Every parent I know would love to stay calm, cool, and collected no matter what their kid throws at them.

But when your toddler unspools a roll of toilet paper into the toilet bowl and flushes, overflowing musty wastewater all over your hardwood floors?

It’s human nature. Your emotions are bound to get the better of you. While you clean up the mess, you might huff, stomp, or raise your voice in frustration.

So much for being a calm and loving parent no matter what.

The Secret to Being a Calm Parent Isn’t What You Think

I used to think that if I could just figure out the secret for becoming a “zen mama,” positive parenting would come naturally to me every moment of the day.

But then I had an epiphany that changed my whole outlook on positive parenting.

Here’s the important thing I realized: Many people want to have a happy life. But happiness isn’t something you achieve one day and check off your list.

Being a calm parent is the same way. It’s not something you check off your list and never have to think of again. It’s a temporary state.

In other words, nobody can be perfectly happy all the time, just like nobody can be a perfectly calm parent all the time.

Here’s What You Can Do: Quick Positive Parenting Videos

In order to exist in that calm parenting mode as much as possible, we need to continually inspire ourselves to be better, more chill parents.

But if we’re being honest with ourselves?

As busy parents, we don’t always have the time or mental…freshness to read long think-pieces about parenting in the New York Times.

Sure, we need to keep reminding ourselves of our positive parenting goals, but how are we supposed to focus long enough to read a whole parenting book or even an inspirational article?

My favorite quick fix is to watch one of a few powerful positive parenting videos I’ve curated over the years.

Related: 24 Best YouTube Videos for Kids to Change How They See The World

10 Positive Parenting Videos That Will Make You a Better Parent

Below, you’ll find a list of the best, most inspirational parenting videos I’ve discovered over the years. The list below includes useful tips, real-world solutions, and thoughtful guidance on how to handle your biggest parenting challenges.

But most importantly, all these videos are short—perfect for when you need a quick dose of inspiration to reclaim your zen parent status.

When you’re in survival mode and struggling to keep your cool because your kid Facetimed your boss while you were in the shower, watch one of these quick positive parenting videos and you’ll get back on track.

Go ahead and bookmark this page, and watch the videos at your own pace, like one a day or one a week. Come back to it whenever you need another dose of parenting inspiration.

Also, I know firsthand that a houseful of loud kids can make it impossible to watch even a short video. So where possible, I’ve also included snippets of quotes from the videos so you can quickly scan for inspiration.

1. What Your Child Needs to Hear

I wish I’d seen this video when I was just starting out as a parent instead of several years into my parenting journey. Because if I had, it would have made countless challenging moments so much easier—for me and my children.

While the title of the video has to do with grief, the takeaways apply to any emotional upset your child (or you) might experience in life, big or small. And the suggested phrase at the end of the video works like magic to comfort toddlers and preschoolers all the way to tweens and teenagers—and beyond.

“Why does it seem like our best efforts to help somebody feel better always backfire?

…Cheering people up, telling them to be strong and perservere, helping them move on—it doesn’t actually work…It seems counterintuitive, but the way to help someone feel better is to let them be in pain…

Acknowledgement makes things better, even when they can’t be made right.”

2. Don’t Offer Sympathy

Building on the “aha” moment from the previous video, this one quickly explains the difference between sympathy and empathy. And that’s important because if we want to teach our children empathy, we need to model it first.

“When someone’s in a deep hole and they shout out from the bottom and they say, ‘I’m stuck. It’s dark. I’m overwhelmed…’

Sympathy is: ‘Ooh, it’s bad, uh-huh? Uh…you want a sandwich?’

Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.

Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with ‘At least…” And we do it all the time. Because you know what? Someone just shared something with us that’s incredibly painful, and we’re trying to ‘silver lining’ it.”

Dr. Brené Brown

Related: Empathy Is Tough to Teach, But Here’s One Trick That Will Boost It

3. Does Your Face Light Up?

When Toni Morrison made an appearance on Oprah to talk about her books, she just so happened to drop one of the most powerful pearls of parenting wisdom I’ve ever heard.

“When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. And so, you think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them.

It’s not.

When they see you, they see the critical face. ‘What’s wrong now?’

But then if you let your…face speak what’s in your heart? When they walked in the room, I was glad to see them. It’s just as small as that.”

Toni Morrison

4. Which Wolf Will Win the Fight?

This is a powerful analogy about two wolves fighting in your heart. When I watch this, I think of the red wolf as the anger and frustration I feel as a parent—and everything clicks.

“There is a story, usually attributed to the Native American tradition, which illuminates different ways of paying attention.

An elder, talking to a child, says, ‘I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is fearful, vengeful, envious, resentful, and deceitful. The other wolf is compassionate, loving, generous, truthful, and peaceful.’

The child asks, ‘Which wolf will win the fight?’

The elder responds, ‘The one I feed.’

…That doesn’t mean we try to deny or hurt or kill the angry wolf. If we did that, we’d end up in a long battle, all the while somehow making that wolf more powerful through our hostility and fear.”

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

5. Things We Should Say More Often

This is just one of many gems from Kid President. Too often, we forget that our kids deserve the same courtesy and kindness that we would extend to one of our adult friends. Out of all these powerful + positive parenting videos, this one is most likely to put a big smile on your face!

Here’s a sample of the list…

20. Thank you. (And not just on Thanksgiving, everyday!)
19. Excuse me.
18. Here’s a surprise corn dog that I bought you because you’re my friend. (There’ll be more corn dogs and more happy people. This is a good idea!)
17. I’m sorry.
16. I forgive you.
15. You can do it!

Related: How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids {Printable}

6. Love the Kid You Have

This short film has no dialogue but always reminds me of this quote:

“Parenthood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you’d have. It’s about understanding your child is exactly the person they are supposed to be. And if you’re lucky, they might be the teacher who turns you into the person you’re supposed to be.”

The Water Giver

To read more about this short film, check out How Society Kills Your Creativity – In An Award Winning Pixar-Esque Short Film.

7. The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

This clip is from an appearance on Oprah with Dr. Brené Brown, who is a researcher, professor, and author. Dr. Brown is also a parent, and Oprah asked her to share her Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto.

Here’s a taste for you:

“Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable.

You will learn this from my words and my actions, the lessons on love, and how I treat you and how I treat myself.

I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.

You will learn that you are worthy of love belonging in joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.

We’ll share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both…”

Dr. Brené Brown

8. The Way We Talk to Kids Matters

This video is a little different than the other positive parenting videos in the list because it’s targeted to people who work in schools. Still, this one always makes me reflect on my own tone as a parent.

And when the school administrator talks to the teacher about her students’ behavior, I cringe because I have definitely done the same when telling my husband about a child’s behavior…in front of the child.

“It doesn’t have to be this way. Everyone we meet throughout our day can make a difference. All the difference.

Talk with us, not at us.

Teach us what we need to know. That’s how we get smarter.

And when you talk with us and teach us, give us bigger and bigger words. Words that we can use to read and understand. And that will take us places we could never reach without you.”

9. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen to You

Josh Shipp is a parent, author, and advocate for youth. He has a few great positive parenting videos, but this one’s my favorite.

“When you ask a kid a question, you are inviting and evoking critical thinking. And ultimately as parents, that’s what we want. A fully functioning teenage human being who—without us there, in our absence—can analyze a situation and know in that moment what the wise choice is.

Focus on questions [and] get them to come to those conclusions so they will own those conclusions for life.”

Josh Shipp

10. Your Normal May Be Their Magic

This sweet video shows a normal day from both the mother’s and the child’s perspectives. Never forget that your “normal” may be their magic.

Your Turn

What are your favorite positive parenting videos? Share in a comment below!

The post 10 Quick + Powerful Videos That Will Make You an Even Better Parent appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

My coffee cup was halfway to my mouth for that first sip of the day when the battle cries from the 5- and 6-year-old cousins drifted into my sister’s kitchen…

No, it’s MINE!
But I had it FIRST!
That’s not fair!
But I want it!

I sighed.

Then the 2-year-old shrieked, and I jumped up quickly, irritated before even entering the room. My body leaned forward, and my breath held tight in my chest. I went in hot.

And while I didn’t technically yell, my tone wasn’t much better. Maybe no one will get to have it if we can’t agree. Maybe we all need to take a break. Well, none of that is YOURS, actually, it all belongs to the 2-year-old.

Biting words. Fighting words. Words that certainly did not bring peace to the situation.

Looking into their faces with their furrowed brows and set jaws, I realized I was just reacting to their emotions instead of responding in a caring and constructive way. The opposite of mindful, calm parenting.

Bonus: Get a 3-step plan to calm parenting from Ashley, the author of this article and the mom behind the website Nurture and Thrive, when you sign up for her free Mindful Parenting email series.

The Reason We Lose Our Cool As Parents

I’m a child development psychologist. I know reacting like that doesn’t teach kids how to regulate their own emotions. I know biting words don’t help kids learn how to resolve conflict. I know kids need connection in order to cooperate.

Calm parenting is a must for healthy childhood development. And yet, I still reacted to emotion with emotion. Why?

The truth is that the less regulated we are as parents, the more likely it is that we will react to our kids, letting their emotions overcome us.

For example, I’d spent the day before on a 6-hour plane ride and was operating on less sleep and a time difference. It felt like responding to the kids’ emotions in a constructive way would take too much energy.

But I’ve discovered that one little trick for calm parenting can make all the difference between reacting and responding, even when you’re exhausted.

The Secret to Calm Parenting? The Pause

A few minutes later, the shrieks began again.

But that time, I caught myself tensing up and I paused.

I took a slow breath. I said my mantra: “Observe with an open heart.” I centered myself.

Here’s why: Research shows that saying a mantra can calm the brain. Pair that with the power of deep breathing, a proven way to halt the stress response, and you have a powerful way to center yourself. The secret to calm parenting.

After the pause, I was prepared to face the self-perceived injustice of three strong-willed boys.

After the pause, I saw their stressed faces and their struggle. I empathized – I can see you’re upset. You feel like this is unfair.

After the pause, I asked them if they could think of a way to work it out. We waded through their suggestions and settled on something everyone could agree to.

This is responding instead of reacting. This is mindful parenting – calm parenting.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

How to Be a Calm Parent: The Power of the Pause

Rapid breathing in your upper chest, tight muscles, a tight jaw, a sense of urgency – all of these are early signs of stress in the body. When you feel them, take a mindful pause.

Here’s how you can get started with this calm parenting technique:

1. Stop what you’re doing and count to 10. If you need to remove a younger child from the situation, you can pick them up, but don’t react to anything yet. Simply hold them. Count to 10 out loud in front of your kids. (Modeling how to calm down is a great bonus for teaching your children self-regulation!)
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Say your mantra. (More on this in a minute.)

Developmental psychologists now use this kind of practice as a way to strengthen relationships between parents and adolescents.

Programs that teach parents mindfulness techniques include paying attention to the breath, recognizing signs of stress in your own body, and then being able to halt that process with a pause. Parents learn how to be a calm parent – breathe mindfully and say a mantra like “stop, be calm, be present.”

But First, Choose Your Mantra

Here are some calm parenting mantras that have worked for me:

• “Ride this wave, mama”
• “Respond with grace”
• “I am their mom”
• “Choose kindness”
• “I am here for you”
• “Observe with an open heart”
• “Act with love”
• “Choose joy”
• “See how little they are”

Choose a mantra that works for you. Maybe you’d like a clear mantra that’s to the point, or perhaps you prefer one that has a deeper meaning.

After you’ve established taking a mindful pause as a habit, switch up your mantras to keep the words fresh and meaningful. Find words that inspire you, and you’ll feel empowered rather than exhausted.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}

Here’s the Best Part

What I appreciate about the pause is that it helps me thoughtfully respond to my child instead of react. But that’s not even the best part.

When you pause, you root yourself in the moment. You’re more present.

You’ll find yourself pausing for the good things too – for savoring and soaking up the sweetness and hilarity of childhood.

Like on our trip to my sister’s house. After the initial conflict, my sister reminded me that it’s always like that when the cousins first get together. They’re feeling each other out. She was right.

The next day, when it was a little too quiet I found them all huddled together amongst the vacuum and the mop, flashlights in tow, and a headlamp on the 2-year-old. They whispered to each other the stories that will form the memories of adventures with cousins – memories that will stay with them for life.

And I was present in the moment to enjoy it. I was finally able to enjoy a leisurely coffee and chat with my sister whom I don’t get to see face to face nearly enough.

Then later, when the oldest begged for a silly song to be played, we all danced like hooligans around my sister’s ottoman, right there in her living room. It’s a moment I’ll always remember.

Mindful, calm parenting can be exhausting. Being able to center yourself and weather your child’s storms takes practice. Half the battle is remembering to do it. But when you take a pause, you find your power there.

Get a Printable Plan

This is a special note from Ashley, the author of this article and the mom behind Nurture and Thrive…

I made a free printable 3-step plan to calm parenting to help you stay calm and centered. When you get the printable, you’ll also join my free Mindful Parenting email series. Just click here to get it and subscribe.

How to Catch Yourself Before You Lose Your Cool

And now one final note from Kelly, the founder of this site…

I asked Ashley to share this article with you because this is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.

Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Want More?

For more information about mindfulness, here’s a guided mindfulness exercise from the CSU Center for Mindfulness.

Your Turn

What’s your best trick for calm parenting? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Stop Losing Your Cool With Your Kids—With a Powerful Pause appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

I stood outside my kids’ bedroom door, smiling as I listened to them wrestle and laugh while they were supposed to be putting their pajamas on.

During the day, I’d checked off a handful of items on my to-do list, I’d gotten my kids where they needed to go on time (well, mostly on time), and no one was sick or seriously injured.

Today seemed like a win.

But then my smile slipped, and that relief and gratification started to fade away. New feelings of emptiness and guilt settled deep in my gut.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining our weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you enjoy motherhood, backed by science.

Here’s What I Realized

After a full day of being a mom to my sweet young kids, I didn’t take the time to stop and be fully present with them. I wasn’t enjoying motherhood.

Instead, my thoughts of daily tasks and to-do’s took control of my day.

• I didn’t tune into the excitement in my daughter’s voice as she told me all about her solo in the upcoming school concert. How did I forget to pull dinner out of the freezer again?
• I missed taking a pause during our naptime story to appreciate my 3-year old’s dimple that’s already starting to fade away. Just two more minutes until freedom!
• I didn’t enjoy the 15 blissful minutes where all three of my kids played with kinetic sand – without fighting. What a mess! I’d better go get the vacuum.

Why Regret Keeps Coming Back

I start out every day with the best intentions of finding time to connect with and enjoy my time with these little people who also happen to be my favorite people.

Papers to sign, field trip money to send, lunches to be made – and that’s just the first three minutes of the day. So much to do and never enough time to do it all.

When you’re caught up in the current of day-to-day tasks, it can feel more like being pulled in by an undertow.

But I don’t want to spend motherhood pulled under and dragged around by all the doing at the expense of being with my kids.

So my question became: What’s the secret to enjoying motherhood when the daily work of motherhood drags you down?

The Biggest Hurdle to Enjoying Motherhood

From my training as a family therapist, I know that our brains are wired for survival. They keep us going, even under stress. This means we can perform many tasks throughout the day without thinking much about them. In the span of 10 minutes, we can chop veggies for dinner, mediate a sibling fight, and restart the laundry in the dryer (again).

What makes this possible is our implicit – or automatic – memory.

Implicit memory helps us be the masterful multitaskers that we need to be – like when the stomach flu hits at 2:00 am and we have to become a carpet cleaner, nurse, and laundress all at once. But implicit memory can also get us into trouble.

When we engage in thoughts and behaviors from implicit (subconscious) memory on a regular basis, we find ourselves in a state of mom auto-pilot. In other words, we’re productive but not awake or intentionally engaged in enjoying motherhood.

In essence, our brains are designed to survive and function under stress, but they cannot thrive under stress.

But thanks to recent brain research, we now know an effective and powerful way to take charge of this mom autopilot mode so we can get back to enjoying motherhood.

Get Your Copy + Bonus Workbook: Happy You, Happy Family

The Secret to Enjoying Motherhood, According to Science

Most moms want to live intentionally and spend more time in being mode and less in doing mode. We want to enjoy time with our kids and not just view them as a set of tasks to be checked off.

The good news? Science has found a powerful key to slowing down and enjoying your child. It’s something we are all capable of, and we can do it anywhere at any time.

Mindfulness.

This is a buzzword nowadays because of how powerful it can be, but mindfulness just means being aware of the current moment in a kind and non-biased way. This could be as simple as putting a thought into words or paying attention to your bodily sensations. (More on what that really means in a minute.)

When you tune into the here and now by noticing thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, you engage an important area of the brain known as the pre-frontal cortex. This area of the brain helps you regulate your behaviors and emotions. In other words, that part of the brain allows us to be the calm, responsive, and loving moms we want to be.

But when you operate on mom auto-pilot, your pre-frontal cortex is not engaged, so you’re more likely to be reactive, tuned out, and stressed.

Looking back on the days when I’ve found myself in mom auto-pilot mode, this explains why I get to the end of the day and feel that tug of regret for how the day went.

3 Simple But Powerful Steps Every Busy Mom Can Take to Enjoy Motherhood

Here are three quick and easy mindfulness tricks even busy moms can squeeze in periodically throughout the day.

These techniques will help you move from doing to being in the moment, but their magic goes even further than that.

Every time you take a minute to use one of these tricks, you’ll actually build new pathways in your brain. Over time, strengthening your mind in this way will translate to the rest of your day, and you’ll experience more positive moments with your kids – even without consciously using one of these techniques.

Related: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now…Using 5 Hair Ties {Printable}

1. Observe Like a Friend

While attending a professional training on mindfulness, I was surprised to learn that approximately 80 percent of our daily thoughts are negative. Many of our thoughts are what’s considered “automatic,” meaning they happen very quickly and originate from our past experiences or circumstances.

Because thoughts are often fast-moving and subconscious, your thoughts can sometimes be inaccurate and unhelpful – to put it mildly. The best way to stop letting unhelpful thoughts control you and your thinking is to step back to observe your thoughts from the outside, through a lens of kindness towards yourself.

Some moms find it helpful to talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend.

For example, you might say, “Wow, I’m really beating myself up over forgetting the classroom treat. I’m really hard on myself when I make a mistake. I can give myself the same grace and forgiveness that I try to give my child. I’m doing the best I can.”

Or as another example: “I just snapped at the kids over something small, and I think it’s because the living room floor is cluttered with all the kids’ toys. It’s common for clutter to cause stress, and it’s understandable that it’s frustrating me. I can ask the kids to help me tidy up so we can play a quick game of Duck, Duck, Goose.”

2. Forget About Bears

Remember how our brains are wired for survival? This means our minds grab onto the negatives in our environment much easier than the positives. This is how our brains keep us from zoning out while staring at a pretty flower when a bear is chasing us down. But because we aren’t necessarily running away from bears on a daily basis any longer, we need to take control of our unhelpful survival instincts.

To do this, notice and describe the details of pleasant experiences.

For example, while watching your kids play together without fighting, you might notice and describe the bodily sensations: “I feel warm in my chest, relaxed, and full of gratitude.”

3. Think of a Label

In the course of a busy day as a parent, it’s tempting to avoid unpleasant feelings by turning to food, scrolling through our Facebook feed, or even exercise. Noticing negative emotions can be uncomfortable, so we often develop patterns of coping that seem helpful in the moment. But unfortunately, they’re not helpful in the long-term.

The next time you feel a strong emotion, label that emotion and allow yourself to sit with the feeling. Use just a word or two to describe how you’re feeling, starting with “I’m feeling…”

Research shows that the simple act of labeling a strong emotion and acknowledging it can allow the emotion pass through – whereas trying to deny an emotion can derail your good intentions for the rest of the day.

By the way, the phrasing “I’m feeling angry” is important compared to just “I’m angry.” The extra word “feeling” helps you separate the emotion you’re experiencing from your sense of self. It’s a lot easier to overcome a negative emotion when you label it as something you’re feeling instead of something you are.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things {Printable}

Before You Go: An Important Note on Mindfulness

To be clear, mindfulness is not a quick one-time fix. You can’t do one of these techniques one time and expect to suddenly enjoy every moment of motherhood from there forward. As anything in life that’s worthwhile, shifting to parenting with mindfulness takes intention and a commitment to enjoying motherhood.

But these small practices give you a practical and meaningful way to slow down your busy days so you can enjoy motherhood again. Parents who use these tricks regularly even report that they feel like they have more time in their days.

More time to breathe in the sights, sounds, and smells of those tiny people who keep you busy from sunup to sundown.

This quote from mindfulness expert Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn says it best:

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”

Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn

Mindfulness gives us an anchor as moms, allowing us to slow down and stand strong amidst the undertow of busyness.

And that is an invaluable gift in our stressed out and fast-paced world: the gift of learning how to enjoy being a mom so we get to the end of every day feeling a sense of deep fulfillment instead of nagging regret.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re struggling to enjoy motherhood, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take. Use this cheat sheet to help you get back to enjoying motherhood. You’ll get a reminder for the previous tip plus 6 bonus quick fixes. For the full story behind each quick fix, check out How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join our weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock^† would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Note: The research for this article is based on the 8-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training Angela completed with her therapy clinic. Get more information about The Mindful Academy International or mindfulness training from accredited MBSR teacher Tina Romenesko here.

Your Turn

What’s your secret to enjoying motherhood? Share in a comment below!

The post How Your Brain Stops You From Enjoying Motherhood—And How to Fix It appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

A couple months ago while my husband and I were making dinner, my toddler walked up to me and held one hand up for me to see, fingers spread out.

“Hey, sweetie.” I could see something dark on her fingers, but I wasn’t close enough to see what it was.

I stepped closer. “Oh no.”

“What?” Ty asked.

I turned and ran in the opposite direction towards the closet where we keep the diapers.

And in my rush, I missed seeing something in my path. My feet got tangled up, and I hit the floor, just barely catching myself with my hands.

I looked back to see what tripped me up. My preschooler’s shoes, left right in the middle of the hallway.

“Bailey!” I yelled.

I stood up and grabbed a diaper, then scooped up my toddler like a sack of potatoes and headed towards the living room floor.

“Bailey!” Louder this time. She must have been upstairs in the kids’ playroom.

As I bent down to start the diaper change, my knee throbbed from the fall. “Bailey!” Even louder.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins because of the poop-mergency. Because of the fall. Because I was being ignored.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child that will make them feel loved.

And Then She Peeked Around the Corner

“What, Mommy?” Innocence on her little face, not malice. But I missed it because I was hopped up on stress hormones.

“You can’t leave your shoes in the hallway like that! I tripped and fell because you didn’t put your shoes away.”

Her chin dropped to her chest. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t do that again.” I flinched at my sharp words.

She turned and walked away, head still hanging.

After I finished up the diaper change and sent the toddler on her way, I sat there and couldn’t hold it back.

The shame spilled over onto my cheeks and then my lap.

What’s wrong with me?

Here’s the Disconnect

My personal goal is to talk to my kids with the same level of respect and kindness that I use to talk to my husband. The good news is that for the most part, I do talk to my oldest and my youngest that way.

But my poor middle child.

Something about the preschooler-ness of my preschooler was turning me into an angry mother every time I opened my mouth to talk to her.

I needed help.

Hair Ties to the Rescue for Every Angry Mother

How many times have you set a goal – to exercise more, or to eat healthier, or to stop watching Friends re-runs on Netflix so you can get to bed at a decent hour – only to revert back to the status quo after a few days or a couple weeks?

This is where habits will save you. They work because they put your brain on autopilot so you don’t even have to muster up the willpower to do something. You just go through your normal routine, and it happens.

Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, and guzzling that first cup of coffee in the morning are all examples of things you might do on autopilot.

Unfortunately for me, I’d developed a bad habit of talking sharply to my preschooler. My brain was on autopilot headed in the wrong direction towards being an angry mother.

I flipped open my book Happy You, Happy Family to the chapter titled “Break the Bad Habits” and re-read it.

And I realized the solution to breaking my bad habit: hair ties.

Let Me Explain

Visual cues are a powerful science-backed tool that will remind you to avoid a bad habit when you’re most likely to slip back into it.

For example, if you were trying to eat healthier, you could leave a bright Post-It Note on the fridge to remind yourself that “Snack = veggies only.” Or if you were trying to start a morning exercise habit, you could set your workout clothes on your nightstand the night before.

I decided my visual cue would be 5 hair ties.

Why? Because a few years ago, I’d read a blog post about using rubber bands as a visual parenting cue.

This isn’t a new idea. But I added my own research-backed spin to pack an even bigger punch to knock down that angry mother habit once and for all.

Get Your Copy + Bonus Workbook: Happy You, Happy Family

How to Stop Being an Angry Mother With 5 Hair Ties

If you’ve been snapping at your kid more than you feel comfortable with, follow these steps:

1. Find 5 hair ties that will be comfortable to wear around your wrist. We bought this pack of 100^† as a stocking stuffer for the girls last year, and by some miracle, we still have a few left, and they’re super comfortable on the wrist. But you could use anything that’s comfortable and easy to get on and off – thin bangle bracelets like this or just plain old rubber bands.
2. When your kids wake up in the morning, put the hair ties around one of your wrists. It’s important to wait until they wake up because visual cues won’t work very well if they blend into the background and you stop noticing them – kind of like wallpaper. In other words, once you get used to seeing the cue in your environment, the cue is no longer effective. To prevent that, you’ll:
   • Put the hair ties on when your kids wake up.
   • Take them off when you’ll be away from your kids, like if you leave the house for work or an appointment or if the kids go down for a nap or leave for school.
   • When you’re with the kids again, put your hair ties back on.
3. If you catch yourself snapping at your kiddo, move one hair tie to the other wrist. But your goal is actually to make it to the end of the day with all 5 hair ties on the original wrist. So what do you do if you slip up…?
4. You can “earn back” one hair tie by doing 5 simple things to reconnect with your kid. Research shows that to have a healthy relationship, for every one negative interaction you need 5 positive interactions to balance that out. It’s called the Magic 5:1 Ratio, and here’s a list of a few ideas for how to get those 5 positive interactions on the books as fast as possible, from a hug to a dance party and everything in between.
   • Pro tip: Grab a set of our Family Connection Cards and use those to help you reconnect with your child. The Family Connection Cards are based on the science of what actually works when you need to connect with your child, so you’ll both end up feeling loved and connected, plus you’ll stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

What if you have more than one child you’re struggling to keep your temper with? Because the goal is to earn back a hair tie as soon as possible after you slip up, you can use one set of 5 hair ties for the whole day. In other words, you don’t need a separate set of 5 hair bands for each kid.

After you have a negative interaction with one of your kids, try to get 5 positive interactions with that child as soon as possible to reset that hair band to the original wrist.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio {Printable}

But Does This Really Work?

I was skeptical because…hair ties? Really?

But I needed to try something different, and a few hair ties on my wrist certainly wasn’t going to hurt anyone.

As it turned out, the visual cue of the hair ties coupled with the gentle pressure on my wrist was a magical combination.

The first morning I wore them at home with my preschooler and toddler, I didn’t snap once. All I’d needed was a little nudge to jolt myself out of that angry mother habit.

Later I did snap, but I was highly motivated to move that hair tie back to the other wrist, so we repaired the damage quickly.

The only negative that came out of it was that later that day, Bailey noticed the hair ties.

She pointed to my wrist. “Take those off, Mommy.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re for your hair, not your arm.”

“Well, I need to wear these. It’s like Wonder Woman and her bracelets. These hair ties give me superpowers and make me a Super Mommy and help me stay happy.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Are you telling the truth?”

I nodded. “I’m telling the truth.”

She was quiet for a few seconds, staring at my wrist. Then: “Can you fly too?”

Related: 10 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child {Printable}

What About the Wallpaper Effect?

I thought all this was a fluke. That it would wear off over time, and I’d revert to being an angry mother with my middle kid.

Months later, the hair tie hack is still working wonders. I talk to my preschooler with love and kindness in my voice instead of annoyance and frustration.

We even had an unfortunate incident with a black Sharpie, the carpet, and every stuffed animal in the house. But I didn’t raise my voice. I didn’t use unkind words. I calmly approached my preschooler and asked her what she was working on while gently slipping the marker out of her hands.

She explained that she was marking the animals so everyone would know they belong to her. Made no sense to me, but I guess ranchers do it to cattle, so why not preschoolers to stuffed animals? (The carpet was just collateral damage.)

I kept my tone in check and explained that markers are for paper only. That the marker would never wash off. Not even from her lovey, Wilbur the pig.

She’s used to washable markers washing right off, so hearing that last bit crumpled her little face, making me extra glad I hadn’t raised my voice to add insult to injury.

But Here’s What I Didn’t Expect

Lately, I’ve been flying hair-tie-free here and there to see if my new habit will stick to keep that angry mom voice at bay.

And it has. But that’s not the surprising part.

Ever since I started wearing the hair ties when I’m around my preschooler, her behavior has been night and day different:

• She doesn’t take toys from her little sister as much as she used to.
• She doesn’t blow up over small hiccups in the day.
• And she’s more compliant with my requests, like a reminder to take a potty break, or asking for her to pick up her toys, or suggesting she pretend she’s an archeologist and I’m the dinosaur bones she’s digging for so I can just lay on the couch and close my eyes.

Because I speak to her with more respect, she speaks to me with more respect.

Because every little thing isn’t a crisis for me to freak out about, she can look for solutions instead of feeling shame about the problem.

Because she feels more loved, she’s capable of giving more love.

Related: The 3-Letter Word That Will Overhaul the Way You Discipline Your Child

Before You Go, A Cautionary Tale

The night of the Sharpie incident, my husband Ty had a conference call so I flew solo on the bedtime routine. I got all the girls tucked in, then went straight to making a tea.

While the water boiled, I took my hair ties off.

Approximately 2.7 seconds later, a blonde head appeared next to me.

I sighed. “It’s time for bed, Bailey.”

I took her by the hand and led her back upstairs to bed.

This played out 11 more times in the span of an hour. And even though my hair ties were off, I didn’t lose my temper, and I didn’t speak sharply.

But my frustration must have been clear from my tone punctuated with sighs and the bone-tiredness of my body language.

Ty finished his call and came into the living room to find me staring at the wall, waiting for the next round.

“Bailey’s still awake,” I said.

“Still?” He glanced at the clock.

“She may be waiting for a hug and kiss from Daddy before she can settle down. Or maybe she’s stressed about Wilbur’s marker stains.”

He headed upstairs, and after a few minutes, he came back down the stairs chuckling to himself.

“What?” I asked.

“I went to tuck her in, and the first thing she said was, ‘Daddy, can you tell Mommy to put her hair ties on?'”

I laughed. “What did you say?”

“I told her, ‘I think if you just went to sleep, Mommy would be fine.'”

“Oh, but that would be too easy.” I shook my head. “I should probably go smooth things over, huh?”

He smiled. “It wouldn’t hurt.”

So I trudged up the stairs for the last time of the night, hopefully.

I opened the door to her room and stepped on something squishy. I bent over to pick it up. Wilbur the pig.

She’s had this pig since she was a baby, she insists Wilbur is a girl just like her, and it goes with her everywhere. Many a freakout have happened when Wilbur couldn’t be located in time for bedtime, or leaving for the airport, or before sitting down to watch Charlotte’s Web again.

“Hey sweetie,” I said, walking towards the bed. “Why is Wilbur on the floor?”

“Because she’s ruined now. She has markers all over her.” It was dark, but I could hear the grief in her voice.

“Oh,” I said, bending down next to the bed.

As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I brought Wilbur up to my face. “You know what, Bailey?”

“What?”

“These are some really cool tattoos you gave Wilbur.”

“Tattoos?”

“Oh yeah. I don’t know any other pigs with tattoos like this. It makes her absolutely one-of-a-kind.”

She held out her arms, and I tucked Wilbur in under her chin.

Then we were quiet for a few seconds while I played with her hair.

I was about to stand up, but then: “Mommy?”

“What, honey?”

“Do you have your hair ties on?”

I smiled. “No, I don’t.”

“You’re a Super Mommy anyway without them.”

A sudden lump in my throat made it impossible to speak, so I just hugged her for a while.

As it turns out, that 14th trip up the stairs was the charm for Bailey…and for me.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

After a negative interaction, you feel the distance between you and your child, but it’s not always easy to know how to close the gap with your child so you both feel loved and connected. Use this cheat sheet of 75 positive things to say to your child so you can reconnect with your child after those tough moments and “earn” back a hair tie.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective.
4. Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

How to Catch Yourself Before You Lose Your Cool

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family. In the book, you get a Temper-Taming Toolkit with simple hacks like this to help you keep your cool during those everyday parenting moments that test your patience.

Click here to get your copy plus a bonus workbook and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

What helps you get back on track when you’re feeling like an angry mother? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Right Now—Using 5 Hair Ties appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

If I had a whole day free to do whatever I wanted with no work commitments or kid wrangling and money was no object, I know exactly what I’d pick.

Sleep. Just sleep.

Here’s why:

• My eldest didn’t sleep through the night until she was four, when the anti-sticker chart saved us
• At the age of one, my middle child went a whole month without sleeping a full night
• I night-weaned her after the Month of No Sleep, but then the only way she’d fall asleep and stay asleep was with me lying next to her so she could wrap her little fingers up in my hair

Translation? Chronic sleep deprivation of the parental variety.

Then last year, we reached a turning point. Finally, finally both big kids were sleeping through the night.

The turning point happened to come while I was eight months pregnant, which meant I didn’t have to haul my hugely pregnant body out of bed in the middle of the night to put a toddler back to sleep. Goodbye, sleep-deprived mom!

Here Comes Baby Number Three

When my third little one was born last summer, she surprised the heck out of us by sleeping through the night at six weeks old.

I’d heard of this happening from fellow parents, but honestly, I thought they were stretching the truth a bit. I didn’t actually believe babies were capable of sleeping through the night.

From the newborn stage to four months old, baby Charlie slept through the night about 90 percent of the time.

And then.

The four-month sleep regression.

She. Just. Wouldn’t. Freaking. Sleep.

We did all the “right” things—playing white noise, sticking to a schedule so she didn’t get over-tired, putting her down drowsy but awake.

Stuff that all worked when she was a couple months old. But now? Nope.

Related: This Simple Chart Will Make Your Kid Sleep Through the Night

We Tried Everything

Putting her down “drowsy but awake” pissed her off majorly, signing us up for an extra 45 minutes or more to get her settled back down again.

Then she’d wake up all through the night, requiring Herculean effort from us to get her back to sleep. Even trading off between my husband and me wasn’t enough to cope.

I paced the house with her at one in the morning. Two. Three. Sometimes all in a row in the same night.

I stumbled over my own feet. When my toddler woke up in the morning, I’d lie on the couch and tell her to pretend she’s a doctor and I’m a very, very sick patient. My husband started a steady IV drip of coffee to get through every workday.

We turned into zombies.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things

I Became a Desperately Sleep-Deprived Mom

It wasn’t selfish of us to want more sleep. Lack of sleep will lower your IQ, make it harder to be happy, and even increase your risk of an early death.

DEATH.

Zombies, indeed.

But I’d read the baby sleep books. I’d tried everything. If I couldn’t get my kids to sleep all night, could I hack my own sleep habits for more rest?

And so I read countless blog posts. Skimmed book after book. Messaged friends on Facebook to ask about their sleep routines.

I ate, breathed, and slept sleep.

Related: 7 Things to Do When You’re Stuck Under a Sleeping Baby

How to Get Better Sleep: 20 Science-Backed Hacks for Tired Parents

In this post, I compiled all the best science-backed sleep tips from my research. But unlike a lot of posts on kid-induced sleep deprivation, these sleep hacks are for you and your own sleep because that is completely within your control, even if your kid won’t cooperate. In other words, put your oxygen mask on first, my fellow tired parent.

You won’t find suggestions like “get more exercise” or “replace your mattress” on this list. All these suggestions for how to get better sleep are relatively easy and doable because I know what it’s like to be a sleep-deprived mom. Try a few of these to get out of sleep crisis mode, then you can entertain the idea of tackling big-ticket sleep fixes.

Naps

If you aren’t already napping as a way to catch up on sleep, you should be. Even five minutes can help. And who doesn’t have five minutes? The brain boost that you get from a nap even outperforms the effects of caffeine.

1. Prep Your Kids—If you’re home during the day, you can grab a power nap while your kid naps or even set an older kid up to play independently while you catch some zzz’s.
2. Nap at Work—If you work outside the home, nap in your car during your lunch break or in between meetings. A short nap can make you more productive and alert, so don’t feel bad about taking a quick break. And hey, it’s a lot healthier than taking a smoke break or hitting up the vending machines. This is why pilots, air traffic controllers, and nurses grab power naps while on the job. Before I left my corporate career, a nap in my car during lunch is what saved me many days.
3. Go Short or Long—The optimal length of time for a nap depends on what effect you’re going for: 25 minutes or less is best for a quick boost in energy and focus. But if you nap somewhere between 30 minutes and 85 minutes, you’ll likely wake up pretty groggy. For a deeper sleep, set your alarm for 90 minutes because that’s a full sleep cycle.
4. Try a Coffee Nap—If you want to try a power nap but you’re worried you’ll sleep through an alarm, I have an easy fix for you. Drink coffee right before you lay down. The caffeine will take about 20 minutes to kick in, so you’ll wake up feeling refreshed with an extra jolt from the caffeine. Read more about this sleep hack to make sure you get the maximum effect.
5. Find 20 Minutes—You can go super hardcore and train your body to get as little as two hours of sleep and still feel as well-rested as you do after eight hours. It’s called polyphasic sleep, and you’ll need to read The 4-Hour Body^† to get the details on how to make it happen. But the simplest and most realistic approach is adding one 20-minute nap during the day, which means you need just six hours of sleep at night.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Your Bedtime Routine

1. Eliminate the Blue—During the hour before your bedtime, put your smartphone away. No television, tablet, or computer time, either. The blue light emitted by those devices confuses your body. This is because your brain interprets the blue light as sunshine and tells your body to wake up. If you need to work on your computer up until bedtime, try f.lux. At night, this free software changes the lighting of your computer screen to look like indoor lighting instead of the sun. (Available for Mac OS, Windows, and Linux.) For iOS devices, a recent Apple update included a Night Shift mode to switch the blue light to a warmer orange hue. (p.s. Do you know what emits absolutely zero blue light? A book. So consider reading in bed until you get sleepy.)
2. Hide the Standbys—Now it’s time for a light hunt. After the sun goes down, take some black electrical tape and cover up all the little standby lights in your bedroom—from the cable box to the air purifier. Or if you’d prefer, get a sleeping mask like this one recommended by the author of The 4-Hour Body or try this highly rated mask on Amazon. If you can’t live without a night-light, make sure it’s a red one.
3. Hit the Sweet Spot—Try changing the room temperature to between 67 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit. According to The 4-Hour Body, feeling too warm can disrupt your sleep. What to do if your partner likes it warmer than you do? Stick a foot out of your covers like this.
4. Fix Cold Feet—But if you tend to get cold easily, consider wearing socks to bed. Cold feet can disrupt your nighttime sleep.
5. Be Consistent—It pains me to include this tip because I’m a rule-breaking sort of person, but it really does help to have a consistent bedtime. When your body can count on a consistent bedtime, it’ll help you out by producing sleep hormones at the right time. But if you stay up late, your body will actually pump stress hormones through your body. Newsflash: Stress hormones don’t make you sleepy.
6. Drink Less—You’ve probably learned the hard way not to drink coffee too late in the day. Likewise, don’t drink alcohol in the hour or two before your bedtime. Buzzkill, I know. But the booze will keep you from getting a restorative deep sleep. In fact, The 4-Hour Body says that more than two glasses of wine within four hours of sleep cuts your deep sleep by 20 to 50 percent.
7. Treat Yourself—You’ll do better removing caffeine and alcohol from your night-time routine if you can replace it with something new, like this Soothing Caramel Bedtime Tea. You can find lots of night-time teas at the store, but this is the best one I’ve tried.
8. Drown out Sound—White noise. Get some. With some gentle background noise, your sleep won’t be disturbed when the cat knocks over the LEGO tower your kid left in the middle of the living room. You can find two sleep apps listed in this post, or try my favorite White Noise app called…White Noise. If you don’t like the popular brown noise or the research-proven pink noise, you may like the sounds of a rainstorm. Or a cat purring. Or a Tibetan singing bowl. Plus, you can get more sounds for free from the White Noise Market. Get the app, stick your phone in a sound dock, and get ready to zonk out.
9. Set Your Alarm Right—When you set your alarm, keep in mind that 90 minutes is the length of a full sleep cycle and set your alarm in increments of 90 minutes. 7 hours? No good. But 7.5 hours is perfect. Check out the details on this sleep hack here, plus an app that will help you get it right every night.
10. Try a Snack—If you tend to wake up feeling tired even after a full night’s sleep, low blood sugar might be to blame. The 4-Hour Body recommends eating two tablespoons of almond butter on celery sticks before you hit the sack. A couple other options recommended by that author: a mandarin orange and a handful of almonds, or plain low-fat (but not fat-free) yogurt plus an apple.

Trouble Falling Asleep

1. Empty Your Head—If you get all ready for bed and can’t fall asleep because your mind won’t stop, keep a notepad and pen by your bed and write down whatever’s on your mind. Pretend you’re Dumbledore siphoning off your memories in the Pensieve.
2. Breathe With the Light—Try the Dodow light. You put this small, soft light in your bedroom, then synchronize your breathing with the pulsating light. You fall asleep faster, and it shuts off automatically after a short time. This doesn’t work for everyone (it worked for a friend of mine, but not for my sleep-challenged husband!), so make sure to purchase from a retailer with a good return policy so that if it doesn’t work out for you, you can take it back.
3. Get Up—If you end up in bed for 10 minutes and still can’t sleep, it’s better to get up and do something for a bit, then try again. The key is to do something that won’t wake you up. For example, don’t break out your P90X DVDs, and definitely don’t watch TV. (See earlier point about screen time before bed.)

Waking Up

1. Don’t Snooze—Skip the snooze button. It’ll just make you feel more drowsy.
2. Watch the Sunrise—First thing when you wake up in the morning, open your curtains for a big dose of sunshine. This will clue your body into the fact that it’s time to wake up and cut down on grogginess. Or if you wake up before the sun’s out, try a SmartSleep light. According to The 4-Hour Body, getting the right kind of light first thing upon waking will actually help you fall asleep faster at night.

Your Turn

How do you get better sleep as a sleep-deprived mom? Share your tip in a comment below!

The post How to Get Better Sleep As a Sleep-Deprived Mom (Yes, Really) appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

The whole house shook under an epic tantrum while I vacuumed the house one Sunday night. But it wasn’t from my toddler. Not my one-year-old either.

The tantrum came from me.

I’m not even sure what set me off. It could have been that while I was vacuuming the living room rug, the kids were pulling all the toys back out of their bins – the toys I’d just put away – and spreading them all over the living room. It could have been that I glanced back to see where my infant was, only to find her chewing on the power cord. It could have been my chocolate intake that day was dangerously low.

Maybe all of the above.

“Bailey! I just put those away!”

“I’m so sick of having junk everywhere!”

“This toy belongs in the playroom only. It’s not safe for your little sister. If I see it in the living room one more time, it’s going in the trash!”

Not my finest parenting moment.

Especially because I wrote a book about how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. So I should know better, right?

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you be a happier parent, backed by science.

But Here’s the Truth

If your goal is to be a happy mother 100 percent of the time, your goal is unrealistic. Nobody is happy 100 percent of the time.

Even after you try the happiness hacks in this post, you need to understand that there will come a time when you slip up. You’ll be running late when you realize someone moved your car keys and they’re nowhere to be found. Or maybe you’ll snap at your kids. Or you might throw a full-on temper tantrum while vacuuming.

You are not a failure.

No matter how many healthy habits and systems you put in place, you will encounter small frustrations and annoyances every day. But you don’t want to go on a rampage just because you stepped on a LEGO your kid forgot to pick up. Letting the little stuff go feels exponentially better than knowing you could blow a gasket any moment.

Not to mention that when you lose it, the collective mood of your whole family suffers. Research shows the bad mood of one person can bring down the mood of everyone else in the family.

Two Important Things Happy Moms Don’t Do

Before we get to the list of positive steps you can take toward your quest of how to be a happy mom, we need to get on the same page with two important issues:

• Don’t try to simply deny that you feel frustrated or annoyed. Bottling up negative feelings just makes those feelings worse.
• On the other hand, venting isn’t always helpful either. Complaining keeps you focused on the problem instead of a solution, plus it’s bad for your brain and your health.

Don’t bottle it up, but don’t vent it either. Um…so what can you do?

Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}

How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 Fast Fixes to Try

Above all, remember that even the happiest moms have unhappy moments. When you’re feeling a little off or even if you’re teetering on the brink of losing your temper, try these science-backed tricks to get back on track. I even made a handy printable, which you can get below to hang on your fridge and help you remember how to be a happier mom.

Some days you might need one of these quick solutions, and other days you might need a handful to find your happy again.

On the day I lost it while vacuuming? The magic formula for me was number 1, number 2, and number 7. Not only did I resist the urge to throw my kids’ toys in the trash, but afterward we laughed if off and invented a new supervillain: The Terrible Tantruming Vacuumer. The kids thought it was fun to poke fun at Mom by pretending to tantrum while vacuuming, but I got the last laugh – sitting on the couch while they giggled and vacuumed.

Get the Free Cheat Sheet: 7 Quick Fixes to Help You Be a Happier Mom

1. Label Your Feeling

Use a word or two to describe how you’re feeling, starting with “I’m feeling…” For example: “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I’m feeling annoyed.”

Here’s why this works: When you’re stressed, your brain – or more specifically, the amygdala of your brain – becomes hyper-vigilant. Your brain interprets even the smallest of everyday annoyances as a threat against your survival. That’s the amygdala (uh-mig-duh-luh) at work. But labeling your emotions in just a few words tells the amygdala to settle down.

One important caveat: The phrasing “I’m feeling angry” is important compared to just “I’m angry.” The extra word “feeling” helps you separate the emotion you’re experiencing from your sense of self. It’s a lot easier to overcome anger when you label it as something you’re feeling instead of something you are. You are not the hot-headed Anger dude from the movie Inside Out. You’re just feeling angry feelings.

2. Do Three Rounds of 3-1-6

To catch your body from unleashing a full-fledged fight-or-flight response, do this:

1. Breathe in for three seconds. Count out “one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand” in your head to make sure you don’t rush it.
2. Hold the breath for one second.
3. Exhale for six seconds.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 three times.

As you exhale, you may notice that you feel calmer. This is because this breathing technique^† stops your body’s stress response and lowers your heart rate.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

3. Say, “It’s Not About Me”

Let’s say you discovered your kid took money from your wallet and lied to you about it. Reframe the situation by saying, “It’s not about me. She must be having a bad day.”

To be clear, the point of this trick is not to excuse inappropriate behavior from your kid. The goal is to keep your temper in check so you can deal with the situation in a productive way.

Because when you react like a sleep-deprived drill sergeant, you risk introducing fear and stress into the situation. When fear and stress are involved, your child’s brain is flat-out incapable of learning anything from the situation. And my guess is that you’d rather your kid learn an important lesson than cower in fear.

4. Hug It Out

Remember this from number 1? When you experience a negative emotion, the amygdala of your brain comes to life like an over-reactive car alarm. Then your brain shuts down to logic and interprets every little thing as a threat.

To find happiness as a parent, you need your amygdala to chill out. One reliable way to do that is to hug a loved one. Because when you hug the right way, you get the happy chemicals oxytocin and serotonin flowing. Those are the chemicals that boost your mood and promote bonding. In particular, oxytocin reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.

But here’s the important part: You need to hold a hug for at least six seconds in order to get this benefit.

Related: Why You’re Hugging All Wrong – And How to Fix It

5. Shake It Up

You’ve probably already heard that exercise boosts your endorphins, which is a chemical that helps you fight stress. Exercise also prompts your body to release a special protein called BDNF, which stands for Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor. This protein is like a reset switch for your brain, so you typically feel at ease and happier after exercising. And after an angry outburst, physical activity helps flush the adrenaline from your system.

You’re a busy parent, so I’m not suggesting you go for an hour-long run every time your mood dips. But I have found one way to increase my daily physical activity that’s actually fun for me and my kids.

A family dance party.

Research shows that music cuts your stress, for example by reducing levels of the stress hormone cortisol. What’s more, babies and toddlers get a big dose of happy when moving their bodies to a rhythmic beat. Next time you and/or your kids feel a case of the crankies coming on, fire up your favorite playlist and dance away the bad mojo.

Related: 12 Happy Songs: Dance Music for Kids and Parents, Too!

6. Hack Your Sleep

If you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re missing out on a big win when it comes to how to be a happy mom.

Unless you happen to be part of the tiny, tiny percent of people who can thrive on less than seven hours of sleep a night, research has shown time and time again that lack of sleep will stand in the way of your daily happiness.

If you aren’t already napping as a way to catch up on sleep, you should be. But, but, but…, I can hear you thinking.

I’m too busy. I can’t fall asleep during the day. I have a day job. Whatever your excuse, forget about it for now. Just try a nap. If it doesn’t work out for you after you give it an honest chance, then so be it.

The optimal length of time for a nap depends on what effect you’re going for:

• For a quick boost in energy and focus, 25 minutes or less is best.
• If you nap somewhere between 30 minutes and 85 minutes, you’ll likely wake up pretty groggy.
• For a deeper sleep, set your alarm for 90 minutes because that’s a full sleep cycle.

7. Challenge Yourself to 5 Good Acts

Science shows that in happy relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. If you’re feeling like your quest to be a happy mom is in danger, make sure to get five positive interactions on the books as fast as possible.

What counts as a positive interaction? This could be as simple as giving your child or your partner a hug, saying “I love you,” or telling a joke. Print my go-to list of 30 simple ways to hit the magic 5:1 ratio with your child.

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re in the thick of a mom funk, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take in order to get back to being a happy mom. Use this cheat sheet to help you in those tough moments.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

How to Find Happiness in the Chaos of Parenting

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family.

Click here to get a free excerpt and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

What’s your best trick for how to be a happy mom? Share in a comment below!

The post How to Be a Happy Mom: Science Says Do These 7 Things appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.

Being home all day with my kids is a blessing. I know that, and I appreciate it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m home all day with my kids.

Today, I was nursing my newborn girl Charlie on the living room couch when I realized my toddler was awful quiet.

I heard a rustle in the dining room, so while still nursing, I awkwardly pushed off the couch to have a look.

And when I rounded the corner, I chuckled at myself.

Because Bailey was just sitting at the kids’ art table, scribbling away.

“Are you drawing, honey?” I asked.

She stopped and stared at me. “Yeah,” she said.

I turned to head back to the living room, shaking my head and feeling silly for worrying.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, get a free cheat sheet of 7 quick fixes that will help you be a happier parent, backed by science.

But Wait…

Why did she stop what she was doing?

I whipped back around and hurried to where Bailey was sitting. In her hand?

A blue Sharpie.

On the art table. The nice dining room chair. Her arms. Her belly. All over her hands. HER FACE.

She looked up at me, and she suddenly got very, very still. Which is saying something for her.

So yes, I’m lucky to be home with my kids. But that doesn’t mean my first reaction was to skip off, tra-la-la-ing to retrieve the rubbing alcohol. (Which, in case you find yourself in a similar situation one day, worked on the toddler’s skin but not the wood table or chair.)

After I scrubbed her arms and hands and belly and face until she resembled a sunburned Strawberry Shortcake, I went to rescue baby Charlie from the bouncy seat on the bathroom counter.

And I guess she must’ve been feeling left out of all the fun we were having.

When I lifted her out of her seat, a glob of mustard yellow dropped to the counter. I held her away from my body and peered around to her back. An impressive out-the-back-and-both-leg-holes variety of blowout.

So yes, I feel immense gratitude for my life. But that doesn’t mean I laid the baby gently on the changing table, then fist-pumped the air in anticipation of the awesome task ahead.

After I changed the baby’s diaper and wiped her down and cleaned the bathroom counter and got her dressed again, it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen Bailey in a while.

I walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom and saw her standing on the arm of the rocking chair. All the better to reach into the top drawer of the dresser.

And I started walking faster because I realized what we keep in that top drawer of the dresser.

As I got closer, I saw the wrappers on the floor under the open dresser drawer.

“Oh, God,” I said.

Condoms.

She’d unwrapped every single one and let the wrappers fall. And in her hands?

The things themselves. All clumped together in her innocent little hands.

So yes, I’m happy for the gift of seeing my girls all day every day. But that doesn’t mean I cheerfully hummed a Mary Poppins tune as I pried the clump from her hands and held her up to the bathroom sink where I washed her hands for 27 minutes.

What You Might Not Expect

This all happened before 10 am.

I did not text my husband a play-by-play of the morning.

I did not call him to share a laundry list of grievances.

I did not take a photo of each epic mess and send it to him.

Why?

Because there’s nothing he could do to help.

It’s not like he can reach through the phone to scrub permanent marker, baby poo, and condom slime.

Venting does nothing to dissolve anger. All venting does is intensify my anger to the boiling point.

And he can’t leave work on a moment’s notice to come home and stay with the kids so I can lock myself in the upstairs bathroom with a bag of Dove chocolate^† and a box of wine. (Yes, we’re classy boxed wine folk.)

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Related: The Only Thing You Need to Survive the “Terrible Twos” – With Your Sanity Intact

Here’s What Complaining Does Accomplish

Complaining about every little (or big) hiccup gives me a skewed perspective of my day.

Complaining puts my focus squarely on the problem. Not the solution.

And complaining to my husband Ty makes him feel powerless.

His wife is about to throw Tickle Me Elmo off a cliff, and he can’t do a thing to help her.

Ty never actually told me all this. But I know.

I know because after Bailey was born and I still had a desk job, Ty stayed home with Bailey one afternoon a week.

On those afternoons, I peppered him with questions. Is she napping okay? Did she take the bottle I left? Is she being fussy? Is he getting any work done?

And of course, as is the case when you try to get work done while watching kids, the answers were usually: No, no, yes, no.

I wanted to help. But I was stuck at work.

And my husband at home with a fussy, non-sleeping baby was all I could think about, so I wasn’t even being super productive at work.

Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 Quick Solutions You Can Try Now

I Made a Pact With Myself

When I left my corporate job to become a full-time blogger – as “full-time” as you can be while wrangling a toddler and a newborn – I vowed not to complain to my husband about all the little bumps in the road. I needed to stop complaining in order to be a happy mom.

It took me a while to tell him about my pact, and when I did, he wasn’t actually a fan of it.

He wants me to tell him about those everyday frustrations. He wants to know if I’m on the brink of moving to Canada to start a new life as a Mountie.

So I promised if I’m really at my breaking point, I will tell him. And he will get away from work if he can and come give me a break.

For everything else, I don’t text. I don’t call.

If I happen to feel a burning desire to share a frustrating story before I see him in person, I try to focus on a solution, not the problem. Or I wait until I can laugh about it.

Complaining in the moment doesn’t do anyone any good. And it definitely doesn’t make me a happy mother.

Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}

Happy Moms Don’t Do This Either

The moment my husband walks through the door after work, I can barely contain myself.

I’m ready to unload all the crappy parts of my day.

But again, I hold back.

When I haven’t seen my husband all day, the last thing I want to do is get all worked up into a froth of anger as my first interaction with him.

And the same goes for him. We both avoid unloading our frustrations first thing when we see each other. Complaining right off the bat infiltrates the tone of our whole evening together.

Instead, we greet each other with a hug. And not just any kind of hug.

We share the funny parts of our days, we play a quick game of chase with the kids, or we have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen.

Only then do we take a deep breath and share those daily annoyances.

And here’s the best part: After a hug and a few giggles, those frustrations transform into just another opportunity to share a laugh. Happy mom, happy family.

Related: 7 Quick Ways to Connect With Your Partner

A Confession

On those days, it’s hard to stop from complaining, and I’m not perfect. As my husband reminds me almost daily: Ideals are a vision, not a reality. When I slip up, I forgive myself and get my mindset back on track.

This morning, I have to admit that I did text my husband.

Twice.

The first: Do you think it’s okay to use rubbing alcohol to clean the kids’ art table? I focused on the solution, not the problem. Score!

And the second: I think Bailey’s telling us she’s ready for another sibling. I’ll explain later.

Get Your Free Cheat Sheet

When you’re in the thick of a mom funk, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take in order to get back to being a happy mom. Use this cheat sheet to help you in those tough moments.

1. Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
2. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
3. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

How to Find Happiness in the Chaos of Parenting

After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.

The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.

That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family.

Click here to get a free excerpt and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.

Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.

True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.

Your Turn

How do you stay positive when the kids drive you crazy? Share in a comment below!

The post I Found the Secret to Being a Happy Mom appeared first on Happy You, Happy Family.