! I’d better go get the vacuum.

Why Regret Keeps Coming Back

I start out every day with the best intentions of finding time to connect with and enjoy my time with these little people who also happen to be my favorite people.

Papers to sign, field trip money to send, lunches to be made – and that’s just the first three minutes of the day. So much to do and never enough time to do it all.

When you’re caught up in the current of day-to-day tasks, it can feel more like being pulled in by an undertow.

But I don’t want to spend motherhood pulled under and dragged around by all the doing at the expense of being with my kids.

So my question became: What’s the secret to enjoying motherhood when the daily work of motherhood drags you down?

The Biggest Hurdle to Enjoying Motherhood

From my training as a family therapist, I know that our brains are wired for survival. They keep us going, even under stress. This means we can perform many tasks throughout the day without thinking much about them. In the span of 10 minutes, we can chop veggies for dinner, mediate a sibling fight, and restart the laundry in the dryer (again).

What makes this possible is our implicit – or automatic – memory.

Implicit memory helps us be the masterful multitaskers that we need to be – like when the stomach flu hits at 2:00 am and we have to become a carpet cleaner, nurse, and laundress all at once. But implicit memory can also get us into trouble.

When we engage in thoughts and behaviors from implicit (subconscious) memory on a regular basis, we find ourselves in a state of mom auto-pilot. In other words, we’re productive but not awake or intentionally engaged in enjoying motherhood.

In essence, our brains are designed to survive and function under stress, but they cannot thrive under stress.

But thanks to recent brain research, we now know an effective and powerful way to take charge of this mom autopilot mode so we can get back to enjoying motherhood.

Get Your Copy + Bonus Workbook: Happy You, Happy Family

The Secret to Enjoying Motherhood, According to Science

Most moms want to live intentionally and spend more time in being mode and less in doing mode. We want to enjoy time with our kids and not just view them as a set of tasks to be checked off.

The good news? Science has found a powerful key to slowing down and enjoying your child. It’s something we are all capable of, and we can do it anywhere at any time.

Mindfulness.

This is a buzzword nowadays because of how powerful it can be, but mindfulness just means being aware of the current moment in a kind and non-biased way. This could be as simple as putting a thought into words or paying attention to your bodily sensations. (More on what that really means in a minute.)

When you tune into the here and now by noticing thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, you engage an important area of the brain known as the pre-frontal cortex. This area of the brain helps you regulate your behaviors and emotions. In other words, that part of the brain allows us to be the calm, responsive, and loving moms we want to be.

But when you operate on mom auto-pilot, your pre-frontal cortex is not engaged, so you’re more likely to be reactive, tuned out, and stressed.

Looking back on the days when I’ve found myself in mom auto-pilot mode, this explains why I get to the end of the day and feel that tug of regret for how the day went.

3 Simple But Powerful Steps Every Busy Mom Can Take to Enjoy Motherhood

Here are three quick and easy mindfulness tricks even busy moms can squeeze in periodically throughout the day.

These techniques will help you move from doing to being in the moment, but their magic goes even further than that.

Every time you take a minute to use one of these tricks, you’ll actually build new pathways in your brain. Over time, strengthening your mind in this way will translate to the rest of your day, and you’ll experience more positive moments with your kids – even without consciously using one of these techniques.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

1. Observe Like a Friend

While attending a professional training on mindfulness, I was surprised to learn that approximately 80 percent of our daily thoughts are negative. Many of our thoughts are what’s considered “automatic,” meaning they happen very quickly and originate from our past experiences or circumstances.

Because thoughts are often fast-moving and subconscious, your thoughts can sometimes be inaccurate and unhelpful – to put it mildly. The best way to stop letting unhelpful thoughts control you and your thinking is to step back to observe your thoughts from the outside, through a lens of kindness towards yourself.

Some moms find it helpful to talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend.

For example, you might say, “Wow, I’m really beating myself up over forgetting the classroom treat. I’m really hard on myself when I make a mistake. I can give myself the same grace and forgiveness that I try to give my child. I’m doing the best I can.”

Or as another example: “I just snapped at the kids over something small, and I think it’s because the living room floor is cluttered with all the kids’ toys. It’s common for clutter to cause stress, and it’s understandable that it’s frustrating me. I can ask the kids to help me tidy up so we can play a quick game of Duck, Duck, Goose.”

2. Forget About Bears

Remember how our brains are wired for survival? This means our minds grab onto the negatives in our environment much easier than the positives. This is how our brains keep us from zoning out while staring at a pretty flower when a bear is chasing us down. But because we aren’t necessarily running away from bears on a daily basis any longer, we need to take control of our unhelpful survival instincts.

To do this, notice and describe the details of pleasant experiences.

For example, while watching your kids play together without fighting, you might notice and describe the bodily sensations: “I feel warm in my chest, relaxed, and full of gratitude.”

3. Think of a Label

In the course of a busy day as a parent, it’s tempting to avoid unpleasant feelings by turning to food, scrolling through our Facebook feed, or even exercise. Noticing negative emotions can be uncomfortable, so we often develop patterns of coping that seem helpful in the moment. But unfortunately, they’re not helpful in the long-term.

The next time you feel a strong emotion, label that emotion and allow yourself to sit with the feeling. Use just a word or two to describe how you’re feeling, starting with “I’m feeling…”

Research shows that the simple act of labeling a strong emotion and acknowledging it can allow the emotion pass through – whereas trying to deny an emotion can derail your good intentions for the rest of the day.

By the way, the phrasing “I’m feeling angry” is important compared to just “I’m angry.” The extra word “feeling” helps you separate the emotion you’re experiencing from your sense of self. It’s a lot easier to overcome a negative emotion when you label it as something you’re feeling instead of something you are.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}

Before You Go: An Important Note on Mindfulness

To be clear, mindfulness is not a quick one-time fix. You can’t do one of these techniques one time and expect to suddenly enjoy every moment of motherhood from there forward. As anything in life that’s worthwhile, shifting to parenting with mindfulness takes intention and a commitment to enjoying motherhood.

But these small practices give you a practical and meaningful way to slow down your busy days so you can enjoy motherhood again. Parents who use these tricks regularly even report that they feel like they have more time in their days.

More time to breathe in the sights, sounds, and smells of those tiny people who keep you busy from sunup to sundown.

This quote from mindfulness expert Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn says it best:

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”

Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn

Mindfulness gives us an anchor as moms, allowing us to slow down and stand strong amidst the undertow of busyness.

And that is an invaluable gift in our stressed out and fast-paced world: the gift of learning how to enjoy being a mom so we get to the end of every day feeling a sense of deep fulfillment instead of nagging regret.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re struggling to enjoy motherhood, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take. Use this cheat sheet to help you get back to enjoying motherhood. You’ll get a reminder for the previous tip plus 6 bonus quick fixes. For the full story behind each quick fix, check out How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join our weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Note: The research for this article is based on the 8-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training Angela completed with her therapy clinic. Get more information about The Mindful Academy International or mindfulness training from accredited MBSR teacher Tina Romenesko here.

Your Turn

What’s your secret to enjoying motherhood? Share in a comment below!

The post How Your Brain Stops You From Enjoying Motherhood—And How to Fix It appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

My youngest turns two this week, and I’m in denial. Because it’s going too fast. Way too fast.

She doesn’t want help getting buckled in her car seat. She can put on her own socks and shoes—on the right feet. And when I rock her before bedtime, she says, “Done rocking. Ready for sleep now.”

I should be rejoicing that after years of being pregnant and nursing and caring for infants and toddlers, I finally got a little of my “freedom” back.

But I wasn’t ready for everything to move this fast.

Forget getting your “freedom” back—how can you slow down time and bottle up these moments so you can relive them later?

Every Day, It’s Something New

Last night, we drove to dinner with all three girls in the back seat pretending to be robots, and Charlie said “Affirmative” in a robot tone with perfect pronunciation.

A few days before that, she discovered she can jump in an elevator and shake the whole thing something fierce, which cracks her up.

And before that, she put on an old princess costume (by herself) and ran around in circles in the living room, chanting, “I a princess, I a princess, I a princess.”

I got the camera out, but the video just didn’t do the moment justice.

“Maybe I’ll catch it another time,” I thought.

But I Knew the Truth

After three kids, I know there probably won’t be another time. Everything moves too fast.

One week, they’re doing something cute, and the next, it’s just…gone.

I’ll forever regret not capturing the way my oldest said “hippopotamus” when she was a toddler.

But this weekend, a moment with my 4-year-old filled me with an urgency to freeze time that I haven’t felt before.

I Didn’t Even Notice It

My child was waking up from an afternoon nap on the couch. I sat down near her with my back up against the couch, chatting about what we should do the rest of the day.

She reached out to my hair and started twirling it.

I flinched.

Because I realized. Ever since she was a baby, she’d been obsessed with my hair. She played with it to fall asleep, to calm down, to feel connected.

And in that moment, it hit me that somewhere along the way, she’d stopped. She no longer reached her not-quite-pudgy-anymore fingers out to me, seeking comfort.

I hadn’t even noticed when it stopped. How had I missed it?

I stopped talking that day, and she did too. We just sat there while she twirled my hair, and the feeling that it was all slipping away settled in my throat. It was hard to swallow.

The realization that I’d missed the end of a special connection with my child spilled over from my cheeks to my lap.

“Too fast,” I whispered.

How Do You Bottle These Moments?

My grief over losing these small moments with my young kids hardened into a fierce resolve.

I must find a way to slow it down. Bottle the special moments.

At first, I didn’t think it was possible. I thought letting these special memories slip through your fingers as your kids grow older is just the name of the parenting game.

But now I know better.

With the countdown to my youngest’s birthday drumming in my ears, I’ve been feverishly reading everything I can about how to capture these small moments before they disappear.

Because you definitely can.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

But First, a Warning

Does this sound familiar?

1. You read an article about how to connect with your kids, or stop being an angry mother, or how to discipline your kids in a way they’ll actually learn something.
2. You think to yourself “That’s a great idea! I’ll try that.”
3. Then by the next day or the next week, that great idea has left your head. So you’re trudging along feeling just as disconnected or angry or powerless as before you read the article.

This is normal and expected, but I’m also going to tell you how to avoid that happening again.

Here’s what happens: You come across a great idea you’d like to try, and it’s almost like it’s in one ear and out the other. This is because it takes willpower to remember it and do it. But willpower can be unreliable because it ebbs and flows depending what’s happening and how you feel.

When you have to rely on willpower alone to make something happen, you’re putting that something at a big risk of not happening.

Your brain works best on autopilot because you don’t have to muster up the willpower to do something or remember something. You just go through your normal routine, and it happens.

So how do you get your brain on autopilot? Habits.

Below, I’ll share the most powerful habits that will help you bottle these special moments with your kids so you can slow down and enjoy your time with them.

Related: The Hair Tie Trick That Will Make You Go From Angry Mom to Happy Mom {Printable}

Whoa, Hold Up!

Don’t let the word “habit” scare you.

I’m certainly not saying you need to make these “bottle the moment” habits into a total drag like a daily exercise habit or flossing or going to sleep at a decent hour when you’d rather be binge-watching old Buffy episodes.

Training your brain to pick up a new habit can be as simple as: setting a repeating alarm on your phone to remind you at a certain time of the day, using a visual cue to remind you like a neon-colored sticky note^† or a colorful hair tie on your wrist, or writing a reminder on your bathroom mirror with window markers. (For a complete guide to using the power of habits to set yourself up for happiness, check out my book Happy You, Happy Family.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Bottom line: If you find something that resonates in the list below, just ask yourself, “How can I remind myself to do this every day?”

Get Your Copy: Happy You, Happy Family

16 Creative Ways to Preserve Memories And Make Time Slow Down

Try any one of these creative ways to preserve memories, and you’ll start to quell that panicked feeling that time with your kids is slipping through your fingers. Because you actually will be capturing the sweetest moments with your kids before they disappear. It’s probably impossible to enjoy every moment, but these techniques will help you enjoy the most special moments.

But this list comes with a big disclaimer: Read through the whole list and find just one thing that resonates, and try that. If you try to tackle several things at once, it won’t work, and you’ll just stress yourself out.

With that said, this list will also help you with one more very important thing: Let’s say you’re at Target, and you find yourself reasoning with a tantruming toddler while your infant succumbs to boredom, knocking a whole display of mason jars into your cart.

Some well-meaning stranger may walk by and say, “Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Instead of using every last ounce of willpower you have left to stop yourself from unleashing a 4-letter response, you can just smile and say, “I am.”

Remember: Pick Just One to Try First!

1. Single-task—Do just one thing at a time. So often as parents, we’re multitasking trying to do five things at once, but that makes us miss these small moments with our kids. Put your phone in a drawer, forget the to-do list, and just be with your child in the moment. Because that’s when you’ll soak up the full awesomeness of your kids. If you’re like me and sitting and doing nothing drives you a little batty, focus your brain on noticing. Research shows that actively noticing new things can actually slow down your brain’s perception of time. You might:
   • Notice the adorable crease on your toddler’s pudgy wrist.
   • Notice the way your preschooler sticks her tongue out while she’s focusing on coloring in between the lines.
   • Notice the way your big kid stares off into space, probably daydreaming about homework being outlawed.
2. Ask—Ask your kids interesting questions and record their answers. For this, we use the best family conversation starters. We keep our conversation starter cards in a mason jar then every night after dinner, we ask a question, go around the table giving our answers, and jot them down in a pretty journal. What makes these conversation starters for families different from others is that they’ll get you more than the dreaded one-word answer from your kids. Whenever I feel sad about how fast time is moving, I pick up our journal and flip through a few pages…instant warm fuzzies.

3. Reflect—This pairs perfectly with the previous trick. Fill out a journal once a day with cute stories about your kids, funny things they’ve said, or sweet moments you want to remember. You can use a pretty paper journal designed just for moms, a journal for writing down what your kids say, or a journaling app like Day One. This takes just a few minutes a day to jot down a quick memory, and after a few weeks of doing it, you’ll be so glad you started. If you have a paper journal, leave it on your pillow every morning as a reminder to fill it out before you go to bed.

4. Speak—If you can’t get into writing for a few minutes a day, try using the voice recorder app on your phone to record stories and memories. This habit pairs well with setting a daily alarm on your phone to remind you.
5. Schedule a Day in the Life—Set aside one day a year, a quarter, or a month to focus on capturing all the small, quiet moments on camera. Plan on keeping your camera in your hands most of the day, and take a ton of pictures. You can always delete the stinkers later. For an extra dose of fun, turn the camera over to an older kid and let them capture moments from their perspective. For more tips on how to start this tradition, check out A Day in the Life Project from my friend Tiffany. Stick this day in your family calendar as a reminder.
6. Send a message in a bottle—On your child’s birthday, write her a letter about what she loves to do and what she’s like to be around every day. You can plan to give her all the letters when she turns 18, or you can keep them for yourself. Or if email is more your speed, you can set up an email account for your child and email her a letter every birthday.

7. Picture the future—When you feel frustrated, annoyed, or exasperated with your child (or all of the above), imagine them 10 years older. This is called mental subtraction. It works because it’s a stark reminder of what you’ll one day lose, and it will shift your perspective in that moment so you focus on what’s really important.
8. Shift your budget—To celebrate birthdays and holidays, don’t buy your kid more and more toys he doesn’t need and will get bored with in a few days. Research shows you’re better off spending your money on family vacations instead of toys for your kids. This is because after a week or two, kids get bored with the “new” toy. A vacation can be as simple as one night in a downtown hotel in the nearest city to you. No matter how long you take or where you go, vacations create lifelong family memories for yourself and your child. (But if you want to get super creative, check out my hack for getting free vacations.)
9. Pick a favorite—On the last day of every month, pick a favorite photo (or 10!) from all the photos you’ve taken on your phone or the “good” camera that month. As you review all the photos you took (and probably forgot about), you’ll relive those special moments. This is fun as a just-for-you activity and as a family effort.
10. Show them off—Devote a wall in your home to displaying prints of your favorite family photos. This one goes well with the previous trick, too.
11. Do nothing—Set aside one day a month as a family Do Nothing Day. You’ll be more likely to notice (and enjoy) the most special moments with your kids if you throw away your to-do list for a day once in a while.
12. Capture the smallest moments—Set up your video camera or phone to record an everyday moment, like a family meal, reading a bedtime story, or your kids all building an epic LEGO tower together. I got a cheap tabletop tripod and phone mount for this reason, and I love the videos we’ve captured. (Thanks to my friend Erica for this idea!)

13. Take turns—Take turns with your child writing in a journal to each other. You write in the journal, leave it on your child’s pillow, then she writes back and leaves it on your pillow. You can use any journal or get one specifically designed for this purpose, like this mommy and me journal for daughters or this journal for sons.
14. Spin a yarn—Tell your kids stories about when they were younger. This will help you remember, and they’ll love hearing stories about themselves.
15. Pretend you’re back in school—Make a family yearbook. Pick out a few of your favorite photos from the year and have them printed into a hardcover book from a company like Shutterfly. For something a little less involved, you can have a Chatbook made from your Instagram pictures and captions. Or if that’s too scrapbook-y for your taste, put together a slide show of photos, and show it at the next family event.
16. Go pro—Hire a professional photographer to take pictures of your family once a year. This can be pricey, but the photos you get will have a special place in your heart for the rest of your life. If you can’t spring for a professional photographer, ask a friend to meet you at a nearby park to take pictures of your family together—and you can return the favor for your friend and her family later.

Before You Go: The Important Piece I Missed

When you start a simple habit of capturing the most special moments with your kids, you’ll feel more connected with your kids, and that panicky feeling that it’s all moving too fast will start to fade.

But with that said, my 4-year-old taught me an important lesson I had missed through all my research on creative ways to preserve memories.

After the kids were in bed that night she randomly twirled my hair one more time, I asked my husband, “When did she stop needing me for comfort? Will she never reach for me like that again?”

“She does still need you,” he said. And he gave me a long hug.

But after a few days, she hadn’t reached for my hair again.

Then one night, I dozed off in bed next to my preschooler and my oldest daughter after reading The Penderwicks at bedtime.

“Mommy?” my little one asked.

“Mmm.” It felt so good to rest my eyes.

“Stay right here,” she said. Then she climbed over me, kneeing me in the gut on her way. My eyes popped open, and I watched her leave the room.

I glanced over at my 9-year-old, and she shrugged.

When my 4-year-old came back, she had a comb and a brush in one little hand, and a mess of hair ties in the other hand.

She walked up to me. “Sit up, please.”

I sat up, and she climbed into bed behind me.

Then she went to work. Brushing then combing my hair. Slow, deliberate, sweet.

I closed my eyes.

Then she started giving me ponytails. And even though I lost 25 percent of my hair while she did it, I didn’t complain.

I just smiled a goofy, sappy smile.

When she was done, she picked up my hand and had me feel the random ponytails all over my head.

I turned back and smiled big. “Thank you, sweet girl. I love them.”

She lifted her chin and beamed at me.

And I realized: I can’t let myself be so focused on what used to be that I miss the beauty of what is, in this moment.

That night in my own bed with all 7 messy ponytails still in place, I rewatched that “I a princess” video of my youngest running around the living room—again and again and again.

And you know what? A quick less-than-perfect video did that special moment justice after all.

Your Turn

What are your favorite creative ways to preserve memories of life with your kids? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Make Time Slow Down So You Can Enjoy Your Kids appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

A couple months ago while my husband and I were making dinner, my toddler walked up to me and held one hand up for me to see, fingers spread out.

“Hey, sweetie.” I could see something dark on her fingers, but I wasn’t close enough to see what it was.

I stepped closer. “Oh no.”

“What?” Ty asked.

I turned and ran in the opposite direction towards the closet where we keep the diapers.

And in my rush, I missed seeing something in my path. My feet got tangled up, and I hit the floor, just barely catching myself with my hands.

I looked back to see what tripped me up. My preschooler’s shoes, left right in the middle of the hallway.

“Bailey!” I yelled.

I stood up and grabbed a diaper, then scooped up my toddler like a sack of potatoes and headed towards the living room floor.

“Bailey!” Louder this time. She must have been upstairs in the kids’ playroom.

As I bent down to start the diaper change, my knee throbbed from the fall. “Bailey!” Even louder.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins because of the poop-mergency. Because of the fall. Because I was being ignored.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child that will make them feel loved.

And Then She Peeked Around the Corner

“What, Mommy?” Innocence on her little face, not malice. But I missed it because I was hopped up on stress hormones.

“You can’t leave your shoes in the hallway like that! I tripped and fell because you didn’t put your shoes away.”

Her chin dropped to her chest. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do that again.” I flinched at my sharp words.

She turned and walked away, head still hanging.

After I finished up the diaper change and sent the toddler on her way, I sat there and couldn’t hold it back.

The shame spilled over onto my cheeks and then my lap.

What’s wrong with me?

Here’s the Disconnect

My personal goal is to talk to my kids with the same level of respect and kindness that I use to talk to my husband. The good news is that for the most part, I do talk to my oldest and my youngest that way.

But my poor middle child.

Something about the preschooler-ness of my preschooler was turning me into an angry mother every time I opened my mouth to talk to her.

I needed help.

Hair Ties to the Rescue for Every Angry Mother

How many times have you set a goal – to exercise more, or to eat healthier, or to stop watching Friends re-runs on Netflix so you can get to bed at a decent hour – only to revert back to the status quo after a few days or a couple weeks?

This is where habits will save you. They work because they put your brain on autopilot so you don’t even have to muster up the willpower to do something. You just go through your normal routine, and it happens.

Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, and guzzling that first cup of coffee in the morning are all examples of things you might do on autopilot.

Unfortunately for me, I’d developed a bad habit of talking sharply to my preschooler. My brain was on autopilot headed in the wrong direction towards being an angry mother.

I flipped open my book Happy You, Happy Family to the chapter titled “Break the Bad Habits” and re-read it.

And I realized the solution to breaking my bad habit: hair ties.

Let Me Explain

Visual cues are a powerful science-backed tool that will remind you to avoid a bad habit when you’re most likely to slip back into it.

For example, if you were trying to eat healthier, you could leave a bright Post-It Note on the fridge to remind yourself that “Snack = veggies only.” Or if you were trying to start a morning exercise habit, you could set your workout clothes on your nightstand the night before.

I decided my visual cue would be 5 hair ties.

Why? Because a few years ago, I’d read a blog post about using rubber bands as a visual parenting cue.

This isn’t a new idea. But I added my own research-backed spin to pack an even bigger punch to knock down that angry mother habit once and for all.

Get Your Copy + Bonus Workbook: Happy You, Happy Family

How to Stop Being an Angry Mother With 5 Hair Ties

If you’ve been snapping at your kid more than you feel comfortable with, follow these steps:

1. Find 5 hair ties that will be comfortable to wear around your wrist. We bought this pack of 100^† as a stocking stuffer for the girls last year, and by some miracle, we still have a few left, and they’re super comfortable on the wrist. But you could use anything that’s comfortable and easy to get on and off – thin bangle bracelets like this or just plain old rubber bands.
2. When your kids wake up in the morning, put the hair ties around one of your wrists. It’s important to wait until they wake up because visual cues won’t work very well if they blend into the background and you stop noticing them – kind of like wallpaper. In other words, once you get used to seeing the cue in your environment, the cue is no longer effective. To prevent that, you’ll:
   • Put the hair ties on when your kids wake up.
   • Take them off when you’ll be away from your kids, like if you leave the house for work or an appointment or if the kids go down for a nap or leave for school.
   • When you’re with the kids again, put your hair ties back on.
3. If you catch yourself snapping at your kiddo, move one hair tie to the other wrist. But your goal is actually to make it to the end of the day with all 5 hair ties on the original wrist. So what do you do if you slip up…?
4. You can “earn back” one hair tie by doing 5 simple things to reconnect with your kid. Research shows that to have a healthy relationship, for every one negative interaction you need 5 positive interactions to balance that out. It’s called the Magic 5:1 Ratio, and here’s a list of a few ideas for how to get those 5 positive interactions on the books as fast as possible, from a hug to a dance party and everything in between.
   • Pro tip: Grab a set of our Family Connection Cards and use those to help you reconnect with your child. The Family Connection Cards are based on the science of what actually works when you need to connect with your child, so you’ll both end up feeling loved and connected, plus you’ll stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

What if you have more than one child you’re struggling to keep your temper with? Because the goal is to earn back a hair tie as soon as possible after you slip up, you can use one set of 5 hair ties for the whole day. In other words, you don’t need a separate set of 5 hair bands for each kid.

After you have a negative interaction with one of your kids, try to get 5 positive interactions with that child as soon as possible to reset that hair band to the original wrist.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

But Does This Really Work?

I was skeptical because…hair ties? Really?

But I needed to try something different, and a few hair ties on my wrist certainly wasn’t going to hurt anyone.

As it turned out, the visual cue of the hair ties coupled with the gentle pressure on my wrist was a magical combination.

The first morning I wore them at home with my preschooler and toddler, I didn’t snap once. All I’d needed was a little nudge to jolt myself out of that angry mother habit.

Later I did snap, but I was highly motivated to move that hair tie back to the other wrist, so we repaired the damage quickly.

The only negative that came out of it was that later that day, Bailey noticed the hair ties.

She pointed to my wrist. “Take those off, Mommy.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re for your hair, not your arm.”

“Well, I need to wear these. It’s like Wonder Woman and her bracelets. These hair ties give me superpowers and make me a Super Mommy and help me stay happy.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Are you telling the truth?”

I nodded. “I’m telling the truth.”

She was quiet for a few seconds, staring at my wrist. Then: “Can you fly too?”

Related: 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child {Printable}

What About the Wallpaper Effect?

I thought all this was a fluke. That it would wear off over time, and I’d revert to being an angry mother with my middle kid.

Months later, the hair tie hack is still working wonders. I talk to my preschooler with love and kindness in my voice instead of annoyance and frustration.

We even had an unfortunate incident with a black Sharpie, the carpet, and every stuffed animal in the house. But I didn’t raise my voice. I didn’t use unkind words. I calmly approached my preschooler and asked her what she was working on while gently slipping the marker out of her hands.

She explained that she was marking the animals so everyone would know they belong to her. Made no sense to me, but I guess ranchers do it to cattle, so why not preschoolers to stuffed animals? (The carpet was just collateral damage.)

I kept my tone in check and explained that markers are for paper only. That the marker would never wash off. Not even from her lovey, Wilbur the pig.

She’s used to washable markers washing right off, so hearing that last bit crumpled her little face, making me extra glad I hadn’t raised my voice to add insult to injury.

But Here’s What I Didn’t Expect

Lately, I’ve been flying hair-tie-free here and there to see if my new habit will stick to keep that angry mom voice at bay.

And it has. But that’s not the surprising part.

Ever since I started wearing the hair ties when I’m around my preschooler, her behavior has been night and day different:

• She doesn’t take toys from her little sister as much as she used to.
• She doesn’t blow up over small hiccups in the day.
• And she’s more compliant with my requests, like a reminder to take a potty break, or asking for her to pick up her toys, or suggesting she pretend she’s an archeologist and I’m the dinosaur bones she’s digging for so I can just lay on the couch and close my eyes.

Because I speak to her with more respect, she speaks to me with more respect.

Because every little thing isn’t a crisis for me to freak out about, she can look for solutions instead of feeling shame about the problem.

Because she feels more loved, she’s capable of giving more love.

Related: The 3-Letter Word That Will Overhaul the Way You Discipline Your Child

Before You Go, A Cautionary Tale

The night of the Sharpie incident, my husband Ty had a conference call so I flew solo on the bedtime routine. I got all the girls tucked in, then went straight to making a tea.

While the water boiled, I took my hair ties off.

Approximately 2.7 seconds later, a blonde head appeared next to me.

I sighed. “It’s time for bed, Bailey.”

I took her by the hand and led her back upstairs to bed.

This played out 11 more times in the span of an hour. And even though my hair ties were off, I didn’t lose my temper, and I didn’t speak sharply.

But my frustration must have been clear from my tone punctuated with sighs and the bone-tiredness of my body language.

Ty finished his call and came into the living room to find me staring at the wall, waiting for the next round.

“Bailey’s still awake,” I said.

“Still?” He glanced at the clock.

“She may be waiting for a hug and kiss from Daddy before she can settle down. Or maybe she’s stressed about Wilbur’s marker stains.”

He headed upstairs, and after a few minutes, he came back down the stairs chuckling to himself.

“What?” I asked.

“I went to tuck her in, and the first thing she said was, ‘Daddy, can you tell Mommy to put her hair ties on?'”

I laughed. “What did you say?”

“I told her, ‘I think if you just went to sleep, Mommy would be fine.'”

“Oh, but that would be too easy.” I shook my head. “I should probably go smooth things over, huh?”

He smiled. “It wouldn’t hurt.”

So I trudged up the stairs for the last time of the night, hopefully.

I opened the door to her room and stepped on something squishy. I bent over to pick it up. Wilbur the pig.

She’s had this pig since she was a baby, she insists Wilbur is a girl just like her, and it goes with her everywhere. Many a freakout have happened when Wilbur couldn’t be located in time for bedtime, or leaving for the airport, or before sitting down to watch Charlotte’s Web again.

“Hey sweetie,” I said, walking towards the bed. “Why is Wilbur on the floor?”

“Because she’s ruined now. She has markers all over her.” It was dark, but I could hear the grief in her voice.

“Oh,” I said, bending down next to the bed.

As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I brought Wilbur up to my face. “You know what, Bailey?”

“What?”

“These are some really cool tattoos you gave Wilbur.”

“Tattoos?”

“Oh yeah. I don’t know any other pigs with tattoos like this. It makes her absolutely one-of-a-kind.”

She held out her arms, and I tucked Wilbur in under her chin.

Then we were quiet for a few seconds while I played with her hair.

I was about to stand up, but then: “Mommy?”

“What, honey?”

“Do you have your hair ties on?”

I smiled. “No, I don’t.”

“You’re a Super Mommy anyway without them.”

A sudden lump in my throat made it impossible to speak, so I just hugged her for a while.

As it turns out, that 14th trip up the stairs was the charm for Bailey…and for me.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

After a negative interaction, you feel the distance between you and your child, but it’s not always easy to know how to close the gap with your child so you both feel loved and connected. Use this cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child so you can reconnect with your child after those tough moments and “earn” back a hair tie.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
4. Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

How to Catch Yourself Before You Lose Your Cool

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.

Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

What helps you get back on track when you’re feeling like an angry mother? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Right Now—Using 5 Hair Ties appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Dear kids,

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older, or you remember to brush your teeth without me nagging you.

A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing, and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I’ve slept through the magic of your growing.

I wonder: Have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed? Is your heart still whole? Is your spirit unbroken?

A confession for you.

I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Every day, I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive.
Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug.
Sometimes I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude.

Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}

This is when I’m failing as a parent.

I miss it when I’m tired, and you get my leftovers at the end of a long day. I wish that you didn’t, but sometimes you do.

I miss it when I’m scared. I’m scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

I miss it when I’m lost. I’m struggling with my own demons, and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those same obstacles, I can help you get back to whole.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child that will make them feel loved.

But here’s what I need you to know.

It’s easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight.

When I look at you, I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you, I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure. Your heart is pure and soft. You are gentle and kind; you are vivacious and fierce.

I am forever your biggest cheerleader and your greatest fan.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities, and we will figure it out together.

I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters most to me.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

This is what I hope for you.

I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it.

I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right, and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake-makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

Love,

Your mama

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

Use this cheat sheet of positive things to say to your child to help you remember to show your unconditional love for your child – even when life is busy.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
4. Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Your Turn

Can you relate to feeling like you’re failing as a parent? Share in a comment below.

The post Dear Kids, On the Days I Fail… appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Since our third little one joined the family last year, we’ve experienced a new phenomenon.

When we’re out and about together as a family, we’ll cross paths with a stranger, and that stranger will say: “You sure have your hands full!” Or some variation of the same sentiment, from “You know what causes that, right?” to “Are they all yours?”

I’m not offended. I know most people are just trying to make small talk or be funny.

But now that I’m on the receiving end of those comments, I’m never sure what to say back.

Because the implication is: “Wow, lady, you have more kids than you can handle!”

But Here’s the Truth

I feel blessed to share my life with these little people, so it doesn’t feel right to just let the stranger’s comment sit there.

It’s not that I care what strangers think. Case in point? The fact that I regularly leave the house with dirty hair pulled into a messy ponytail, I let my toddler and preschooler pick out their own (mismatched) clothes, and I have no qualms about busting out a round of “If You’re Happy And You Know It” if it staves off a temper tantrum.

I’ll never see that person again, so I don’t care what they think. But my kids are right there with me to hear the comments, too.

And they’re no dummies. They pick up on the tone, not to mention when the words come with actual laughter.

Related: The Only Thing You Need to Survive the “Terrible Twos” – With Your Sanity Intact {Printable}

And Then This Happened

Last week, we were in a clothing store with our 8-year-old, 3-year-old, and 1-year-old – who, by the way, will accept nothing less than being put down on the ground to explore at her leisure. Trying to keep hold of her when she wants to get down is like trying to hold onto a wet dog mid-shampoo who just spied a squirrel 10 feet away.

When you try to contain her, she screams so loudly and so shrilly at the injustice of being restrained that your brain actually recedes into itself, and even four Advil isn’t enough to make the ringing stop.

But it’s all good because we’ve developed a system for making sure the toddler can explore without wreaking havoc.

We always make sure one adult (or super mature 8-year-old big sister) is free to follow behind her and redirect her before she topples a display of wine bottles, mason jars, or one-of-a-kind coffee mugs imported from Peru and individually hand-lettered by female entrepreneurs struggling to support their families. (By the way, stores – can you please stop putting this stuff on the lowest shelves?)

If I need to peel off from the toddler entourage to grab a tube of toothpaste, I’ll say, “Who’s got Charlie?”

And my oldest or my husband will answer, “I’m on Charlie duty!”

Maybe it’s silly, but it works for us. Our toddler gets to explore the world, and our eardrums don’t explode.

Related: A Simple Trick to Run Errands With No Whining From Your Kids

When You Think You’re Doing Pretty Alright But Others Disagree

Taking the girls shopping for clothes is a bit of a relief compared to our normal family outings, on account of there being no wine bottles or coffee mugs involved.

And so last week, we ping-ponged around the store, taking turns following the toddler while rummaging through sale racks for cute Fall clothes.

The nice saleslady took us to a fitting room, and we all piled in: me, my husband, the 8-year-old, the preschooler, and the high-octane toddler.

We kept the toddler happy by letting her rummage through the diaper bag – with just one narrow miss when she uncovered a dirty diaper from the morning we’d forgotten to throw away.

After the girls tried everything on, we headed towards the checkout area, and the same saleslady who helped us into the fitting room rang up our clothes.

The toddler didn’t last long and zoomed off to explore, so I turned to my oldest daughter and opened my mouth, but she beat me to the punch.

“I’m on Charlie duty!” And she was off to trail her little sister.

The saleslady laughed, then looked from my toddler and my oldest to where I was standing next to my husband and my 3-year-old. “Oh! Are you all the same family?”

I cocked my head. She’d helped us into the fitting room. All of us. “Yes,” I said. My toddler and my oldest zipped by behind me, heading to the other side of the store.

She laughed again. “How many kids do you have?”

“Three…,” I said, glancing to the side at my husband. Ever so slightly, he shook his head.

No offense to this saleswoman. I’m sure she was just trying to make small talk. I’m the world’s worst small talker, so I’ve certainly said some things that came out not quite right.

Here’s the Problem

As we were leaving the store, my oldest sidled up next to me. “Why did that lady ask how many kids you have?”

I kept my tone light. “Oh, she was just curious. Just making conversation.”

“But why did she ask it like that?” And then quieter: “Is three too many kids?”

I put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to me. “No, no. Of course not. Three is perfect for our family.”

Related: Dear Stranger, If You Think My Hands Are Full, You Should Know This…

5 Perfectly Kind Replies to “You Have Your Hands Full”

Ever since we became a family of three, my husband and I have been brainstorming responses to these comments from well-meaning strangers.

Not sarcastic or snarky replies to make the other person feel bad, but positive responses to make it clear to our girls how important they are to us. That they are not a burden or a joke.

When you get comments like “You’ve got your hands full!” try one of these responses.

1. Keeps me out of trouble!

I know that one day, my nest will be empty, and I’ll look back on this season of parenting and miss having my hands full.

2. Yep, in the best way possible.

Alternative: “Full of love!”

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

3. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Let your kids hear how grateful you are to have them in your life.

4. I know! We couldn’t be happier.

Parenting has its tough moments, but on the whole it’s pretty darn awesome.

5. Oh, we’re just getting started.

This one’s best delivered with a wink.

And if your toddler is like mine when she’s out in public (i.e. greatly resembling a tornado), here’s one more bonus response to “You sure have your hands full!”:

Ha! I guess I do. Want to help?

Because those precarious displays of wine bottles and mason jars need all the help they can get.

Your Turn

What’s your best response to “You have your hands full”? Share in a comment below!

Feature photo by Donnie Ray Jones.

The post The 5 Best Comebacks to “You Have Your Hands Full” appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

If I had a whole day free to do whatever I wanted with no work commitments or kid wrangling and money was no object, I know exactly what I’d pick.

Sleep. Just sleep.

Here’s why:

• My eldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was four, when the anti-sticker chart saved us
• At the age of one, my middle child went a whole month without sleeping a full night
• I night-weaned her after the Month of No Sleep, but then the only way she’d fall asleep and stay asleep was with me lying next to her so she could wrap her little fingers up in my hair

Translation? Chronic sleep deprivation of the parental variety.

Then last year, we reached a turning point. Finally, finally both big kids were sleeping through the night.

The turning point happened to come while I was eight months pregnant, which meant I didn’t have to haul my hugely pregnant body out of bed in the middle of the night to put a toddler back to sleep. Goodbye, sleep-deprived mom!

Here Comes Baby Number Three

When my third little one was born last summer, she surprised the heck out of us by sleeping through the night at six weeks old.

I’d heard of this happening from fellow parents, but honestly, I thought they were stretching the truth a bit. I didn’t actually believe babies were capable of sleeping through the night.

From the newborn stage to four months old, baby Charlie slept through the night about 90 percent of the time.

And then.

The four-month sleep regression.

She. Just. Wouldn’t. Freaking. Sleep.

We did all the “right” things—playing white noise, sticking to a schedule so she didn’t get over-tired, putting her down drowsy but awake.

Stuff that all worked when she was a couple months old. But now? Nope.

Related: This Simple Chart Will Make Your Kid Sleep Through the Night

We Tried Everything

Putting her down “drowsy but awake” pissed her off majorly, signing us up for an extra 45 minutes or more to get her settled back down again.

Then she’d wake up all through the night, requiring Herculean effort from us to get her back to sleep. Even trading off between my husband and me wasn’t enough to cope.

I paced the house with her at one in the morning. Two. Three. Sometimes all in a row in the same night.

I stumbled over my own feet. When my toddler woke up in the morning, I’d lie on the couch and tell her to pretend she’s a doctor and I’m a very, very sick patient. My husband started a steady IV drip of coffee to get through every workday.

We turned into zombies.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things

I Became a Desperately Sleep-Deprived Mom

It wasn’t selfish of us to want more sleep. Lack of sleep will lower your IQ, make it harder to be happy, and even increase your risk of an early death.

DEATH.

Zombies, indeed.

But I’d read the baby sleep books. I’d tried everything. If I couldn’t get my kids to sleep all night, could I hack my own sleep habits for more rest?

And so I read countless blog posts. Skimmed book after book. Messaged friends on Facebook to ask about their sleep routines.

I ate, breathed, and slept sleep.

Related: 7 Things to Do When You’re Stuck Under a Sleeping Baby

How to Get Better Sleep: 20 Science-Backed Hacks for Tired Parents

In this post, I compiled all the best science-backed sleep tips from my research. But unlike a lot of posts on kid-induced sleep deprivation, these sleep hacks are for you and your own sleep because that is completely within your control, even if your kid won’t cooperate. In other words, put your oxygen mask on first, my fellow tired parent.

You won’t find suggestions like “get more exercise” or “replace your mattress” on this list. All these suggestions for how to get better sleep are relatively easy and doable because I know what it’s like to be a sleep-deprived mom. Try a few of these to get out of sleep crisis mode, then you can entertain the idea of tackling big-ticket sleep fixes.

Naps

If you aren’t already napping as a way to catch up on sleep, you should be. Even five minutes can help. And who doesn’t have five minutes? The brain boost that you get from a nap even outperforms the effects of caffeine.

1. Prep Your Kids—If you’re home during the day, you can grab a power nap while your kid naps or even set an older kid up to play independently while you catch some zzz’s.
2. Nap at Work—If you work outside the home, nap in your car during your lunch break or in between meetings. A short nap can make you more productive and alert, so don’t feel bad about taking a quick break. And hey, it’s a lot healthier than taking a smoke break or hitting up the vending machines. This is why pilots, air traffic controllers, and nurses grab power naps while on the job. Before I left my corporate career, a nap in my car during lunch is what saved me many days.
3. Go Short or Long—The optimal length of time for a nap depends on what effect you’re going for: 25 minutes or less is best for a quick boost in energy and focus. But if you nap somewhere between 30 minutes and 85 minutes, you’ll likely wake up pretty groggy. For a deeper sleep, set your alarm for 90 minutes because that’s a full sleep cycle.
4. Try a Coffee Nap—If you want to try a power nap but you’re worried you’ll sleep through an alarm, I have an easy fix for you. Drink coffee right before you lay down. The caffeine will take about 20 minutes to kick in, so you’ll wake up feeling refreshed with an extra jolt from the caffeine. Read more about this sleep hack to make sure you get the maximum effect.
5. Find 20 Minutes—You can go super hardcore and train your body to get as little as two hours of sleep and still feel as well-rested as you do after eight hours. It’s called polyphasic sleep, and you’ll need to read The 4-Hour Body^† to get the details on how to make it happen. But the simplest and most realistic approach is adding one 20-minute nap during the day, which means you need just six hours of sleep at night.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Your Bedtime Routine

1. Eliminate the Blue—During the hour before your bedtime, put your smartphone away. No television, tablet, or computer time, either. The blue light emitted by those devices confuses your body. This is because your brain interprets the blue light as sunshine and tells your body to wake up. If you need to work on your computer up until bedtime, try f.lux. At night, this free software changes the lighting of your computer screen to look like indoor lighting instead of the sun. (Available for Mac OS, Windows, and Linux.) For iOS devices, a recent Apple update included a Night Shift mode to switch the blue light to a warmer orange hue. (p.s. Do you know what emits absolutely zero blue light? A book. So consider reading in bed until you get sleepy.)
2. Hide the Standbys—Now it’s time for a light hunt. After the sun goes down, take some black electrical tape and cover up all the little standby lights in your bedroom—from the cable box to the air purifier. Or if you’d prefer, get a sleeping mask like this one recommended by the author of The 4-Hour Body or try this highly rated mask on Amazon. If you can’t live without a night-light, make sure it’s a red one.
3. Hit the Sweet Spot—Try changing the room temperature to between 67 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit. According to The 4-Hour Body, feeling too warm can disrupt your sleep. What to do if your partner likes it warmer than you do? Stick a foot out of your covers like this.
4. Fix Cold Feet—But if you tend to get cold easily, consider wearing socks to bed. Cold feet can disrupt your nighttime sleep.
5. Be Consistent—It pains me to include this tip because I’m a rule-breaking sort of person, but it really does help to have a consistent bedtime. When your body can count on a consistent bedtime, it’ll help you out by producing sleep hormones at the right time. But if you stay up late, your body will actually pump stress hormones through your body. Newsflash: Stress hormones don’t make you sleepy.
6. Drink Less—You’ve probably learned the hard way not to drink coffee too late in the day. Likewise, don’t drink alcohol in the hour or two before your bedtime. Buzzkill, I know. But the booze will keep you from getting a restorative deep sleep. In fact, The 4-Hour Body says that more than two glasses of wine within four hours of sleep cuts your deep sleep by 20 to 50 percent.
7. Treat Yourself—You’ll do better removing caffeine and alcohol from your night-time routine if you can replace it with something new, like this Soothing Caramel Bedtime Tea. You can find lots of night-time teas at the store, but this is the best one I’ve tried.
8. Drown out Sound—White noise. Get some. With some gentle background noise, your sleep won’t be disturbed when the cat knocks over the LEGO tower your kid left in the middle of the living room. You can find two sleep apps listed in this post, or try my favorite White Noise app called…White Noise. If you don’t like the popular brown noise or the research-proven pink noise, you may like the sounds of a rainstorm. Or a cat purring. Or a Tibetan singing bowl. Plus, you can get more sounds for free from the White Noise Market. Get the app, stick your phone in a sound dock, and get ready to zonk out.
9. Set Your Alarm Right—When you set your alarm, keep in mind that 90 minutes is the length of a full sleep cycle and set your alarm in increments of 90 minutes. 7 hours? No good. But 7.5 hours is perfect. Check out the details on this sleep hack here, plus an app that will help you get it right every night.
10. Try a Snack—If you tend to wake up feeling tired even after a full night’s sleep, low blood sugar might be to blame. The 4-Hour Body recommends eating two tablespoons of almond butter on celery sticks before you hit the sack. A couple other options recommended by that author: a mandarin orange and a handful of almonds, or plain low-fat (but not fat-free) yogurt plus an apple.

Trouble Falling Asleep

1. Empty Your Head—If you get all ready for bed and can’t fall asleep because your mind won’t stop, keep a notepad and pen by your bed and write down whatever’s on your mind. Pretend you’re Dumbledore siphoning off your memories in the Pensieve.
2. Breathe With the Light—Try the Dodow light. You put this small, soft light in your bedroom, then synchronize your breathing with the pulsating light. You fall asleep faster, and it shuts off automatically after a short time. This doesn’t work for everyone (it worked for a friend of mine, but not for my sleep-challenged husband!), so make sure to purchase from a retailer with a good return policy so that if it doesn’t work out for you, you can take it back.
3. Get Up—If you end up in bed for 10 minutes and still can’t sleep, it’s better to get up and do something for a bit, then try again. The key is to do something that won’t wake you up. For example, don’t break out your P90X DVDs, and definitely don’t watch TV. (See earlier point about screen time before bed.)

Waking Up

1. Don’t Snooze—Skip the snooze button. It’ll just make you feel more drowsy.
2. Watch the Sunrise—First thing when you wake up in the morning, open your curtains for a big dose of sunshine. This will clue your body into the fact that it’s time to wake up and cut down on grogginess. Or if you wake up before the sun’s out, try a SmartSleep light. According to The 4-Hour Body, getting the right kind of light first thing upon waking will actually help you fall asleep faster at night.

Your Turn

How do you get better sleep as a sleep-deprived mom? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post How to Get Better Sleep As a Sleep-Deprived Mom (Yes, Really) appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

The whole house shook under an epic tantrum while I vacuumed the house one Sunday night. But it wasn’t from my toddler. Not my one-year-old either.

The tantrum came from me.

I’m not even sure what set me off. It could have been that while I was vacuuming the living room rug, the kids were pulling all the toys back out of their bins – the toys I’d just put away – and spreading them all over the living room. It could have been that I glanced back to see where my infant was, only to find her chewing on the power cord. It could have been my chocolate intake that day was dangerously low.

Maybe all of the above.

“Bailey! I just put those away!”

“I’m so sick of having junk everywhere!”

“This toy belongs in the playroom only. It’s not safe for your little sister. If I see it in the living room one more time, it’s going in the trash!”

Not my finest parenting moment.

Especially because I wrote a book about how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. So I should know better, right?

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you be a happier parent, backed by science.

But Here’s the Truth

If your goal is to be a happy mother 100 percent of the time, your goal is unrealistic. Nobody is happy 100 percent of the time.

Even after you try the happiness hacks in this post, you need to understand that there will come a time when you slip up. You’ll be running late when you realize someone moved your car keys and they’re nowhere to be found. Or maybe you’ll snap at your kids. Or you might throw a full-on temper tantrum while vacuuming.

You are not a failure.

No matter how many healthy habits and systems you put in place, you will encounter small frustrations and annoyances every day. But you don’t want to go on a rampage just because you stepped on a LEGO your kid forgot to pick up. Letting the little stuff go feels exponentially better than knowing you could blow a gasket any moment.

Not to mention that when you lose it, the collective mood of your whole family suffers. Research shows the bad mood of one person can bring down the mood of everyone else in the family.

Two Important Things Happy Moms Don’t Do

Before we get to the list of positive steps you can take toward your quest of how to be a happy mom, we need to get on the same page with two important issues:

• Don’t try to simply deny that you feel frustrated or annoyed. Bottling up negative feelings just makes those feelings worse.
• On the other hand, venting isn’t always helpful either. Complaining keeps you focused on the problem instead of a solution, plus it’s bad for your brain and your health.

Don’t bottle it up, but don’t vent it either. Um…so what can you do?

Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}

How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 Fast Fixes to Try

Above all, remember that even the happiest moms have unhappy moments. When you’re feeling a little off or even if you’re teetering on the brink of losing your temper, try these science-backed tricks to get back on track. I even made a handy printable, which you can get below to hang on your fridge and help you remember how to be a happier mom.

Some days you might need one of these quick solutions, and other days you might need a handful to find your happy again.

On the day I lost it while vacuuming? The magic formula for me was number 1, number 2, and number 7. Not only did I resist the urge to throw my kids’ toys in the trash, but afterward we laughed if off and invented a new supervillain: The Terrible Tantruming Vacuumer. The kids thought it was fun to poke fun at Mom by pretending to tantrum while vacuuming, but I got the last laugh – sitting on the couch while they giggled and vacuumed.

Get the Free Cheat Sheet: 7 Quick Fixes to Help You Be a Happier Mom

1. Label Your Feeling

Use a word or two to describe how you’re feeling, starting with “I’m feeling…” For example: “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I’m feeling annoyed.”

Here’s why this works: When you’re stressed, your brain – or more specifically, the amygdala of your brain – becomes hyper-vigilant. Your brain interprets even the smallest of everyday annoyances as a threat against your survival. That’s the amygdala (uh-mig-duh-luh) at work. But labeling your emotions in just a few words tells the amygdala to settle down.

One important caveat: The phrasing “I’m feeling angry” is important compared to just “I’m angry.” The extra word “feeling” helps you separate the emotion you’re experiencing from your sense of self. It’s a lot easier to overcome anger when you label it as something you’re feeling instead of something you are. You are not the hot-headed Anger dude from the movie Inside Out. You’re just feeling angry feelings.

2. Do Three Rounds of 3-1-6

To catch your body from unleashing a full-fledged fight-or-flight response, do this:

1. Breathe in for three seconds. Count out “one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand” in your head to make sure you don’t rush it.
2. Hold the breath for one second.
3. Exhale for six seconds.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 three times.

As you exhale, you may notice that you feel calmer. This is because this breathing technique^† stops your body’s stress response and lowers your heart rate.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

3. Say, “It’s Not About Me”

Let’s say you discovered your kid took money from your wallet and lied to you about it. Reframe the situation by saying, “It’s not about me. She must be having a bad day.”

To be clear, the point of this trick is not to excuse inappropriate behavior from your kid. The goal is to keep your temper in check so you can deal with the situation in a productive way.

Because when you react like a sleep-deprived drill sergeant, you risk introducing fear and stress into the situation. When fear and stress are involved, your child’s brain is flat-out incapable of learning anything from the situation. And my guess is that you’d rather your kid learn an important lesson than cower in fear.

4. Hug It Out

Remember this from number 1? When you experience a negative emotion, the amygdala of your brain comes to life like an over-reactive car alarm. Then your brain shuts down to logic and interprets every little thing as a threat.

To find happiness as a parent, you need your amygdala to chill out. One reliable way to do that is to hug a loved one. Because when you hug the right way, you get the happy chemicals oxytocin and serotonin flowing. Those are the chemicals that boost your mood and promote bonding. In particular, oxytocin reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.

But here’s the important part: You need to hold a hug for at least six seconds in order to get this benefit.

Related: Why You’re Hugging All Wrong – And How to Fix It

5. Shake It Up

You’ve probably already heard that exercise boosts your endorphins, which is a chemical that helps you fight stress. Exercise also prompts your body to release a special protein called BDNF, which stands for Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor. This protein is like a reset switch for your brain, so you typically feel at ease and happier after exercising. And after an angry outburst, physical activity helps flush the adrenaline from your system.

You’re a busy parent, so I’m not suggesting you go for an hour-long run every time your mood dips. But I have found one way to increase my daily physical activity that’s actually fun for me and my kids.

A family dance party.

Research shows that music cuts your stress, for example by reducing levels of the stress hormone cortisol. What’s more, babies and toddlers get a big dose of happy when moving their bodies to a rhythmic beat. Next time you and/or your kids feel a case of the crankies coming on, fire up your favorite playlist and dance away the bad mojo.

Related: 12 Happy Songs: Dance Music for Kids and Parents, Too!

6. Hack Your Sleep

If you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re missing out on a big win when it comes to how to be a happy mom.

Unless you happen to be part of the tiny, tiny percent of people who can thrive on less than seven hours of sleep a night, research has shown time and time again that lack of sleep will stand in the way of your daily happiness.

If you aren’t already napping as a way to catch up on sleep, you should be. But, but, but…, I can hear you thinking.

I’m too busy. I can’t fall asleep during the day. I have a day job. Whatever your excuse, forget about it for now. Just try a nap. If it doesn’t work out for you after you give it an honest chance, then so be it.

The optimal length of time for a nap depends on what effect you’re going for:

• For a quick boost in energy and focus, 25 minutes or less is best.
• If you nap somewhere between 30 minutes and 85 minutes, you’ll likely wake up pretty groggy.
• For a deeper sleep, set your alarm for 90 minutes because that’s a full sleep cycle.

7. Challenge Yourself to 5 Good Acts

Science shows that in happy relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. If you’re feeling like your quest to be a happy mom is in danger, make sure to get five positive interactions on the books as fast as possible.

What counts as a positive interaction? This could be as simple as giving your child or your partner a hug, saying “I love you,” or telling a joke. Print my go-to list of 30 simple ways to hit the magic 5:1 ratio with your child.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re in the thick of a mom funk, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take in order to get back to being a happy mom. Use this cheat sheet to help you in those tough moments.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

How to Find Happiness in the Chaos of Parenting

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family.

Click here to get a free excerpt and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

What’s your best trick for how to be a happy mom? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

It’s the question you hear every Monday morning: “How was your weekend?”

You rack your brain for something interesting to say, but all you can think of is spending your Friday night paying bills online, a grocery store trip on Saturday afternoon with your hangry kids, and a mountain of laundry you barely made a dent in.

Or maybe your weekend was a blur of softball games, swim meets, and birthday parties, leaving the dirty laundry to multiply like Gremlins who got popcorn after midnight.

Here’s the Problem With Your Weekend

Our weekends are full. Too full.

We fill our weekends with everything that was impossible to get to during the week—in between getting the kids to school early every day, nightly homework battles, making dinner, and executing a convoluted bedtime routine that leaves you feeling ready to collapse into bed at 8:30 pm. And so we leave the errands, the chores, the bill-paying for the weekend.

But by Monday morning, we feel like we need a weekend from our weekend.

We’ve forgotten what weekends should be. Because the truth is that:

• Your brain is not designed to run at high speeds being super productive for long stretches of time.
• All the tasks and decisions you make throughout the day wear on your brain.
• You must give your brain a chance to recuperate so you don’t get burned out.

Parents need recess, too.

I’ve Got a Solution for You

Try this next weekend. Have a Do Nothing Day.

Take your to-do list, take all the errands you need to run, take the chores, all the things you “should” do…and forget them.

Just throw the whole list away for one day. The laundry will wait, I promise.

Instead, you could sit on the floor and play LEGOs with your kids. Or take a long, hot bath. Read a trashy magazine about how much George Clooney’s fictional divorce is costing. Do whatever sounds fun, in that moment.

And if you end up in your pajamas all day, going all KonMari on your closets^†? That’s totally fine.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

But Here’s the Mistake You Need to Avoid

I first shared the idea of a Do Nothing Day on my Facebook page a few years ago. At the time, a Google search of “Do Nothing Day” turned up very few results. Since then, the idea has picked up steam.

Which is a beautiful thing because “busy” has become a sickness these days.

But here’s the problem with most articles you’ll find about how to have a Do Nothing Day: Literally doing nothing on your Do Nothing Day is not the goal.

3 Surprising Steps for a Successful Do Nothing Day

Humans are happiest when we’re doing something. This means that sitting on the couch all day binge-watching New Girl won’t add to your happiness. The research shows that watching TV, playing video games, or browsing the Internet don’t help your brain recuperate from the stresses of your daily life.

Follow these steps for a successful Do Nothing Day that actually will give your brain the break it needs:

1. Think of one or two fun things you might do on your Do Nothing Day. Warning: Don’t make a to-do list! Just brainstorm a handful of things that sound fun to you—ask your partner and/or your kids, too, if they’ll be joining you. But no TV, video games, or mindless surfing allowed. A few ideas for you:
   • Play a board game with your family—here’s our epic list of the best family board games for all ages
   • Get outside and do something physical—a walk, a bike ride, or a quick game of basketball
   • Read a book or a magazine you’ve been meaning to get to
   • Do a crossword puzzle
   • Grab a stack of awesome picture books or a fantastic chapter book, and have a mini read-aloud marathon with your kids
   • Bake something yummy
   • Bust out a jigsaw puzzle for the whole family to solve together
   • Listen to a new album from an artist you love
   • Try out a new recipe that’s too complicated for a weeknight
   • Build an epic fort with your kids using cardboard boxes, sheets, and Christmas lights
2. When you wake up on your Do Nothing Day, pick one of those things you brainstormed. If none of them sound good now that the Day has arrived, no worries. Brainstorm something else.
3. Do that one thing and only that one thing. No multitasking. Just take your time and enjoy it because there’s no rush to mark something off your to-do list.

Related: 8 Easy Ways to Develop a Reading Habit – From a Former Bookworm

How You’ll Know If It Worked

On Monday morning, you’ll hear it, just like always:

“How was your weekend?”

If you think back to your Do Nothing Day and find yourself smiling as you answer, that’s how you’ll know. You gave yourself the break you so desperately needed. Plus, what better way to KonMari your closet than to skip doing laundry for a weekend?

What You Need to Know About “Me Time”

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.

Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

What would you do on your “do nothing day”? Share in a comment below!

The post Why Your Family Needs a “Do Nothing Day” This Weekend appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

This is to you, the mom who has one foot in each world. To you, the one who feels like a failure at home and a failure at work because you can’t give 100% to both. You, the one who fantasizes about not needing sleep so you can finally get it all done. Or maybe half of it done.

This is to you, the mom who wakes up at 4:00 am to pump because it’s the only time the house is quiet and nobody’s hanging on you. To you, the one who sets up the pump and sits down to hook up the tube and the flange and the bottle, and your milk lets down—just as the baby wakes up. You, the one who doesn’t want to wake the rest of the house, so you stop the pump, press a nursing pad to your chest, and go to get the baby. To you, the mom who sits back down to start the whole process all over again except this time with a squirmy baby who keeps kicking the pump flange, spraying you both in milk.

This is to you, the one who can shower, do your hair and makeup, and get dressed in 7.2 minutes. To you, the mom who can do this in 7.2 minutes while also keeping your baby happy in the bouncy seat because your partner already had to leave for work. You, the mom can even keep the baby happy in the bouncy seat by practicing your 9:00 am presentation while channeling the energy level and voice of Elmo.

When You’re Running Late

This is to you, the mom who walks the fine line between hurrying your slowpoke kid and losing your patience because everything. Takes. So. Long. To you, the one who smiles big when that slowpoke shows you his massive wobbly LEGO tower, even though you know you’re already 10 minutes behind schedule. You, the mom who gets all the diaper bags packed and the lunches made and everybody loaded in their car seats and buckled, and you’re about to back out of the driveway when you hear, “I have to pee.”

This is to you, the mom who pulls back in the driveway, unbuckles both kids, traipses back inside, sits the big kid on the potty, and waits. To you, the mom who waits. You, the mom who waits and waits and waits even though nothing happens.

This is to you, the mom who does all this, reacts only with a heavy sigh, and repeats the whole ridiculous process all over again. To you, the mom who always, always puts your purse in the backseat. You, the one who knows why this is important.

When Even Your Commute Isn’t a Break

This is to you, the one who sings “Old MacDonald” on the way to daycare. To you, the mom who can’t think of any more animal sounds so you make them up. The pink snorfallus says “snorf.” The hairy bumble says “bum-bum.” The vanilla snackimal says “yum.”

This is to you, on the mornings you have to reach back with one hand while driving to keep the pacifier in the baby’s mouth. To you, the mom who can do this and still be a better driver than some people are with both hands on the wheel. You, the mom who can already feel the crick in your back, but you do it anyway because keeping the peace is more important than saving yourself pain.

This is to you, the mom who parks in the daycare parking lot, gets out of the car, and opens the back door to discover the baby’s carseat fell victim to the most epic of epic blowouts. To you, the one who thinks of your 9:00 am presentation and your pristine white blouse. You, the mom who hands your phone to the big kid to buy yourself time, extracts the baby and holds her at arm-length, then completes a diaper change, full body wipe-down, and a costume change in the trunk of your car.

When You Have to Leave

This is to you, the mom who stops at the infant room and hands over a baby with arms reaching for you and tears running down her little face. To you, the one who turns toward the big kid classroom while holding that big kid’s hand. To you, when your big kid migrates from your hand to a full body lock on your leg. You, the one who has to pry each pudgy little finger one-by-one from your leg. To you, the mom who puts on a brave face even though your throat is tight from leaving your little ones like this.

This is to you, the mom who distracts your kid by pointing out an in-progress craft involving toilet paper rolls, fingerpaint, and glitter. To you, the mom who never, ever allows glitter in your house, so you know this will be your ticket out the door. You, the mom who’s almost to the door when your kid notices and runs up to you crying, grabbing you from behind for another hug.

This is to you, the mom who turns around and crouches down for a proper hug. To you, the one who lets go second. You, the mom who glances down at your white blouse to see a smudge of blue fingerpaint.

This is to you, the one who gives your kid one more hug anyway.

Related: When Working Mom Guilt Strikes at Daycare Drop-Off

When It’s Time for Work

This is to you, the mom who finds a wrinkled cardigan in the trunk of the car to cover up the stain. To you, the one who delivers that 9:00 am presentation. You, the one who rocks it even with the fingerpaint smudge.

This is to you, the one who runs into your boss’s boss on the way out of the presentation. To you, the one who graciously accepts the compliment. You, the one who listens while your boss’s boss suggests you travel out of the country to deliver the presentation to another office, and you know you should be pleased but in reality you think of prying those pudgy little hands from your leg and the baby’s face streaked with tears.

This is to you, the mom who turns down lunch with your co-workers. To you, the one who knows it would take too long and you have too much to do and you can’t just stay later because daycare pick-up doesn’t make allowances for having lunch with friends for fun. You, the mom who hears the group come back from lunch, laughing at something together, and you put your headphones on because you wish you were laughing too.

Related: To My Kids, on the Days When I Feel Like I’m Failing As a Parent

When You Can’t Wait

This is to you, the one who gets everything done that needs to get done and still leaves with exactly the right amount of time to pick up the kids. To you, the one who inches your way through traffic and cranks up the radio when Don’t Stop Believin’ comes on. You, the one who parks a little crooked and hurries inside because you can’t stand to wait any longer.

This is to you, the one who missed those pudgy little fingers wrapped around your neck. To you, for when the baby face looks up and shines just for you. You, for when your heart feels full.

This is to you, the mom who heads home, tidies up the house with a baby on your hip while your partner makes dinner, then feeds the baby and the big kid and almost forgets to feed yourself. To you, the one who tucks them into bed. You, the one who tucks them into bed again. And again. And again.

When It’s All Over…Sort Of

This is to you, the one who finally collapses on the couch with a glass of wine or maybe a cup of hot tea along with your laptop so you can catch up on email. To you, the mom who sees your boss’s boss sent you an email. You, the one who gets a jolt of adrenaline expecting more accolades from your presentation.

This is to you, the mom who opens up that email. To you, the one who gets a wrinkle between your eyebrows when you see the only thing your boss’s boss wrote was three question marks. You, the mom who racks your brain.

This is to you, the mom who remembers the blowout—the phone as a distraction. To you, the one who scrolls down in the email thread. You, the mom who sees it.

The picture of you, taken by your big kid through the back window while you changed the baby’s diaper. The picture of you, bending over with a clear shot down your blouse. The picture of you, sent by your big kid to your boss’s boss and your boss and actually it looks like to the whole department.

This is to you, for blinking five times to clear your eyes. To you, for cradling your head in your hands. You, for picking your head back up, taking a swig of wine, and crafting a polite but witty reply.

This Is to You, Working Mom

Your kids may not see everything you do. Maybe not even your partner. But I see.

I see you.

This is to you, mom. For doing all this and more. And for getting up at 4:00 am the next morning to do it all over again.

Your Turn

Been there? Share in a comment below.

The post This Is to You, the Mom Who Leaves for Work appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Being home all day with my kids is a blessing. I know that, and I appreciate it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m home all day with my kids.

Today, I was nursing my newborn girl Charlie on the living room couch when I realized my toddler was awful quiet.

I heard a rustle in the dining room, so while still nursing, I awkwardly pushed off the couch to have a look.

And when I rounded the corner, I chuckled at myself.

Because Bailey was just sitting at the kids’ art table, scribbling away.

“Are you drawing, honey?” I asked.

She stopped and stared at me. “Yeah,” she said.

I turned to head back to the living room, shaking my head and feeling silly for worrying.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you be a happier parent, backed by science.

But Wait…

Why did she stop what she was doing?

I whipped back around and hurried to where Bailey was sitting. In her hand?

A blue Sharpie.

On the art table. The nice dining room chair. Her arms. Her belly. All over her hands. HER FACE.

She looked up at me, and she suddenly got very, very still. Which is saying something for her.

So yes, I’m lucky to be home with my kids. But that doesn’t mean my first reaction was to skip off, tra-la-la-ing to retrieve the rubbing alcohol. (Which, in case you find yourself in a similar situation one day, worked on the toddler’s skin but not the wood table or chair.)

After I scrubbed her arms and hands and belly and face until she resembled a sunburned Strawberry Shortcake, I went to rescue baby Charlie from the bouncy seat on the bathroom counter.

And I guess she must’ve been feeling left out of all the fun we were having.

When I lifted her out of her seat, a glob of mustard yellow dropped to the counter. I held her away from my body and peered around to her back. An impressive out-the-back-and-both-leg-holes variety of blowout.

So yes, I feel immense gratitude for my life. But that doesn’t mean I laid the baby gently on the changing table, then fist-pumped the air in anticipation of the awesome task ahead.

After I changed the baby’s diaper and wiped her down and cleaned the bathroom counter and got her dressed again, it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen Bailey in a while.

I walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom and saw her standing on the arm of the rocking chair. All the better to reach into the top drawer of the dresser.

And I started walking faster because I realized what we keep in that top drawer of the dresser.

As I got closer, I saw the wrappers on the floor under the open dresser drawer.

“Oh, God,” I said.

Condoms.

She’d unwrapped every single one and let the wrappers fall. And in her hands?

The things themselves. All clumped together in her innocent little hands.

So yes, I’m happy for the gift of seeing my girls all day every day. But that doesn’t mean I cheerfully hummed a Mary Poppins tune as I pried the clump from her hands and held her up to the bathroom sink where I washed her hands for 27 minutes.

What You Might Not Expect

This all happened before 10 am.

I did not text my husband a play-by-play of the morning.

I did not call him to share a laundry list of grievances.

I did not take a photo of each epic mess and send it to him.

Why?

Because there’s nothing he could do to help.

It’s not like he can reach through the phone to scrub permanent marker, baby poo, and condom slime.

Venting does nothing to dissolve anger. All venting does is intensify my anger to the boiling point.

And he can’t leave work on a moment’s notice to come home and stay with the kids so I can lock myself in the upstairs bathroom with a bag of Dove chocolate^† and a box of wine. (Yes, we’re classy boxed wine folk.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Related: The Only Thing You Need to Survive the “Terrible Twos” – With Your Sanity Intact

Here’s What Complaining Does Accomplish

Complaining about every little (or big) hiccup gives me a skewed perspective of my day.

Complaining puts my focus squarely on the problem. Not the solution.

And complaining to my husband Ty makes him feel powerless.

His wife is about to throw Tickle Me Elmo off a cliff, and he can’t do a thing to help her.

Ty never actually told me all this. But I know.

I know because after Bailey was born and I still had a desk job, Ty stayed home with Bailey one afternoon a week.

On those afternoons, I peppered him with questions. Is she napping okay? Did she take the bottle I left? Is she being fussy? Is he getting any work done?

And of course, as is the case when you try to get work done while watching kids, the answers were usually: No, no, yes, no.

I wanted to help. But I was stuck at work.

And my husband at home with a fussy, non-sleeping baby was all I could think about, so I wasn’t even being super productive at work.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 Quick Solutions You Can Try Now

I Made a Pact With Myself

When I left my corporate job to become a full-time blogger – as “full-time” as you can be while wrangling a toddler and a newborn – I vowed not to complain to my husband about all the little bumps in the road. I needed to stop complaining in order to be a happy mom.

It took me a while to tell him about my pact, and when I did, he wasn’t actually a fan of it.

He wants me to tell him about those everyday frustrations. He wants to know if I’m on the brink of moving to Canada to start a new life as a Mountie.

So I promised if I’m really at my breaking point, I will tell him. And he will get away from work if he can and come give me a break.

For everything else, I don’t text. I don’t call.

If I happen to feel a burning desire to share a frustrating story before I see him in person, I try to focus on a solution, not the problem. Or I wait until I can laugh about it.

Complaining in the moment doesn’t do anyone any good. And it definitely doesn’t make me a happy mother.

Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}

Happy Moms Don’t Do This Either

The moment my husband walks through the door after work, I can barely contain myself.

I’m ready to unload all the crappy parts of my day.

But again, I hold back.

When I haven’t seen my husband all day, the last thing I want to do is get all worked up into a froth of anger as my first interaction with him.

And the same goes for him. We both avoid unloading our frustrations first thing when we see each other. Complaining right off the bat infiltrates the tone of our whole evening together.

Instead, we greet each other with a hug. And not just any kind of hug.

We share the funny parts of our days, we play a quick game of chase with the kids, or we have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen.

Only then do we take a deep breath and share those daily annoyances.

And here’s the best part: After a hug and a few giggles, those frustrations transform into just another opportunity to share a laugh. Happy mom, happy family.

Related: 7 Quick Ways to Connect With Your Partner

A Confession

On those days, it’s hard to stop from complaining, and I’m not perfect. As my husband reminds me almost daily: Ideals are a vision, not a reality. When I slip up, I forgive myself and get my mindset back on track.

This morning, I have to admit that I did text my husband.

Twice.

The first: Do you think it’s okay to use rubbing alcohol to clean the kids’ art table? I focused on the solution, not the problem. Score!

And the second: I think Bailey’s telling us she’s ready for another sibling. I’ll explain later.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re in the thick of a mom funk, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take in order to get back to being a happy mom. Use this cheat sheet to help you in those tough moments.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

How to Find Happiness in the Chaos of Parenting

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family.

Click here to get a free excerpt and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

How do you stay positive when the kids drive you crazy? Share in a comment below!

The post I Found the Secret to Being a Happy Mom appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Before I had kids, I rarely watched the same movie a second time. Let alone for a one-hundredth time.

But my kids seem to have an insatiable desire for re-watching the same movies.

Some experts think kids like to re-watch films for the same reason they like to read the same books over and over again: To a kid, everything is new. That can be stressful. The idea that the world is a predictable place is reassuring to a child.

That’s why hearing or watching the same story makes them happy. Because they know what’s going to happen next. No surprises.

My kids have dragged me along on this movie repetition ride. I thought eventually, it would drive me to take a sledgehammer to every kids’ DVD we own, then use the silvery shards to stab out my own eyes.

Then I Got a Surprise

I realized I was starting to like re-watching movies. Maybe even love it.

Even if you do your research on Rotten Tomatoes, when you watch only new movies you can end up with some real duds.

But movies you’ve seen before and loved? They never disappoint.

Example: I first discovered About Time^† on my quest to find the top 10 romantic comedies for the modern woman. Now I re-watch it about once a month and get the same warm fuzzies as that first time—maybe more.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

10 Essential Quotes for Parents From Kids’ Movies

As long as you don’t get roped into watching the latest My Little Pony monstrosity, you can actually enjoy your movie re-watching plight as a parent.

Why? Because whether it’s your fifth or fiftieth time to watch Toy Story, most kids’ movies nowadays have messages the parents need to hear just as much as the kids.

Here are the top quotes about parenting I’ve picked up from watching these movies with my kids over and over and OVER again. For your next family movie night, pop one of these movies in, settle in with a family-sized vat of popcorn, and soak up the parenting wisdom.

(Quick note: I tried to find video clips of all the actual quotes, but I didn’t in some cases so I included the movie trailer instead.)

1. On Courage

• Movie: We Bought a Zoo
• Truth: This quote has come in handy tons of times. When our oldest daughter was scared to jump in the pool. And again when she was nervous about offering her hand for a handshake instead of a hug. And again and again. We recite the quote, she nods her head, and she finds the courage to tackle whatever challenge lies ahead. (Be sure to watch this family movie with the family-friendly audio track.)
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

2. On Discipline

You are bad guy, but this does not mean you are *bad* guy.

• Movie: Wreck-It Ralph
• Truth: When your kid’s behavior is less than desirable, he isn’t the bad guy. From whining to tantrums, he may be having a hard time and giving you an even harder time, but this quote reminds me to keep my anger in check. As soon as possible after everyone is calmed down, we find a way to reconnect and turn the whole debacle into a teachable moment.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

3. On Connection

Balalalala

• Movie: Big Hero 6
• Truth: When moods dip low and tones get snippy around the house—usually because we’ve made the mistake of letting hanger infiltrate our ranks—it’s no fun for anyone. Try this trick to lighten things up a bit. A round of fist bumps with a “Balalalala” does wonders for everyone in our family. We can’t help but smile, even if one of us is currently pouting. That small connection is usually enough to pull us out of a downward spiral.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

4. On Happiness

I… I know you don’t want me to, but I miss home. I miss Minnesota. You need me to be happy, but I want my old friend, and my hockey team. I wanna go home. Please don’t be mad.

• Movie: Inside Out
• Truth: You want your kid to be happy, so when she falls and scrapes a knee you say, “You’re okay.” When she’s upset about being snubbed by a friend at school, you move right to solutions. It’s easy to skip the step of listening. Of letting your child know you hear that she’s upset. That you get it. I know because I make that mistake all the time. But without that step, your child represses those yucky feelings and they come out in uglier ways, like temper tantrums.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

5. On Mistakes

Go write your own stories.

• Movie: The Book of Life
• Truth: You want to keep your kid safe from the same heartache and sadness you’ve experienced. You’ve learned countless life lessons, and it’s your job to pass them onto your children. Which is true. But it’s easy to take this too far. You need to leave space for your child to learn her own lessons. Make her own mistakes. When you try to protect her from every hiccup in life, you end up with a child who cannot handle even the smallest failure or disappointment. And that won’t end well by the time she’s in college because it manifests as depression and/or anxiety. Moral for me as a parent? Let your child write her own stories.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

6. On What Really Matters

That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.

• Movie: Up
• Truth: What matters most to your kids is not the big, expensive stuff like a new flat-screen TV or a house with two times the square footage. Nope. It’s the little “boring” things that are most important of all. From an impromptu dance party to telling stories from when you were a kid, those simple times will be what your kid remembers the most.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

7. On Bravery

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.

• Movie: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
• Truth: This is a fantastic lesson for kids, but it’s turned out to be an even better lesson for me as a parent. When my kids behave in a disrespectful way, especially when it’s something small, sometimes it’s tempting to let it slide. Look the other way. Because who wants to be a nag all the time? And what if your kids think you’re a tyrant and by the time they’re legally adults, they want absolutely nothing to do with you? Time will tell on the latter, but what I’ve learned is that when I’m consistent about making my expectations clear, my kids seem to respect me more for it.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

8. On Authority

Authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not from threat of force.

Barbie

• Movie: Toy Story 3
• Truth: As a parent, it’s my job to help get these little people ready to live independently in this crazy world of ours. That’s why I view moments of discipline as an opportunity to teach my children a lesson to serve them later in life. And in fact, the Latin root of the word “discipline” means “to teach.” Ultimately, I’ve come to realize the fact that I cannot force my kids to do what they don’t want to do. Anyone who’s ever lived through non-napping days with toddlers knows this. On top of that, my kids need to be open to the idea of learning a lesson, or nothing will stick. Fear and shame shut down the part of the brain that can learn those lessons. In our house, parenting does not work well as a dictatorship. Of the four major parenting styles, we’ve found the authoritative (not authoritarian) style works best.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

9. On the Journey

No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid. I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for…for 10 minutes!

• Movie: The Incredibles
• Truth: Aside from the obvious part about how ridiculous it feels trying to keep a house clean when you have littles running around, this quote perfectly describes the journey of parenting. Every time you get a handle on your current stage of parenting, something changes. You finally figure out how to head off toddler tantrums at the pass, then you wake up to discover your kid is now the pickiest eater in all of the land and refuses to eat anything but Goldfish crackers and ketchup. Or your kid starts kindergarten and after a couple months, you get into a groove with that whole school thing. Then one day, you pick up your kid from school and she’s in tears because her best friend wouldn’t play with her at recess. You know how people say, “It gets easier”? It’s true, and it’s not. Sure, not having to wake up every two hours to feed, burp, and change a newborn is nice. But is it easier trying to raise a kind kid instead of a butthead? Kinda, kinda not.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

10. On Affection

She loves you, but always forgets to say it. Just like you forget to tell her.

• Movie: The Croods
• Truth: Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my never-ending to-do list that I forget to stop and just be with my kids. Play LEGOs with my toddler for 10 minutes. Read Harry Potter out loud to my oldest. Look them in the eyes and tell them I love them. Or open my arms for a quick hug (although not too quick). Bonding in these small ways helps kids form healthier relationships as they grow into adults, plus it increases their brain’s ability to learn and retain knowledge. When I take a couple short minutes to reconnect, I reap the benefits all day. My kids roll with the punches better when things don’t go 100% their way, they’re more open to the idea of helping out around the house, and we just have more fun together.
• Watch It: Amazon | iTunes

Your Turn

What are your favorite quotes on parenting? Share in a comment below!

The post 10 Quotes From Kids’ Movies That Will Inspire Every Parent appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

The topic of paternity leave has made the news more than usual lately. Here are a few highlights:

• Dads who take two or more weeks off after their child is born end up more involved in that child’s care nine months later—including feeding, bathing, changing diapers, and so on—compared to dads who don’t take any paternity leave. Even later in the child’s life, those paternity leave dads stay more committed and involved in parenting. This is good news because kids with involved dads are more likely to be happier, experience success at school, and have more friends, plus they’re less likely to engage in risky behavior like drug and alcohol use.
• Dads who take paternity leave end up spending 23 percent more of their time on household chores than dads who don’t—and it’s not fleeting. Research shows this shift stays in place even three years after paternity leave is over. With household division of labor being one of the top causes of marital strife, this effect could help strengthen marriages during what can be a tough transition time.
• Virgin’s CEO Richard Branson announced that new dads at Virgin Management can take up to a year of paternity leave. This is a far cry from what other big-name companies offer. For example, Google and Facebook are known as the most generous on paternity leave, but they offer 7 weeks and 17 weeks paid leave, respectively.

In other words, paternity leave is good for kids and good for families, and some companies offer a decent parental leave for dads.

Also, countries like Sweden and Canada are starting to catch on. In the U.S., we now have three states that mandate paid paternity leave: California, New Jersey, and Rhode Island. Three out of 50 is a bit embarrassing, but you have to start somewhere.

Now, guess how many U.S. employers offer paid paternity leave.

Just 14 percent.

Here’s the Moral of That Story

Paternity leave is all-around awesomeness for kids, moms, and dads. Check. Understood.

So if you’re lucky enough to have access to paid parental leave as a dad, count your blessings and take the maximum time allowed…right?

As it turns out, that’s not quite how it works in corporate America.

At the billion-dollar company where I worked and where my husband still works, dads were allowed to take up to two weeks sick time as paid paternity leave. Then if they had any vacation hours beyond that (up to two weeks), they could take that, too.

In theory, new dads could take a month paid paternity leave after the birth or adoption of a child.

And Here’s the Reality

I know of only one dad who took the full paternity leave available to him:

My husband.

The company is in the high-tech space, which means the vast majority of my co-workers were male. I knew a lot of men who became dads in the time I worked with them.

To be fair, I didn’t keep tabs on all my co-workers to find out if they took the maximum paternity leave available to them. I’m sure plenty of dads happily took their leave and didn’t blab about it to the world.

But the dads who did talk to me and other co-workers about their paternity leave?

They bragged about taking as little paternity leave as possible.

Let Me Explain

One dad planned to take two weeks off, but he ended up back in the office for half days by the end of the first week and for full days in the second week.

Another new dad said he took two days off and was back at work. Even when he was at home those two days, he was online during and after business hours, catching up on email and other work.

When I was in the middle of conversations like this, it seemed as if these guys felt they had to prove their commitment to the job—to me and everyone else in the conversation.

I bit my tongue.

Why?

To be clear: No judgement on new dads from me. I bet you feel like you can’t win, either way you go.

If you take your leave, you’re helping your partner out. You probably didn’t realize the long-term effects I mentioned above, but what new dad wouldn’t want to be there for his partner during a stressful time? Not to mention getting to know the new little person you’ll be living with now.

On the other hand, you might feel like you’re letting your boss and/or your co-workers down. You may even feel like if you disappear for a week or two (or four), they’ll realize they don’t need you as much as they thought they did. And everyone wants to feel like they contribute at work, so I’m sure that’s not a good feeling. (Actually, I know it’s not a good feeling because I felt that way while on maternity leave with my two eldest girls.)

So let’s say you decide not to take any paternity leave. Now you’re letting your partner down.

And that brings me to the most important reason I’m sharing all this with you.

Being a Family Man Isn’t Always Socially Acceptable

Why did those new dads feel the need to brag about taking as little paternity leave as possible?

Because the social norms of corporate America discourage the idea that a man should take time off to bond with his new child. A baby.

I mean, why do you need two people to take care of a tiny little baby?

Many people still buy into the notion that a man’s career should come first, before his family.

When the boss needs him, he should be available and responsive.

One of my husband’s bosses once called his cell phone just before we sat down to dinner with our family. Ty answered the phone and said, “I’m having dinner with my family. I’ll find you in the morning.”

His boss was taken off guard and fumbled through an apology. Ty’s reply probably surprised him. Because you’re supposed to hop to when the boss calls.

Another of Ty’s bosses would regularly text after hours about non-urgent issues. Ty would always wait to text back until the morning, but others in the group replied to the boss right away.

I’m not saying all this to toot my husband’s horn, though I am a pretty big fan of the guy.

He learned the hard way through his life experiences that family must come first before career. You don’t live to work. You work to live.

But his behavior is not the norm in corporate America.

The Icing on the Cake

To be clear, women can be complicit in this “paternity leave is for slackers” mentality, too.

Even when a man has a female boss, she’s not necessarily more understanding.

One dad I know worked in a group with team members in the U.S., Europe, and Asia. The group’s manager—a woman—decided to hold a team-building summit in Europe. Three weeks before the dad’s wife was due to have a baby.

During the planning stages for the summit, it became clear that his boss expected him to attend.

He said no, that’s too close to my wife’s due date. His boss was taken aback.

She asked, “Well, were your other children born early or late?” Implication: If they were late, you should travel.

If a man doesn’t want to travel for business within the reasonable window when his wife might go into labor, that should be the end of the conversation.

I share this story not to pick on this dad’s boss. It’s just one example to show how so many of us play this “career first” game, especially when it comes to fathers wanting to be there for their families.

What’s the Answer?

Men might not be taking their available paid paternity leave for several reasons, which is a topic for another day. And I haven’t even touched on the ridiculousness of how few men have access to paid leave in the first place.

But the most insidious reason is when a man wants to take his allowed leave but feels he can’t because it will damage his reputation at the office.

This cultural norm must change.

Paternity leave is good for your child, good for you as a dad, good for your partner, and good for your marriage. Now and later.

If you want to take your full leave, worrying about your image at work should not stop you.

Because one day, that job will be gone. What’s left will be your child, your partner, and you. Your family.

This Is Your Job As a Dad

If you’re one of those dads who quietly took their full paid paternity leave, or close to it? It’s time for you to speak up.

You don’t have to make a big deal about it, but let’s balance out the paternity leave conversation.

Not only will you be helping your own family, but you’ll be paying it forward to other families too:

Fathers who take paternity leave make their brothers 15 percent more likely to do the same. Similarly, dads who see their male coworkers take time off are 11 percent more likely to take leave themselves.

If you take the paid paternity leave available to you, own it. You’re an awesome dad, and the world should know that.

So share your story.

Explain what happened while you were on paternity leave. The bliss of your baby falling asleep on your chest. The agony of your baby waking up every hour between midnight and 5:00 am and crying inconsolably. How the time flew by. The paradox of wanting more time but also being relieved to be back at work.

Then talk about what happened when you came back from leave. That you got back in your groove. That you weren’t penalized for putting family first.

Show the world that being an awesome dad is nothing to be ashamed of.

Your Turn

What’s your paternity leave story? Share in a comment below!

The post The Surprising Reason Dads Don’t Take Paternity Leave appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

My youngest daughter is almost 2 years old, and she’s never been to daycare.

Until last week.

We’ve always had a bit of a hodge-podge childcare setup for her.

When I went back to my corporate job after maternity leave, I stretched my vacation hours as long as possible to give me what amounted to a part-time schedule for several months. Since she was still sleeping six hours during the day, my husband Ty had one afternoon a week where he worked from home. I had one full day a week where I worked from home. Then we used babysitters and relied on friends to fill the gaps.

All that made the working mom guilt almost nonexistent.

And sure, sometimes it was stressful to balance the work schedules and meeting requests for me and Ty, plus the school and work commitments of 2-3 babysitters. But I am so incredibly grateful that we’ve been able to keep our child in a home environment with lots of one-on-one quality time.

Why the Change?

In my latest adventure of quitting my desk job so I can work from home as a full-time blogger, I’ve been with my youngest pretty much 24-7.

And it’s been absolutely wonderful. Lots of baby board books and LEGOs and cuddles.

She takes a 2-hour nap everyday, so I work then.

But as it turns out, trying to launch a new career that will support my family is hard to make happen in 10-12 hours a week.

On top of writing for this blog, I’m writing an e-book and compiling an e-course—plus freelancing to make ends meet in the meantime.

As a recovering perfectionist, it’s always been hard for me to admit when I have too much on my plate. Hard to say no. But I can’t lie to myself any longer.

I simply cannot get it all done just by working during nap time. And yet, I feel guilty that I can’t make it work while being home with my child full-time.

After talking things over with Ty for weeks, we decided to try a drop-in daycare for one morning once or twice a week.

At First, I Wasn’t Worried

My toddler is super outgoing and fiercely independent.

She’s the kind of kid who walks right up to another kid she’s never met and gives them a big hug.

Ty and I are both pretty reserved when meeting new people, so her sunflower baby personality^† sometimes catches us by surprise. We thought daycare would be a breeze for our youngest.

Baby Sunflower: “She wakes up happy, her rhythms are fairly predictable, she adapts to change without undue protest, she’s open to new experiences but not impulsively so, she’s moderate in both her positive and negative expressions of emotions, and she’s fun to be around.”

Find out your baby’s personality type in this book: Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

A couple days before we planned to drop her off, we explained what would happen. She would go to school, just like her big sister, and Mommy would leave and go work for a little bit then come back to pick her up.

For two days, we majorly hyped up the idea of going to school.

“Do you want to go to school and play with other kids?” or “Do you want to make some new friends?” or “Are you excited to go to school just like your big sis?”

“Yeah!” she would yell, every time.

She’s got this, I thought.

And Then It Happened

On the morning we’d be dropping my child off, absolutely EVERYTHING was exciting to her.

Picking out her clothes for school, packing her lunch, stocking the diaper bag. Even brushing her teeth wasn’t a battle on that morning.

After we parked, I got her out of the car and plopped her on my hip. She was so amped up, her little legs kicked the entire walk from the car to the front door.

And then we were inside.

I saw three other kids already there, all older than her. But she’s always been drawn to older kids, probably thanks to having a big sister five years older than her.

Still, I wasn’t worried.

I handed over the paperwork at the front desk and signed in.

Then I glanced down at my child and saw she was sucking her thumb.

It’s too early for her to be tired, I thought.

I walked to the play area where another girl was building a tower.

“Look! They have so many LEGOs!”

Bending over, I tried to set her down.

She didn’t let go.

A teacher noticed what was happening and came over to get my child engaged in playing.

She was having NONE of it.

I tried getting her involved in a craft they had set up. Nope.

I tried showing her the reading nook. No interest.

I tried getting her to climb the indoor jungle gym. No luck.

A Turning Point

The teacher tried to take my child from me, and she absolutely lost it.

She screamed “Mama! Mama! Mama!” She wrapped her arms and legs so tight around me, I could have let go and she wouldn’t have moved an inch.

Buckets and buckets of tears poured down her cheeks.

“Mama will be back soon,” I said, kissing her on the cheek. “I promise.”

My voice cracked.

I let the teacher peel her off me, and I turned to walk away.

Her screams got louder, and I glanced back.

The entire top half of her t-shirt was now wet. Her arms were stretched out to me as far as she could reach. She was frantic.

I hurried. Before I lost it too.

Working Mom Guilt Strikes Again

The second I sat in the driver’s seat, my composure vanished and a flood of questions rushed through my mind.

What was I doing to the poor girl? Was this really necessary? By working from home the last few months, had I set her up for failure?

I glanced at my face in the rearview mirror. Realizing I looked a lot like my child had a couple minutes earlier, I took a few deep breaths to try to get a handle on my emotions.

It didn’t work.

The mom guilt pushed me further and further down.

I knew I should have given her more time to warm up. We should have had a practice visit where I didn’t leave.

Sure, she’s independent and adventurous, but it was stupid of me to think she didn’t need time to get used to the idea.

Above all, here’s what I couldn’t stop asking myself: Was working from home bad for my child?

Even though I still felt horrible, I calmed myself enough to get back on the road.

But I couldn’t shake the image of my child reaching for me, her face red and wet. Screaming my name.

Every time that popped into my head, a fresh wave of guilt crashed over me.

I raised an arm to drag my sleeve across my eyes, and it was already soaked.

Related: This Is to You, the Mom Who Leaves for Work

Then I Remembered

When I was working at a desk job 4-5 days a week, I left my child with a babysitter.

And that screaming for me, the uncontrollable crying?

That happened when I left for work then, too.

So what happened at the daycare was nothing new.

Yes, my child is independent and adventurous. She just has a hard time when Mom leaves for work.

For toddlers and preschoolers, separation anxiety is perfectly normal.

“Virtually every parent who has left a toddler with a caregiver has experienced the crumpled face, the arms velcro-locked around your knees, the wail that rips through your heart.

It’s the normal response of a securely attached toddler who protests what she perceives as a life-threatening separation from her mother. Your toddler will learn, over time, that you do return when you leave, but she is not yet capable of understanding this fully.”

I’m not making it harder on her by working from home most of the time.

And I can feel good about the fact that the vast majority of the time, she gets to be at home with someone she trusts and loves.

Will I continue with my plan of using drop-in daycare to get my work done?

I’m not sure yet.

But it might be time to practice saying no a little more often.

Your Turn

How do you cope when mom guilt strikes? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post When Working Mom Guilt Strikes at Daycare Drop-Off appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Being a perfectionist isn’t inherently bad. Throughout my life, my type-A personality has driven me to accomplish big goals like quitting my corporate job to become a full-time blogger or even more ambitious—compiling the most impressive playlist of unknown love songs the world has ever seen.

But that type-A personality has a dark side, too.

This is what usually happens when you let your drive for perfection reign supreme:

• You procrastinate—and typically on the most important tasks that line up with your biggest life goals.
• You’re rarely satisfied with what you accomplish, making it difficult to truly be happy.
• You need to be in control because you’re the only one who can do things the “right” way. This means you end up with too much to do, leaving you stressed and overwhelmed.

That was me.

No, correction: That is me.

I’m fighting a lifelong battle with myself to keep my high expectations in check so I can enjoy a happy life that’s “good enough.”

The Worst Part

Do you want to know what makes my cheeks burn with shame?

My perfectionist tendencies have spread to my eldest daughter. After watching how I react to my own mistakes, she’s learned to be pretty dang hard on herself for making mistakes, too.

When she started kindergarten, I realized it was time to turn this perfectionism battle into an all-out war.

I got serious about putting a muzzle on that part of my head that berates anything less than perfect. I read books and articles. Watched videos.

In short, I applied my obsessive perfectionism to the goal of overcoming perfectionism.

6 Must-Haves for Every Perfectionist With a Type-A Personality

Over the past couple years, I’ve put together a toolbox of must-haves for keeping my perfectionism at bay. These 6 tools help me on a daily basis.

If you also struggle with perfectionism, procrastination, feeling overwhelmed, or all of the above—consider adding these life-savers to your own toolbox.

(p.s. This list most definitely includes some inexpensive but awesome new office supplies, just for you. And what type-A perfectionist doesn’t LOVE new office supplies?)

1. A Dumping Ground

Part of our problem as perfectionists is that we have a ton of things we want to get done. Like, A TON.

We jot these things down on spare scraps of paper, in the notes app on our phone, on our family calendar, in our trusty planner—not to mention everything else that’s swirling in our heads that hasn’t even made it to paper yet.

This disjointed to-do list is actually a major source of stress for our type-A personality. From the book Getting Things Done^†:

“The short-term memory part of your mind—the part that tends to hold all of the incomplete, undecided, and unorganized “stuff”—functions much like RAM on a personal computer. Your conscious mind, like the computer screen, is a focusing tool, not a storage place. You can think about only two or three things at once. But the incomplete items are still being stored in the short-term-memory space. And as with RAM, there’s limited capacity; there’s only so much “stuff” you can store in there and still have that part of your brain function at a high level. Most people walk around with their RAM bursting at the seams. They’re constantly distracted, their focus disturbed by their own internal mental overload…

This produces an all-pervasive stress factor whose source can’t be pinpointed.”

David Allen

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

The solution is easy: Write everything you want to do in one place.

You can use a journal, as long as it opens flat so you can get all the nitty gritty details out of your head without the book flipping shut on you. I love these deconstructed journals (especially this one) because they open flat and already have a weathered look to them, so I don’t feel bad throwing it in my purse or the diaper bag.

But my personal preference is to use Evernote as my official dumping ground. Evernote is an app where you keep one master list you can access on your phone or computer, or both. I always have my phone with me, so I always have my master list with me, too.

2. A To-Do List That Might Drive You Crazy

Let’s say you finally got all the stuff you want to get done written down in one place.

But oh goodness, is it overwhelming!

We perfectionists have the highest of expectations, and it’s just not possible to get everything done. Kids get sick and need you by their side. An urgent project comes up at work, usurping your plans for the day. You get caught up binge-watching New Girl on the night you’re supposed to be finishing your taxes. (Oops.)

The solution? MITs. Otherwise known as Most Important Tasks.

Every morning—or the night before—look at your master list, and pick three tasks that are most important to get done that day, and jot them down. Just three.

Pick the three things that MUST happen today. And if you finish your MITs for the day, you can officially consider yourself a rockstar.

I can hear you right now. “But…just three? Just THREE?!?”

Remember: You can always do more than your MITs, but do those first. Before you check Facebook or schedule that overdue dentist appointment—do your MITs.

I promise you’ll feel SO much better about how much you’re getting done!

For this trick, don’t use your master list, or it will stress you out. Jot down your MITs on something like this to-do list notepad or these disgustingly cute sticky notes. What makes the notepad perfect is that instead of one sheet per day, you get one per WEEK. This forces you to keep your list short for each day.

Now, you’ll notice each day has seven boxes. Don’t be an overachiever and fill out all seven boxes!

Just three. If you finish those three MITs, you can feel free to add another item or two to the bottom. But only after you finish those three.

One of the reasons I love this notepad so much is that it also takes care of the next must-have for perfectionists…

3. A Done List

Have you ever finished something that wasn’t originally on your to-do list, but you wrote it down just so you could immediately cross it off?

Turns out you were onto something. Keeping a running list of what you’ve gotten done will reduce your stress levels:

“As the Wall Street Journal reports, the researchers tracked a group of workers for 15 days, tracking their blood pressure and stress symptoms, such as fatigue and headaches. What led to lesser stress levels? Workers writing down accomplishments from the day, like nailing a presentation or scoring on a sales call.”

The reason this works so well is that getting a bunch of small wins on a regular basis makes you happier than occasionally finishing a huge project.

Go ahead and use that adorable to-do notepad to jot down whatever you accomplish during the day—and yes, loading the dishwasher totally counts. As the week goes by, that running list of accomplishments will lift you up so you’ll actually be able to accomplish MORE.

You can also keep your “done” list on a white board or chalkboard or in an app like Evernote. But I find it works best when it’s a tangible list I can carry around with me.

4. An Old-School Device

You picked your MITs for the day. Which is AWESOME.

Maybe you just found out a meeting was cancelled so you have 30 minutes free that you weren’t expecting. Or maybe the house just got really quiet because the kids happen to be playing independently with no fighting.

Now is your chance.

Pick one of your MITs, set a timer for 25 minutes, and GO.

Don’t check email. Don’t grab a coffee. And most importantly, don’t bounce between your MITs.

Why? Multitasking makes it harder for you to concentrate, and it adds to your stress. Not to mention that multitasking increases the amount of time it takes to finish your main task by an average of 25%.

Pick just one task, and you’ll get it done faster and be able to move onto another one.

But here’s the real must-have for this trick: An old-school kitchen timer. Now, you can use the timer on your phone or a timer app on your computer, but there’s just something magical about the mechanical click of setting a kitchen timer. That physical presence tick-tick-ticking down is a reminder to you to FOCUS on the task at hand.

I’m personally smitten with piggies, so this is my favorite kitchen timer:

But they come in all sorts of fun shapes and sizes nowadays. Maybe you like cats. Or strawberries. Or Star Wars.

Find a timer you like, and use it whenever you have a few minutes free.

5. A Reminder

Now that I’ve given you all the tools to stop feeling overwhelmed and get more done, we need to have a serious chat.

Because things will come up. You’ll sit down to focus on your one MIT, and the dog will barf all over your living room rug. Or you’ll be in a groove about to knock something off your list before your next meeting in 10 minutes, and a co-worker will come and sit down in your office for a leisurely chat.

It is during these times that I tend to lose my cool. The audacity of life to interrupt me when I’m working on my list!

I like to keep something near my main workstation to remind me that life is more than just a to-do list.

Here are my three favorite prints on Etsy that will do just that. One:

Hang these where you like to get stuff done—whether that’s in an actual office or near the kitchen table where you pay bills and make appointments. Two:

And when life comes up, glance at your reminder. Take a deep breath, and hit the mental pause button on your list. It will be there when you get back, I promise. Three:

6. A Toy

As an overachieving perfectionist type, you are driven to accomplish, accomplish, accomplish. And accomplish some more.

But here’s the thing: You are not a computer. You are not designed to run at high speeds being super productive for long stretches of time.

From productivity guru David Allen, author of Getting Things Done:

“You have to back off and be quiet. Retreat from the task at hand, so that you can gain a new perspective on what you’re doing. If you get too wrapped up in all of the stuff coming at you, you lose your ability to respond appropriately and effectively. If your inbox and your outbox are completely full, or if people are screaming at you, then it’s difficult to back off and think about things at a different level.”

All the tasks and decisions you make throughout the day wear on your brain. You need to give your brain a chance to recuperate so you don’t get burned out or turn into the Incredible Hulk with your spouse and kids.

How? Take at least one deliberate break every day. If you can afford to take more, all the better.

Some people like to exercise, which is great.

But lately, I’ve found a new favorite break-time activity: Coloring.

Just grab one of your kid’s coloring books, and start coloring. Or better yet, get one of these absolutely gorgeous coloring books designed just for adults:

Pair one of those with some pretty gel pens, coloring brush pens, or a set of fancy colored pencils, and your brain will be in heaven. (Too feminine for your taste? You can’t go wrong with Unicorns Are Jerks and the biggest box of old-school crayons on the market.)

The action of coloring calls on both logic (staying in the lines) and creativity (picking colors and color schemes), and that combo package is exactly what your type-A brain needs to chill out.

Plus, for a perfectionist, coloring carries an added benefit. You will make mistakes, and that’s okay. Don’t stop and start something new—force yourself to finish. Find beauty in the imperfection of your own creative work.

Your Turn

How do you keep your type-A personality in check? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post 6 Must-Haves for the Super Organized, Type-A Perfectionist appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Once upon a time, I read more than 100 books a year. Several years in a row.

But then a few years ago this little thing called divorce happened, and all my healthy habits like exercise and reading and not finishing an entire wine bottle in one sitting? They disappeared.

Even after my life got back on track, my reading habits didn’t pick back up to the same level. Now, I consider it a win if I finish one book a month. But honestly, even that hasn’t happened very often lately.

I know how to develop a reading habit, but I haven’t made it a priority. Should I care?

I don’t necessarily want to get back to reading 100 books a year, but I know all the benefits of reading books. A good reading habit will help reduce stress, improve your memory, and make you more creative. Not to mention reading everyday can help ward off Alzheimer’s and dementia. (And as it turns out, reading actually does make you sexy!)

How to Develop a Reading Habit: 8 Easy Tricks

With the start of the new year, I’ve been reflecting on how I used to be so successful at incorporating reading in my daily life—and what’s stopping me now.

As with anything, it’s not about finding the time to do it but about making the time. With that said, my former self had discovered some pretty good tricks for fitting in a lot of reading.

If you want to read more books, these tips will help you cultivate a reading habit so you can be smarter, less forgetful, and apparently—sexier too.

1. Borrow

Go old school and visit your local library to find a good book.

Why? Because deadlines set by other people are great motivators. Getting a book from the library gives you a built-in deadline for reading the book.

If your library’s web site has an email notification feature for due date reminders, use it. And if you’re lucky enough that your library system participates in Library Elf, you can configure exactly when you want to receive those due date reminders. Otherwise, you can set up reminders on your phone or whatever calendar system you’re already using.

2. Do It Everywhere

While I was reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, I would bring the book with me everywhere.

Nowadays, I have the Kindle app on my phone, so it’s super convenient to pull out my phone and read a paragraph or two here and there. For example:

• Bring your book along to appointments and show up early so you get a little extra time in the waiting room. Plus, you won’t have to stress about being late to your appointment because you’ll already be there!
• If you find yourself alone for lunch, don’t just eat at your desk and catch up on email. Run out to grab a quick bite, and bring a book to read while you eat.
• Read while waiting in a long line.
• Listen to the audiobook version while driving. Pro tip: Get an Audible or Libro.fm membership for access to the best audiobooks. (By the way, Libro.fm is the same price as Audible, and you’ll support a locally owned bookstore with every audiobook you choose!)
• Read while your kids are in the bathtub.
• Read in the elevator so you don’t have to make uncomfortable small talk.

Side note: I once saw a guy riding a bicycle while reading a book. Extra points for his commitment to reading, but he wasn’t even wearing a helmet!

3. Read to Your Kid

As soon as my oldest daughter could sit still longer than it takes to read Moo Baa La La La^†, I started reading chapter books to her at bedtime. And nothing that would drive me crazy like Junie B. Jones, either.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

We’ve read the absolutely fantastic Penderwicks series, every Pippi Longstocking book we could find, and recent award-winning kids’ books like Flora & Ulysses.

Pick a book that sounds good to both you and your kid, and read that at bedtime every night. Bonus: Reading to your kid 20 minutes a night is a proven investment in your child’s future.

4. Make It Social

There’s nothing like peer pressure to get you to do something. Book clubs give you that, and they also impose deadlines.

Start a monthly book club. Just make sure there’s at least one person in the book club who is committed to finishing the book. Because if your group is made up of a lot of people who won’t actually read the book, your book club will quickly devolve into a wine-and-cheese club. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s not going to get you closer to your goal of a daily reading habit.

5. Choose Carefully

Life is too short to read books you don’t really want to read. Don’t try to read books that you think you should read because they’re classics or because you think it will make you look smart.

Read the books you want to read. Read the books whose front cover descriptions get you excited to the point of drooling.

If that just so happens to be Moby Dick, fine. But if what you really want to read is a comic book or Fifty Shades of Grey, go for it. Moby Dick’s not that great anyway, trust me.

If you’re not sure what to read, sign up at Goodreads and see what your friends have read and enjoyed. Every time you come across a book you want to read, plop it into Goodreads for safe keeping so you’ll remember it later. After you use Goodreads for a while (see tip #8), it will start to learn your literary tastes and give you personalized recommendations for which books you’ll enjoy reading next.

6. Give It 50

If after 50 pages, the book’s not floating your boat, move on.

This is a lesson I’ve had to learn, and I still struggle with feeling like I should finish every book I start. But why waste your time slogging through something that isn’t grabbing you? Reading should be fun, not a chore.

In my experience, if it doesn’t grab me in the first 50 pages, it’s not going to turn around. So give yourself permission to move on to another book.

7. Make a Deal

Make a deal with yourself that you won’t do some essential daily task until you’ve read for 10 minutes. For example, you are not allowed to brush your teeth until after you read. Or maybe you can’t blow-dry your hair until you’ve read.

Not that reading should be a task on your to-do list, but you’re just trying to establish a daily habit right now by setting an action trigger. The joy will come right after you start reading, I promise!

An action trigger is when you decide in advance when and where you’ll do the task. For example, you could tell yourself: “Right before I brush my teeth every night, I’m going to read for 10 minutes.” From Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard:

…what action triggers do is create an “instant habit.” Habits are behavioral autopilot, and that’s exactly what action triggers are setting up.

Here’s the proof of the “instant habit” concept: One study showed that the single biggest predictor of whether women gave themselves a monthly breast examination was if they had a habit of doing so. When another group of women who didn’t have such a habit were asked to set action triggers, they ended up doing just as well as the women with longtime habits. By preloading a decision, they created an instant habit.

8. Track Yourself

If you want to stay motivated to meet your life goals, you need to feel like you are making good progress.

I kept a spreadsheet of which books I read, including titles, date finished, and a rating 1-10 of how much I liked it. I also used Goodreads to keep track of my reading. Goodreads has the added benefit of showing your friends what you’ve read and seeing what they’ve read—for a little extra peer pressure to keep your reading habit going.

Want More?

To get more advice on forming new healthy habits, check out 5 Ways for Busy Moms to Start a New Habit That Will Stick.

Your Turn

Do you wish you read more? Or if you’re happy with how much you read, what advice would you give someone who wants to know how to develop a reading habit? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post 8 Easy Ways to Develop a Reading Habit – From a Former Bookworm appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.